At What Price?

I really want to be happy in my next job. So I was very excited when the physical therapy office that I go to needed a new medical assistant. I have no training in this field at all. But many of the doctors and therapists at the office have given me a good recommendation to the owner of the practice. They also assured me that they would train me on the job.

This possibility has me very excited. I am looking forward to a career change. It even has me wanting to go back to school to become a certified medical assistant.

For a few years now, I have been wanting to get out of the education field. I have totally lost my passion for teaching and have no desire to do it anymore. Honestly, I don't even want to work with children at all. So, I was very unsure when my boyfriend's boss asked me to be a nanny for his two children. Not only do I want to get out of the child care field, I highly dislike his boss. I think he is a jerk and every time I talk to him he makes me feel bad about myself. I am sure that this is not the kind of person that I want to have as my boss or to have to interact with everyday. That aside, this position would pay a lot more than I have ever made at any job. The money would be nice, but is it at the price of my happiness?

Deflated

New Job....new hatred for what I do.

I finally got a job in the public schools, something that most people with an education degree dream of having. I work in the before and after school program at a local public school district. I Thought it would be great. I thought that it would be just like what I was doing before just with older kids. But I was wrong. Sure, it definitely isn't as stressful with the children. But the hours are horrible... a big split shift with a 5 hour break mid-day. It makes for a long day....waking up early when it is dark to get home late when it is dark. But what I feel makes the job worse is the fact that there is no teaching going on at all. I am basically babysitting children before and after school while they do homework, color, put together puzzles and play cards. And yes, the occasional game of Uno cards can be pleasant and enjoyable, it is not something I want to be doing every day all day long at work.

I asked my site leader if I can do some projects or science experiments. And he told me not to bother. The children aren't interested and they are constantly getting interrupted by parent pick ups, other children and other games. I feel like my creativity and knowledge has been stifled.

When I interviewed for this position, I asked about starting enrichment programs based on the children' s interests and about projects and activities. And they described a program that was all that. Except its not.

So I am lost as to what to do. I just got a job...in the public schools which can give me good connections and help me get into a better position in the district later on. The hours, though in the long term suck, will help me in the short term with being able to go to physical therapy in the day on my long break. This job has very part time hours which means very minimal paycheck and the placement of the hours make it impossible to get another part time job to fill in the blanks.

I used to get excited to go to work. When I was working in preschools, seeing all those smiling excited faces ready to learn, planning lesson plans and art projects. I loved it. I couldn't wait to go to school the next day. Now I am not excited about it at all. I don't like having that feeling.

I'm feeling deflated. A bachelor's degree from a good school; thirteen years of teaching experience; certification....and I have an hourly part time after school babysitting-like position. Is this all I am worth?

Drifting into the Future

I was just viewing pictures on facebook of a friend's wedding. We grew up together and I remember having play dates at her house when we were in elementary school. We lost touch in college but are "facebook friends".

In viewing the beautiful pictures of her wedding, I noticed that a lot of her bridesmaids were all people I grew up with. Our circle of elementary school friends were all present in her bridal party.

It got me to thinking about how I never keep in touch with people, even my closest friends I have trouble calling or emailing. Because of this, I have lost many friends over the years when I could have lifelong friends. I was always jealous of the people who are still close friends with people they knew in high school or grammar school.

This also happens to me with work. The longest held job I have had is 3 years. I am constantly moving from job to job and am rarely happy in the one that I have. This has resulted in a resume that isn't so wanted by good companies. I am envious of my boyfriend who has worked for the same company for over 15 years, since high school. At the same time, even though I want that, I can't even imagine being at the same workplace for that long. I feel I would get bored. Someone told me that I am a drifter when it comes to work. I thought they were wrong at first but I think now that it is very true.

It has me worried about the future. I don't have many friends to begin with. Many of them live far away. I have a handful of friends from high school and college and don't really make friends at work. So when I get married, I will have no one to stand up with me as my bridal party. And I won't really have friends to support me through my life. When it comes time to have a family, will I be able to keep a steady job to support a child.

