The End?

Last night, I went out with my boyfriend and a few friends. We were at the bar and having a good time for a little while until my boyfriend just left me at the bar alone to go talk to some girls across the room. He says that he was trying to find a lady for our single friend, but I can't be so sure. After a while of sitting alone with no one to talk to, which let me tell you is OH so much fun, I got bored and tired from a long day at work. My boyfriend noticed that I was losing steam but seemed mad about it. I told him that I wanted to go home but he was having such a good time that we wound up staying for another hour while I pretended to be happy and awake. After that hour, I really wanted to go home. I was exhausted. I have had insomnia for about three weeks so my energy level is low. I just wanted to lay down. I gave my boyfriend a few options because I know that he was having a good time and didn't want to take him away from him. I told him that I would drive home and then pick him up when he was ready or that he could drop me off and then go back. I really was fine with these options. If I wasn't I wouldn't have offered them. He decided that we would both just leave. When we get home, he is mad. He is angry that I took him away from his friends. But he wasn't just mad, he said some very hurtful things that I just can't get out of my head. He said that he was happy that I was in his life but happier when I wasn't around. He said I was selfish and needy because I wanted to spend so much time with him. Keep in mind that I don't live with him so I only see him on the weekends and the occasional weeknight, but apparently that is too much time for him to spend with me. It just really hurts.

This morning he acted like nothing was wrong. I wasn't feeling good and he tended to me and seemed concerned. I had to call out sick from work not just because I wasn't feeling good but also because I was still upset from last night but trying to hold it in around him. In hind sight, I wish I went to work to keep my mind off of it.

I know that we have both been frustrated about work and we could be taking it out on each other. I'd like to think that is all that it is but I may be fooling myself. I don't know. I just don't want to feel like this anymore but the thought of breaking up terrifies me. I do love him and I don't want it to end. At the same time, I just can't feel sad all the time and worried about whether he really wants to be with me.

I don't know if he even remembers what happened last night. This is the way it always happens with us. We get into a fight. He blames me and thinks he can do no wrong which makes me frustrated and angry. He says some hurtful things. Then the next day we don't talk about it, we just go on with our day and when we see each other again we are back in our happy world. Its like an abusive relationship with the honeymoon period.

I'm not being selfish but its not all my fault. I am not saying that I am not to blame for all of it. But it takes two people to be in a relationship and he is not perfect either, though he thinks he is.

I don't know what to do. I am confused, angry and hurt (again). Is this the end?

Outburst

I am sad, concerned, hurt, mad, frustrated and most definitely confused.

My boyfriend and I got into a fight last night over something very dumb. I admit that I totally lost my cool and got angry because I was frustrated and over tired. When I left his house this morning things seemed ok. We kissed goodbye and all he said was "you were very grouchy last night" with a smile and a chuckle. So I thought everything was ok. But he hasn't returned my calls or text messages. I instant messaged him and got no reply. So I am worried that he is either really mad or going to break up with me.

I cried on my drive home from work. I am thinking too much. He may just be busy and that is why he hasn't written. I didn't just cry because of the possible break up. I cried cause I just don't want to be angry and have these emotional outbursts or think that I am not good enough for him anymore. It's just not fair to me to be feeling like that all the time. I get help for my emotional issues and I work on them the best that I can. But damn it, I am good enough and if he can't see it then that is his problem.

OH UPDATE: He just wrote. He is mad. He said he is tired of it always being about me me me all the time. I think that he is trying to blame all the issues on me when it takes two to be in a relationship. I think it is a lot of him him him too. We always do what he wants to do, which usually consists of drinking at a bar (something I hate to do). But I do it to be with him. I can count on my right hand how many times he has come to my house. I always have to go to his. So for him to say that it is all about me, is just wrong. When I told him that I thought this, he said "then you'd be wrong" and "you're a fruit loop". I told him that I am trying to work on my issues but what about him working on his issues. Why is it always up to me to change me when he should be working on himself too.

I'm really at a loss as to what to do. I have been sad and confused all day. I can't go through another break up. I barely survived the last one. I just don't know what to do. I am consumed with too many thoughts and I don't like it.

Wedding Day Blues

I almost broke up with my boyfriend last night.

We were at a wedding. Many of his friends were there and of the over 200 people that were at this wedding, I knew 3 and that includes my boyfriend. We were seated at a table of three couples that I didn't know. I had to sit next to his boss, who I have met before but do not feel comfortable around. His boss gave me the third degree and made me feel depressed and bad about myself and tried to convince me the entire time to break up with my boyfriend. It was super annoying.

