Smiling

I am in love with 2009.

This single girl is no longer single! It's exciting and happy and also a bit scary. But overall happy.

I met someone on New Year's Eve and since then I have been the happiest I have been in years. We have seen each other every day since the Eve. I could talk to him for hours and I love the way he makes me laugh and smile. He tells the greatest stories. He is very attentive and loving.


Since we met, its been a whirlwind. I have already met his parents and he has met my family. We've slept over each others houses and things seem to be progressing fast but also slow. And I like that.

The whole thing makes me a little nervous. It has been a long time since I have been in a relationship and I am so used to being single that this is a big change. A good change, but still a big one. I am also afraid of messing this up some how. I have a tendency to mess good things up and I definitely don't want to lose this.

I am very hopeful about this. So far things have been great, although it has only been like 5 or 6 days but still I am in love with 2009 and I hope this feeling never ends. I am still smiling :)

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

I will be ringing in the new year with the people who got me through the year...my friends. These are friends that I just met this year through dance class, but I already know that these are people that I want in my life.

So we single people will be hanging out together when the ball drops.

There will be no kiss at the stroke of midnight for me, but there will be lots of friendly hugs and love.

Love Being Single

Being single doesn't mean I have to have a downer of a Christmas. Here are some of the reasons why I am happy to be single during the holidays.

1) I can spend my money how I want to. Which means that I can get my family and friends special gifts and even buy myself something a little something. And if I want to splurge on extra gifts for my dog, no one is going to criticize me for it.

2) I can spend my time how I wish. Which means I can go to any holiday party I want to and I don't have to drag someone with me who doesn't want to go. I can also spend all my time with my family and friends on the holiday. I won't have to split time between families or spend time with in-laws that I really don't like. I also won't have to spend hours at the mall trying to find the perfect gift. And it does take hours, sometimes more, because I am a horrible gift giver. And this way, all my thoughts can be put to thinking up gifts for my loved ones and not for a boyfriend.

3) I have the right to flirt. At said holiday parties, I won't have to stick like glue to someone who doesn't know anyone there. I can mingle. And most of all, I can flirt. With anyone and everyone if I want to and not feel at all guilty. I can (and most likely will) flirt with every hottie there and not even care what the outcome will be. I will make it my goal to be THE girl at the party instead of just a girl at the party.

4) Being unmarried means that I will get gifts that are meant for me, and not for the house or the couple. Which means instead of getting towels or an appliance for Christmas, I will be unwrapping a sweater or shoes (and we all know how I LOVE shoes!)

5) I have the right to be selfish if I want to be. Which means if I want something for myself I can make it happen. I can buy myself extra gifts with the money I saved from not buying that gift for the boyfriend (Hello new ballroom dancing shoes!) All my goals for 2009 can be completely about me and not satisfying a significant other. Which means I can go back to school or find a new job or dedicate my free time to a hobby of mine. And I do plan on doing all of that and more because I can!

Would it be nice to have someone to kiss under the mistletoe? Of course. But I won't let that put a damper on my holiday. Maybe I can kiss several guys, who knows. The possibilities are endless.

Happy Holidays! Enjoy!

Too Much Thinking

Sometimes in moments of poor judgment or perhaps of pure sadness, I find myself wishing things were different and that I didn't break up with him. That last about a 20 seconds and then I remember all the crappy things he did while we were together and I become thankful that I got out.

It's like he didn't care for me. Like how he had me move in with him, even though it was 4 hours from my home and I did it. I sacrificed and I made the move. I thought it would make me happy too. But as I sat alone in the apartment crying that first night, I realized that maybe it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. He said that when I arrived he would leave work early so we could have our first meal together. I should have realized what the relationship was going to be like when he didn't leave work until 9 when he could have left at 5. I cried that whole night. I should have came home the next day.

Instead, I stayed for two more years. And it never got better. He was never home. He worked a lot and even when he could come home early, he didn't. Who knows what he was doing. I was left isolated in a place I wasn't familiar with and had no friends there. On the weekends, I wanted to spend it with him. I would plan dates and activities to do. And he would never want to go. He would rather have slept or sat on the couch. I was disappointed...and bored.