I am not making excuses for myself but I was recently reading about Adult ADHD and the things I am writing about here are some of the symptoms of the disorder. I am seriously beginning to wonder if that is the cause of all these issues.

How do I correct this? Who can help me with this? Or is it too late?

Blessing in Disguise

This ACL tear may be the best thing to ever happen to me.

While that is hard to say with all the pain and discomfort I am having, it may have done something wonderful for my career. Because I was hurt my work has not scheduled me, so I was laid off. I was down in the dumps thinking about how this injury has really put me in a bad spot. With no money being made and having a hard time getting around, I was really depressed. Then I decided to take action. I applied for unemployment, something my employer was very upset with me about. Then, I applied at every director, assistant director and administrative position in a child care setting that was in the tri-county area. I was willing to drive an hour away just to gain a good position and use my skills and knowledge for a leadership role. At first, I thought it would never work out. Until today. I have two interviews scheduled for tomorrow, both of them for a director position at brand new schools! I am super excited and hopeful that it all works out.

So even though I am in pain and can't do everything that I used to, I may be better off because of it.

"Why do blessings wear disguises? If I were a blessing, I'd run around naked!"

Moving On Up

I started a new job last week. For the past week, I have been floating around the school, working in various classrooms and doing different tasks. I have enjoyed this, but still would eventually like to have my own class.

Today, I got that offered to me. Their kindergarten teacher is leaving and they asked me to be her replacement. I am ecstatic about it. I love the children in there and I have a good rapport with them. It is only for the rest of this school year, since they already hired someone for the next school year. After June, I will be working more in the office since my boss is going on maternity leave. All of this pleases me. I am excited for it.

When I told my boyfriend about it and how excited I am for it, his response was "Boo. You want to be a director."

OK? That is true...I would like to be a director. However, I know that it takes work to move up in position. I have already been blessed at this position to be moving up as quickly as I am. So I am happy that they believe in my abilities and qualifications enough to offer me the position of kindergarten teacher. I am responsible, the kids in there already know me, so it is easy to make the transition.

In the past week, I have worked my tail off. I am proud of that. I want to show them that I am a good worker, a better worker than I used to be, and see it paid off for me! I am happy. I just wish that he was happier for me.

Out With The Bad, In With The Good

Yesterday, I had both a bad and a good day. Work was horrible, so horrible that I will resign after the events of yesterday. So that was bad. But I was able to obtain a job at a former employer, so that was good.

So my boyfriend gave me just what I needed. A night out at a local place to play rock band with friends! He knew that I needed to relax after the rough day and just needed to get my mind off of things. He also knew that we should celebrate the new job offer and getting out of a bad situation.

And I needed the cuddles and hugs and smiles and smooches from my loving boyfriend. So that didn't hurt either! He makes me feel better by giving me what I need. It calms me, relaxes me, makes me smile. He can turn my day around.

Missing Teaching

I think I hate my job. Actually I am mostly sure of it.

I thought that I would enjoy being a preschool director. I was a director before and loved it. But this school is different. Besides only being allowed to sit in an office all day and not interact with the children, the owner of the school is not only mean to me but also is cruel to the children. It is horrible what I hear her say to the children, it is just not acceptable. The school also is not following any state licensing regulations and is in fact breaking many of them. How this school remains licensed is a mystery to me.

I was never fully trained at this position so I go through work daily feeling incredibly unsure and unconfident in myself. Any one who knows me knows that if it is one thing that I am confident in it is my knowledge of child development and my ability to teach children. This job has zapped me of all of my confidence in what I do, what little I had left after my last job.

