Unsupportive Support System

From a guy who claims that I am selfish, my boyfriend sure is being selfish right now.



I am having surgery on my knee done on Friday for my torn ACL. I am naturally nervous for the procedure, especially since I have never had surgery before and have never been put under anesthesia. I also know that I am in good hands and that all will be well. I have done a lot of reading on the subject and feel pretty good about it.



I have planned all along to have my boyfriend drive me to the procedure. He agreed to this several weeks ago. Now it is two days until the surgery and he is acting like I never told him that. He says that he wants to be there for me but doesn't want to be sitting in a waiting room all day unless there is a real emergency. How he will know if there is a real emergency while sitting at home on a day he took off, I don't know.



I understand that it can be quite boring to sit in a waiting room. But if he were having surgery I would bring things to do knowing that I would be there in case there was an emergency. Not to mention that he stayed in the waiting room for hours last week when his dad had surgery. So the person I wanted to bring for support is not being so supportive. He is acting like I am interrupting his life for my surgery. He told me that I am getting panicked over this "minor event" when the nurse at the surgery center told me that this is major surgery.



So now I have to question...is he the one that I want to bring to surgery? And if he is this insensitive now then what about the future?

Lost

It's been three days of doing nothing since the lay off.

I applied for unemployment...always fun.
I filled out a FAFSA for school....which is confusing.
I took my dog for a walk at his favorite park.
I made an appointment for my dog at the vet.
I painted.
I cleaned.
I fixed up my tree frog's cage.

But mostly I sat around my house looking for something to do, which usually ended up in me sitting on the couch watching t.v. or on the computer or reading a book. None of which I mind doing, but doing this for forty hours a week gets pretty boring.

I have one interview next week for a better position in a good school. I am not even looking forward to it. I had my heart set on going back to school. Filled out my financial aid forms the day I got the call for the interview. Now that this vacant position is better than my last one, I am starting to be confused about what I should do. I am not at all excited for this interview, but will probably wind up taking it if it is offered to me, and therefore prolonging going back to school. I know that I will not be fully happy working in this field anymore, but I feel pressured to take the job.

I spent my entire adult life trying to build myself into something that was marketable to the teaching profession. I have done just that. I went to a well known university that had an excellent child development and early education program. I did well in school, making the dean's lists and the president's lists. I enrolled in great internships and student teaching programs. I graduated with honors. I have had several teaching positions and have built on each one. I have won teaching awards and have excellent references. My resume is impressive. I am an excellent candidate for any position in the early childhood education field. The only thing is...I don't want it anymore. I spent all that time building myself into a model teacher and I have now lost my passion for it. But now that I have such an impressive background, is that all I am worth?

I'm so confused...SO very confused. I don't know what to do. I just want to be happy and I haven't been happy teaching in years. Yet everyone I talk to tells me I am crazy for not wanting to teach since I have built up such a knowledge of education and have a lot of experience. They say to start over is just going in the wrong direction. I don't know what to do. I just want a better future and happiness. I just don't know how to achieve that right now.

Tonight is Wednesday. Wednesday is my usual date night with my boyfriend. We didn't do anything. In fact, it wasn't even mentioned once today about it being date night. I have been sitting home for the last three days, bored and sad that I am now one of the many people in this country to be unemployed. I REALLY needed to get out and have fun and take my mind off of things. I needed a hug and cuddles from my boyfriend. Instead he is still at work. Yup, still at work at 11:30 at night.

So I was just IM'ing him and started telling him how I was sad, lost and confused. He asked "why". I told him my reasons and then he says "Sorry you are confused. I have to go outside and get fresh air. Good Night" That doesn't help me at all!!!! That made me feel even more upset. To have no support from the one person who should love and support you in life, is really difficult to deal with especially when I have other things that I am having trouble sorting through.

I'm just confused, sad, frustrated and lost. I hope for the answers soon.

"Even in the darkest moments, there is always room for love and hope"

The Lay Off

I got laid off yesterday. My boss pulled me into her office and told me that Friday would be my last day. I wasn't as sad as I should be. It didn't even fully worry me. I was actually more relieved than anything. Now I can go back to school full time while collecting unemployment and makes the decision to go back to school much easier.

