Outburst

I am sad, concerned, hurt, mad, frustrated and most definitely confused.

My boyfriend and I got into a fight last night over something very dumb. I admit that I totally lost my cool and got angry because I was frustrated and over tired. When I left his house this morning things seemed ok. We kissed goodbye and all he said was "you were very grouchy last night" with a smile and a chuckle. So I thought everything was ok. But he hasn't returned my calls or text messages. I instant messaged him and got no reply. So I am worried that he is either really mad or going to break up with me.

I cried on my drive home from work. I am thinking too much. He may just be busy and that is why he hasn't written. I didn't just cry because of the possible break up. I cried cause I just don't want to be angry and have these emotional outbursts or think that I am not good enough for him anymore. It's just not fair to me to be feeling like that all the time. I get help for my emotional issues and I work on them the best that I can. But damn it, I am good enough and if he can't see it then that is his problem.

OH UPDATE: He just wrote. He is mad. He said he is tired of it always being about me me me all the time. I think that he is trying to blame all the issues on me when it takes two to be in a relationship. I think it is a lot of him him him too. We always do what he wants to do, which usually consists of drinking at a bar (something I hate to do). But I do it to be with him. I can count on my right hand how many times he has come to my house. I always have to go to his. So for him to say that it is all about me, is just wrong. When I told him that I thought this, he said "then you'd be wrong" and "you're a fruit loop". I told him that I am trying to work on my issues but what about him working on his issues. Why is it always up to me to change me when he should be working on himself too.

I'm really at a loss as to what to do. I have been sad and confused all day. I can't go through another break up. I barely survived the last one. I just don't know what to do. I am consumed with too many thoughts and I don't like it.

Case of the Mondays

Lately, I have been a little down when it comes to work. I don't exactly love my job. I enjoy working with children but hate everything else about it...the hours, the stress, the people, the lack of challenge. I would love nothing more than to find another job and succeed at it. With the economy being as it is, this is not really the right time to go searching for a new career but I feel I have to or I will lose my sanity.

I have been off on medical leave for the last three weeks. I have loved it. I caught up on television and relaxed and slept and it has been oh so wonderful. Monday I have to return to work and I can already tell that my mood is more somber and blah, all due to the anticipation of returning to that dreadful place. My co-workers have been calling telling me how awful it has been there in the past three weeks and that is making it harder to look forward to going back to work.

On top of that, my benefits department due to some glitch or oversight has terminated my health insurance benefits. I didn't know this until I had several hospital and doctor's visits come back unpaid. Now I have thousands of dollars in bills.

So yeah, not happy with work right now on so many levels. And in a few days I have to return there.

Let me tell you why I hate this job so much. There are several reasons but I will give you a few that have been wearing on my mind lately.

I need more of a challenge. I am bored with just teaching preschool. When I have talked to my boss about this she told me that I don't have enough experience to apply for a promotion. I don't know when 12 years of teaching preschool and having leadership experience became not enough to go for more. I feel like she is holding me back and it makes me resent her.

I get paid very little and even before these recent medical problems I have had trouble paying the bills. I feel like being a preschool teacher is the most underpaid and under appreciated job around. And when I am there I do all the work and get no credit for it. The teacher I work with does nothing and gets the recognition. I have now developed a 'why bother' attitude.

I also feel the desire to do more. But after applying to public schools for many years and being rejected I am beginning to feel like this day care position of teaching preschool is all that I am able to do. I am good at my job and have won awards for my teaching but if I am not happy doing it then whats the point.

I don't know where to go from here. A part of me wants a total career change. I just don't know in what direction I want to go and with no experience in whatever field that is, its difficult to get a position in it. A part of me just wants to have a higher position in the same type of school. But being held back at my current school is not helping.

I really would like to get out of this depression over work so that I can be happier. I just want to be successful and happy and actually enjoy going to work.

Maybe it's too much to ask. Maybe everyone hates their job. Maybe I should just suck it up and deal with it. But I know that I am capable of more and if I have that desire then I should go for it, right?

This Christmas

Today I got out my box of Christmas items that I accumulated while I lived with my now ex-boyfriend. There are some things in there that are just regular Christmas ornaments. Then there are other things that have special meaning and I will never be able to use again cause they remind me of him.

