Just Not Sure

I am really not sure about a lot of things lately. Life in general just has me down and confused.

Things with my boyfriend haven't been going so great lately. We have been having mini arguments and I have been sadder and sadder around him than usual. I know that we are opposites, but its getting to be too much when he doesn't want to compromise at all. Its all what he wants to do and nothing what I want to do. Just not fair. I'm just asking for compromise. Then, this weekend, we did something he wanted to do = go to a bar. I finally got up the courage to sing karaoke and he when I looked around while I was singing. It was my first time and I was so proud and he wasn't there. He was outside smoking or flirting with someone else, or God knows what cause i couldn't find him after. It upset me. I probably over reacted but I got really upset and it caused an argument that night that didn't really end for a while. The next morning I was so depressed that I had self-destructive thoughts and had to call my therapist to calm me down. I am just starting to wonder if this relationship is the one I have always dreamed of. We have LOTS of good time too. He makes me happy, makes me laugh, is very supportive and is always there for me when I need him. He balances me out and calms me down. Do the good things outweigh the bad?

I am also having second thoughts about my new job. I have been there for two months now. I have enjoyed the job until this week when my boss has been blaming me for things that others are doing and yelling at me for things that I wasn't trained about. It is not my fault that I was not trained properly. I guess they want me to be a mind reader, but I just can't take it. I also don't find it fair that they tell me one thing and I go and do that and then then next day they change their minds and blame me for doing the wrong thing. My second doubts escalated yesterday when my boss threatened to spank a child. Abuse is something I will not tolerate. It is sometimes such a negative working environment. Is this the type of place that I want to work at?

Dream Squasher

Today, I talked to my boss about wanting to go back to school. She was less than supportive. She told me that if it causes my hours to be less than 40 hours a week then she will have to let me go. When I asked her if I could transfer to a center closer to the college, she said she would see if we could work something out but she doubts it. Thanks a lot.

I understand that she has a school to run. I totally understand that. But there are other employees there that go to graduate school and not one of them is working over 32 hours a week. The schedule was made to accommodate their hours and commute time and it still didn't add up to a 40 hour work week. So, if it's okay for the others how come it's not okay for me. It doesn't seem fair.

Funny thing is, it didn't upset me or anger me. It's like it bounced off of me. I was not going to let her bring me down. I will not let her (or anyone) squash my dream. I will apply to graduate school and take what life gives me. If I need to find a new job, or go around my boss to transfer to another school, then that is what I will do. I will be just fine and one day I will graduate with a master's degree no matter who supports (or doesn't support) me.

And The Oscar Goes To....

My boss can be an intimidating person. I guess it would be more of a passive intimidation, if there is such a thing. She comes off as being sweet but if she has ever had to talk to you about something, it comes off as an attack. There is no talking but rather she will blame you for everything that went wrong and will turn it around on you even if it is her fault. I try to avoid having any serious, major, sit down conversations with her for this reason.

The last time we "talked" she mentioned my lack of passion at my job. I didn't deny this...in fact she hit the nail right on the head. I admitted to it and was hoping that she would be supportive and maybe give a little bit of advice. Instead she reprimanded me and wrote me up for not having passion for this profession anymore. She even went as far to say that if my passion for teaching didn't return that she would have to let me go. So, needless to say that I am scared to talk to her about anything relating to this subject for fear that it may cause me to get fired.

Since that last conversation about a month ago, I have faked my way through work, pretending to be happy to be there when inside I am loathing the existence of the school and wanting to quit. I should be awarded an Oscar since I got a note from my boss today thanking me for rekindling my love for teaching.

It's funny to me that the thank you note from her came the day before I was going to talk to her about returning to school for a career change. I want to apply for a criminal justice program and I need an letter of reference from her to send my application in. I was terrified to ask her for it before since she may just attack me for it, but now I am even more afraid to go since she feels that I now love my job.

I know that I still need to talk to her about it. And I hope that she would be supportive. I know that if this is what I want to do then no one should stop me. Keep the dream alive!

I'll let you know if I get fired for hating my job.