I was just viewing pictures on facebook of a friend's wedding. We grew up together and I remember having play dates at her house when we were in elementary school. We lost touch in college but are "facebook friends".
In viewing the beautiful pictures of her wedding, I noticed that a lot of her bridesmaids were all people I grew up with. Our circle of elementary school friends were all present in her bridal party.
It got me to thinking about how I never keep in touch with people, even my closest friends I have trouble calling or emailing. Because of this, I have lost many friends over the years when I could have lifelong friends. I was always jealous of the people who are still close friends with people they knew in high school or grammar school.
This also happens to me with work. The longest held job I have had is 3 years. I am constantly moving from job to job and am rarely happy in the one that I have. This has resulted in a resume that isn't so wanted by good companies. I am envious of my boyfriend who has worked for the same company for over 15 years, since high school. At the same time, even though I want that, I can't even imagine being at the same workplace for that long. I feel I would get bored. Someone told me that I am a drifter when it comes to work. I thought they were wrong at first but I think now that it is very true.
It has me worried about the future. I don't have many friends to begin with. Many of them live far away. I have a handful of friends from high school and college and don't really make friends at work. So when I get married, I will have no one to stand up with me as my bridal party. And I won't really have friends to support me through my life. When it comes time to have a family, will I be able to keep a steady job to support a child.
I am not making excuses for myself but I was recently reading about Adult ADHD and the things I am writing about here are some of the symptoms of the disorder. I am seriously beginning to wonder if that is the cause of all these issues.
How do I correct this? Who can help me with this? Or is it too late?
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
New York, New York
Our trip to New York that never was.
On Saturday, we were invited to a birthday party at a bar/restaurant in New York City called 230 Fifth. It was a rooftop bar and we were excited to go. We made reservations for a hotel room to stay over night and left early for the city so we could relax and eat dinner before the party began.
The trip was filled with traffic. Most of what we saw was brake lights. It was unusual to see so much traffic on a Saturday night and there we were stuck in it. We pulled over so I could use the bathroom and we got lost in Jersey City which set us back about a half hour. As we are approaching the Holland Tunnel, my boyfriend says "Uh Oh, I can't find my wallet!" We called home and no one could find it there, so we thought that it must be in our overnight bag in the trunk. We were stuck in traffic so we had to go through the tunnel before pulling over to see if it was there. It wasn't. We drove around the city for a little while but then returned home.
When we got home, we found the wallet in his pants pocket in his hamper. He had changed his pants right before we left for New York.
I was surprised at how well we handled the situation. At a time when we would be stressed and angry over it, we just laughed it off and relaxed at home. We were stressed. We were disappointed. We didn't let it get to us and we just enjoyed our ride around the city. I thought it would be a horrible night, but it turned out to be a wonderful one, very happy and loving.
Everything happens for a reason, it turns out that the group that did make it to the party did not have a great time. Our friend twisted her ankle and they wound up having to leave the party early to take her to an urgent care center.
Our night was beautiful and we laugh looking at it now. I wouldn't have it any other way.
On Saturday, we were invited to a birthday party at a bar/restaurant in New York City called 230 Fifth. It was a rooftop bar and we were excited to go. We made reservations for a hotel room to stay over night and left early for the city so we could relax and eat dinner before the party began.
The trip was filled with traffic. Most of what we saw was brake lights. It was unusual to see so much traffic on a Saturday night and there we were stuck in it. We pulled over so I could use the bathroom and we got lost in Jersey City which set us back about a half hour. As we are approaching the Holland Tunnel, my boyfriend says "Uh Oh, I can't find my wallet!" We called home and no one could find it there, so we thought that it must be in our overnight bag in the trunk. We were stuck in traffic so we had to go through the tunnel before pulling over to see if it was there. It wasn't. We drove around the city for a little while but then returned home.
When we got home, we found the wallet in his pants pocket in his hamper. He had changed his pants right before we left for New York.
I was surprised at how well we handled the situation. At a time when we would be stressed and angry over it, we just laughed it off and relaxed at home. We were stressed. We were disappointed. We didn't let it get to us and we just enjoyed our ride around the city. I thought it would be a horrible night, but it turned out to be a wonderful one, very happy and loving.
Everything happens for a reason, it turns out that the group that did make it to the party did not have a great time. Our friend twisted her ankle and they wound up having to leave the party early to take her to an urgent care center.
Our night was beautiful and we laugh looking at it now. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Lie, Cheat and Defriend
So, a few days ago, my friend called and told me that she got caught cheating on her boyfriend. He found emails and online chats between them. She called me to tell me that she told her boyfriend that I was using her computer to talk to a guy and that I was cheating on my boyfriend. I was pissed that she would drag me into a situation like that while smearing my integrity. I told her that I wouldn't lie for her, not because I didn't care for her, but I really didn't feel comfortable lying to anyone about something like that. Cheating is not something I believe in and I refuse to go against who I am just to cover up someone else's mistakes.
It doesn't bother me that she cheated. Though it is something I wouldn't do, I still feel like that was her choice. What bothered me is that she involved me in a situation that I didn't ask to be in and on top of that threatened my integrity, my values and my beliefs by asking me to lie to her boyfriend just so that he wouldn't break up with her. She made a mistake, but I don't see why I have to lie to someone to cover it up.
It really bothers me. I feel like a true friend would never put me in that situation. She was one of the closest friends I had around here. I guess she wasn't as good of a friend as I thought she was. Its just sad. She now will not talk to me and even went as immaturely "defriended" me from facebook. So childish.
I love and respect myself, my boyfriend and my relationship. I would never give all that up by lying or cheating. And having someone ask me to lie about just that is wrong. I refused to do it and in fact felt really good about standing up for myself and what I believe in. Even though I lost a friend, I know I did the right thing.