Today really bothered me. I am educated in how to teach children and how to make teachers and schools a better place for families. I am not trained in how to be a secretary and office manager. I do not know how to use quickbooks except for the bare minimums. I do not want to be in charge of the finances of not only the school but two other companies as well as my boss' personal finances. When I was hired they neglected to tell me that this would be the only thing that I would be doing and instead told me everything that I wanted to hear. Today, I told my boss that I think that there is less money in the accounts than she thought and I got in trouble. I felt terribly bad about it and I know part of it is my errors. But also, I was not trained in how to use quickbooks so how the hell was I supposed to know what to do. So she called the accountant and I had to sit in the office all day watching him do his work while being made to look foolish and feeling stupid.

I think that I actually miss teaching. I miss being creative and being a part of children's lives. I miss interacting with children and seeing that a-ha moment when they finally got something. I miss being in an environment where a child's uniqueness is fostered not diminished. I want to be in a more positive learning environment.

I feel like I may be making a mistake if I leave my current position. Am I meant to be a teacher and just a teacher? If I leave will I be able to do everything that my current flexible schedule allows? I think the flexible schedule is the only thing keeping me at my director job, is it worth it?

Just Not Sure

I am really not sure about a lot of things lately. Life in general just has me down and confused.

Things with my boyfriend haven't been going so great lately. We have been having mini arguments and I have been sadder and sadder around him than usual. I know that we are opposites, but its getting to be too much when he doesn't want to compromise at all. Its all what he wants to do and nothing what I want to do. Just not fair. I'm just asking for compromise. Then, this weekend, we did something he wanted to do = go to a bar. I finally got up the courage to sing karaoke and he when I looked around while I was singing. It was my first time and I was so proud and he wasn't there. He was outside smoking or flirting with someone else, or God knows what cause i couldn't find him after. It upset me. I probably over reacted but I got really upset and it caused an argument that night that didn't really end for a while. The next morning I was so depressed that I had self-destructive thoughts and had to call my therapist to calm me down. I am just starting to wonder if this relationship is the one I have always dreamed of. We have LOTS of good time too. He makes me happy, makes me laugh, is very supportive and is always there for me when I need him. He balances me out and calms me down. Do the good things outweigh the bad?

I am also having second thoughts about my new job. I have been there for two months now. I have enjoyed the job until this week when my boss has been blaming me for things that others are doing and yelling at me for things that I wasn't trained about. It is not my fault that I was not trained properly. I guess they want me to be a mind reader, but I just can't take it. I also don't find it fair that they tell me one thing and I go and do that and then then next day they change their minds and blame me for doing the wrong thing. My second doubts escalated yesterday when my boss threatened to spank a child. Abuse is something I will not tolerate. It is sometimes such a negative working environment. Is this the type of place that I want to work at?

Trembling with Fear

I am terrified, worried, afraid, upset, sad sick, nauseated and confused.

A few months ago, I started getting little twitches in my arms and legs while falling asleep or laying down. I ignored it at first because it was manageable. But then I was getting no sleep at all after a while and I went to the doctor and he diagnosed me with Restless Legs Syndrome and he gave me an anti-convulsion medicine.

I took the medicine and I was happy that I could sleep at night but then the twitches started happening during the day, so at the next appointment, the doctor raised my dose.

I took the new higher dose and began having violent full body movements while sleeping. They occurred several times a night and would wake my boyfriend up but I would sleep right through them. The doctor told me I had to go on a sleep study but to remain on the same dose of medicine.

Last week, I began having tremors and seizures. First, my right hand will shake, like a person with Parkinson's Disease would have. Then my whole right side will tremble. Then I have a strong urge to lay down and then my entire body will go into seizure. Most of the seizures I don't remember, it is like I am unconscious. I went back to the doctor and he gave me a higher dose of my current medication as well as a new anti-seizure medicine.

I took the medicine as directed and went to work. I had a tremor at work. I don't think that it was a full on seizure because I remember the entire event and I usually don't when I have a seizure. But either way, it was horrible because it was a work, at a job that I just started on Monday. I was trying to hide the seizure thing from them because I work with kids and I didn't want to get fired. But that only lasted so long....in fact.... 4 days. Well they won't let me come back to work until i have a note from the neurologist saying that I am capable of driving and working with children.