Then, my boyfriend left me at the table to sit by myself for 95 % of the wedding so he can go outside to smoke or to hang out with his work friends. It would have been nice if he invited me to join him, but this was not the case. So I sat at a table for three hours by myself and I was bored. He wanted to know why I was mopey at one point and I told him exactly why and he of course puts the blame entirely on me. That's just not fair. So he would leave me for a half hour at a time to smoke then spend 5 minutes with me then leave me there alone again, where I know no one. There was a point when he was outside for his 25 minute smoke break where I contemplated leaving him there and walking back to our hotel room. But no, I stayed. We got back to the hotel room after the party and I just cried. Just hysterical crying. He went downstairs to smoke.

Before bed we argued. I really thought that I would not have a boyfriend after these arguments. He said some pretty mean and hurtful things and told me that things have been bothering him for a while but never mentioned any of it. He said that he didn't want to break up. Eventually things settled and we just talked normal and went to bed. I woke up in the morning and felt crappy for how I acted and still was certain that this relationship was going to end but he acted like nothing had happened, like he pretended that nothing was wrong. When I left this morning, everything was back to normal. We joked, we smiled, we hugged, we kissed. We made plans for the weekend.

You see, this is a recurring issue. Everywhere we go I am left to sit alone at a bar by myself where I am no comfortable to begin with. That's not fair to do to a girl who has social anxiety.

Now, it's like nothing happened, but I am still a little upset and insecure about the whole thing. I know that I am not totally innocent in this situation. I know that I reacted poorly in front of some of his friends. I just can't get over some of the things he said and now I am contemplating breaking up. I am just not sure if he is the right one for me. Sometimes he makes me happy, but other times he makes me feel upset. I don't know if the happy times are enough. I need things to change, I doubt that they will so what's the point.

Lately I feel like I have been pushing him away because I haven't been fully happy. Maybe I deserve better.

Foolish Behavior

I have had time to think about last night/this morning's situation and now I am just really really worried.

I really am afraid that he is going to break up with me.

I acted poorly and foolishly. I said things I didn't mean and I wasn't there when he needed support. I wouldn't be surprised if his parents are mad and banish me from their house. And if that happens this relationship is over. I really regret acting the way I did and I just want to take it all back.

I really wish I could take it all back

I haven't heard from him since I left this morning. I am worried that he is mad at me. We are supposed to go out for a friend's birthday but I wouldn't be surprised if he cancelled.

I am scared that I will lose him over my stupidity while being drunk. I plan on never drinking again.

I really wish he would call, or text, or IM just so that I know he is ok.

Why am I so dumb? I'm really really worried.

More Confusion

Yup, I'm at home. Which means I am not out with my boyfriend. He didn't want to go out tonight and I think that he was afraid to tell me that, but he said that he just wants to zone out and not think about anything. So I left him alone. Honestly, it was probably for the best. I am so tired after only getting 3 hours of sleep last night. I'm not fully feeling well and am in a terribly bad mood.

I am still very confused by last night. Today we texted during work like we always do and it was like nothing happened at all. Then he cancels for tonight, but makes plans for tomorrow (we'll see if he cancels those too).

I don't get it. I just don't. And I don't know how to act around him anymore. I really feel like I may have screwed this up even though I can't find anything that I have done wrong. Its REALLY bothering me. And now I am afraid to do anything....its like walking on eggshells around him. I can't be myself, cause apparently my normal traits annoy him. Maybe it is destined to fail.

But the thing is, til last night, things were going great. Wonderfully great. I was happy. He was happy. We were happy. We would go on date nights and have a good time or we could stay in and still have a good laugh.

I just can't figure out where I took a wrong turn. Maybe it will all blow over and things will be fine....I can only hope!

Confusion

Maybe this relationship is not going to work out.

Maybe I am just meant to be alone and single for the rest of my life.

I could be over reacting here but I swear that my boyfriend tried to break up with me over a text message last night. That's just as bad as breaking up with someone on a post it note (as happened to Carrie in Sex and the City).

A text message seriously. Come on. Grow some balls at least if you are going to do it.

The whole thing leaves me confused. Earlier in the evening we were chatting on instant messenger and everything was happy and fine. We talked about things but it didn't end badly. He even said that he thought of our relationship as a marriage and that no matter what happens we will talk it out. It ended with us making plans for tonight. So I went to bed happy.

Then at 1:30 in the morning the phone beeps and it is a text from him talking about how he didn't have a good day and has been thinking a lot. It was weird. Three hours later he says and I quote "And I won't lie and I feel like shit saying it out loud knowing how much more that will fuel your worry, but it has crossed my mind that it would just be easier to break up. As much as I love the idea of you in my life...." It goes on but I thought for sure he was breaking up with me. Who wouldn't after reading that it would be easier to do so...and lets face it, guys usually take the easy road out.

So I was upset. Very upset. I don't want to lose him. And it scared me

He later on said that he doesn't want to lose me either but that it might be inevitable that we break up anyway. How do I deal with this? I don't want to lose him, but at the same time I can't be walking on eggshells constantly worried that he might break up with me.