It doesn't bother me that she cheated. Though it is something I wouldn't do, I still feel like that was her choice. What bothered me is that she involved me in a situation that I didn't ask to be in and on top of that threatened my integrity, my values and my beliefs by asking me to lie to her boyfriend just so that he wouldn't break up with her. She made a mistake, but I don't see why I have to lie to someone to cover it up.
It really bothers me. I feel like a true friend would never put me in that situation. She was one of the closest friends I had around here. I guess she wasn't as good of a friend as I thought she was. Its just sad. She now will not talk to me and even went as immaturely "defriended" me from facebook. So childish.
I love and respect myself, my boyfriend and my relationship. I would never give all that up by lying or cheating. And having someone ask me to lie about just that is wrong. I refused to do it and in fact felt really good about standing up for myself and what I believe in. Even though I lost a friend, I know I did the right thing.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Once Happy
Our friends are getting a divorce. The husband cheated on his wife and they are separating.
I have so many thoughts about this. It makes me sad to see two friends go through this. I am worried about their well being and about how their children will handle it. I know that we will have to be there for them as they go through these hard times.
It is impossible to know what happened to lead up to these events. No one knows what goes on in any relationship behind closed doors. We tend to think that everything is fine. With the growing number of divorced couples, I find it hard to believe that everyone is doing peachy.
It also makes me think about myself and my relationship, which I know is really selfish while this is going on. I just don't want that for us. We need to commit to each other that no matter what the issue is that we talk it through and work it out. If you love each other enough, you can work through anything.
I guess our friends lost their love somewhere along the way. Its sad to see a once happy couple have to go down this path. I will support their family. If this is the decision that they feel is best for their family, than we will be there for them to offer support, comfort and friendship.
I have so many thoughts about this. It makes me sad to see two friends go through this. I am worried about their well being and about how their children will handle it. I know that we will have to be there for them as they go through these hard times.
It is impossible to know what happened to lead up to these events. No one knows what goes on in any relationship behind closed doors. We tend to think that everything is fine. With the growing number of divorced couples, I find it hard to believe that everyone is doing peachy.
It also makes me think about myself and my relationship, which I know is really selfish while this is going on. I just don't want that for us. We need to commit to each other that no matter what the issue is that we talk it through and work it out. If you love each other enough, you can work through anything.
I guess our friends lost their love somewhere along the way. Its sad to see a once happy couple have to go down this path. I will support their family. If this is the decision that they feel is best for their family, than we will be there for them to offer support, comfort and friendship.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Enough
Am I not enough for my boyfriend? Why do we always have to have "plans" to hang out?
It's Friday! Yay! And one of my favorite things about Fridays is that I get to see and hang out with my boyfriend. I don't really see him during the week. We don't live together and he works crazy hours sometimes, so I look forward to Fridays.
Tonight I was and still am looking forward to seeing him, but because we don't have "plans" with other people he now wants to scrap hanging out with me because "we have nothing planned to do". I don't understand. Why does we need to have a group to hang out? Am I not good enough? Does he need a distraction from me? It confuses me. It makes me wonder about our relationship.
Now I know I could be totally over-reacting here, but it just bothers me.
It's Friday! Yay! And one of my favorite things about Fridays is that I get to see and hang out with my boyfriend. I don't really see him during the week. We don't live together and he works crazy hours sometimes, so I look forward to Fridays.
Tonight I was and still am looking forward to seeing him, but because we don't have "plans" with other people he now wants to scrap hanging out with me because "we have nothing planned to do". I don't understand. Why does we need to have a group to hang out? Am I not good enough? Does he need a distraction from me? It confuses me. It makes me wonder about our relationship.
Now I know I could be totally over-reacting here, but it just bothers me.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Arrogance
Yesterday we went to my boyfriend's friend's house to launch their jet skis. His friend's name is Alex and also happens to be his boss. My boyfriend has known him for a long time and the two of them are close. I stayed behind with Alex's wife while the boys had their fun in the water. I like Alex's wife and had a really good time talking and hanging out with her.
I was totally comfortable in the situation until we were standing on the dock watching them come in with their jet skis. Alex made it back first and docked his ski. I saw that my boyfriend's jet ski got clogged and he went in the water to fix it. I stood their watching while Alex insulted my boyfriend saying he was a "dumbass", "stupid", "he just doesn't listen", and "did you expect him to actually be smart". Now I know that friends engage in some friendly jokes but this to me sounded like he really thought that he was dumb. Alex didn't laugh after he said it, he just seemed annoyed.
After hearing that, I became uncomfortable being at his house. I told my boyfriend that I was uncomfortable but didn't tell him about the insults. Eventually I ignored Alex, which was difficult since we were at his house, and I managed to have a good time by playing with Alex's three year old daughter.
It's really hard. This is not the first time this has happened. At a wedding, Alex tried to convince me to break up with my boyfriend. I told him about it and at work the next day my boyfriend defended me and told him off. Now Alex doesn't directly talk to me usually, which is fine by me.
I don't like Alex. Besides insulting my boyfriend, I find Alex to be arrogant, bossy and abusive. I am not comfortable around him. I wish I had the guts to say something to him when he is being insulting and rude, but I know that he is his boss and I try not to make waves for him at work. I also will have to hang out with him more and more and want to feel comfortable around him. I don't know what to do about it. Its just a hard situation. And is there a rule that says I HAVE to like all of my boyfriend's friends?
I was totally comfortable in the situation until we were standing on the dock watching them come in with their jet skis. Alex made it back first and docked his ski. I saw that my boyfriend's jet ski got clogged and he went in the water to fix it. I stood their watching while Alex insulted my boyfriend saying he was a "dumbass", "stupid", "he just doesn't listen", and "did you expect him to actually be smart". Now I know that friends engage in some friendly jokes but this to me sounded like he really thought that he was dumb. Alex didn't laugh after he said it, he just seemed annoyed.