I remember when he said that he would go with me to get my dog's pictures taken with Santa. I waited all day and was so excited. It was Randy's first Christmas since I adopted him and I really wanted to go as a family to get the picture done. When he got home, he had totally forgotten that we were supposed to go. When I reminded him, he said he was too tired to go. I ran upstairs and cried for 2 hours. Then after I decided to take Randy myself. He came only cause he felt bad, but complained about it. I think he came cause I took control of the situation and was going to go by myself. He wanted me to stay home, I refused so he came but I don't know exactly why.

I sat in that apartment, day after day, hour after hour. Alone. Just me and the dog. He would accept new hours that would cause him to work until midnight. He kept saying that he would look for another job, but he never did. We never spent time together. I tried, but I don't think he wanted too. It doesn't surprise me that our relationship didn't last.

But even though I knew it was coming, it was still a shock to me when he told me one night that he decided to move back in with his parents. He kept saying it was because I wanted to come back to Jersey, but that's not the case. If I knew it could have worked out there I would have tried to make it work. But he was already gone. He decided without even discussing it with me, that he was going to move back home to his parents, even though he hadn't lived with them since high school. Sign of a desperate man, I suppose. I knew it was coming, but I still cried for days. I was in a really low place. How could he do that to me? He didn't care.

I tried hard to make a good home for him. I cleaned the house and made dinner for him. I don't know if he ever appreciated it. I don't know if he ever cared. Maybe it wasn't good enough for him.

Bottom line is that he didn't love me the way that I deserve to be loved. And I tried to love him but he didn't want that. Then by the time he wanted it, I already fell out of love with him and grew more and more frustrated with him.

I say that I am over him, but the truth is I don't know if I could trust another man. I guess I have tried to learn from my mistakes. I am definitely more cautious, but am I too cautious? And maybe I don't deserve the love that I think I deserve. No, that's not true. I deserve love. Everyone does. But will I ever find it? What if the next guy doesn't think its good enough either? I'm scared. I try to remain hopeful but deep down I am frightened. What if it's me? What if I am not capable of being the girlfriend? Great at friendship, bad at relationships.

Don't get the wrong idea and think that I want him back. I don't. I just don't understand some things. And some things you never get over. Most things you learn from and move on. I'm confused. I did everything I could in that relationship to make it work, but it still didn't last. So, if I gave it my all last time, who's to say that the next time, no matter how hard I try, that it will fail again. I know there is no formula for success or for love but how long do I have to wait?

Everyone tells me that once you find the one that you are meant to be with that it all falls into place. It will work out no matter what because that is what true love is.

I want that feeling...true love. I want to know what that feels like. I bet it's amazing.

(Damn, the holidays. Making me think again)

This Christmas

Today I got out my box of Christmas items that I accumulated while I lived with my now ex-boyfriend. There are some things in there that are just regular Christmas ornaments. Then there are other things that have special meaning and I will never be able to use again cause they remind me of him.

It has left me feeling a little sad. Like something is missing. That's been happening a lot lately. My brother moving into his own place has left me jealous and reminiscing. And now with the holidays...I don't know if I am going to get out of this funk.

Last year was my first Christmas back home after the break up and I was a little sad but also thankful to be back home. This year I am a little sad but I think it is for a different reason. I am jealous and a bit upset, but I certainly don't miss the ex-boyfriend. I am just sad that I haven't found love again. I guess I thought it would happen by now. I have been single for a year and half now and I was hopeful that by the second Christmas home that I would have someone to share it with. And since I don't, I just was wondering if I ever will find that person. Will I find him by next Christmas? I don't want just anybody, this time I hope he is "the one". But Santa, could you please bring him soon? I'm losing hope.

Type Casting

There are a few types of guys in a single girls life. Some are date-able, some we pine over and others we avoid at all costs.

