Photographs

I have had two days to think after the wedding and four days to think after Thanksgiving and I'm not happy. I would say I am sad and depressed after having time to process the events.

Thanksgiving was held at my brother's place this year. Usually, my Mom would cook and we would all hang out together watching football and eating. My brother just moved into a new apartment a month ago to live with his girlfriend. I am happy for them but also insanely jealous. It also reminded me of the times when I lived with my boyfriend and made me sad that I have lost that.

My Mom has a tradition. She takes a picture of her children in front of the turkey before it is carved. It used to be of me, my sister and my brother. Then my sister moved out and it was just of me and my brother. Last year it was of me and my brother and my dog (who was staring at the turkey ready to devour it...very funny pic). This year, my Mom took a picture of my brother and his girlfriend in front of the turkey. I wasn't asked to be in the picture at all.

My Mom is obsessed with taking pictures. When we went to the wedding, she took a lot of pictures. My brother was in the wedding party, so of course, she took lots of pictures of him in his tux and at the ceremony. She took lots of pictures of him dancing with his girlfriend at the wedding and lots of pictures of him sitting at the table talking with his girlfriend. She didn't take one picture of me.

I know that at my age I shouldn't be jealous of my brother getting more attention from my Mom. But I can't help but wonder if my Mom thinks I am a failure. The whole time at the wedding she kept talking to me about how I didn't have a boyfriend. And when others at our table asked about my date, she said, "Oh, he couldn't make it. He had to work." Is she embarrassed by me? Why did she have to cover up the fact that I came to the wedding alone?

I have always felt like I kinda failed at life. I think that since I was a child I was told that I will grow up, get married and have a family. Now that I don't have that, did I fail? I certainly am made to feel like I did. How does one measure success in their life when they don't have much in life to feel successful about? Am I a failure at life?