I was very excited about this possibility...until I received a lack of support from my boyfriend. He is convinced that I should go back to school for my masters degree in education rather than criminal justice. And now he is saying that I should put off going back to school, because I need to find a job in this economy before someone else does. He said it's just not the right time and having a job is more important because of today's economic times

I want to go back to school and at this point I feel like nothing is stopping me. That is what I want to do. I even got laid off at work because of my desire to go back to school--I know sounds backwards, but they knew that if I went back to school that it would mean that I would have to cut my hours to do so. They figured that allowing me to collect unemployment was a gift. Nice of them, but honestly it kind of did make it all easier...well until I received criticism from my boyfriend.

His comments made me think about my decision a little bit more, but I still have a strong desire to go back to school. I am pretty sure that I am still going to go through with it. It is what I have been wanting to do for months now...and I just can't give up on myself now!

Dream Squasher

Today, I talked to my boss about wanting to go back to school. She was less than supportive. She told me that if it causes my hours to be less than 40 hours a week then she will have to let me go. When I asked her if I could transfer to a center closer to the college, she said she would see if we could work something out but she doubts it. Thanks a lot.

I understand that she has a school to run. I totally understand that. But there are other employees there that go to graduate school and not one of them is working over 32 hours a week. The schedule was made to accommodate their hours and commute time and it still didn't add up to a 40 hour work week. So, if it's okay for the others how come it's not okay for me. It doesn't seem fair.

Funny thing is, it didn't upset me or anger me. It's like it bounced off of me. I was not going to let her bring me down. I will not let her (or anyone) squash my dream. I will apply to graduate school and take what life gives me. If I need to find a new job, or go around my boss to transfer to another school, then that is what I will do. I will be just fine and one day I will graduate with a master's degree no matter who supports (or doesn't support) me.

Wanted: Passion

I really wish I had more support. Lately I have been feeling like I have had little or no support from the people who love me and should be supportive of me.

I have wanted to go back to school for something I have always wanted to study-Criminal Justice. I briefly mentioned this on Easter and my brother said I was "crazy" and have been "watching too much tv." Thanks. I talked about it at a wedding to a table filled with people from my boyfriend's work. Some of them were very supportive telling me not to give up on my dream. But most of them said "find a passion outside of work" or "try working at another school and see if that helps". No that doesn't help. I have worked at many, many schools and I always wind up feeling like this...depressed, unappreciated, no passion.

I talked to my boyfriend about it and sometimes he is all for me going back to school, he has been very encouraging and if it weren't for him, I would've never even had the courage to apply. There are other times that I feel he is annoyed or thinks I am giving up on my career too early. He hasn't been with me for as long as I have been a teacher. I have been doing this for over 10 years, and I didn't hate all of it for the whole time, but I certainly have not enjoyed it for that entire decade either. He has only seen the past 5 months and thinks that I just hate my current place of employment (which I do).

Something is definitely different now. I have been out sick more since starting my current job then I have been in my whole life. I will make up any excuse to get out of there or to be sick. I just hate it there that much. I started at this new school a little over a year ago to get into a better working environment. This company is known to be one of the top 100 places to work for in the nation. I just don't feel that way. Working there has caused me to lose my passion even more for this profession.

I have been wanting to talk to my boss about going back to school for over a month now. I just have been afraid that she won't be supportive about it and therefore I won't have a job anymore due to my lack of passion.

I just feel like I need a better support system. Its a big decision to go back to school. It is just difficult to have no support.

Giving Me What I Need

I guess I have had a lot of stress lately. I guess I have held it all in....cause yesterday afternoon I kinda lost it. I started crying and feeling like the most horrible person in the world.

At first my boyfriend didn't know what to do. He hugged me and held me and talked to me. Some of what he said helped and some made it worse, but I know that he was trying.

He took me outside for some fresh air which helped out a lot. He said that I need a relaxing day and that is what he gave me.