There's the guy you want but can't have. You flirt with him, you exchange looks with him, you joke and laugh with him, you talk with him often but for some reason or another he is unavailable to you. Maybe he has a girlfriend of his own. Maybe he is unattainable because of the position he is in. But he is off the date potential list for some reason. Sometimes as a single girl, you let this man out of your mind and other times you make a game out of flirting with him. But always know that he will never be your boyfriend, so that is all it is....a game.

Then there is the guy who thinks of you only as a friend. He hangs out with you, calls you, texts you, talks to you but that is as far as it will ever go. Even if you want it to go further, it never will. He just wants you as a friend for whatever reason. The more you try to date him, the further he pushes you away, so eventually you give up and accept that he is your acquaintance, but really you are hoping that he will change his mind one day and fall head over heels for you.

There is the guy who you think of as only a friend. He is a nice guy. You know he is a good person and probably would make a great boyfriend but for some reason you just aren't attracted to him. It's confusing to a single girl because he is a great catch. It would make sense to want this guy with the kind personality who is super polite and opens doors for you but you just aren't attracted to him and have no explanation for it.

Then there is the guy who you avoid at all costs. He thinks he is God's gift to women and is only after you for the sex. He has confidence in some things but not in everything. He will flirt with every girl in the place in hopes that one of them accepts his offer. He may be the desperate one. He may be the cocky one. All you know is that he is the one that you can't stand to be around. You try to become suddenly busy when he walks in the room. Your statements are short with him in hopes that he loses interest in the conversation. Sometimes you don't even know why you hate him, but you do and you can't wait until he walks away and leaves you alone.

Then there is the guy who walks into your life and changes it. You may not like him when you first meet him or you may want him as soon as you lay eyes on him but one day you'll realize that you can't live without him. That is the man of your dreams, the love of your life. And we all hope that someday we will meet that special person that will change our life for the better.

Diagnose

I've been really down this past week. It probably has been brewing for a while but I'm definitely feeling it the past few days.

As you know, I haven't been feeling well for over a month. I put my trust in doctors and I have pretty good ones. But I have lost my faith in them a bit. After feeling like crap since August, they still don't know what is wrong. And now my symptoms are changing. It used to just be dizziness so they diagnosed me with vertigo. Now, I am so tired that I am sleeping over 11 hours a night and still not waking up feeling rested. What is going on with my body? I am frustrated, tired, and scared and no one is helping. The doctors don't know what is wrong or how to treat. My mom keeps pushing me to go back to work and I feel like I lost some of the new local friends I made before the sickness. I have been home with little social interaction for 6 weeks now. I just want to feel back to normal.

Feeling sick is enough to put someone into a funk. Being isolated and disconnected from the world can push someone into a depression.

And then there is jealousy.

My brother moved into a new apartment a few weeks ago and I am COMPLETELY jealous. I want nothing more than to move out of my Mom's house and into a place all my own. Oooooh...my own place...privacy...quiet...being able to walk around naked. It is a dream of mine. One that will never come true. But my brother is living my dream. His place is beautiful and it reminds me of the times I was out living life on my own. I am jealous. And the jealousy has made me a little depressed.

The holidays are coming up. It's the most wonderful time of the year. I want it to be a happy holiday. I know that it won't be for my family. It will be the first Christmas without my Dad. Is it wrong of me to want a happy holiday when my family will be sad about the loss of my Dad? I feel like it is wrong for even wanting to celebrate it. But I want to...I want to celebrate it and be happy and go shopping and decorate and enjoy the most wonderful time of the year without feeling guilty about it. I don't think that is going to happen this year and it makes me sad that I have to pretend to be sadder than I really am because my family is in a down period.

What do I need to do to get out of this funk? :(

Photographs

I have had two days to think after the wedding and four days to think after Thanksgiving and I'm not happy. I would say I am sad and depressed after having time to process the events.

Thanksgiving was held at my brother's place this year. Usually, my Mom would cook and we would all hang out together watching football and eating. My brother just moved into a new apartment a month ago to live with his girlfriend. I am happy for them but also insanely jealous. It also reminded me of the times when I lived with my boyfriend and made me sad that I have lost that.

