Confusion

Just when I thought I had it all figured out by keeping Dancing Dude on the back burner, he texted me today. I do have to say that I am not as interested in him after his month long hiatus from me.

I don't quite know what to say about it. He says he hasn't called, written or texted because he was busy. I feel like he only knows me when no one else is around. Then he texts today and is ultra flirty and cute. Confusing.

I am very skeptical of him. He makes plans with me and then ditches out. He promises and doesn't deliver. And to be honest, I deserve more than that because I am worth it. If he doesn't see it, that's his problem, his loss.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about myself, relationships, love (or in my case a lack of love) and I think I will remain hopeful but at the same time take a step back. I think I am going to stop looking for a little while. If someone special comes along, I am not going to push him away, but I guess I just want to be cautious. Maybe I am being too careful. I don't know. I don't know what to do anymore.

It's confusing, I am a very confident person but when it comes to dating and relationships I have no clue and lack confidence. After my last relationship, I don't trust my own decisions. I don't know what to do to regain the trust in myself...if it is even possible to do so.

I need help....lots and lots of help.

Facade

It's funny how you never know what others truly think about you.

Until they tell you.

Last night my mother did just that. And it became clear that my brother is her favorite (which I have known since childhood). She said that my brother is emotional, sensitive and caring. And then said that I am strong and that I don't care about anybody but myself.

In a way, I see her point. I am a strong and confident person. And because I am so confident, I tend not to care what others think about me, cause this is me and there is no changing it. But on the other hand, I care so much about what others think of me that I held myself back from doing things for fear of what my parents would think. Something I am just now starting to get over.

I really don't think that my Mom knows who the real me is. I am a totally different person around her than I am around my friends. In fact, I am the most emotional person I know. I just try to hide it from her. I put up a very good facade.

It really hurt me when she said that last night. I now know what she thinks of me...that I am a horrible person who doesn't care about anyone. That hurts. Now I know what she really thinks of me.

Am I a bad person? Do I know the real me?

My Priority

Since I have had vertigo, I have had LOTS of time at home to think about my current single status (among other things).

I have decided that I am going to put full effort into bettering myself. I want the best for me. I decided to go back to school for my Master's degree. It is something that I have put off for a while and I feel like now may be a good time to go for it. I am definitely at a point in my career that I want more and to do that I will need to further my education.

But not only that, I am just tired of holding myself back. I have put lots of things off for other people=my parents, relationships, work. I am tired of it. So I am putting the most important person in my life first....ME! No longer will I care what others think of me. No longer will I put things on the back burner for other people. What's most important is me. My life. My health. My happiness. (Maybe if I had thought of my health 3 or 4 months ago, when the dizziness started, that maybe I would be better by now and not on a leave of absence from work). My priority from now on is me. I am going to work to achieve some of my dreams and my goals and in the meantime maybe a man will find that attractive and sweep me off my feet.

It doesn't matter who you are or what you do. Your top priority should and always be you. Because without you, who would you be?

Blindness

I got a really nice compliment the other day. One of the nicest compliments I have ever received.

The manager of the dance studio told me that I was a very welcome addition to the school; that I have a great personality; get along and can talk to anyone. He said that I come in with a great attitude and have a very good sense of humor. He actually said I was a shining star and is happy that I joined the dance studio. It was really nice to hear that and I feel like he was being genuine. It meant a lot.

The thing is a lot of people have been telling me this lately. "You're so funny", "I love your bubbly personality", "You can talk to anyone, I wish I could be like that". If I am so great, (which trust me I am pretty awesome), then why I am still single? Can they not see what a great catch I could possibly be? I am not trying to show off or toot my own horn about how fantastic I am, not at all. I am just trying to understand it, that's all.

Are the single guys blind or are others just blowing smoke up my ass?

Dance the Night Away

I started ballroom dancing lesson. SO MUCH FUN! I love the classes, love the people, love the dancing.

I was really happy about going to class until Monday. I had my individual one on one class...which was awesome. But after we had a group class, where I was one of the only single girls there (there was one other single woman there and the rest were all couples.)

I love going to dance class because when I am there, I don't feel different or single. It is me and my dance instructor in my own perfect dancing world where I am enjoying myself and learning something new in a place where no one is judging me. Then group class came and while the couples were dancing I sat on the sidelines and watched or had to dance with the female instructor. I am sure that no one there was judging me or even looking at me like I was different but I couldn't help but feel that way. It put me into a more depressed mood for the last few days, where before dance class always put me on a high for a while. I have another class tomorrow and I am not as excited for it as I was before.

I understand that I decided to take up a hobby that is meant for couples. I just never felt alone while I was there until then. I am sure that I am the only one that would feel that way after a group class but I just can't help it. Hopefully, individual class tomorrow will bring back my happy spirits about dance.

Read, Deleted

I just don't get it.

I may not be the hottest, sexiest or skinniest girl out there, but I am not ugly by any means. I have lots of personality and am easy to talk to and get along with.

Why then, has every guy on these online dating sites ignored me? All my sent messages are "read, deleted". I don't get it. What is so unattractive about a 29 year old woman , who has a decent job, a sense of humor and a knowledge of the game of football? Apparently I am not a good catch. This I don't get. I understand that not every person out there is going to be attracted to me, but not one guy on there is....NOT ONE! Come on.

Then, just when I was about to delete my profile from this silly site, a guy named John wrote me. He was nice and interesting. Conversations went so well that he wanted to call me tonight. So I foolishly gave him my number, finally thinking that this will go somewhere. He never called.

Why the runaround? Why say you are going to call when you have no intentions of doing so? Why lead a girl on?

I hate the dating world. The only reason why I am still in it is because as a single girl I have no choice. All single people are in the dating world whether they like it or not. Its sad. I'd like to check myself out of it like a bad hotel. Oh well. I'll stay at the one star motel...against my will.

Happiness

I have done a lot of thinking in the past few days, weeks and months.

I have come to realize that for the most part I am happy. I love my new job and all that it has to offer. Others think that I am sad cause I don't have a man. I find it frustrating to have to explain to them that they don't need to pity me cause I am happy. And because I have to explain it SO much, it brings me down sometimes. I wish people would accept that I am happy just the way I am. And if I find a man who I love, then I will be happy but I will also remain happy without one.