Using Sarcasm as a Shield

Whenever my friends come to town, it's exciting. I can't wait to see them and hang out like we did back in high school, which usually brings us to a diner, a bowling alley and talking in the parking lot for hours. This Christmas was no different. My usual high school friends and I found ourselves splitting appetizers at the diner, bowling a few games at the local alley and hanging out in the parking lot because we don't want the night to end.

It makes me happy to see them and brings back old memories. But it also saddens me. It reminds me that I don't have everything that I want and a lot of times I find myself being jealous of my married friends and realizing that they are WAY more successful than I am in so many different ways.

I already feel like that on the inside, so I really don't need a friend saying those sentiments out loud. I got the impression that they think that I am stupid, making comments about how I get lost in my own town and that I couldn't do the math of what change I should get back after buying a drink. At the end of the night, my one friend was talking about how her sister is such a loser cause she still lives with her parents and hasn't made anything of her life. She described my life. I still live with my Mom (even though I really don't want to be) and I am in the same industry as her sister works in. I was hurt. I joked back with sarcastic comments but inside I wanted to cry. Is this what they think of me?

As much as I love spending time with them, it also reminds me of a life that could have been mine. It could have been me that was married with two kids. And I try not to think about the decisions I made or regrets that I have but it is hard when you are spending a few hours with a constant reminder of what could have been.

It's hard. I don't have many friends that live local, so I cherish the times with the friends of my past. But as I get older and more time goes by, it's getting harder and harder to hang out because of how I feel afterwards.

I don't know if I can do this for years to come, as much as I want to. It's just getting hard.