My Mom has a tradition. She takes a picture of her children in front of the turkey before it is carved. It used to be of me, my sister and my brother. Then my sister moved out and it was just of me and my brother. Last year it was of me and my brother and my dog (who was staring at the turkey ready to devour it...very funny pic). This year, my Mom took a picture of my brother and his girlfriend in front of the turkey. I wasn't asked to be in the picture at all.

My Mom is obsessed with taking pictures. When we went to the wedding, she took a lot of pictures. My brother was in the wedding party, so of course, she took lots of pictures of him in his tux and at the ceremony. She took lots of pictures of him dancing with his girlfriend at the wedding and lots of pictures of him sitting at the table talking with his girlfriend. She didn't take one picture of me.

I know that at my age I shouldn't be jealous of my brother getting more attention from my Mom. But I can't help but wonder if my Mom thinks I am a failure. The whole time at the wedding she kept talking to me about how I didn't have a boyfriend. And when others at our table asked about my date, she said, "Oh, he couldn't make it. He had to work." Is she embarrassed by me? Why did she have to cover up the fact that I came to the wedding alone?

I have always felt like I kinda failed at life. I think that since I was a child I was told that I will grow up, get married and have a family. Now that I don't have that, did I fail? I certainly am made to feel like I did. How does one measure success in their life when they don't have much in life to feel successful about? Am I a failure at life?

Going Single, Part 2

So my first wedding alone was not that bad. The ceremony was beautiful and touching. The bride and groom looked lovely and it really showed how much they love each other. It was really beautiful.

The reception was nice. Of course, I had to sit with my mom. At first it wasn't that bad. But by the end she was driving me nuts. She was attached to my hip and I couldn't even go to the bathroom alone....drove me crazy. She has no confidence in herself and wouldn't even go to get a soda by herself...she made my brother do it! It was really ridiculous.

Anyway, at first I was a little shy. I danced a little but not much. I found myself sitting at the table a lot. And there was a period of about forty-five minutes where I was really not having a good time. My mom was annoying me and I got a little sad that I didn't have anyone to share the day with. It also got me down watching all the couples dance to the slow songs.

That's when I realized that I have to make my own fun. If I wanted to have a good time, I was going to have to create it. So, I got up and danced. I even danced with people I never met. The DJ knew my name from a conversation I had with him at cocktail hour and he would get on the microphone and cheer my dancing on!! Then I started having a great time. I was smiling a lot, laughing a lot and enjoying my time there.

I realized that you can't let anyone hold you back from having a good time (even if it is your mother). You are in charge of your attitude. Make it a positive one. When I decided to have fun at this wedding, I did, but only cause I made sure that I did.

So it doesn't matter if you go to a wedding alone or with a date, it's your attitude that makes the difference.

(And hopefully at the next wedding, I won't have to sit next to my Mom)

Going Single, Part 1

So tomorrow is Ryan's wedding. Ryan is a family friend of ours and he is finally marrying Trish, after dating her for a year. I am proud and happy for him and can't wait for the wedding.

I am going dateless to this event. I invited my dancing friend to come but he has to work (or so he says) so I am going alone. I am a little worried but also looking forward to it at the same time.

I haven't gone to a wedding alone since 8th grade, so this is new to me. But I feel like an event like this may be a good place to meet a guy. I plan on looking fabulous. I have the perfect green sweater picked out that will fully accent my beautiful green eyes. I had my hair cut last week. I am wearing my black and white heels, that fit comfortably and look hot. Add makeup, smile, and lots of confidence and I am going to be THE girl to be with at the reception.

There is a snag to my whole plan of meeting someone and being all that I can be....My Mother. My mom is also invited to the wedding and is also going alone for the first time in over 30 years. She will want to hang out with me ALL day since she won't know many people there. She also has a way of knocking down my confidence and embarrassing me. Oh, and did I mention that she drives me CRAZY! I love her but she makes me go mad. She has no confidence in herself to mingle around and meet new people so she will be hanging by my side ALL night putting a damper on my plans.

