New York, New York

Our trip to New York that never was.

On Saturday, we were invited to a birthday party at a bar/restaurant in New York City called 230 Fifth. It was a rooftop bar and we were excited to go. We made reservations for a hotel room to stay over night and left early for the city so we could relax and eat dinner before the party began.

The trip was filled with traffic. Most of what we saw was brake lights. It was unusual to see so much traffic on a Saturday night and there we were stuck in it. We pulled over so I could use the bathroom and we got lost in Jersey City which set us back about a half hour. As we are approaching the Holland Tunnel, my boyfriend says "Uh Oh, I can't find my wallet!" We called home and no one could find it there, so we thought that it must be in our overnight bag in the trunk. We were stuck in traffic so we had to go through the tunnel before pulling over to see if it was there. It wasn't. We drove around the city for a little while but then returned home.

When we got home, we found the wallet in his pants pocket in his hamper. He had changed his pants right before we left for New York.

I was surprised at how well we handled the situation. At a time when we would be stressed and angry over it, we just laughed it off and relaxed at home. We were stressed. We were disappointed. We didn't let it get to us and we just enjoyed our ride around the city. I thought it would be a horrible night, but it turned out to be a wonderful one, very happy and loving.

Everything happens for a reason, it turns out that the group that did make it to the party did not have a great time. Our friend twisted her ankle and they wound up having to leave the party early to take her to an urgent care center.

Our night was beautiful and we laugh looking at it now. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Unsupportive Support System

From a guy who claims that I am selfish, my boyfriend sure is being selfish right now.



I am having surgery on my knee done on Friday for my torn ACL. I am naturally nervous for the procedure, especially since I have never had surgery before and have never been put under anesthesia. I also know that I am in good hands and that all will be well. I have done a lot of reading on the subject and feel pretty good about it.



I have planned all along to have my boyfriend drive me to the procedure. He agreed to this several weeks ago. Now it is two days until the surgery and he is acting like I never told him that. He says that he wants to be there for me but doesn't want to be sitting in a waiting room all day unless there is a real emergency. How he will know if there is a real emergency while sitting at home on a day he took off, I don't know.



I understand that it can be quite boring to sit in a waiting room. But if he were having surgery I would bring things to do knowing that I would be there in case there was an emergency. Not to mention that he stayed in the waiting room for hours last week when his dad had surgery. So the person I wanted to bring for support is not being so supportive. He is acting like I am interrupting his life for my surgery. He told me that I am getting panicked over this "minor event" when the nurse at the surgery center told me that this is major surgery.



So now I have to question...is he the one that I want to bring to surgery? And if he is this insensitive now then what about the future?

Total Bummer

Totally NOT a faker with my injury, as so many people I vacationed with had thought. I got an MRI and tore ligaments in my knee and may possibly need surgery!! EEK!

Been very bummed about the bummed knee. I haven't been able to work for the last 2 weeks and with the possibility of surgery, I may be out for months. I have been very stressed about the lack of money since this has happened. I am hoping that work will help me out so I can collect some sort of disability or unemployment payments. Still, this is an added stress that I don't want to be thinking about right now.

What I am REALLY worried about is the surgery. I have never in my whole life had surgery on anything. I know that this surgery isn't nearly as bad or invasive as many other surgeries but it still has me freaked out. What also has me depressed is that recovery time after surgery. Apparently, a year of physical therapy is needed to get the knee close to normal condition again. So a whole year of my life is gone thanks to the ocean slamming my knee.

I forgive the ocean though. In fact, I want to go back. I want nothing more that to be sitting on the beach in this beautiful weather watching the waves crash in and relaxing (as long as my knee is not in those crashing waves, that is).

I also learned that my boyfriend cares about me. I knew that before but this is just more proof. After this happened, I thought he really didn't care. I thought that I annoyed him by getting an injury on vacation. And I think that is still partly true. But now that it has been shown to be a pretty bad injury, he has been taking care of me. He has been babying my knee, carrying things for me, making sure my crutches are always near, holding doors open for me and taking me to doctors. Its been really nice to have that kind of support and I love him for that.