After hearing that, I became uncomfortable being at his house. I told my boyfriend that I was uncomfortable but didn't tell him about the insults. Eventually I ignored Alex, which was difficult since we were at his house, and I managed to have a good time by playing with Alex's three year old daughter.
It's really hard. This is not the first time this has happened. At a wedding, Alex tried to convince me to break up with my boyfriend. I told him about it and at work the next day my boyfriend defended me and told him off. Now Alex doesn't directly talk to me usually, which is fine by me.
I don't like Alex. Besides insulting my boyfriend, I find Alex to be arrogant, bossy and abusive. I am not comfortable around him. I wish I had the guts to say something to him when he is being insulting and rude, but I know that he is his boss and I try not to make waves for him at work. I also will have to hang out with him more and more and want to feel comfortable around him. I don't know what to do about it. Its just a hard situation. And is there a rule that says I HAVE to like all of my boyfriend's friends?
Friday, February 20, 2009
Fuel to the Fire
I think that sometimes it is hard for me to understand that I am not the only one in my boyfriend's life. It is hard for me because most of my friends live long distance, so I rarely get the chance to see them or make plans with them. And if my friends need advice or to talk, it is via phone calls, instant messenger or emails.
Tonight my boyfriend and I had plans to go out (which I was very excited for). So, when he tells me that he would like to go visit his friend Sue instead, because she just broke off an engagement and needs someone to talk to, I was at first very upset and very disappointed. One would even say I was mad. I remember saying out of anger that I was tired of losing out to other people. I wish I didn't say that, but I was frustrated at the time and I guess it really was how I felt. I was being selfish. It is hard for me to understand that his friends can get that immediate help if they need to call on him. With me, if I am going through something I have to call or leave an email or pray they are on AOL at the time. In other words, I have to wait for a response and sometimes that waiting is hours or days. I rarely have the opportunity to give or receive immediate advice. And in a way, I am jealous that his friends get that. I am also happy that he cares enough that he wants to help his friends.
I drove around for a while just to clear my head and realized that I may have over reacted and added more stress to the situation for him. And I feel bad about that. I feel like I could have helped him more and instead I just made it worse.
See, there is a lot more to this situation that I didn't realize when it first happened but have since learned about. I think he left out the fact that he was fighting with his parents because he didn't want to worry me. He has said in the past that he tries to not tell me about the rough times. He lets his friends help him through that, so that he and I can have the happy times together. Still, sometimes I wish he would go to me for help. Lord knows I go to him for it.
I do worry about this fight with his parents. I know that his mom isn't too fond of me, so I would hope that whatever this fight is about, its not me. I also hope that his mom's dislike of me doesn't cause him to change his thoughts about our relationship. A mother-in-law doesn't have to like her daughter-in-law, right? Like this relationship could still be successful without the blessing of mommy dearest.....gosh I hope.
Our relationship is still relatively new and I know that I am not fully used to him or his friends/family yet. I know with time this will take care of itself. I just want to help him now and I don't know how to yet.
Like I said, I drove around for over an hour. I just got on the highway and went. I got caught up in my thoughts. The first half of my drive, I was still frustrated and shaky and worried and upset. But then I realized how silly I was being. My boyfriend needs support right now and I am worried about our plans for tonight!? Once I had this epiphany, I turned around and drove home with a new attitude.
I realized what my boyfriend needs right now is to have his girlfriend be there when he needs her to be and to not add fuel to the fire when he is already stressing over so many other things.
I want to be that good girlfriend. The girl of his dreams? I'm not sure I can live up to that, but I can sure try.
(Sorry if I rambled in this blog. I had so many thoughts all at once and couldn't get them all down quick enough. Hope it makes sense)
Tonight my boyfriend and I had plans to go out (which I was very excited for). So, when he tells me that he would like to go visit his friend Sue instead, because she just broke off an engagement and needs someone to talk to, I was at first very upset and very disappointed. One would even say I was mad. I remember saying out of anger that I was tired of losing out to other people. I wish I didn't say that, but I was frustrated at the time and I guess it really was how I felt. I was being selfish. It is hard for me to understand that his friends can get that immediate help if they need to call on him. With me, if I am going through something I have to call or leave an email or pray they are on AOL at the time. In other words, I have to wait for a response and sometimes that waiting is hours or days. I rarely have the opportunity to give or receive immediate advice. And in a way, I am jealous that his friends get that. I am also happy that he cares enough that he wants to help his friends.
I drove around for a while just to clear my head and realized that I may have over reacted and added more stress to the situation for him. And I feel bad about that. I feel like I could have helped him more and instead I just made it worse.
See, there is a lot more to this situation that I didn't realize when it first happened but have since learned about. I think he left out the fact that he was fighting with his parents because he didn't want to worry me. He has said in the past that he tries to not tell me about the rough times. He lets his friends help him through that, so that he and I can have the happy times together. Still, sometimes I wish he would go to me for help. Lord knows I go to him for it.
I do worry about this fight with his parents. I know that his mom isn't too fond of me, so I would hope that whatever this fight is about, its not me. I also hope that his mom's dislike of me doesn't cause him to change his thoughts about our relationship. A mother-in-law doesn't have to like her daughter-in-law, right? Like this relationship could still be successful without the blessing of mommy dearest.....gosh I hope.
Our relationship is still relatively new and I know that I am not fully used to him or his friends/family yet. I know with time this will take care of itself. I just want to help him now and I don't know how to yet.
Like I said, I drove around for over an hour. I just got on the highway and went. I got caught up in my thoughts. The first half of my drive, I was still frustrated and shaky and worried and upset. But then I realized how silly I was being. My boyfriend needs support right now and I am worried about our plans for tonight!? Once I had this epiphany, I turned around and drove home with a new attitude.
I realized what my boyfriend needs right now is to have his girlfriend be there when he needs her to be and to not add fuel to the fire when he is already stressing over so many other things.