I can't really worry about the job right now. I wasn't there that long and that isn't even what matters right now. What is important is my health. I am scared to death. The doctor did mention a possible seizure disorder. I just want it diagnosed. I don't want to continue taking these meds, that most of the time do not work, just to mask the symptoms. I want to know what is causing them and what the diagnosis is. I'm scared of it all but I will deal with it as it comes. I have to just trust that things will be ok. Thank goodness for me that I have a great family, boyfriend and friends that love and support me.

Lost

It's been three days of doing nothing since the lay off.

I applied for unemployment...always fun.
I filled out a FAFSA for school....which is confusing.
I took my dog for a walk at his favorite park.
I made an appointment for my dog at the vet.
I painted.
I cleaned.
I fixed up my tree frog's cage.

But mostly I sat around my house looking for something to do, which usually ended up in me sitting on the couch watching t.v. or on the computer or reading a book. None of which I mind doing, but doing this for forty hours a week gets pretty boring.

I have one interview next week for a better position in a good school. I am not even looking forward to it. I had my heart set on going back to school. Filled out my financial aid forms the day I got the call for the interview. Now that this vacant position is better than my last one, I am starting to be confused about what I should do. I am not at all excited for this interview, but will probably wind up taking it if it is offered to me, and therefore prolonging going back to school. I know that I will not be fully happy working in this field anymore, but I feel pressured to take the job.

I spent my entire adult life trying to build myself into something that was marketable to the teaching profession. I have done just that. I went to a well known university that had an excellent child development and early education program. I did well in school, making the dean's lists and the president's lists. I enrolled in great internships and student teaching programs. I graduated with honors. I have had several teaching positions and have built on each one. I have won teaching awards and have excellent references. My resume is impressive. I am an excellent candidate for any position in the early childhood education field. The only thing is...I don't want it anymore. I spent all that time building myself into a model teacher and I have now lost my passion for it. But now that I have such an impressive background, is that all I am worth?

I'm so confused...SO very confused. I don't know what to do. I just want to be happy and I haven't been happy teaching in years. Yet everyone I talk to tells me I am crazy for not wanting to teach since I have built up such a knowledge of education and have a lot of experience. They say to start over is just going in the wrong direction. I don't know what to do. I just want a better future and happiness. I just don't know how to achieve that right now.

Tonight is Wednesday. Wednesday is my usual date night with my boyfriend. We didn't do anything. In fact, it wasn't even mentioned once today about it being date night. I have been sitting home for the last three days, bored and sad that I am now one of the many people in this country to be unemployed. I REALLY needed to get out and have fun and take my mind off of things. I needed a hug and cuddles from my boyfriend. Instead he is still at work. Yup, still at work at 11:30 at night.

So I was just IM'ing him and started telling him how I was sad, lost and confused. He asked "why". I told him my reasons and then he says "Sorry you are confused. I have to go outside and get fresh air. Good Night" That doesn't help me at all!!!! That made me feel even more upset. To have no support from the one person who should love and support you in life, is really difficult to deal with especially when I have other things that I am having trouble sorting through.

I'm just confused, sad, frustrated and lost. I hope for the answers soon.

"Even in the darkest moments, there is always room for love and hope"

The Lay Off

I got laid off yesterday. My boss pulled me into her office and told me that Friday would be my last day. I wasn't as sad as I should be. It didn't even fully worry me. I was actually more relieved than anything. Now I can go back to school full time while collecting unemployment and makes the decision to go back to school much easier.

I was very excited about this possibility...until I received a lack of support from my boyfriend. He is convinced that I should go back to school for my masters degree in education rather than criminal justice. And now he is saying that I should put off going back to school, because I need to find a job in this economy before someone else does. He said it's just not the right time and having a job is more important because of today's economic times

I want to go back to school and at this point I feel like nothing is stopping me. That is what I want to do. I even got laid off at work because of my desire to go back to school--I know sounds backwards, but they knew that if I went back to school that it would mean that I would have to cut my hours to do so. They figured that allowing me to collect unemployment was a gift. Nice of them, but honestly it kind of did make it all easier...well until I received criticism from my boyfriend.

