Using Sarcasm as a Shield

Whenever my friends come to town, it's exciting. I can't wait to see them and hang out like we did back in high school, which usually brings us to a diner, a bowling alley and talking in the parking lot for hours. This Christmas was no different. My usual high school friends and I found ourselves splitting appetizers at the diner, bowling a few games at the local alley and hanging out in the parking lot because we don't want the night to end.

It makes me happy to see them and brings back old memories. But it also saddens me. It reminds me that I don't have everything that I want and a lot of times I find myself being jealous of my married friends and realizing that they are WAY more successful than I am in so many different ways.

I already feel like that on the inside, so I really don't need a friend saying those sentiments out loud. I got the impression that they think that I am stupid, making comments about how I get lost in my own town and that I couldn't do the math of what change I should get back after buying a drink. At the end of the night, my one friend was talking about how her sister is such a loser cause she still lives with her parents and hasn't made anything of her life. She described my life. I still live with my Mom (even though I really don't want to be) and I am in the same industry as her sister works in. I was hurt. I joked back with sarcastic comments but inside I wanted to cry. Is this what they think of me?

As much as I love spending time with them, it also reminds me of a life that could have been mine. It could have been me that was married with two kids. And I try not to think about the decisions I made or regrets that I have but it is hard when you are spending a few hours with a constant reminder of what could have been.

It's hard. I don't have many friends that live local, so I cherish the times with the friends of my past. But as I get older and more time goes by, it's getting harder and harder to hang out because of how I feel afterwards.

I don't know if I can do this for years to come, as much as I want to. It's just getting hard.

This Christmas

Today I got out my box of Christmas items that I accumulated while I lived with my now ex-boyfriend. There are some things in there that are just regular Christmas ornaments. Then there are other things that have special meaning and I will never be able to use again cause they remind me of him.

It has left me feeling a little sad. Like something is missing. That's been happening a lot lately. My brother moving into his own place has left me jealous and reminiscing. And now with the holidays...I don't know if I am going to get out of this funk.

Last year was my first Christmas back home after the break up and I was a little sad but also thankful to be back home. This year I am a little sad but I think it is for a different reason. I am jealous and a bit upset, but I certainly don't miss the ex-boyfriend. I am just sad that I haven't found love again. I guess I thought it would happen by now. I have been single for a year and half now and I was hopeful that by the second Christmas home that I would have someone to share it with. And since I don't, I just was wondering if I ever will find that person. Will I find him by next Christmas? I don't want just anybody, this time I hope he is "the one". But Santa, could you please bring him soon? I'm losing hope.

Diagnose

I've been really down this past week. It probably has been brewing for a while but I'm definitely feeling it the past few days.

As you know, I haven't been feeling well for over a month. I put my trust in doctors and I have pretty good ones. But I have lost my faith in them a bit. After feeling like crap since August, they still don't know what is wrong. And now my symptoms are changing. It used to just be dizziness so they diagnosed me with vertigo. Now, I am so tired that I am sleeping over 11 hours a night and still not waking up feeling rested. What is going on with my body? I am frustrated, tired, and scared and no one is helping. The doctors don't know what is wrong or how to treat. My mom keeps pushing me to go back to work and I feel like I lost some of the new local friends I made before the sickness. I have been home with little social interaction for 6 weeks now. I just want to feel back to normal.

Feeling sick is enough to put someone into a funk. Being isolated and disconnected from the world can push someone into a depression.

And then there is jealousy.

My brother moved into a new apartment a few weeks ago and I am COMPLETELY jealous. I want nothing more than to move out of my Mom's house and into a place all my own. Oooooh...my own place...privacy...quiet...being able to walk around naked. It is a dream of mine. One that will never come true. But my brother is living my dream. His place is beautiful and it reminds me of the times I was out living life on my own. I am jealous. And the jealousy has made me a little depressed.

The holidays are coming up. It's the most wonderful time of the year. I want it to be a happy holiday. I know that it won't be for my family. It will be the first Christmas without my Dad. Is it wrong of me to want a happy holiday when my family will be sad about the loss of my Dad? I feel like it is wrong for even wanting to celebrate it. But I want to...I want to celebrate it and be happy and go shopping and decorate and enjoy the most wonderful time of the year without feeling guilty about it. I don't think that is going to happen this year and it makes me sad that I have to pretend to be sadder than I really am because my family is in a down period.