I want to be that good girlfriend. The girl of his dreams? I'm not sure I can live up to that, but I can sure try.
(Sorry if I rambled in this blog. I had so many thoughts all at once and couldn't get them all down quick enough. Hope it makes sense)
Saturday, January 24, 2009
So You Had a Bad Week
I guess cause I have been single for a while, I forgot how hard being in a relationship can be. Especially when it is a new relationship, and you are trying to learn about one another but also trying to do all the right things so that you don't screw it up.
I am an emotional person. I always have been. I am usually really good at hiding those emotions and keeping it behind my closed bedroom door. I typically do not like to cry in front of people and if I am mad I usually will keep it in so that the other person doesn't think poorly of me.
This week has been an emotional roller coaster for me and I just could not hide it from my boyfriend, even though I really wanted to.
Tuesday I cried hysterical in front of him. It was a rough night and I got into a fight with a friend who gets angry when she is drunk. We are no longer friends and that is exactly how I want it after the way she acted. The thing is she is really good friends with my boyfriend and I don't want to put him in the middle of it all. I guess cause the night was so stressful I couldn't hold it in anymore and in the middle of the night I was hysterical crying in his arms. The next day, I realized that he saw me probably at my worst and was terrified of what he thought of me.
Wednesday night he said he wasn't feeling good and cancelled our dinner plans and I was disappointed and still wondering if he thought I was a horrible person from the night before.
Thursday night was wonderful. We had a very nice evening and the next day I was extremely happy.
Friday nights are always our going out nights. So I was looking forward to going out after work and relaxing with my boyfriend with a few drinks to go along with it. Then he cancelled our plans again saying he was sick. He always goes out on a Friday night. So it left me very confused. It also made me question his feelings and why he is pushing me away at times. We had a talk about it and things are okay now. But I still wonder about it. Did he lie to me and go out without me?
See, I am used to liars. All my boyfriends were liars so I have trouble trusting people. I don't think that he would lie to me about that but who knows.
I know that I am thinking way too much into this and I am sure that we will see each other tonight and everything will be just fine. But this whole week reminds me that I am not good at relationships and I have to work very hard at this one. Cause this one is a keeper and I refuse to lose him.
I am an emotional person. I always have been. I am usually really good at hiding those emotions and keeping it behind my closed bedroom door. I typically do not like to cry in front of people and if I am mad I usually will keep it in so that the other person doesn't think poorly of me.
This week has been an emotional roller coaster for me and I just could not hide it from my boyfriend, even though I really wanted to.
Tuesday I cried hysterical in front of him. It was a rough night and I got into a fight with a friend who gets angry when she is drunk. We are no longer friends and that is exactly how I want it after the way she acted. The thing is she is really good friends with my boyfriend and I don't want to put him in the middle of it all. I guess cause the night was so stressful I couldn't hold it in anymore and in the middle of the night I was hysterical crying in his arms. The next day, I realized that he saw me probably at my worst and was terrified of what he thought of me.
Wednesday night he said he wasn't feeling good and cancelled our dinner plans and I was disappointed and still wondering if he thought I was a horrible person from the night before.
Thursday night was wonderful. We had a very nice evening and the next day I was extremely happy.
Friday nights are always our going out nights. So I was looking forward to going out after work and relaxing with my boyfriend with a few drinks to go along with it. Then he cancelled our plans again saying he was sick. He always goes out on a Friday night. So it left me very confused. It also made me question his feelings and why he is pushing me away at times. We had a talk about it and things are okay now. But I still wonder about it. Did he lie to me and go out without me?
See, I am used to liars. All my boyfriends were liars so I have trouble trusting people. I don't think that he would lie to me about that but who knows.
I know that I am thinking way too much into this and I am sure that we will see each other tonight and everything will be just fine. But this whole week reminds me that I am not good at relationships and I have to work very hard at this one. Cause this one is a keeper and I refuse to lose him.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Third Time Lucky
So, I have been in my new relationship for a half a month now. It is going wonderfully and I really enjoy spending time with him. We seem to be going in the right direction and I really like that. This is all new to me but so far I am enjoying it.
Nothing about him bothers me, but there are a few things about others that are annoying me.
I hate how others feel they need to take credit for our relationship when they had a VERY small part in getting us together. We met through a friend. He is a friend of one of my friends and we all went out for New Year's Eve. Well, my friend is now going around telling everyone that she "set us up" and if it weren't for her we wouldn't be together. True, if we both weren't friends with her we would have never met. But going around telling everyone that it is all because of you is a bit conceited.
I'm annoyed that when I go out with that same friend, all she does is gush all over us about how cute of a couple we are and actually says "awwwww." I am glad that she is happy for us but it gets very irritating to hear the gushing within a normal conversation. I also feel like she may be overcompensating since I know that she complains a bit to others about us. See, she and I used to be the single girls in the group. We would go out together and all the guys would flirt with her and not so much me. So for New Year's, I had one out of the four guys we were hanging out with flirting with me and it worked out! I am happy but I think she is missing her friends and also is seriously jealous of it.
I am still getting used to the "in-laws" and I am starting to get the feeling that his mom doesn't like me. He insists that she does but I still get that feeling. I think she feels that I will take her baby away from her, even though her baby is 31 years old. I am sure that it will all work out but it still bothers me a lot. I want her to like me but I am not willing to change myself for it. I have never really had good luck with boyfriend's moms before so I am hoping this one will be different. I can still work on it but the important part is my boyfriend likes having me around and I guess that is all that really matters.
I have been very happy. This is the happiest I have been in a very long time. I am thinking that this relationship will last a long time. I am hopeful for that anyway. There is something different about this relationship than any of my last ones. A good different. Maybe the third time is the charm.
Nothing about him bothers me, but there are a few things about others that are annoying me.