My Happy Tank

Fourth of July, 2010

My boyfriend and I were driving around after the fireworks, just hanging out and having fun. He asked "Do you want to go to New York City?" I thought he was joking but I answered an exciting "Yes." And off to NYC we went. About 20 minutes later we were in the Holland Tunnel and on our way to the city.

We drove to Times Square. We booked a hotel room and we walked around the city into the wee hours of the night. We had a drink at a local bar. We took pictures of the lights and sights. We walked hand in hand down every street and I smiled the whole time!

Our hotel room had the most beautiful view of Times Square. We were 37 floors up and I could see everything! I would just stand at the window and stare for an hour. It was wonderful!

My boyfriend said he did it just to make me happy and see me smile. I smiled the whole time. I haven't been that happy in a long time. He said he filled my happy tank. He sure did!

No Win Situation

I can't win! No matter what I do, it just doesn't work out or it gets me in trouble.

On Friday, my boyfriend wanted to go to a bar to see a DJ friend of his play. I didn't want to go. I REALLY didn't want to go. I suggested that he go with his friends and I relax at home. Then he said that he won't go if I don't go and I felt bad that he would miss his friend's event. So I went.

When we get there, it is very empty so it gave me some time to settle in. But as the night went on, the DJ started and I hated the music that he played. My boyfriend and his friends were all up dancing and I was left alone at the bar. As time went on, I felt more and more uncomfortable. I lasted two more hours before I snapped and couldn't take it anymore. I was bored and left alone and I just wanted to go home. My boyfriend kept asking me what he could do to make me feel better and I said that I just want to go home. And so we went.

Then we got into an argument about it. And I felt bad that I ruined his special event. Why did he make me go? I didn't want to ruin it. Now his one friends are saying all these things about what I talked about there and none of it I remember. I wasn't drunk. I wasn't out of it. I remember most of the night. I remember that I barely talked to this girl and it certainly it wasn't a negative conversation.

This argument we had still lingers. It almost lead to us breaking up. And sometimes I feel like maybe we should break up. I feel like no matter what I do, I can't win with him. I try to be myself and then he tells me that it isn't the girl he wants. I try to be truthful and he tells me that I shouldn't be so negative. I feel so much pressure to be someone I am not. I feel like I am walking on eggshells just to not be in trouble with him or to say the wrong things or to avoid the next fight. I can't do it anymore. It is so hard.

I don't know what to do. I'm at the end of my rope. There are times I just want to end it, to be free. And there are other times that just the thought of that makes me start to panic. I think I am stuck. No matter what I do, will I be happy? I can't even answer that question. Am I destined to be single again? I wanted to marry him. I can't start all over again. I can't.

What do I do?

Fight for your Right to Not Party

My boyfriend just needs to date a party girl. Plain and simple, just needs to date a party girl.

I am not a party girl.

Not being a party girl has been causing us a lot of tiffs lately. Usually, he wants to go out and I don't. Or I want to leave early and he doesn't. Or he gets drunk, which annoys me and sometimes his drinking causes him to start fights that don't make sense.

It is so tiring. I am so over it.

Right now, he says he is "mad" at me. I say "mad" cause he is not fully all out angry, but still had to make the comments about it. Last night was his birthday. I left the whole night up to him. After we finished dinner, I asked him if he wanted to go somewhere else. He asked me if I wanted to go to this local bar. I said "its up to you". He said he was on the fence about it. He continued driving and turned towards his house and went home. I assumed that meant that he didn't want to go to the bar. He doesn't say anything about it....until tonight.

He says that I should have been more gung-ho about it and that I "boo-hoo"ed the event before we even got to dinner. If he wanted to go, being the 33 year that he is, he should have said something since I told him he could do anything on his day. It frustrates me that this gets turned onto me. (Everything always does).

