Wedding Day Blues

I almost broke up with my boyfriend last night.

We were at a wedding. Many of his friends were there and of the over 200 people that were at this wedding, I knew 3 and that includes my boyfriend. We were seated at a table of three couples that I didn't know. I had to sit next to his boss, who I have met before but do not feel comfortable around. His boss gave me the third degree and made me feel depressed and bad about myself and tried to convince me the entire time to break up with my boyfriend. It was super annoying.

Then, my boyfriend left me at the table to sit by myself for 95 % of the wedding so he can go outside to smoke or to hang out with his work friends. It would have been nice if he invited me to join him, but this was not the case. So I sat at a table for three hours by myself and I was bored. He wanted to know why I was mopey at one point and I told him exactly why and he of course puts the blame entirely on me. That's just not fair. So he would leave me for a half hour at a time to smoke then spend 5 minutes with me then leave me there alone again, where I know no one. There was a point when he was outside for his 25 minute smoke break where I contemplated leaving him there and walking back to our hotel room. But no, I stayed. We got back to the hotel room after the party and I just cried. Just hysterical crying. He went downstairs to smoke.

Before bed we argued. I really thought that I would not have a boyfriend after these arguments. He said some pretty mean and hurtful things and told me that things have been bothering him for a while but never mentioned any of it. He said that he didn't want to break up. Eventually things settled and we just talked normal and went to bed. I woke up in the morning and felt crappy for how I acted and still was certain that this relationship was going to end but he acted like nothing had happened, like he pretended that nothing was wrong. When I left this morning, everything was back to normal. We joked, we smiled, we hugged, we kissed. We made plans for the weekend.

You see, this is a recurring issue. Everywhere we go I am left to sit alone at a bar by myself where I am no comfortable to begin with. That's not fair to do to a girl who has social anxiety.

Now, it's like nothing happened, but I am still a little upset and insecure about the whole thing. I know that I am not totally innocent in this situation. I know that I reacted poorly in front of some of his friends. I just can't get over some of the things he said and now I am contemplating breaking up. I am just not sure if he is the right one for me. Sometimes he makes me happy, but other times he makes me feel upset. I don't know if the happy times are enough. I need things to change, I doubt that they will so what's the point.

Lately I feel like I have been pushing him away because I haven't been fully happy. Maybe I deserve better.