I hate how others feel they need to take credit for our relationship when they had a VERY small part in getting us together. We met through a friend. He is a friend of one of my friends and we all went out for New Year's Eve. Well, my friend is now going around telling everyone that she "set us up" and if it weren't for her we wouldn't be together. True, if we both weren't friends with her we would have never met. But going around telling everyone that it is all because of you is a bit conceited.
I'm annoyed that when I go out with that same friend, all she does is gush all over us about how cute of a couple we are and actually says "awwwww." I am glad that she is happy for us but it gets very irritating to hear the gushing within a normal conversation. I also feel like she may be overcompensating since I know that she complains a bit to others about us. See, she and I used to be the single girls in the group. We would go out together and all the guys would flirt with her and not so much me. So for New Year's, I had one out of the four guys we were hanging out with flirting with me and it worked out! I am happy but I think she is missing her friends and also is seriously jealous of it.
I am still getting used to the "in-laws" and I am starting to get the feeling that his mom doesn't like me. He insists that she does but I still get that feeling. I think she feels that I will take her baby away from her, even though her baby is 31 years old. I am sure that it will all work out but it still bothers me a lot. I want her to like me but I am not willing to change myself for it. I have never really had good luck with boyfriend's moms before so I am hoping this one will be different. I can still work on it but the important part is my boyfriend likes having me around and I guess that is all that really matters.
I have been very happy. This is the happiest I have been in a very long time. I am thinking that this relationship will last a long time. I am hopeful for that anyway. There is something different about this relationship than any of my last ones. A good different. Maybe the third time is the charm.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year!
I will be ringing in the new year with the people who got me through the year...my friends. These are friends that I just met this year through dance class, but I already know that these are people that I want in my life.
So we single people will be hanging out together when the ball drops.
There will be no kiss at the stroke of midnight for me, but there will be lots of friendly hugs and love.
I will be ringing in the new year with the people who got me through the year...my friends. These are friends that I just met this year through dance class, but I already know that these are people that I want in my life.
So we single people will be hanging out together when the ball drops.
There will be no kiss at the stroke of midnight for me, but there will be lots of friendly hugs and love.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Using Sarcasm as a Shield
Whenever my friends come to town, it's exciting. I can't wait to see them and hang out like we did back in high school, which usually brings us to a diner, a bowling alley and talking in the parking lot for hours. This Christmas was no different. My usual high school friends and I found ourselves splitting appetizers at the diner, bowling a few games at the local alley and hanging out in the parking lot because we don't want the night to end.
It makes me happy to see them and brings back old memories. But it also saddens me. It reminds me that I don't have everything that I want and a lot of times I find myself being jealous of my married friends and realizing that they are WAY more successful than I am in so many different ways.
I already feel like that on the inside, so I really don't need a friend saying those sentiments out loud. I got the impression that they think that I am stupid, making comments about how I get lost in my own town and that I couldn't do the math of what change I should get back after buying a drink. At the end of the night, my one friend was talking about how her sister is such a loser cause she still lives with her parents and hasn't made anything of her life. She described my life. I still live with my Mom (even though I really don't want to be) and I am in the same industry as her sister works in. I was hurt. I joked back with sarcastic comments but inside I wanted to cry. Is this what they think of me?
As much as I love spending time with them, it also reminds me of a life that could have been mine. It could have been me that was married with two kids. And I try not to think about the decisions I made or regrets that I have but it is hard when you are spending a few hours with a constant reminder of what could have been.
It's hard. I don't have many friends that live local, so I cherish the times with the friends of my past. But as I get older and more time goes by, it's getting harder and harder to hang out because of how I feel afterwards.
I don't know if I can do this for years to come, as much as I want to. It's just getting hard.
It makes me happy to see them and brings back old memories. But it also saddens me. It reminds me that I don't have everything that I want and a lot of times I find myself being jealous of my married friends and realizing that they are WAY more successful than I am in so many different ways.
I already feel like that on the inside, so I really don't need a friend saying those sentiments out loud. I got the impression that they think that I am stupid, making comments about how I get lost in my own town and that I couldn't do the math of what change I should get back after buying a drink. At the end of the night, my one friend was talking about how her sister is such a loser cause she still lives with her parents and hasn't made anything of her life. She described my life. I still live with my Mom (even though I really don't want to be) and I am in the same industry as her sister works in. I was hurt. I joked back with sarcastic comments but inside I wanted to cry. Is this what they think of me?
As much as I love spending time with them, it also reminds me of a life that could have been mine. It could have been me that was married with two kids. And I try not to think about the decisions I made or regrets that I have but it is hard when you are spending a few hours with a constant reminder of what could have been.
It's hard. I don't have many friends that live local, so I cherish the times with the friends of my past. But as I get older and more time goes by, it's getting harder and harder to hang out because of how I feel afterwards.
I don't know if I can do this for years to come, as much as I want to. It's just getting hard.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
You've Got Mail
I miss my friends. I miss the friends that I haven't seen since high school. I miss the friends that I haven't seen in a few months. I miss the friends that I haven't seen in a few weeks. I just miss my friends.
Since I have been home with vertigo, I haven't seen some of my daily work friends and I haven't seen some of my weekly dance friends. I have been alone in my house for most of the day. Being by myself most of the time has given me some time to keep in touch via the internet with some friends that I haven't seen or heard from in years.
Through the magic of Facebook and MySpace I have reconnected with some that I've lost track of 10 years ago. It's interesting to learn what people are doing, where people are located and what all has happened since college and high school. I enjoy learning about how the teenage high schoolers have turned into smart, interesting and lovely adults.
Everyone is so successful. Most are married. Some have children and all have great jobs. Everyone is living out on their own (and not with their mothers like I do sadly) and everyone seems so happy. I don't have much. I am a single girl with no children and my job isn't that great. I sometimes feel like I haven't grown as much as my friends and that sometimes leaves me with nothing to add to conversations. I often feel left out.