Now, he wants to go out tonight. I don't want to go out tonight. I am so not in the mood to go out. Its a work night and I am tired of going out during the week. I am so tired of going out.

It is all that we do. Go to a bar. I like to do things like movies, bowling, mini golfing, dinner. We rarely get to do the activities that I wanna do but we go to a bar 3 or 4 nights a week. It is getting boring and tiring.

My boyfriend should date a party girl, not a want to get married, want to have children kind of girl. Not a want to settle down and stop partying kind of girl. Maybe I am not meant for him.

Out With The Bad, In With The Good

Yesterday, I had both a bad and a good day. Work was horrible, so horrible that I will resign after the events of yesterday. So that was bad. But I was able to obtain a job at a former employer, so that was good.

So my boyfriend gave me just what I needed. A night out at a local place to play rock band with friends! He knew that I needed to relax after the rough day and just needed to get my mind off of things. He also knew that we should celebrate the new job offer and getting out of a bad situation.

And I needed the cuddles and hugs and smiles and smooches from my loving boyfriend. So that didn't hurt either! He makes me feel better by giving me what I need. It calms me, relaxes me, makes me smile. He can turn my day around.

Lie, Cheat and Defriend

So, a few days ago, my friend called and told me that she got caught cheating on her boyfriend. He found emails and online chats between them. She called me to tell me that she told her boyfriend that I was using her computer to talk to a guy and that I was cheating on my boyfriend. I was pissed that she would drag me into a situation like that while smearing my integrity. I told her that I wouldn't lie for her, not because I didn't care for her, but I really didn't feel comfortable lying to anyone about something like that. Cheating is not something I believe in and I refuse to go against who I am just to cover up someone else's mistakes.

It doesn't bother me that she cheated. Though it is something I wouldn't do, I still feel like that was her choice. What bothered me is that she involved me in a situation that I didn't ask to be in and on top of that threatened my integrity, my values and my beliefs by asking me to lie to her boyfriend just so that he wouldn't break up with her. She made a mistake, but I don't see why I have to lie to someone to cover it up.

It really bothers me. I feel like a true friend would never put me in that situation. She was one of the closest friends I had around here. I guess she wasn't as good of a friend as I thought she was. Its just sad. She now will not talk to me and even went as immaturely "defriended" me from facebook. So childish.

I love and respect myself, my boyfriend and my relationship. I would never give all that up by lying or cheating. And having someone ask me to lie about just that is wrong. I refused to do it and in fact felt really good about standing up for myself and what I believe in. Even though I lost a friend, I know I did the right thing.

Snow Day

It snowed and it snowed and it snowed here over the weekend. It snowed so much we got over two feet of snow.

I wasn't sure about being snowed in but it wound up being fantastic. I got snowed in at my boyfriend's house. I was worried about this because I wasn't sure how it would go. Being cooped up sometimes makes people go nutty or start nit-picking over the little things. But instead, it brought us closer together. I spent 5 days there with no breaks. And I enjoyed it. And he enjoyed it too. I think after these snow days he is much closer to moving in together. YAY!

I loved it. I love spending time with him and 5 snow days was perfect for us. We talked about the little things and the big things. We lounged. We watched movies. We worked as a team to shovel snow. We made the whoopie several times. We laughed. We played games together. We had a snow ball fight. We had fun!

He makes me happy! I am happy!

Once Happy

Our friends are getting a divorce. The husband cheated on his wife and they are separating.

I have so many thoughts about this. It makes me sad to see two friends go through this. I am worried about their well being and about how their children will handle it. I know that we will have to be there for them as they go through these hard times.

It is impossible to know what happened to lead up to these events. No one knows what goes on in any relationship behind closed doors. We tend to think that everything is fine. With the growing number of divorced couples, I find it hard to believe that everyone is doing peachy.