And of course, as happy as I am for Ryan and Trish, I get a little depressed at a wedding or couples event like this. It just reminds me of what I had and what I lost and what I no longer have. And I often believe that I will never have all that....the wedding and fairy tail ending.

But I won't let that stop me. I will still go to this and have a great time. I'm going to dance my butt off and we'll see what happens.

I'll let you know how it turns out.

Confusion

Just when I thought I had it all figured out by keeping Dancing Dude on the back burner, he texted me today. I do have to say that I am not as interested in him after his month long hiatus from me.

I don't quite know what to say about it. He says he hasn't called, written or texted because he was busy. I feel like he only knows me when no one else is around. Then he texts today and is ultra flirty and cute. Confusing.

I am very skeptical of him. He makes plans with me and then ditches out. He promises and doesn't deliver. And to be honest, I deserve more than that because I am worth it. If he doesn't see it, that's his problem, his loss.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about myself, relationships, love (or in my case a lack of love) and I think I will remain hopeful but at the same time take a step back. I think I am going to stop looking for a little while. If someone special comes along, I am not going to push him away, but I guess I just want to be cautious. Maybe I am being too careful. I don't know. I don't know what to do anymore.

It's confusing, I am a very confident person but when it comes to dating and relationships I have no clue and lack confidence. After my last relationship, I don't trust my own decisions. I don't know what to do to regain the trust in myself...if it is even possible to do so.

I need help....lots and lots of help.

Memories

Last night, I started thinking about all the good memories I have from my last relationship. I do have some really nice memories with him. I started to miss him a little bit last night....then I remembered all the bad things and I realized I'm better off without him.

I don't miss him, I miss being loved and in love. I miss having someone to share things with. I miss having someone to cuddle with until I fall asleep. I miss having someone to bounce ideas off of. I miss having a partner to laugh with, to talk to, to dance with, to cry with. I missed being kissed and hugged. I miss the friendship and the companionship that we shared. I wonder if I'll ever have someone to share my life with again.

I'm usually accepting of my single self. But the last couple of days I've been down and pessimistic about it. I really am beginning to feel like I'm gonna be single forever. I really just want to be loved. I miss being loved .

And things lately seem backwards. Everyone keeps telling me how great I am but they won't date me. Guys want to be my friends but forget about being my boyfriend...thats out of the question for them. And my one and only single girlfriend, the one who I thought could never keep a boyfriend, is engaged to be married. What happened? Is is me? Is it them?

Is my prince charming out there? I want to make more memories.

My Priority

Since I have had vertigo, I have had LOTS of time at home to think about my current single status (among other things).

I have decided that I am going to put full effort into bettering myself. I want the best for me. I decided to go back to school for my Master's degree. It is something that I have put off for a while and I feel like now may be a good time to go for it. I am definitely at a point in my career that I want more and to do that I will need to further my education.

But not only that, I am just tired of holding myself back. I have put lots of things off for other people=my parents, relationships, work. I am tired of it. So I am putting the most important person in my life first....ME! No longer will I care what others think of me. No longer will I put things on the back burner for other people. What's most important is me. My life. My health. My happiness. (Maybe if I had thought of my health 3 or 4 months ago, when the dizziness started, that maybe I would be better by now and not on a leave of absence from work). My priority from now on is me. I am going to work to achieve some of my dreams and my goals and in the meantime maybe a man will find that attractive and sweep me off my feet.

It doesn't matter who you are or what you do. Your top priority should and always be you. Because without you, who would you be?

Stop Looking Already

I got some dating advice (again) tonight. My friend said that when you stop looking the right one will come to you. Everyone has heard this saying before. But what he said is that you have to be honest about it. You REALLY can't be looking....AT ALL. You almost have to push people away, the right one will stay even though you are pushing them out.

