Total Letdown

This summer has been a total letdown.

In the Spring, my boyfriend and I discussed doing many mini weekend getaways. We had plans for Washington D.C, the shore and Hershey Park.

Then my boyfriend surprised me with a trip to Las Vegas that his friends were also going on. It was planned. I took the days off of work. Then his friends backed out. And even though we had the plans booked, he cancelled too and we are left without a vacation.

Then we have our annual week-long trip to Lake Raystown in Pennsylvania. We go with a bunch of his co-workers every year. It was planned. I took the whole week off of work. Then his boss, who plans the trip, had an affair on his wife and the trip was cancelled and we are left without another vacation.

I tried to convince my boyfriend to go somewhere during these days I already have taken off. He has lots of excuses.

He wants to go with a group. Always wants a big group. It hurts my feelings. Why doesn't he want to go with me alone? Am I too boring? I mean he says he loves me but he doesn't want to spend a few nights alone with me.

Then he says he has anxiety towards events. He doesn't want to plan anything because he has such social anxiety about it. And it has seeped into our normal day to day living. He didn't want to go to a party this weekend with my friends. Said he had too much anxiety over it. So he kept putting it off. We arrived to the party hours late but once he was there he was fine.

Its always my events. My parties. My friends. My trips. My ideas. He has no problem going to the bars with his friends or the parties at his work.

I am very disappointed. This summer has been a complete and total let down. A lie. A farce. I have held it in for most of the summer but just a few minutes ago I told him how disappointed I was. And he says "Keep fueling the pressure and anxiety." Am I being a horrible girlfriend? I have dealt with his "anxiety" about doing my events for the entire relationship. In fact, I many times have thought about breaking up with him because of it.

I never try to show my emotions around him, because he doesn't like it and makes me feel bad about it when I do. But after all this, I finally communicate to him about how I feel and I still feel bad about it. Maybe I am pressuring him to do things he doesn't want to do. But when it is always your event that he doesn't want to do it takes a toll.

Am I being a bad girlfriend? Am I being fair to myself? Is there a solution to this problem?

Bothers

Tomorrow is my interview. I thought by now that I would be looking forward to it. Instead, I am dreading it and have realized that I really don't want to be in this profession anymore.

Tell that to my boyfriend. He thinks that in these poor economic times that it would be stupid not to take a well paying higher position. He says going back to school to pursue a totally different career track is just not what one should be doing when a good job is available.

I tried explaining to him last night that I have not enjoyed working in preschools for almost five years now. I have given it more than chance and I am still not happy with it. He thinks that a new school and new position is what will help me to re-discover my love for teaching. Perhaps he is right, but I haven't loved teaching for a VERY long time, so re-discovering it will have to be a long trip back in time.

I'm still lost and probably will be more lost after the interview tomorrow. I guess I will have to wait and see what happens.

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On another note. My boyfriend and I went out last night. While we were driving to our second destination, my boyfriend made some comments that I haven't been able to shake. We both had a few drinks in our systems.

Comment 1: He told me that he doesn't appreciate the unemployed "losers" because he has to pay for them to be unemployed. He feels that he shouldn't have to pay for people to "sit on their bums" all day.

I don't know if he was talking about me or about the unemployment system, but I am one of the many that have become unemployed recently and knowing that he thinks I am a loser that sits on my bum all day really irks me.

Comment 2: He had mentioned that he was mad at me on Saturday, though this is this first I heard this. He said that it bothered him that at our friends barbecue that I sat there talking to him rather than mingling around. He thought I didn't have a good time because he was there and that made him mad. He thought I was trying to "sabotage" the event.

The thing is...I had a great time at that party. I go to this party every year and it was the first time he had been invited. Its the type of party where you sit in lawn chairs talking, laughing, drinking and eating. It isn't really a walking around, mingling kind of event. This "sabotage" comment was not the first time that he has mentioned that. He thinks that I ruin events just to get attention or to cause a fight. I remember only one other time that I caused a fight at an event and that wasn't because I wanted attention it was that he pissed me off. He acts like I am not supposed to ever get mad or sad or annoyed and if I do he thinks it's sabotage.

I don't know. I don't want to bring up these comments again to him but they have been lingering in my mind all day today. I am just bothered by them.

Effort

So, I guess everything between my boyfriend and I are good. We have been talking via the internet all day and the conversation is just normal...talking about work, school and joking around. And it makes me feel a little bit better but I am still on edge. I am still worried that at any moment it is going to blow up and he is going to break up with me. I am sure that he won't because we were both just laughing about the situation, so I am sure that we are just fine.

I have had time to think about the situation today, and I think that it is going to take an effort on both our parts to make sure that we are both happy in social situations. See, we both have social anxiety, but get nervous for different and opposite reasons. So, it can be difficult to see the other person's views. But now that we are both aware of it, I think that it will just take a better effort for both of us. I would like it if sometimes he includes me in his wanderings and smoking breaks and there are some times during his breaks that I can stand behind and attempt to mingle with to get to know more people. It's hard, but it will be worth the effort.

Standing Alone

I went to a holiday party tonight and I realized that I have a bit of social anxiety. Actually I have always known this but I think it is maybe getting worse.

I can be a very confident girl....sometimes. So this doesn't make much sense to me. Also, this was a party where I was around several friends. It was a huge party and I didn't know everyone but at the very least I knew ten people there. But I still was uncomfortable. I am just not fully myself at these things and I don't really know how to get over this.

I often feel left out at these things. There were several times tonight that I stood there alone while others were having conversations. Why couldn't I just join them in conversation instead of standing there? There were times I wanted to dance but just didn't have the courage to ask someone to dance with me.

I have always been awkward in big social situations like this but I never used to go to many so I would just suck it up once a year. But now that I go to several a year, I would like to enjoy myself a bit more.

Is there anything I can do to come more out of my shell or is this so ingrained in me that it will never change?

Dance the Night Away

I started ballroom dancing lesson. SO MUCH FUN! I love the classes, love the people, love the dancing.

I was really happy about going to class until Monday. I had my individual one on one class...which was awesome. But after we had a group class, where I was one of the only single girls there (there was one other single woman there and the rest were all couples.)

I love going to dance class because when I am there, I don't feel different or single. It is me and my dance instructor in my own perfect dancing world where I am enjoying myself and learning something new in a place where no one is judging me. Then group class came and while the couples were dancing I sat on the sidelines and watched or had to dance with the female instructor. I am sure that no one there was judging me or even looking at me like I was different but I couldn't help but feel that way. It put me into a more depressed mood for the last few days, where before dance class always put me on a high for a while. I have another class tomorrow and I am not as excited for it as I was before.

I understand that I decided to take up a hobby that is meant for couples. I just never felt alone while I was there until then. I am sure that I am the only one that would feel that way after a group class but I just can't help it. Hopefully, individual class tomorrow will bring back my happy spirits about dance.