It also makes me think about myself and my relationship, which I know is really selfish while this is going on. I just don't want that for us. We need to commit to each other that no matter what the issue is that we talk it through and work it out. If you love each other enough, you can work through anything.

I guess our friends lost their love somewhere along the way. Its sad to see a once happy couple have to go down this path. I will support their family. If this is the decision that they feel is best for their family, than we will be there for them to offer support, comfort and friendship.

What is Love?

What is love?

Love is kissing me on the forehead whenever I feel sad. Love is taking care of each other when sick. Love is protecting me from ones that are unkind or rude. Love is holding each other as we fall asleep. Love is talking about not only the important stuff but the trivial stuff as well. Love is sharing a good laugh together. Love is being there when times get tough. Love is making me feel special and accepting me for who I am. Love is understanding. Love is not trying to change me even though that me may not be perfect. Love is patience that goes beyond what you think you had. Love is unconditional. Love is knowing that you will be in each other's hearts for the rest of your lives. Love is indescribable. Love is unexplainable.

There aren't enough words or thoughts to describe what love is. It is unspoken. It appears but never leaves.

That is what love is in my world (or at least what I can put into words). I love being in love!

It's 5 o' clock somewhere

I am very concerned about my boyfriend.

On Thursday night, he told me he wanted to go out with the boys. So he went with my blessing.

At 3 a.m. I am awoken by my phone ringing. My boyfriend never calls so when it was him I thought something was really wrong. I answered with a concerned "Hello." He was drunk. He told me that our friend drove him home because he was drunk and was upset that his car was still on the street. He wanted me to come pick him up to go get his car. I refused since I was warm in my bed and he was in no condition to drive. I told him I would pick him up the next day to get his car but not before.

But now I have more of the story. I talked to the designated driver about what happened. He told me that my boyfriend was so drunk that even the bartenders were worried. They were going to call a cab. Our friend told me that he has never seen him this bad.

My boyfriend drinks more often than anyone I know. That's not saying that he drinks a lot all the time, just the opposite. He drinks maybe one drink but drinks it everyday. Then on the weekends he will drink but not get drunk usually. But I have never met anyone who needs a drink before going to the movies or to bowling (two things I enjoy doing but never get to do because he prefers bars). I never met a family who at 5 p.m. start drinking a rum and coke. His mom drinks while watching television every night.

He has an excuse for it every time. "I'm Irish," "It's 5 o'clock somewhere," "Come on, its the weekend," "I had a bad day at work," "I just need a drink to calm down," "One drink isn't going to hurt". I've heard them all. I'm just tired of hearing it.

He says that he wants a future with me, but I have no desire to be married to or have children with someone who is a drunk. I am not spending my life with someone that will need a drink before seeing me walk down the aisle or need a few drinks before our children's soccer game.

What my boyfriend needs is help. He needs to go to therapy. I don't think he drinks enough to go to a rehab, but he definitely needs some sort of help. I am hoping that Thursday night kicked some sense into him, but I don't have high hopes for it.

Some would wonder why I stay with a drunk. Don't I deserve better? Perhaps. But I know him. I care for him. I want him to get better. If I didn't love him, I would just let him be a drunk without me. But since I do, I want to see him get help. With that being said, there is also only so much I can take. If he refuses to get help and this continues, I will have to say goodbye to him. That in itself, may be what it takes to get through to him, but I know that he also needs some support to get through it.

I wish I knew how to get him the help that he so desperately needs.

Rub Me, Baby

Why doesn't my boyfriend realize that sometimes instead of having sex I would prefer to have a really, long, relaxing back massage instead? Which if done really well would be orgasmic itself.

I'm not saying I never want to have sex again, I'm just saying that sometimes a good massage is better than a good fuck.

I give him back rubs and massages enough, its my turn.

The Ride

My boyfriend and I have been closer than ever since the fight that I thought was the end.

It leaves me a little confused but I am going with the flow. It makes me happy when he is happy and its been really nice that he is so loving. I guess he really does love and care for me.