At the end of the conversation, he said that he may not want to go out with my tonight. I have given him his space all week, haven't seen him since Sunday. And no matter how much space I give him, it doesn't seem to be enough cause now he wants to be alone tonight too. Maybe he just doesn't want me in his life as much as I want him.

I don't know, but I am left very confused. And not sure if I can handle it. I know that I cannot handle another break up....I barely handled the last one.

Too Much Thinking

Sometimes in moments of poor judgment or perhaps of pure sadness, I find myself wishing things were different and that I didn't break up with him. That last about a 20 seconds and then I remember all the crappy things he did while we were together and I become thankful that I got out.

It's like he didn't care for me. Like how he had me move in with him, even though it was 4 hours from my home and I did it. I sacrificed and I made the move. I thought it would make me happy too. But as I sat alone in the apartment crying that first night, I realized that maybe it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. He said that when I arrived he would leave work early so we could have our first meal together. I should have realized what the relationship was going to be like when he didn't leave work until 9 when he could have left at 5. I cried that whole night. I should have came home the next day.

Instead, I stayed for two more years. And it never got better. He was never home. He worked a lot and even when he could come home early, he didn't. Who knows what he was doing. I was left isolated in a place I wasn't familiar with and had no friends there. On the weekends, I wanted to spend it with him. I would plan dates and activities to do. And he would never want to go. He would rather have slept or sat on the couch. I was disappointed...and bored.

I remember when he said that he would go with me to get my dog's pictures taken with Santa. I waited all day and was so excited. It was Randy's first Christmas since I adopted him and I really wanted to go as a family to get the picture done. When he got home, he had totally forgotten that we were supposed to go. When I reminded him, he said he was too tired to go. I ran upstairs and cried for 2 hours. Then after I decided to take Randy myself. He came only cause he felt bad, but complained about it. I think he came cause I took control of the situation and was going to go by myself. He wanted me to stay home, I refused so he came but I don't know exactly why.

I sat in that apartment, day after day, hour after hour. Alone. Just me and the dog. He would accept new hours that would cause him to work until midnight. He kept saying that he would look for another job, but he never did. We never spent time together. I tried, but I don't think he wanted too. It doesn't surprise me that our relationship didn't last.

But even though I knew it was coming, it was still a shock to me when he told me one night that he decided to move back in with his parents. He kept saying it was because I wanted to come back to Jersey, but that's not the case. If I knew it could have worked out there I would have tried to make it work. But he was already gone. He decided without even discussing it with me, that he was going to move back home to his parents, even though he hadn't lived with them since high school. Sign of a desperate man, I suppose. I knew it was coming, but I still cried for days. I was in a really low place. How could he do that to me? He didn't care.

I tried hard to make a good home for him. I cleaned the house and made dinner for him. I don't know if he ever appreciated it. I don't know if he ever cared. Maybe it wasn't good enough for him.

Bottom line is that he didn't love me the way that I deserve to be loved. And I tried to love him but he didn't want that. Then by the time he wanted it, I already fell out of love with him and grew more and more frustrated with him.

I say that I am over him, but the truth is I don't know if I could trust another man. I guess I have tried to learn from my mistakes. I am definitely more cautious, but am I too cautious? And maybe I don't deserve the love that I think I deserve. No, that's not true. I deserve love. Everyone does. But will I ever find it? What if the next guy doesn't think its good enough either? I'm scared. I try to remain hopeful but deep down I am frightened. What if it's me? What if I am not capable of being the girlfriend? Great at friendship, bad at relationships.

Don't get the wrong idea and think that I want him back. I don't. I just don't understand some things. And some things you never get over. Most things you learn from and move on. I'm confused. I did everything I could in that relationship to make it work, but it still didn't last. So, if I gave it my all last time, who's to say that the next time, no matter how hard I try, that it will fail again. I know there is no formula for success or for love but how long do I have to wait?

Everyone tells me that once you find the one that you are meant to be with that it all falls into place. It will work out no matter what because that is what true love is.

I want that feeling...true love. I want to know what that feels like. I bet it's amazing.

(Damn, the holidays. Making me think again)

Accomplishment

One of my friends just emailed me for advice. He was saying that he feels unaccomplished around other friends when he has to tell them that his long term relationship has ended. He feels like he has wasted seven years of his life.

Why is it that one can only have a good life if they are in a relationship or are married? Like a single person doesn't have other things in life to be proud of. Just cause we aren't in a relationship doesn't mean we haven't accomplished other things.

I know that breaking up can totally suck...been there done that. But sometimes breaking up and surviving it is the biggest accomplishment one can make. If you can survive heartbreak and move on and make it, then you can survive anything. Surviving a break up teaches you. You learn who you are (and who you're not), what to do and not do in the next relationship, who you are looking for as a partner and how to deal with life when it throws you a curve ball. If you ask me, those who have been through heartbreak have accomplished more than those who have never experienced it.

And to my friend who emailed me, if you are reading this and I hope you are, I AM PROUD OF YOU!