Deflated

New Job....new hatred for what I do.

I finally got a job in the public schools, something that most people with an education degree dream of having. I work in the before and after school program at a local public school district. I Thought it would be great. I thought that it would be just like what I was doing before just with older kids. But I was wrong. Sure, it definitely isn't as stressful with the children. But the hours are horrible... a big split shift with a 5 hour break mid-day. It makes for a long day....waking up early when it is dark to get home late when it is dark. But what I feel makes the job worse is the fact that there is no teaching going on at all. I am basically babysitting children before and after school while they do homework, color, put together puzzles and play cards. And yes, the occasional game of Uno cards can be pleasant and enjoyable, it is not something I want to be doing every day all day long at work.

I asked my site leader if I can do some projects or science experiments. And he told me not to bother. The children aren't interested and they are constantly getting interrupted by parent pick ups, other children and other games. I feel like my creativity and knowledge has been stifled.

When I interviewed for this position, I asked about starting enrichment programs based on the children' s interests and about projects and activities. And they described a program that was all that. Except its not.

So I am lost as to what to do. I just got a job...in the public schools which can give me good connections and help me get into a better position in the district later on. The hours, though in the long term suck, will help me in the short term with being able to go to physical therapy in the day on my long break. This job has very part time hours which means very minimal paycheck and the placement of the hours make it impossible to get another part time job to fill in the blanks.

I used to get excited to go to work. When I was working in preschools, seeing all those smiling excited faces ready to learn, planning lesson plans and art projects. I loved it. I couldn't wait to go to school the next day. Now I am not excited about it at all. I don't like having that feeling.

I'm feeling deflated. A bachelor's degree from a good school; thirteen years of teaching experience; certification....and I have an hourly part time after school babysitting-like position. Is this all I am worth?

Drifting into the Future

I was just viewing pictures on facebook of a friend's wedding. We grew up together and I remember having play dates at her house when we were in elementary school. We lost touch in college but are "facebook friends".

In viewing the beautiful pictures of her wedding, I noticed that a lot of her bridesmaids were all people I grew up with. Our circle of elementary school friends were all present in her bridal party.

It got me to thinking about how I never keep in touch with people, even my closest friends I have trouble calling or emailing. Because of this, I have lost many friends over the years when I could have lifelong friends. I was always jealous of the people who are still close friends with people they knew in high school or grammar school.

This also happens to me with work. The longest held job I have had is 3 years. I am constantly moving from job to job and am rarely happy in the one that I have. This has resulted in a resume that isn't so wanted by good companies. I am envious of my boyfriend who has worked for the same company for over 15 years, since high school. At the same time, even though I want that, I can't even imagine being at the same workplace for that long. I feel I would get bored. Someone told me that I am a drifter when it comes to work. I thought they were wrong at first but I think now that it is very true.

It has me worried about the future. I don't have many friends to begin with. Many of them live far away. I have a handful of friends from high school and college and don't really make friends at work. So when I get married, I will have no one to stand up with me as my bridal party. And I won't really have friends to support me through my life. When it comes time to have a family, will I be able to keep a steady job to support a child.

I am not making excuses for myself but I was recently reading about Adult ADHD and the things I am writing about here are some of the symptoms of the disorder. I am seriously beginning to wonder if that is the cause of all these issues.

How do I correct this? Who can help me with this? Or is it too late?

Adult Definition

I recently got into an argument with a former friend. We were slinging things back and forth to each other. Then she said, "I don't expect you to understand, I have a mortgage, children, a house and a business to run. Grown up problems that are for grown ups. " I'm sorry. Am I a child that wouldn't understand these "grown up problems?" And just because I don't have a husband or children that doesn't mean that I am not an adult. I am 28 years old and have bills, payments, loans, a career....that all sounds grown up to me. I may not have children but that doesn't mean I haven't grown up.

I know that she said that in the heat of the argument, but why is that always the point that is brought up. I may not understand what it means to be a mother but I still have issues of my own that are very adult.

To society, will I never be an adult unless I am married with children?