It has me wondering what will happen when the next fight happens. Obviously, I'm not hoping that another fight will happen. But couples argue and I know that is normal. So, the next time he says something hurtful, I hopefully will stay calm and talk to him about it right then and there. That way a few days later he can't say that he didn't mean it that way or change his story. And hopefully that way we can discuss the issues and solve the problems immediately rather than waiting and getting upset for days.

For now, I am going to enjoy the ride!

The End?

Last night, I went out with my boyfriend and a few friends. We were at the bar and having a good time for a little while until my boyfriend just left me at the bar alone to go talk to some girls across the room. He says that he was trying to find a lady for our single friend, but I can't be so sure. After a while of sitting alone with no one to talk to, which let me tell you is OH so much fun, I got bored and tired from a long day at work. My boyfriend noticed that I was losing steam but seemed mad about it. I told him that I wanted to go home but he was having such a good time that we wound up staying for another hour while I pretended to be happy and awake. After that hour, I really wanted to go home. I was exhausted. I have had insomnia for about three weeks so my energy level is low. I just wanted to lay down. I gave my boyfriend a few options because I know that he was having a good time and didn't want to take him away from him. I told him that I would drive home and then pick him up when he was ready or that he could drop me off and then go back. I really was fine with these options. If I wasn't I wouldn't have offered them. He decided that we would both just leave. When we get home, he is mad. He is angry that I took him away from his friends. But he wasn't just mad, he said some very hurtful things that I just can't get out of my head. He said that he was happy that I was in his life but happier when I wasn't around. He said I was selfish and needy because I wanted to spend so much time with him. Keep in mind that I don't live with him so I only see him on the weekends and the occasional weeknight, but apparently that is too much time for him to spend with me. It just really hurts.

This morning he acted like nothing was wrong. I wasn't feeling good and he tended to me and seemed concerned. I had to call out sick from work not just because I wasn't feeling good but also because I was still upset from last night but trying to hold it in around him. In hind sight, I wish I went to work to keep my mind off of it.

I know that we have both been frustrated about work and we could be taking it out on each other. I'd like to think that is all that it is but I may be fooling myself. I don't know. I just don't want to feel like this anymore but the thought of breaking up terrifies me. I do love him and I don't want it to end. At the same time, I just can't feel sad all the time and worried about whether he really wants to be with me.

I don't know if he even remembers what happened last night. This is the way it always happens with us. We get into a fight. He blames me and thinks he can do no wrong which makes me frustrated and angry. He says some hurtful things. Then the next day we don't talk about it, we just go on with our day and when we see each other again we are back in our happy world. Its like an abusive relationship with the honeymoon period.

I'm not being selfish but its not all my fault. I am not saying that I am not to blame for all of it. But it takes two people to be in a relationship and he is not perfect either, though he thinks he is.

I don't know what to do. I am confused, angry and hurt (again). Is this the end?

Cute

To update my last blog, my boyfriend didn't talk to me much today either, turns out he was just busy and sad about work.

He said the following about our fight: "I think that you are a closet drama queen." "It's rather cute that you let it out which is why it doesn't bother me so much."

I'm not sure if this is a normal reaction to a fight. I am not sure what it means. I'm not sure why he ignored me, was cold to me and told me that he was mad. I'm not sure about any of it, but things seem ok with us now. I am just going to be more cautious, be less caring about me (not like I was to begin with ) and try to control my outbursts.

Outburst

I am sad, concerned, hurt, mad, frustrated and most definitely confused.

My boyfriend and I got into a fight last night over something very dumb. I admit that I totally lost my cool and got angry because I was frustrated and over tired. When I left his house this morning things seemed ok. We kissed goodbye and all he said was "you were very grouchy last night" with a smile and a chuckle. So I thought everything was ok. But he hasn't returned my calls or text messages. I instant messaged him and got no reply. So I am worried that he is either really mad or going to break up with me.