I think that he may be right but that is SO hard. If a guy asked me out right now, I am jumping at the opportunity since I have had ZERO dates in a year and a half. So I would take that opportunity and run. He said that when dating you must be equal parts playing hard to get and being available. So you must make yourself available but you have to be in control of it. Don't be available all the time. Reject the guy a couple of times then make yourself available to him. This is hard advice to follow when you are looking for a man. But see above, if you aren't looking it's easy to do this. Nothing that is achieved cheaply is valued in the end.

My friend said that the way to get guys to approach you is to make yourself the center of attention (in a good way) no matter where you are. You want to be the one that everyone wants to hang out with. You have to become "that girl" as opposed to just "some girl". See, I feel that I do this. Maybe not everywhere I go, but for the most part if I am hanging out with my friends, I don't care what any one else is doing, I am having a good time. It's just for me that no one is approaching me and I don't understand why.

I think that the advice that my friend gave me is true. It's just applying it that is hard. I think that I will invest a little more in myself so that I can forget about being single for a while. Maybe then, when I am not looking, the right one will come along.

Engagement Envy

So, two of my friends this week got engaged (or are about to) and are buzzing with excitement as they should be. I am happy for them. They are both about to marry wonderful guys who treat them well and will live happily ever after.

Blah, blah, blah.

Yes I am happy for them. Really I am. But I started to notice just a little, itty bitty bit of jealousy starting to creep in.

See, my one friend, A, never had a boyfriend that lasted more than two weeks until this guy came along. And I am happy for her. But in college, she would find a guy and date him and break up with him for meaningless reasons like he didn't like to eat pancakes or he ate crackers in her bed. So needless to say we never thought that A would find a man that was worthy of her. She has high standards and this is not at all a bad thing. In fact, sometimes I wish I was as picky as she is, then maybe I wouldn't have moved to Maryland for a guy so quickly and therefore lost two years of my life. Anyway, in college, I was the opposite. I didn't have many boyfriends, but I could keep a man for a long term relationship. That is all I really have had is the long term relationship...its the short term dating that I have a problem with. I was willing to give a guy a chance and would accept his flaws and uniqueness, which is something A could not do.

Well, she found a man that she accepts. Fully accepts. Accepts his flaws and loves his unique qualities. This is HUGE growth for A and I am proud of her.

But I can't help but be jealous. No one thought that A would be the one to get married first. It's wonderful. It's great. It's exciting. I'm jealous.

Now that A is getting married, I will be the ONLY single girl out of all my friends. I will no longer have A to talk to for single girl advice and gripes. I will no longer be able to hang out with A for single girl fun. She will be just like the rest of them, living in suburbia with hubby, a house with a white-picket fence and a family to start. And leaving me alone. Now no matter who I hang out with of all of my friends, I will be the third wheel. I will be the only one unmarried and without children. I'm sad, depressed, jealous. I know I shouldn't be, but I can't help but be thinking about what could have been in my life.

I know that I am not the only single person in the world. But singles in MY world are becoming few and far between and I am having trouble accepting my role as the ONLY single girl in my group. With time, I will get used to it, I'm sure or I could be hopeful that one day it will be my day to announce my engagement, I just don't want to get my hopes up.

He's Just Not That Into You

He's just not that into you. Story of my life.

Apparently, and I am totally just guessing and overanalyzing here, but apparently my current little crush does not have a crush on me back. After talking / texting on a semi-daily basis for the past two months, he has suddenly fallen off the face of the planet and I have not heard from him in about a week.

Overanalyzing....maybe. Overreacting...perhaps. But it still leaves me confused.

So indulge me in my little crazy overanalyzing cause y'all know that I'm going to do it anyway.

Is it that he is just busy or is he really not that into me? He seems flirty when we are together and we get along just fine. We were talking on a semi-daily basis until this...nothingness. Is he on the other end thinking the same things about me...that I fell off the face of earth and am not that into him?

So, what does a girl do? Should I call him tomorrow and give it one last chance to re-spark, or do I just leave it be as if it doesn't really matter to me? I don't want him to think that I am not interested in him (even though he is showing that he is not interested at all in me). Those of you that know me know that I am not one to give up. I have been known to wait years for a guy to come around (which isn't necessarily a good thing).