His comments made me think about my decision a little bit more, but I still have a strong desire to go back to school. I am pretty sure that I am still going to go through with it. It is what I have been wanting to do for months now...and I just can't give up on myself now!

Acceptance

I got accepted to John Jay College for Criminal Justice!!!!!!!

I am super excited and when I got the acceptance letter I couldn't stop smiling. I am also very, very nervous and scared. It is such a change--in career and life. My entire schedule will be different and it will be an adjustment.

I am also worried that I will not be happy after all this work to change my career. After all, I went to school for 4 years to become a preschool teacher and wound up hating it, so I am concerned that those feelings will happen again. I hope not but who knows.

I am excited and happy with a little bit (or rather a lot) of caution.

Flip Flop

I've been really indecisive about college / career plans this past week.

I was all prepared to send my graduate school application in. Then I had a conversation with my boyfriend and a friend and both gave me the same advice. Make the smaller change first and see if that makes you happy before making a bigger change. Basically they were saying that instead of totally changing careers that maybe a move to a different type of school or teaching a different grade may be the better solution.

That night I went online to search public schools for vacancies in the upcoming school year. And as I am doing this, I realize that I am not excited at all at all the possible opportunities. I was unhappy, unexcited and pretty much miserable with even the thought of remaining a teacher. So, I decided then that I will go to grad school and study criminal justice.

Until the next day. I had my annual performance review and I did well. Really well. You would think I would be happy. Yay! I am great at my job and they appreciate my hard work. Instead it left me confused...very confused. Maybe I should stick with this career. Maybe I am good at this kind of work. But even though I am good at it, I just don't know if I want to do it anymore. It just doesn't make me happy all the time

I sent in my grad school application today. I didn't want to close the door on it. This way I'll have options in a few months and I can decided then.

I just read this whole article about the quarter life crisis. I think I am definitely in one. I just wish I knew how to cure it.

Dream Squasher

Today, I talked to my boss about wanting to go back to school. She was less than supportive. She told me that if it causes my hours to be less than 40 hours a week then she will have to let me go. When I asked her if I could transfer to a center closer to the college, she said she would see if we could work something out but she doubts it. Thanks a lot.

I understand that she has a school to run. I totally understand that. But there are other employees there that go to graduate school and not one of them is working over 32 hours a week. The schedule was made to accommodate their hours and commute time and it still didn't add up to a 40 hour work week. So, if it's okay for the others how come it's not okay for me. It doesn't seem fair.

Funny thing is, it didn't upset me or anger me. It's like it bounced off of me. I was not going to let her bring me down. I will not let her (or anyone) squash my dream. I will apply to graduate school and take what life gives me. If I need to find a new job, or go around my boss to transfer to another school, then that is what I will do. I will be just fine and one day I will graduate with a master's degree no matter who supports (or doesn't support) me.

Wanted: Passion

I really wish I had more support. Lately I have been feeling like I have had little or no support from the people who love me and should be supportive of me.

I have wanted to go back to school for something I have always wanted to study-Criminal Justice. I briefly mentioned this on Easter and my brother said I was "crazy" and have been "watching too much tv." Thanks. I talked about it at a wedding to a table filled with people from my boyfriend's work. Some of them were very supportive telling me not to give up on my dream. But most of them said "find a passion outside of work" or "try working at another school and see if that helps". No that doesn't help. I have worked at many, many schools and I always wind up feeling like this...depressed, unappreciated, no passion.