I cried on my drive home from work. I am thinking too much. He may just be busy and that is why he hasn't written. I didn't just cry because of the possible break up. I cried cause I just don't want to be angry and have these emotional outbursts or think that I am not good enough for him anymore. It's just not fair to me to be feeling like that all the time. I get help for my emotional issues and I work on them the best that I can. But damn it, I am good enough and if he can't see it then that is his problem.

OH UPDATE: He just wrote. He is mad. He said he is tired of it always being about me me me all the time. I think that he is trying to blame all the issues on me when it takes two to be in a relationship. I think it is a lot of him him him too. We always do what he wants to do, which usually consists of drinking at a bar (something I hate to do). But I do it to be with him. I can count on my right hand how many times he has come to my house. I always have to go to his. So for him to say that it is all about me, is just wrong. When I told him that I thought this, he said "then you'd be wrong" and "you're a fruit loop". I told him that I am trying to work on my issues but what about him working on his issues. Why is it always up to me to change me when he should be working on himself too.

I'm really at a loss as to what to do. I have been sad and confused all day. I can't go through another break up. I barely survived the last one. I just don't know what to do. I am consumed with too many thoughts and I don't like it.

Happy Anniversary!

My boyfriend and I celebrated our first anniversary on New Year's. We re-created the night that we first met (well the best that we could) and it was wonderful.

Can you believe it, a whole year?

Happy Anniversary to us!! YAY!!

Addition

"Most people miss their whole lives, you know. Listen, life isn't when you
are standing on top of a mountain looking at the sunset. Life isn't
waiting at the altar or the moment your child is born or that time you were swimming in deep water and a dolphin came up alongside you. These are fragments. 10 or 12 grains of sand spread throughout your entire existence. These are not life. Life is brushing your teeth or making a sandwich or watching the news or waiting for the bus. Or walking.
Every day, thousands of tiny events happen and if you're not watching, if
you're not careful, if you don't capture them and make them count, you could miss it.

You could miss your entire life."

From the book Addition by Toni Jordan.

I just read this wonderful book, an excellent read. It reminded me a little of me and my boyfriend. I was perfect just the way I was when we met, just as he was perfect for me that cold New Year's Eve in 2009. You just have to accept each other and continue to love each other unconditionally. This book also reminded me to look at the little things, it will change your life.

Just Not Sure

I am really not sure about a lot of things lately. Life in general just has me down and confused.

Things with my boyfriend haven't been going so great lately. We have been having mini arguments and I have been sadder and sadder around him than usual. I know that we are opposites, but its getting to be too much when he doesn't want to compromise at all. Its all what he wants to do and nothing what I want to do. Just not fair. I'm just asking for compromise. Then, this weekend, we did something he wanted to do = go to a bar. I finally got up the courage to sing karaoke and he when I looked around while I was singing. It was my first time and I was so proud and he wasn't there. He was outside smoking or flirting with someone else, or God knows what cause i couldn't find him after. It upset me. I probably over reacted but I got really upset and it caused an argument that night that didn't really end for a while. The next morning I was so depressed that I had self-destructive thoughts and had to call my therapist to calm me down. I am just starting to wonder if this relationship is the one I have always dreamed of. We have LOTS of good time too. He makes me happy, makes me laugh, is very supportive and is always there for me when I need him. He balances me out and calms me down. Do the good things outweigh the bad?

I am also having second thoughts about my new job. I have been there for two months now. I have enjoyed the job until this week when my boss has been blaming me for things that others are doing and yelling at me for things that I wasn't trained about. It is not my fault that I was not trained properly. I guess they want me to be a mind reader, but I just can't take it. I also don't find it fair that they tell me one thing and I go and do that and then then next day they change their minds and blame me for doing the wrong thing. My second doubts escalated yesterday when my boss threatened to spank a child. Abuse is something I will not tolerate. It is sometimes such a negative working environment. Is this the type of place that I want to work at?