What do I need to do to get out of this funk? :(

Engagement Envy

So, two of my friends this week got engaged (or are about to) and are buzzing with excitement as they should be. I am happy for them. They are both about to marry wonderful guys who treat them well and will live happily ever after.

Blah, blah, blah.

Yes I am happy for them. Really I am. But I started to notice just a little, itty bitty bit of jealousy starting to creep in.

See, my one friend, A, never had a boyfriend that lasted more than two weeks until this guy came along. And I am happy for her. But in college, she would find a guy and date him and break up with him for meaningless reasons like he didn't like to eat pancakes or he ate crackers in her bed. So needless to say we never thought that A would find a man that was worthy of her. She has high standards and this is not at all a bad thing. In fact, sometimes I wish I was as picky as she is, then maybe I wouldn't have moved to Maryland for a guy so quickly and therefore lost two years of my life. Anyway, in college, I was the opposite. I didn't have many boyfriends, but I could keep a man for a long term relationship. That is all I really have had is the long term relationship...its the short term dating that I have a problem with. I was willing to give a guy a chance and would accept his flaws and uniqueness, which is something A could not do.

Well, she found a man that she accepts. Fully accepts. Accepts his flaws and loves his unique qualities. This is HUGE growth for A and I am proud of her.

But I can't help but be jealous. No one thought that A would be the one to get married first. It's wonderful. It's great. It's exciting. I'm jealous.

Now that A is getting married, I will be the ONLY single girl out of all my friends. I will no longer have A to talk to for single girl advice and gripes. I will no longer be able to hang out with A for single girl fun. She will be just like the rest of them, living in suburbia with hubby, a house with a white-picket fence and a family to start. And leaving me alone. Now no matter who I hang out with of all of my friends, I will be the third wheel. I will be the only one unmarried and without children. I'm sad, depressed, jealous. I know I shouldn't be, but I can't help but be thinking about what could have been in my life.

I know that I am not the only single person in the world. But singles in MY world are becoming few and far between and I am having trouble accepting my role as the ONLY single girl in my group. With time, I will get used to it, I'm sure or I could be hopeful that one day it will be my day to announce my engagement, I just don't want to get my hopes up.

Happy and Sad

So, I must be the only one in the ENTIRE world who does not have a significant event going on in my life.

My friend is pregnant with her first child. She and her husband have been trying for two years and finally a little one is about to arrive.

My best friend just had a baby a few months ago. She found out last week that if she and her family move back to their home state of Michigan that her uncle will sell them a house for well below market value. A huge four bedroom, two and a half bath house in a nice subdivision all theirs for practically free.

My sister is engaged to a great guy that she met at work. She is planning her wedding and is getting married in the summer of next year.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy for all of them. They are all getting what they have been waiting for and all deserve happiness. But my happiness for them can only go so far. I am insanely jealous of them. Great things are all being handed to them, while I am getting crapped on every step of the way in my life. When will it be my turn to be happy? Will it ever happen for me?

I am surrounded by happiness and after a while that just makes you even more depressed. Looking at everyone so happy in their lives makes me sadder about mine. I could have had all that they are getting, except I ended the relationship that could have given me all of that and more. I wish I knew that at the time. Its too late to get it back now. I just wish I didn't have the constant reminders of how my life failed through my friends successes. I am happy for them, but I am sad for myself.

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride

Well, here I am, sitting home alone on a Friday night. No date. No friends. Just me with my dog. On a Friday night. Every Friday night.

What has become of my life? I used to have friends that I would hang out with all weekend long. Now, all of those friends are married with children and don't have time to hang out with someone as pitiful and single as me. They do their couples thing...and have told me that they don't want me to feel left out so they don't invite me. When has being single mean that I am totally outcast from society like I am quarantined with some horrible disease?

All of my friends have been married for years. I have been to all their weddings, bridal showers and bachelorette parties and have been a good sport about it. Not once did I complain when I had to wear the ugly bridesmaids dresses. Nor did I complain when I had to plan the damn showers that I hate to attend. No, I was a good friend, who stood by the bride and supported her through the stress of planning a wedding. When they were starting their families, I was a sounding board for the names of their children and a babysitter so that they could still have couple time. Now, I need their friendship and because I am not married I get nothing. Since when does the support of a friend depend upon your marital status?

So, here is what I get for being the supportive friend....loneliness on a Friday night. Gee...thanks.