I talked to my boyfriend about it and sometimes he is all for me going back to school, he has been very encouraging and if it weren't for him, I would've never even had the courage to apply. There are other times that I feel he is annoyed or thinks I am giving up on my career too early. He hasn't been with me for as long as I have been a teacher. I have been doing this for over 10 years, and I didn't hate all of it for the whole time, but I certainly have not enjoyed it for that entire decade either. He has only seen the past 5 months and thinks that I just hate my current place of employment (which I do).

Something is definitely different now. I have been out sick more since starting my current job then I have been in my whole life. I will make up any excuse to get out of there or to be sick. I just hate it there that much. I started at this new school a little over a year ago to get into a better working environment. This company is known to be one of the top 100 places to work for in the nation. I just don't feel that way. Working there has caused me to lose my passion even more for this profession.

I have been wanting to talk to my boss about going back to school for over a month now. I just have been afraid that she won't be supportive about it and therefore I won't have a job anymore due to my lack of passion.

I just feel like I need a better support system. Its a big decision to go back to school. It is just difficult to have no support.

And The Oscar Goes To....

My boss can be an intimidating person. I guess it would be more of a passive intimidation, if there is such a thing. She comes off as being sweet but if she has ever had to talk to you about something, it comes off as an attack. There is no talking but rather she will blame you for everything that went wrong and will turn it around on you even if it is her fault. I try to avoid having any serious, major, sit down conversations with her for this reason.

The last time we "talked" she mentioned my lack of passion at my job. I didn't deny this...in fact she hit the nail right on the head. I admitted to it and was hoping that she would be supportive and maybe give a little bit of advice. Instead she reprimanded me and wrote me up for not having passion for this profession anymore. She even went as far to say that if my passion for teaching didn't return that she would have to let me go. So, needless to say that I am scared to talk to her about anything relating to this subject for fear that it may cause me to get fired.

Since that last conversation about a month ago, I have faked my way through work, pretending to be happy to be there when inside I am loathing the existence of the school and wanting to quit. I should be awarded an Oscar since I got a note from my boss today thanking me for rekindling my love for teaching.

It's funny to me that the thank you note from her came the day before I was going to talk to her about returning to school for a career change. I want to apply for a criminal justice program and I need an letter of reference from her to send my application in. I was terrified to ask her for it before since she may just attack me for it, but now I am even more afraid to go since she feels that I now love my job.

I know that I still need to talk to her about it. And I hope that she would be supportive. I know that if this is what I want to do then no one should stop me. Keep the dream alive!

I'll let you know if I get fired for hating my job.

Case of the Mondays

Lately, I have been a little down when it comes to work. I don't exactly love my job. I enjoy working with children but hate everything else about it...the hours, the stress, the people, the lack of challenge. I would love nothing more than to find another job and succeed at it. With the economy being as it is, this is not really the right time to go searching for a new career but I feel I have to or I will lose my sanity.

I have been off on medical leave for the last three weeks. I have loved it. I caught up on television and relaxed and slept and it has been oh so wonderful. Monday I have to return to work and I can already tell that my mood is more somber and blah, all due to the anticipation of returning to that dreadful place. My co-workers have been calling telling me how awful it has been there in the past three weeks and that is making it harder to look forward to going back to work.

On top of that, my benefits department due to some glitch or oversight has terminated my health insurance benefits. I didn't know this until I had several hospital and doctor's visits come back unpaid. Now I have thousands of dollars in bills.

So yeah, not happy with work right now on so many levels. And in a few days I have to return there.

Let me tell you why I hate this job so much. There are several reasons but I will give you a few that have been wearing on my mind lately.

I need more of a challenge. I am bored with just teaching preschool. When I have talked to my boss about this she told me that I don't have enough experience to apply for a promotion. I don't know when 12 years of teaching preschool and having leadership experience became not enough to go for more. I feel like she is holding me back and it makes me resent her.

I get paid very little and even before these recent medical problems I have had trouble paying the bills. I feel like being a preschool teacher is the most underpaid and under appreciated job around. And when I am there I do all the work and get no credit for it. The teacher I work with does nothing and gets the recognition. I have now developed a 'why bother' attitude.

