All I Want For Christmas is a New Career

I visited the local business college to look at the medical assistant program. I was very impressed by it and really would like to enroll. The new possible career change excites me...a lot. I really finally feel like I have figured out what I want to do with my life. A few years late and a lot of floating around, but I feel like I have it figured out.

I am discouraged about the scheduling and cost of it all. It is either an all day program from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. and will be finished with the program in a year; or its an evening program from 6 p.m to 9:45 p.m. And I am more than willing to do either one. I would prefer the day program but I also need to make money and need a full time job to help with paying for my bills as well as the tuition. So more likely the evening program will be the one for me.

I am waiting to hear back from the physical therapy office to see if they want to hire me as an assistant. In that case, I will have on the job training and can become certified later on.

I just want it all to fall into place and with the way things have been going lately I am having my doubts about if and when that will happen. Maybe I am being impatient but I have been waiting a long time.

Lost

It's been three days of doing nothing since the lay off.

I applied for unemployment...always fun.
I filled out a FAFSA for school....which is confusing.
I took my dog for a walk at his favorite park.
I made an appointment for my dog at the vet.
I painted.
I cleaned.
I fixed up my tree frog's cage.

But mostly I sat around my house looking for something to do, which usually ended up in me sitting on the couch watching t.v. or on the computer or reading a book. None of which I mind doing, but doing this for forty hours a week gets pretty boring.

I have one interview next week for a better position in a good school. I am not even looking forward to it. I had my heart set on going back to school. Filled out my financial aid forms the day I got the call for the interview. Now that this vacant position is better than my last one, I am starting to be confused about what I should do. I am not at all excited for this interview, but will probably wind up taking it if it is offered to me, and therefore prolonging going back to school. I know that I will not be fully happy working in this field anymore, but I feel pressured to take the job.

I spent my entire adult life trying to build myself into something that was marketable to the teaching profession. I have done just that. I went to a well known university that had an excellent child development and early education program. I did well in school, making the dean's lists and the president's lists. I enrolled in great internships and student teaching programs. I graduated with honors. I have had several teaching positions and have built on each one. I have won teaching awards and have excellent references. My resume is impressive. I am an excellent candidate for any position in the early childhood education field. The only thing is...I don't want it anymore. I spent all that time building myself into a model teacher and I have now lost my passion for it. But now that I have such an impressive background, is that all I am worth?

I'm so confused...SO very confused. I don't know what to do. I just want to be happy and I haven't been happy teaching in years. Yet everyone I talk to tells me I am crazy for not wanting to teach since I have built up such a knowledge of education and have a lot of experience. They say to start over is just going in the wrong direction. I don't know what to do. I just want a better future and happiness. I just don't know how to achieve that right now.

Tonight is Wednesday. Wednesday is my usual date night with my boyfriend. We didn't do anything. In fact, it wasn't even mentioned once today about it being date night. I have been sitting home for the last three days, bored and sad that I am now one of the many people in this country to be unemployed. I REALLY needed to get out and have fun and take my mind off of things. I needed a hug and cuddles from my boyfriend. Instead he is still at work. Yup, still at work at 11:30 at night.

So I was just IM'ing him and started telling him how I was sad, lost and confused. He asked "why". I told him my reasons and then he says "Sorry you are confused. I have to go outside and get fresh air. Good Night" That doesn't help me at all!!!! That made me feel even more upset. To have no support from the one person who should love and support you in life, is really difficult to deal with especially when I have other things that I am having trouble sorting through.

I'm just confused, sad, frustrated and lost. I hope for the answers soon.

"Even in the darkest moments, there is always room for love and hope"

The Lay Off

I got laid off yesterday. My boss pulled me into her office and told me that Friday would be my last day. I wasn't as sad as I should be. It didn't even fully worry me. I was actually more relieved than anything. Now I can go back to school full time while collecting unemployment and makes the decision to go back to school much easier.

I was very excited about this possibility...until I received a lack of support from my boyfriend. He is convinced that I should go back to school for my masters degree in education rather than criminal justice. And now he is saying that I should put off going back to school, because I need to find a job in this economy before someone else does. He said it's just not the right time and having a job is more important because of today's economic times

I want to go back to school and at this point I feel like nothing is stopping me. That is what I want to do. I even got laid off at work because of my desire to go back to school--I know sounds backwards, but they knew that if I went back to school that it would mean that I would have to cut my hours to do so. They figured that allowing me to collect unemployment was a gift. Nice of them, but honestly it kind of did make it all easier...well until I received criticism from my boyfriend.

