Merry - Go - Round

Life on the home front has not been so great for me lately. Put aside the fact that still living with my mother at the age of 30 is taking a huge hit on my emotional status, my brother moved back home recently and it is causing me more stress than I like to have at home.

My dog, Randy, has never been a fan of my brother, Joe. He has always barked and growled at him when seeing him or upon my brother's arrival. My brother doesn't help this relationship by being mean to Randy and just overall not making an effort to be nice at all.

Since my brother has moved home, Randy's barking and aggression toward my brother has become worse. It seems that Randy has enjoyed a Joe-free year and is really angry that he is back full time. All week Randy has been barking, almost constantly at Joe, leaving me with a headache and a lot of stress.

Since my brother is not making an effort to calm this situation, I have stopped attempting to quiet Randy. I used to try, but it has been way to stressful and I can't deal with it anymore (have I mentioned the major week long headache that won't go away).

I'm not sure where to go from here. I can't stand the barking, I can't stand the meanness, I love them both, I'm tired of being stressed in my own home.

There are other stresses at home that have been straining to me. My brother lives in the room next door (the big beautiful room that used to be mine, but my mom refused to let me move back in there even though Joe moved out. That is a whole other set of issues that cause me emotional pain). My brother and his girlfriend aren't always quiet. I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping. Some of the lack of sleep is due to medical issues, but some is due to the noise level coming from the room next door. For a person that needs to dedicate as much time to sleep as possible due to the medical problems, having some noises next door is not welcoming.

Seeing my brother and his girlfriend sleep here every single night, also makes me a little jealous. My boyfriend never even comes to my house let alone sleep over. I always have to sleep at his house and it is usually on the weekends. So, I have a little envy over their relationship, since I would love to see my boyfriend every day, but don't.

I really need to move out. I don't know if I can't take much more. But that puts me in a hard spot because I can't afford to move out right now. Apartments are expensive around here and I don't make that much money. And then that reminds me of how I don't like my job and want to make more money and around and around we go.

I just want the stress to end. Make the merry-go-round of emotions end.

Wanted: Passion

I really wish I had more support. Lately I have been feeling like I have had little or no support from the people who love me and should be supportive of me.

I have wanted to go back to school for something I have always wanted to study-Criminal Justice. I briefly mentioned this on Easter and my brother said I was "crazy" and have been "watching too much tv." Thanks. I talked about it at a wedding to a table filled with people from my boyfriend's work. Some of them were very supportive telling me not to give up on my dream. But most of them said "find a passion outside of work" or "try working at another school and see if that helps". No that doesn't help. I have worked at many, many schools and I always wind up feeling like this...depressed, unappreciated, no passion.

I talked to my boyfriend about it and sometimes he is all for me going back to school, he has been very encouraging and if it weren't for him, I would've never even had the courage to apply. There are other times that I feel he is annoyed or thinks I am giving up on my career too early. He hasn't been with me for as long as I have been a teacher. I have been doing this for over 10 years, and I didn't hate all of it for the whole time, but I certainly have not enjoyed it for that entire decade either. He has only seen the past 5 months and thinks that I just hate my current place of employment (which I do).

Something is definitely different now. I have been out sick more since starting my current job then I have been in my whole life. I will make up any excuse to get out of there or to be sick. I just hate it there that much. I started at this new school a little over a year ago to get into a better working environment. This company is known to be one of the top 100 places to work for in the nation. I just don't feel that way. Working there has caused me to lose my passion even more for this profession.

I have been wanting to talk to my boss about going back to school for over a month now. I just have been afraid that she won't be supportive about it and therefore I won't have a job anymore due to my lack of passion.

I just feel like I need a better support system. Its a big decision to go back to school. It is just difficult to have no support.

Uninvited

Today is the birthday of my boyfriend's sister and they are having a family party at her house.

I wasn't invited. And it hurts my feelings. I am not sure if it should hurt my feelings but it does.

My boyfriend, in the short amount of time we have been dating, has been invited to three family birthday parties. He attended one of them even though he said that he was going to come to all of them. But its the invite that counts. He has been invited to three and I haven't been invited to one.

It hurts my feelings. He has been included as a part of my family already and I have not been accepted as part of his. And a part of me wishes that he would fight for me more on this issue with his family but maybe he isn't ready for me to be included in family events yet. It still hurts. I was hoping all day for a call or text telling me the details of meeting for this event but I got nothing. I am hurt. I don't know if I'd ever tell him that and I don't even know if it is right to feel this way, but I am still sad about it.