I also feel the desire to do more. But after applying to public schools for many years and being rejected I am beginning to feel like this day care position of teaching preschool is all that I am able to do. I am good at my job and have won awards for my teaching but if I am not happy doing it then whats the point.

I don't know where to go from here. A part of me wants a total career change. I just don't know in what direction I want to go and with no experience in whatever field that is, its difficult to get a position in it. A part of me just wants to have a higher position in the same type of school. But being held back at my current school is not helping.

I really would like to get out of this depression over work so that I can be happier. I just want to be successful and happy and actually enjoy going to work.

Maybe it's too much to ask. Maybe everyone hates their job. Maybe I should just suck it up and deal with it. But I know that I am capable of more and if I have that desire then I should go for it, right?

Exhausted

So, the doctor called and told me I have Epstein-Barr Syndrome. He said that this is caused by the mono I had in the beginning of the year. Apparently, once you have mono it remains dormant in your body, so it's able to reactivate at anytime. And now mine has reactivated, since my body was already weakened from the Vertigo. Isn't that great? I'll be battling this for the rest of my life! I was finally feeling better from the Vertigo and was looking forward to returning to work soon and all that was blown away with a single phone call.

I know that I wasn't feeling fully better. I have been exhausted over the last two weeks, have been sleeping for over 10 hours a night and still waking up tired. I knew something was wrong with my body but I was hoping that the fatigue was the result of being inactive. You know how sometimes you grow tired from not being busy.

He told me that rest was the only cure for it and to just wait it out again. Meanwhile, I have to stay home from work for even longer than I planned and I am a little worried about my job security. Will they hold my place for me? I think that they will have to hire someone to take my place, at least temporarily. They thought I would be back in a month and I have already been out for double that so now that I will be out for triple or quadruple what was originally planned, what will they do? With the economy being the way it is, why would they keep someone that they have to pay disability to when they can hire someone cheaper to do the job? Someone told me that they can't legally do that, but I am sure that there are ways for them to get around it if they want to. In fact, thats how I lost my last job. I got mono, was out for 3 months and didn't have a job once I was better. So, you have to understand why I would be worried.

It just has me a little stressed. I know that it all happens for a reason. Maybe I should just concentrate on resting and getting better and not on work. Doctor said to avoid stress. So I will try to do just that, watching re-runs of Desperate Housewives on DVD and painting Christmas ornaments for everyone.

Now I think I will take a nap. Doctor's orders.

Vertigo

I'm out of commission for a little while. I've been getting dizzy for a while now and the doctor told me today I have vertigo. No work, no play until it gets treated. That has me a little bummed, but maybe the break will be good for me. I have to go see a neurologist on Friday and then go from there. I hope that all goes okay at that appointment.

I'm a little worried, a little relieved, but mostly very sad that I have to give up work and dance (and therefore give up my social life) for dizziness, but health comes first. And once I'm treated, I'll be better than new.

Shut Up

Sometimes I say things and don't think. And then a minute or two after I say it, I completely regret it and know that there may be repercussions from saying it. This happened today at work and I immediately regretted it and felt like a dumb ass. And when this happens, it is all that is on my mind and I can't stop thinking about how stupid it was to say it. I am dreading walking into work tomorrow, but already have the speech prepared in my head caused I have been obsessed about it in my thoughts.

I sometimes wonder if this wonderful trait of mine is why I have trouble baiting a man in the online world of dating. See, I start talking to guys, get to like them and then after oh a week or two of great emails, they suddenly stop all communication with no explanations what so ever. This has happened 4 or 5 times so far. I am getting frustrated and losing confidence over it more and more.

If I could just shut myself up before I say something stupid than maybe I would be more lucky. But I feel like I shouldn' t have to change myself. Can't I find myself a mate that accepts and loves this awesome quality of mine. Can't I find one that sees past the awkwardness I feel in these first few stages of dating. Aren't they feeling weird and awkward too? Maybe its just me.