His comments made me think about my decision a little bit more, but I still have a strong desire to go back to school. I am pretty sure that I am still going to go through with it. It is what I have been wanting to do for months now...and I just can't give up on myself now!

Acceptance

I got accepted to John Jay College for Criminal Justice!!!!!!!

I am super excited and when I got the acceptance letter I couldn't stop smiling. I am also very, very nervous and scared. It is such a change--in career and life. My entire schedule will be different and it will be an adjustment.

I am also worried that I will not be happy after all this work to change my career. After all, I went to school for 4 years to become a preschool teacher and wound up hating it, so I am concerned that those feelings will happen again. I hope not but who knows.

I am excited and happy with a little bit (or rather a lot) of caution.

Flip Flop

I've been really indecisive about college / career plans this past week.

I was all prepared to send my graduate school application in. Then I had a conversation with my boyfriend and a friend and both gave me the same advice. Make the smaller change first and see if that makes you happy before making a bigger change. Basically they were saying that instead of totally changing careers that maybe a move to a different type of school or teaching a different grade may be the better solution.

That night I went online to search public schools for vacancies in the upcoming school year. And as I am doing this, I realize that I am not excited at all at all the possible opportunities. I was unhappy, unexcited and pretty much miserable with even the thought of remaining a teacher. So, I decided then that I will go to grad school and study criminal justice.

Until the next day. I had my annual performance review and I did well. Really well. You would think I would be happy. Yay! I am great at my job and they appreciate my hard work. Instead it left me confused...very confused. Maybe I should stick with this career. Maybe I am good at this kind of work. But even though I am good at it, I just don't know if I want to do it anymore. It just doesn't make me happy all the time

I sent in my grad school application today. I didn't want to close the door on it. This way I'll have options in a few months and I can decided then.

I just read this whole article about the quarter life crisis. I think I am definitely in one. I just wish I knew how to cure it.

Dream Squasher

Today, I talked to my boss about wanting to go back to school. She was less than supportive. She told me that if it causes my hours to be less than 40 hours a week then she will have to let me go. When I asked her if I could transfer to a center closer to the college, she said she would see if we could work something out but she doubts it. Thanks a lot.

I understand that she has a school to run. I totally understand that. But there are other employees there that go to graduate school and not one of them is working over 32 hours a week. The schedule was made to accommodate their hours and commute time and it still didn't add up to a 40 hour work week. So, if it's okay for the others how come it's not okay for me. It doesn't seem fair.

Funny thing is, it didn't upset me or anger me. It's like it bounced off of me. I was not going to let her bring me down. I will not let her (or anyone) squash my dream. I will apply to graduate school and take what life gives me. If I need to find a new job, or go around my boss to transfer to another school, then that is what I will do. I will be just fine and one day I will graduate with a master's degree no matter who supports (or doesn't support) me.

Wanted: Passion

I really wish I had more support. Lately I have been feeling like I have had little or no support from the people who love me and should be supportive of me.

I have wanted to go back to school for something I have always wanted to study-Criminal Justice. I briefly mentioned this on Easter and my brother said I was "crazy" and have been "watching too much tv." Thanks. I talked about it at a wedding to a table filled with people from my boyfriend's work. Some of them were very supportive telling me not to give up on my dream. But most of them said "find a passion outside of work" or "try working at another school and see if that helps". No that doesn't help. I have worked at many, many schools and I always wind up feeling like this...depressed, unappreciated, no passion.

I talked to my boyfriend about it and sometimes he is all for me going back to school, he has been very encouraging and if it weren't for him, I would've never even had the courage to apply. There are other times that I feel he is annoyed or thinks I am giving up on my career too early. He hasn't been with me for as long as I have been a teacher. I have been doing this for over 10 years, and I didn't hate all of it for the whole time, but I certainly have not enjoyed it for that entire decade either. He has only seen the past 5 months and thinks that I just hate my current place of employment (which I do).