So I try to find common ground. Usually, its being single. I have a few friends that are single like me. I have one friend in particular that talking about single life is exactly how we reconnected. After all the single advice and conversations about dating, now we talk about anything....politics, dancing, work, life in general. It really makes me wish that we were better friends in high school and that we kept in touch over the years. I know that we were all different in high school and maybe that is why we weren't close back then. You know what it doesn't matter. What matters is that we are friends now. I look forward to my daily emails and enjoy talking to him.
What I wonder about all my reconnected friends is how long it will last. Are people just being friendly? Who knows. I guess I should just be happy and live for now. I'm glad that I've reconnected. Now I'm gonna go check if my inbox has new messages.
Since I have been home with vertigo, I haven't seen some of my daily work friends and I haven't seen some of my weekly dance friends. I have been alone in my house for most of the day. Being by myself most of the time has given me some time to keep in touch via the internet with some friends that I haven't seen or heard from in years.
Through the magic of Facebook and MySpace I have reconnected with some that I've lost track of 10 years ago. It's interesting to learn what people are doing, where people are located and what all has happened since college and high school. I enjoy learning about how the teenage high schoolers have turned into smart, interesting and lovely adults.
Everyone is so successful. Most are married. Some have children and all have great jobs. Everyone is living out on their own (and not with their mothers like I do sadly) and everyone seems so happy. I don't have much. I am a single girl with no children and my job isn't that great. I sometimes feel like I haven't grown as much as my friends and that sometimes leaves me with nothing to add to conversations. I often feel left out.
So I try to find common ground. Usually, its being single. I have a few friends that are single like me. I have one friend in particular that talking about single life is exactly how we reconnected. After all the single advice and conversations about dating, now we talk about anything....politics, dancing, work, life in general. It really makes me wish that we were better friends in high school and that we kept in touch over the years. I know that we were all different in high school and maybe that is why we weren't close back then. You know what it doesn't matter. What matters is that we are friends now. I look forward to my daily emails and enjoy talking to him.
What I wonder about all my reconnected friends is how long it will last. Are people just being friendly? Who knows. I guess I should just be happy and live for now. I'm glad that I've reconnected. Now I'm gonna go check if my inbox has new messages.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Engagement Envy
So, two of my friends this week got engaged (or are about to) and are buzzing with excitement as they should be. I am happy for them. They are both about to marry wonderful guys who treat them well and will live happily ever after.
Blah, blah, blah.
Yes I am happy for them. Really I am. But I started to notice just a little, itty bitty bit of jealousy starting to creep in.
See, my one friend, A, never had a boyfriend that lasted more than two weeks until this guy came along. And I am happy for her. But in college, she would find a guy and date him and break up with him for meaningless reasons like he didn't like to eat pancakes or he ate crackers in her bed. So needless to say we never thought that A would find a man that was worthy of her. She has high standards and this is not at all a bad thing. In fact, sometimes I wish I was as picky as she is, then maybe I wouldn't have moved to Maryland for a guy so quickly and therefore lost two years of my life. Anyway, in college, I was the opposite. I didn't have many boyfriends, but I could keep a man for a long term relationship. That is all I really have had is the long term relationship...its the short term dating that I have a problem with. I was willing to give a guy a chance and would accept his flaws and uniqueness, which is something A could not do.
Well, she found a man that she accepts. Fully accepts. Accepts his flaws and loves his unique qualities. This is HUGE growth for A and I am proud of her.
But I can't help but be jealous. No one thought that A would be the one to get married first. It's wonderful. It's great. It's exciting. I'm jealous.
Now that A is getting married, I will be the ONLY single girl out of all my friends. I will no longer have A to talk to for single girl advice and gripes. I will no longer be able to hang out with A for single girl fun. She will be just like the rest of them, living in suburbia with hubby, a house with a white-picket fence and a family to start. And leaving me alone. Now no matter who I hang out with of all of my friends, I will be the third wheel. I will be the only one unmarried and without children. I'm sad, depressed, jealous. I know I shouldn't be, but I can't help but be thinking about what could have been in my life.
I know that I am not the only single person in the world. But singles in MY world are becoming few and far between and I am having trouble accepting my role as the ONLY single girl in my group. With time, I will get used to it, I'm sure or I could be hopeful that one day it will be my day to announce my engagement, I just don't want to get my hopes up.
Blah, blah, blah.
Yes I am happy for them. Really I am. But I started to notice just a little, itty bitty bit of jealousy starting to creep in.
See, my one friend, A, never had a boyfriend that lasted more than two weeks until this guy came along. And I am happy for her. But in college, she would find a guy and date him and break up with him for meaningless reasons like he didn't like to eat pancakes or he ate crackers in her bed. So needless to say we never thought that A would find a man that was worthy of her. She has high standards and this is not at all a bad thing. In fact, sometimes I wish I was as picky as she is, then maybe I wouldn't have moved to Maryland for a guy so quickly and therefore lost two years of my life. Anyway, in college, I was the opposite. I didn't have many boyfriends, but I could keep a man for a long term relationship. That is all I really have had is the long term relationship...its the short term dating that I have a problem with. I was willing to give a guy a chance and would accept his flaws and uniqueness, which is something A could not do.
Well, she found a man that she accepts. Fully accepts. Accepts his flaws and loves his unique qualities. This is HUGE growth for A and I am proud of her.
But I can't help but be jealous. No one thought that A would be the one to get married first. It's wonderful. It's great. It's exciting. I'm jealous.
Now that A is getting married, I will be the ONLY single girl out of all my friends. I will no longer have A to talk to for single girl advice and gripes. I will no longer be able to hang out with A for single girl fun. She will be just like the rest of them, living in suburbia with hubby, a house with a white-picket fence and a family to start. And leaving me alone. Now no matter who I hang out with of all of my friends, I will be the third wheel. I will be the only one unmarried and without children. I'm sad, depressed, jealous. I know I shouldn't be, but I can't help but be thinking about what could have been in my life.