It has left me feeling a little sad. Like something is missing. That's been happening a lot lately. My brother moving into his own place has left me jealous and reminiscing. And now with the holidays...I don't know if I am going to get out of this funk.

Last year was my first Christmas back home after the break up and I was a little sad but also thankful to be back home. This year I am a little sad but I think it is for a different reason. I am jealous and a bit upset, but I certainly don't miss the ex-boyfriend. I am just sad that I haven't found love again. I guess I thought it would happen by now. I have been single for a year and half now and I was hopeful that by the second Christmas home that I would have someone to share it with. And since I don't, I just was wondering if I ever will find that person. Will I find him by next Christmas? I don't want just anybody, this time I hope he is "the one". But Santa, could you please bring him soon? I'm losing hope.

Diagnose

I've been really down this past week. It probably has been brewing for a while but I'm definitely feeling it the past few days.

As you know, I haven't been feeling well for over a month. I put my trust in doctors and I have pretty good ones. But I have lost my faith in them a bit. After feeling like crap since August, they still don't know what is wrong. And now my symptoms are changing. It used to just be dizziness so they diagnosed me with vertigo. Now, I am so tired that I am sleeping over 11 hours a night and still not waking up feeling rested. What is going on with my body? I am frustrated, tired, and scared and no one is helping. The doctors don't know what is wrong or how to treat. My mom keeps pushing me to go back to work and I feel like I lost some of the new local friends I made before the sickness. I have been home with little social interaction for 6 weeks now. I just want to feel back to normal.

Feeling sick is enough to put someone into a funk. Being isolated and disconnected from the world can push someone into a depression.

And then there is jealousy.

My brother moved into a new apartment a few weeks ago and I am COMPLETELY jealous. I want nothing more than to move out of my Mom's house and into a place all my own. Oooooh...my own place...privacy...quiet...being able to walk around naked. It is a dream of mine. One that will never come true. But my brother is living my dream. His place is beautiful and it reminds me of the times I was out living life on my own. I am jealous. And the jealousy has made me a little depressed.

The holidays are coming up. It's the most wonderful time of the year. I want it to be a happy holiday. I know that it won't be for my family. It will be the first Christmas without my Dad. Is it wrong of me to want a happy holiday when my family will be sad about the loss of my Dad? I feel like it is wrong for even wanting to celebrate it. But I want to...I want to celebrate it and be happy and go shopping and decorate and enjoy the most wonderful time of the year without feeling guilty about it. I don't think that is going to happen this year and it makes me sad that I have to pretend to be sadder than I really am because my family is in a down period.

What do I need to do to get out of this funk? :(

Photographs

I have had two days to think after the wedding and four days to think after Thanksgiving and I'm not happy. I would say I am sad and depressed after having time to process the events.

Thanksgiving was held at my brother's place this year. Usually, my Mom would cook and we would all hang out together watching football and eating. My brother just moved into a new apartment a month ago to live with his girlfriend. I am happy for them but also insanely jealous. It also reminded me of the times when I lived with my boyfriend and made me sad that I have lost that.

My Mom has a tradition. She takes a picture of her children in front of the turkey before it is carved. It used to be of me, my sister and my brother. Then my sister moved out and it was just of me and my brother. Last year it was of me and my brother and my dog (who was staring at the turkey ready to devour it...very funny pic). This year, my Mom took a picture of my brother and his girlfriend in front of the turkey. I wasn't asked to be in the picture at all.

My Mom is obsessed with taking pictures. When we went to the wedding, she took a lot of pictures. My brother was in the wedding party, so of course, she took lots of pictures of him in his tux and at the ceremony. She took lots of pictures of him dancing with his girlfriend at the wedding and lots of pictures of him sitting at the table talking with his girlfriend. She didn't take one picture of me.

I know that at my age I shouldn't be jealous of my brother getting more attention from my Mom. But I can't help but wonder if my Mom thinks I am a failure. The whole time at the wedding she kept talking to me about how I didn't have a boyfriend. And when others at our table asked about my date, she said, "Oh, he couldn't make it. He had to work." Is she embarrassed by me? Why did she have to cover up the fact that I came to the wedding alone?

I have always felt like I kinda failed at life. I think that since I was a child I was told that I will grow up, get married and have a family. Now that I don't have that, did I fail? I certainly am made to feel like I did. How does one measure success in their life when they don't have much in life to feel successful about? Am I a failure at life?