Obviously I am not good at this dating thing and starting (and well keeping) relationships, so if you are reading this and you have any input, PLEASE help. I am getting tired of being single...not that I am trying to force anything, but I would like to get into the dating game rather than sitting on the sidelines.

Playing the Slots?

My friend recently gave me this dating advice. Her brother used to work security at a casino. He has a world of great casino advice, but at the top of the list is this: go to the slot that hasn't been used in awhile. The slot machines that people walk away from, aren't paying out. The machines that haven't been touched in awhile, for whatever reason, seem pay out when you walk up to them. When you're at a machine that seemed like it's gonna pay out, but doesn't, or has paid out, but stops, walk away. Try another machine.

A part of me wants to agree with her. You have to know when to keep putting change in and when to walk away. But I also feel that sometimes, people give up too quickly and that persistence can pay off. When dating, I feel that it all depends on the situation. Some walk away just when the guy was getting warmed up to the idea of dating you.

What I am saying is that it often takes time to get to know one another. And usually you are getting to know each other through a friendship and casual flirting. To give up just at the point when he is starting to get to know the real you is a loss and your persistence may pay off.

In other situations they are just blowing sunshine up your ass and they really want nothing to do with dating you but don't want to hurt your feelings by saying no.

I'm one to not give up. I am one to chase a guy that I liked in high school for over 5 years. I had a crush on him that just wouldn't go away. In college, he decided that he had feelings for me too that grew over time and we dated. Who cares that we broke up 3 years later. My point is that my persistence paid off and he did date me cause I didn't give up.

I feel that you can keep pursuing and he may still continue to reject you. But isn't part of the fun the pursuit. And why not keep chasing so long as it's still fun to you.

Keep putting the change in, eventually the slot will pay out.

Wish

I wish I understood why I am the ONLY single one in my group of friends.

I wish I understood why no guy wants to date me even though I may possibly be the coolest girl they know.

I wish I understood why a guy doesn't want to go out to dinner with me, even if it is only as friends (I mean, come on, it's a dinner not a marriage proposal for God's sake)

I wish I understood the statement "Alison, you are friendship material but not so much girlfriend material."

I wish I understood why playing hard to get works for everyone else but when I try it the guy just forgets about me like I fell of the face of the planet.

I wish I understood why a guy would not call me back after he asked me to specifically call him today.

I just wish I understood. I don't know if I ever will.

Blindness

I got a really nice compliment the other day. One of the nicest compliments I have ever received.

The manager of the dance studio told me that I was a very welcome addition to the school; that I have a great personality; get along and can talk to anyone. He said that I come in with a great attitude and have a very good sense of humor. He actually said I was a shining star and is happy that I joined the dance studio. It was really nice to hear that and I feel like he was being genuine. It meant a lot.

The thing is a lot of people have been telling me this lately. "You're so funny", "I love your bubbly personality", "You can talk to anyone, I wish I could be like that". If I am so great, (which trust me I am pretty awesome), then why I am still single? Can they not see what a great catch I could possibly be? I am not trying to show off or toot my own horn about how fantastic I am, not at all. I am just trying to understand it, that's all.

Are the single guys blind or are others just blowing smoke up my ass?

Good at Friendship, Bad at Relationships

I have made a friend, a guy friend that I talk to often. I admit that the reason why I wanted to even talk to the guy at first was to date him, but after months of talking and hanging out, I get the feeling that he only wants to be friends. We are VERY flirty with each other, so I am not really sure what he is thinking and I sure as hell am not going to come out and ask him. I have accepted that we are friends and maybe eventually it will lead to something more.

I know that he cares a good bit about me. I haven't been feeling well and he calls or texts daily to make sure that I am okay. And he catches me when I am dizzy and about to pass out. Best of all, he is understanding and patient with me through it all...I know a perfect catch, right?

Too bad he just wants to be friends. Is he just scared to get into a relationship? Does he have feelings for me but the timing is wrong? I value his friendship, so I don't want to screw it up. Is it true? Am I good at friendship but bad at relationships?