I know that I am not the only single person in the world. But singles in MY world are becoming few and far between and I am having trouble accepting my role as the ONLY single girl in my group. With time, I will get used to it, I'm sure or I could be hopeful that one day it will be my day to announce my engagement, I just don't want to get my hopes up.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Accomplishment
One of my friends just emailed me for advice. He was saying that he feels unaccomplished around other friends when he has to tell them that his long term relationship has ended. He feels like he has wasted seven years of his life.
Why is it that one can only have a good life if they are in a relationship or are married? Like a single person doesn't have other things in life to be proud of. Just cause we aren't in a relationship doesn't mean we haven't accomplished other things.
I know that breaking up can totally suck...been there done that. But sometimes breaking up and surviving it is the biggest accomplishment one can make. If you can survive heartbreak and move on and make it, then you can survive anything. Surviving a break up teaches you. You learn who you are (and who you're not), what to do and not do in the next relationship, who you are looking for as a partner and how to deal with life when it throws you a curve ball. If you ask me, those who have been through heartbreak have accomplished more than those who have never experienced it.
And to my friend who emailed me, if you are reading this and I hope you are, I AM PROUD OF YOU!
Why is it that one can only have a good life if they are in a relationship or are married? Like a single person doesn't have other things in life to be proud of. Just cause we aren't in a relationship doesn't mean we haven't accomplished other things.
I know that breaking up can totally suck...been there done that. But sometimes breaking up and surviving it is the biggest accomplishment one can make. If you can survive heartbreak and move on and make it, then you can survive anything. Surviving a break up teaches you. You learn who you are (and who you're not), what to do and not do in the next relationship, who you are looking for as a partner and how to deal with life when it throws you a curve ball. If you ask me, those who have been through heartbreak have accomplished more than those who have never experienced it.
And to my friend who emailed me, if you are reading this and I hope you are, I AM PROUD OF YOU!
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Good at Friendship, Bad at Relationships
I have made a friend, a guy friend that I talk to often. I admit that the reason why I wanted to even talk to the guy at first was to date him, but after months of talking and hanging out, I get the feeling that he only wants to be friends. We are VERY flirty with each other, so I am not really sure what he is thinking and I sure as hell am not going to come out and ask him. I have accepted that we are friends and maybe eventually it will lead to something more.
I know that he cares a good bit about me. I haven't been feeling well and he calls or texts daily to make sure that I am okay. And he catches me when I am dizzy and about to pass out. Best of all, he is understanding and patient with me through it all...I know a perfect catch, right?
Too bad he just wants to be friends. Is he just scared to get into a relationship? Does he have feelings for me but the timing is wrong? I value his friendship, so I don't want to screw it up. Is it true? Am I good at friendship but bad at relationships?
I know that he cares a good bit about me. I haven't been feeling well and he calls or texts daily to make sure that I am okay. And he catches me when I am dizzy and about to pass out. Best of all, he is understanding and patient with me through it all...I know a perfect catch, right?
Too bad he just wants to be friends. Is he just scared to get into a relationship? Does he have feelings for me but the timing is wrong? I value his friendship, so I don't want to screw it up. Is it true? Am I good at friendship but bad at relationships?
Friday, August 1, 2008
Lost Opportunity
So, there is this guy that I am interested from dance class. We talk a lot while at dance class and we are often partnered up for such classes. We enjoy dancing with each other.
I have a little crush on this guy, but who knows if he actually is interested in me. During the last class he made some comments like "You can't have her, she's mine" and grabbed my hand when another guy wanted to partner with me. When he danced with another single girl that night so she wouldn't have to dance alone, he looked at me when he danced by and he jokingly said "Are you jealous that I have to dance with another girl?" I joked back "Totally, didn't you see me giving you the evil eye?" We tease and laugh with each other alot. Its hard to say whether he is just the class clown or if its some playful flirting.
Through a conversation we had, I learned what restaurant he works at. So, one day, I decide to go there for a quick lunch, with the full intention being to bump into him and talk. So I get there and I see him in the middle of the restaurant but I pretend to not notice him. I was shaking and nervous and didn't know if he would even care that a girl from dance class was there to eat lunch. So, I sit down and get my lunch. For the whole time I'm there I am just trying to get the nerve up to say "Hi". I finish eating and went to use the rest room. I am still trying to gain the courage to talk to the guy. I walk out and head to the door. And there he is walking right in front of me. Here's my chance. But do I take it....no .....I walk right out the door, to my car and drive right back to work, totally regretting that I didn't say anything to him...after all that was the point of going there.
Is something wrong with me? Why do I not have the confidence to say hi to someone I am interested in? It is for this reason that I will remain single forever.
I really kinda let myself down. I hope I can regain confidence before seeing him at dance class again.
I have a little crush on this guy, but who knows if he actually is interested in me. During the last class he made some comments like "You can't have her, she's mine" and grabbed my hand when another guy wanted to partner with me. When he danced with another single girl that night so she wouldn't have to dance alone, he looked at me when he danced by and he jokingly said "Are you jealous that I have to dance with another girl?" I joked back "Totally, didn't you see me giving you the evil eye?" We tease and laugh with each other alot. Its hard to say whether he is just the class clown or if its some playful flirting.
Through a conversation we had, I learned what restaurant he works at. So, one day, I decide to go there for a quick lunch, with the full intention being to bump into him and talk. So I get there and I see him in the middle of the restaurant but I pretend to not notice him. I was shaking and nervous and didn't know if he would even care that a girl from dance class was there to eat lunch. So, I sit down and get my lunch. For the whole time I'm there I am just trying to get the nerve up to say "Hi". I finish eating and went to use the rest room. I am still trying to gain the courage to talk to the guy. I walk out and head to the door. And there he is walking right in front of me. Here's my chance. But do I take it....no .....I walk right out the door, to my car and drive right back to work, totally regretting that I didn't say anything to him...after all that was the point of going there.