Depressed

I can't hide my depression anymore. I was good about faking happiness for a while but now its getting pretty difficult to act.

I don't know what to do. I am seeking help. I have made an appointment with a psychologist.

There is so much that depresses me and gets me down. I hate myself. I don't trust the decisions I make because most of the decisions I have made were the wrong ones.

I moved back to New Jersey to be happy. I'm not happy. I lived in Maryland...I wasn't happy. I had a great boyfriend...I wasn't happy. I'm never happy. This leads me to believe that I will not be happy no matter what, so why bother trying.

I miss my ex-boyfriend. I miss him terribly and often times I feel like if I had him in my life even as only a friend that my life would be happier. It's hard. Everything I do, or see, or read reminds me of him. Constant reminders of him. How can I get over him when I can't get him out of my mind?

I wish I had friends here. I left my friends in West Virginia and Maryland. My friends from New Jersey have all moved away since college and the only thing I have here is family but what if thats not enough.

I am lonely. I sit at home with my parents almost every night. I have no one to go out with. And tonight my brother said "how can you meet another boyfriend when you never go out". Am I supposed to go out alone with out friends? The sad part is that most times I don't want another boyfriend. I am not over my last boyfriend and I am not sure if I am the girlfriend or marriage type. I would like to move out of my house and I feel like I would do much more if I wasn't living with my parents getting constantly judged for what I do (or don't do)

It's too much for me to handle. With all this, who wouldn't be depressed?

Every Little Thing

I have been particularly upset lately.

My birthday is coming up. For most people, this would cause happiness and excitement. For me however, it just reminds me of what I don't have and of memories of what I used to have. I keep thinking these thoughts that usually start out like "Last year at this time..." or "On my birthday last year..." and they all involve my ex-boyfriend or living on my own or seeing old friends that I no longer live near. It's upsetting.

Everyone keeps asking me what I have planned for my birthday. Honestly, I don't have anything planned because I don't have ANY friends around here. One would think I would since I grew up here but I don't. So not only do I have the miss of my ex-boyfriend on my mind but I have the increased loneliness due to a lack of friends. Is something wrong with me to have caused my friendless and dateless life? It's pathetic.

All this sadness and loneliness has put me in a mood that has caused me some problems with work. I have been getting stressed more easily and today I snapped at a co-worker which led to a meeting with my boss. Every little thing is annoying me and I am more sensitive to comments that otherwise wouldn't bother me at all.

I wish I knew what to do to prevent these feelings and the fallout caused by the feelings. I with I could have prevented all of this...hindsight is 20/20.

I hope to have a great birthday, a great day and a great year. I just wish I had someone to share it with.

A Friend's Love

The past few days I have been a little depressed. Not hysterically sad or crying, just a little down, a little blue. I haven't been acting like my happy self.

I went to work and thought that it would be the worst days ever. Slow moving, sad, crying at any moment days. But that wasn't the case. I had the greatest days I have ever had a work. I am surrounded by supportive, caring people who show me love everyday.

And then I realized. That is all that is important. Not necessarily love from a boyfriend or beau, but love from a friend. A friend's love is unconditional. A friend's love is forever. A friend's love is all I need.

Happy and Sad

So, I must be the only one in the ENTIRE world who does not have a significant event going on in my life.

My friend is pregnant with her first child. She and her husband have been trying for two years and finally a little one is about to arrive.

My best friend just had a baby a few months ago. She found out last week that if she and her family move back to their home state of Michigan that her uncle will sell them a house for well below market value. A huge four bedroom, two and a half bath house in a nice subdivision all theirs for practically free.

My sister is engaged to a great guy that she met at work. She is planning her wedding and is getting married in the summer of next year.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy for all of them. They are all getting what they have been waiting for and all deserve happiness. But my happiness for them can only go so far. I am insanely jealous of them. Great things are all being handed to them, while I am getting crapped on every step of the way in my life. When will it be my turn to be happy? Will it ever happen for me?

I am surrounded by happiness and after a while that just makes you even more depressed. Looking at everyone so happy in their lives makes me sadder about mine. I could have had all that they are getting, except I ended the relationship that could have given me all of that and more. I wish I knew that at the time. Its too late to get it back now. I just wish I didn't have the constant reminders of how my life failed through my friends successes. I am happy for them, but I am sad for myself.