We sat in his living room for several hours. We talked about what was bothering me and thought up some solutions to those problems. Then we just sat and looked at the snow. We talked about anything and everything. We played games. Then we watched television with his parents. It actually was nice....and exactly what I needed.

He calmed me down and gave me encouragement. He helped me greatly and I am thankful for it.

Fuel to the Fire

I think that sometimes it is hard for me to understand that I am not the only one in my boyfriend's life. It is hard for me because most of my friends live long distance, so I rarely get the chance to see them or make plans with them. And if my friends need advice or to talk, it is via phone calls, instant messenger or emails.

Tonight my boyfriend and I had plans to go out (which I was very excited for). So, when he tells me that he would like to go visit his friend Sue instead, because she just broke off an engagement and needs someone to talk to, I was at first very upset and very disappointed. One would even say I was mad. I remember saying out of anger that I was tired of losing out to other people. I wish I didn't say that, but I was frustrated at the time and I guess it really was how I felt. I was being selfish. It is hard for me to understand that his friends can get that immediate help if they need to call on him. With me, if I am going through something I have to call or leave an email or pray they are on AOL at the time. In other words, I have to wait for a response and sometimes that waiting is hours or days. I rarely have the opportunity to give or receive immediate advice. And in a way, I am jealous that his friends get that. I am also happy that he cares enough that he wants to help his friends.

I drove around for a while just to clear my head and realized that I may have over reacted and added more stress to the situation for him. And I feel bad about that. I feel like I could have helped him more and instead I just made it worse.

See, there is a lot more to this situation that I didn't realize when it first happened but have since learned about. I think he left out the fact that he was fighting with his parents because he didn't want to worry me. He has said in the past that he tries to not tell me about the rough times. He lets his friends help him through that, so that he and I can have the happy times together. Still, sometimes I wish he would go to me for help. Lord knows I go to him for it.

I do worry about this fight with his parents. I know that his mom isn't too fond of me, so I would hope that whatever this fight is about, its not me. I also hope that his mom's dislike of me doesn't cause him to change his thoughts about our relationship. A mother-in-law doesn't have to like her daughter-in-law, right? Like this relationship could still be successful without the blessing of mommy dearest.....gosh I hope.

Our relationship is still relatively new and I know that I am not fully used to him or his friends/family yet. I know with time this will take care of itself. I just want to help him now and I don't know how to yet.

Like I said, I drove around for over an hour. I just got on the highway and went. I got caught up in my thoughts. The first half of my drive, I was still frustrated and shaky and worried and upset. But then I realized how silly I was being. My boyfriend needs support right now and I am worried about our plans for tonight!? Once I had this epiphany, I turned around and drove home with a new attitude.

I realized what my boyfriend needs right now is to have his girlfriend be there when he needs her to be and to not add fuel to the fire when he is already stressing over so many other things.

I want to be that good girlfriend. The girl of his dreams? I'm not sure I can live up to that, but I can sure try.

(Sorry if I rambled in this blog. I had so many thoughts all at once and couldn't get them all down quick enough. Hope it makes sense)

Support System

So, I have been sick lately. The doctor says I have an inflammation of my uterus. He said that this could just be an infection, but it could also be a sign of uterine or cervical cancer and could be quite serious. He took some tests and I am trying to be patient while awaiting the results. But as the days pass by, I am getting more and more worried. This worry has been weighing on my mind and by Sunday I broke down and told my boyfriend of a month and a half that I may have cancer. I may have endometriosis and I may need a hysterectomy. I may also have nothing but an infection, but I felt I should tell him. Not only cause the worry was killing me, but also because if this relationship continues into something more permanent then this news would directly affect him.

I wasn't sure what his reaction would be. I was really nervous to tell him and managed to give him this news without crying. He was totally supportive. He said he would be there for me no matter what happens. He also said that he would not blame me if in the end we could not have children. He said that when the test results come in, we will take it as it comes and figure it out together.

I felt good after the conversation, 1) because it felt good to tell someone and 2) he was supportive and gave me the hugs and words that I needed. I hope that he means what he says and will be there for me no matter what cause I will need that kind of support.

He says he has every faith that this relationship will work out. I just hope that I am in good health and can enjoy it.