Is something wrong with me? Why do I not have the confidence to say hi to someone I am interested in? It is for this reason that I will remain single forever.
I really kinda let myself down. I hope I can regain confidence before seeing him at dance class again.
Friday, April 11, 2008
My Twinkie
I have a friend named Angie. She is someone I met in college while living in the dorms. We have grown to be great friends, sisters really. I call her my "twinkie" cause when we were in college people used to think that we were twins. We kinda look alike and were ALWAYS hanging out together. We could look at each other and know what the other was thinking (this has freaked out several of Angie's dates...our non-verbal communication skills are unmatched!)
I love this girl. She is my sister. She is my twin. She is always there for me no matter what, even if this means that she drives from Ohio getting two speeding tickets in the process because she knew I needed her to be there for me. When I am sad or depressed, Angie always knows the right things to say (or not to say). I know that she will love me no matter what and not judge me. It is unconditional love....like a twin would have for her sister.
My point in writing this is that all one needs are great friends to get by. Recently, when I was upset and missing my ex, Angie knew what I needed...someone to listen and to share advice and to get my mind off of it by making me smile.
I can't imagine life without my friends, no matter how far away they are in distance, they remain close to me in my heart.
Thanks Twinkie for all that you do! I love you!
I love this girl. She is my sister. She is my twin. She is always there for me no matter what, even if this means that she drives from Ohio getting two speeding tickets in the process because she knew I needed her to be there for me. When I am sad or depressed, Angie always knows the right things to say (or not to say). I know that she will love me no matter what and not judge me. It is unconditional love....like a twin would have for her sister.
My point in writing this is that all one needs are great friends to get by. Recently, when I was upset and missing my ex, Angie knew what I needed...someone to listen and to share advice and to get my mind off of it by making me smile.
I can't imagine life without my friends, no matter how far away they are in distance, they remain close to me in my heart.
Thanks Twinkie for all that you do! I love you!
Monday, March 10, 2008
A Friend's Love
The past few days I have been a little depressed. Not hysterically sad or crying, just a little down, a little blue. I haven't been acting like my happy self.
I went to work and thought that it would be the worst days ever. Slow moving, sad, crying at any moment days. But that wasn't the case. I had the greatest days I have ever had a work. I am surrounded by supportive, caring people who show me love everyday.
And then I realized. That is all that is important. Not necessarily love from a boyfriend or beau, but love from a friend. A friend's love is unconditional. A friend's love is forever. A friend's love is all I need.
I went to work and thought that it would be the worst days ever. Slow moving, sad, crying at any moment days. But that wasn't the case. I had the greatest days I have ever had a work. I am surrounded by supportive, caring people who show me love everyday.
And then I realized. That is all that is important. Not necessarily love from a boyfriend or beau, but love from a friend. A friend's love is unconditional. A friend's love is forever. A friend's love is all I need.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Adult Definition
I recently got into an argument with a former friend. We were slinging things back and forth to each other. Then she said, "I don't expect you to understand, I have a mortgage, children, a house and a business to run. Grown up problems that are for grown ups. " I'm sorry. Am I a child that wouldn't understand these "grown up problems?" And just because I don't have a husband or children that doesn't mean that I am not an adult. I am 28 years old and have bills, payments, loans, a career....that all sounds grown up to me. I may not have children but that doesn't mean I haven't grown up.
I know that she said that in the heat of the argument, but why is that always the point that is brought up. I may not understand what it means to be a mother but I still have issues of my own that are very adult.
To society, will I never be an adult unless I am married with children?
I know that she said that in the heat of the argument, but why is that always the point that is brought up. I may not understand what it means to be a mother but I still have issues of my own that are very adult.
To society, will I never be an adult unless I am married with children?
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride
Well, here I am, sitting home alone on a Friday night. No date. No friends. Just me with my dog. On a Friday night. Every Friday night.
What has become of my life? I used to have friends that I would hang out with all weekend long. Now, all of those friends are married with children and don't have time to hang out with someone as pitiful and single as me. They do their couples thing...and have told me that they don't want me to feel left out so they don't invite me. When has being single mean that I am totally outcast from society like I am quarantined with some horrible disease?
All of my friends have been married for years. I have been to all their weddings, bridal showers and bachelorette parties and have been a good sport about it. Not once did I complain when I had to wear the ugly bridesmaids dresses. Nor did I complain when I had to plan the damn showers that I hate to attend. No, I was a good friend, who stood by the bride and supported her through the stress of planning a wedding. When they were starting their families, I was a sounding board for the names of their children and a babysitter so that they could still have couple time. Now, I need their friendship and because I am not married I get nothing. Since when does the support of a friend depend upon your marital status?
So, here is what I get for being the supportive friend....loneliness on a Friday night. Gee...thanks.
What has become of my life? I used to have friends that I would hang out with all weekend long. Now, all of those friends are married with children and don't have time to hang out with someone as pitiful and single as me. They do their couples thing...and have told me that they don't want me to feel left out so they don't invite me. When has being single mean that I am totally outcast from society like I am quarantined with some horrible disease?
All of my friends have been married for years. I have been to all their weddings, bridal showers and bachelorette parties and have been a good sport about it. Not once did I complain when I had to wear the ugly bridesmaids dresses. Nor did I complain when I had to plan the damn showers that I hate to attend. No, I was a good friend, who stood by the bride and supported her through the stress of planning a wedding. When they were starting their families, I was a sounding board for the names of their children and a babysitter so that they could still have couple time. Now, I need their friendship and because I am not married I get nothing. Since when does the support of a friend depend upon your marital status?
So, here is what I get for being the supportive friend....loneliness on a Friday night. Gee...thanks.
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