Something is definitely different now. I have been out sick more since starting my current job then I have been in my whole life. I will make up any excuse to get out of there or to be sick. I just hate it there that much. I started at this new school a little over a year ago to get into a better working environment. This company is known to be one of the top 100 places to work for in the nation. I just don't feel that way. Working there has caused me to lose my passion even more for this profession.

I have been wanting to talk to my boss about going back to school for over a month now. I just have been afraid that she won't be supportive about it and therefore I won't have a job anymore due to my lack of passion.

I just feel like I need a better support system. Its a big decision to go back to school. It is just difficult to have no support.

And The Oscar Goes To....

My boss can be an intimidating person. I guess it would be more of a passive intimidation, if there is such a thing. She comes off as being sweet but if she has ever had to talk to you about something, it comes off as an attack. There is no talking but rather she will blame you for everything that went wrong and will turn it around on you even if it is her fault. I try to avoid having any serious, major, sit down conversations with her for this reason.

The last time we "talked" she mentioned my lack of passion at my job. I didn't deny this...in fact she hit the nail right on the head. I admitted to it and was hoping that she would be supportive and maybe give a little bit of advice. Instead she reprimanded me and wrote me up for not having passion for this profession anymore. She even went as far to say that if my passion for teaching didn't return that she would have to let me go. So, needless to say that I am scared to talk to her about anything relating to this subject for fear that it may cause me to get fired.

Since that last conversation about a month ago, I have faked my way through work, pretending to be happy to be there when inside I am loathing the existence of the school and wanting to quit. I should be awarded an Oscar since I got a note from my boss today thanking me for rekindling my love for teaching.

It's funny to me that the thank you note from her came the day before I was going to talk to her about returning to school for a career change. I want to apply for a criminal justice program and I need an letter of reference from her to send my application in. I was terrified to ask her for it before since she may just attack me for it, but now I am even more afraid to go since she feels that I now love my job.

I know that I still need to talk to her about it. And I hope that she would be supportive. I know that if this is what I want to do then no one should stop me. Keep the dream alive!

I'll let you know if I get fired for hating my job.

Passion Lost

I think that I am ready for a career change. I am just not happy doing what I am doing.

It's sad really. I am good at my job. Some have told me that I am great at my job. The parents, children and my co-workers often compliment me on my good work , creative projects I have done and the lessons I do with the children. The kids like "Miss Alison" because she makes learning fun. When I go out and tell others what I do, they light up with how "rewarding" of a job it is and say how much I must love it. Problem is, I am starting to hate it. I am losing my passion to teach young children. And once one has lost their passion for any profession, it makes the work difficult.

I have thought about how I would like to start a new career. I have always wanted to do forensic science. I get very excited thinking about how great it would be to work in a lab and help solve crimes. At the same time, it frightens me to even think about all the change that needs to occur for this career change to happen. Going back to school later in life for a career that I may not like scares me, not to mention the costs of higher education and time away from work to pursue it. Also, I have been researching and not many schools around here offer forensic science as a major. Many offer criminal justice, but I am not sure if that is the right path. I am in need of a career counselor or college advisor to figure that out.

I'm not sure what I want to do. I could remain at my current position and be unhappy. I could just accept that I am a preschool teacher and hope that my passion rekindles. Or, I could go back to school to try something new and hope that I like it. Maybe just trying it out would make me feel better so that I don't regret it later in life.

I don't like change. Change scares me. I wish it could just go smoothly. I wish the answers could come easy.

My Priority

Since I have had vertigo, I have had LOTS of time at home to think about my current single status (among other things).

I have decided that I am going to put full effort into bettering myself. I want the best for me. I decided to go back to school for my Master's degree. It is something that I have put off for a while and I feel like now may be a good time to go for it. I am definitely at a point in my career that I want more and to do that I will need to further my education.

But not only that, I am just tired of holding myself back. I have put lots of things off for other people=my parents, relationships, work. I am tired of it. So I am putting the most important person in my life first....ME! No longer will I care what others think of me. No longer will I put things on the back burner for other people. What's most important is me. My life. My health. My happiness. (Maybe if I had thought of my health 3 or 4 months ago, when the dizziness started, that maybe I would be better by now and not on a leave of absence from work). My priority from now on is me. I am going to work to achieve some of my dreams and my goals and in the meantime maybe a man will find that attractive and sweep me off my feet.

It doesn't matter who you are or what you do. Your top priority should and always be you. Because without you, who would you be?