Too Much Thinking

Sometimes in moments of poor judgment or perhaps of pure sadness, I find myself wishing things were different and that I didn't break up with him. That last about a 20 seconds and then I remember all the crappy things he did while we were together and I become thankful that I got out.

It's like he didn't care for me. Like how he had me move in with him, even though it was 4 hours from my home and I did it. I sacrificed and I made the move. I thought it would make me happy too. But as I sat alone in the apartment crying that first night, I realized that maybe it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. He said that when I arrived he would leave work early so we could have our first meal together. I should have realized what the relationship was going to be like when he didn't leave work until 9 when he could have left at 5. I cried that whole night. I should have came home the next day.

Instead, I stayed for two more years. And it never got better. He was never home. He worked a lot and even when he could come home early, he didn't. Who knows what he was doing. I was left isolated in a place I wasn't familiar with and had no friends there. On the weekends, I wanted to spend it with him. I would plan dates and activities to do. And he would never want to go. He would rather have slept or sat on the couch. I was disappointed...and bored.

I remember when he said that he would go with me to get my dog's pictures taken with Santa. I waited all day and was so excited. It was Randy's first Christmas since I adopted him and I really wanted to go as a family to get the picture done. When he got home, he had totally forgotten that we were supposed to go. When I reminded him, he said he was too tired to go. I ran upstairs and cried for 2 hours. Then after I decided to take Randy myself. He came only cause he felt bad, but complained about it. I think he came cause I took control of the situation and was going to go by myself. He wanted me to stay home, I refused so he came but I don't know exactly why.

I sat in that apartment, day after day, hour after hour. Alone. Just me and the dog. He would accept new hours that would cause him to work until midnight. He kept saying that he would look for another job, but he never did. We never spent time together. I tried, but I don't think he wanted too. It doesn't surprise me that our relationship didn't last.

But even though I knew it was coming, it was still a shock to me when he told me one night that he decided to move back in with his parents. He kept saying it was because I wanted to come back to Jersey, but that's not the case. If I knew it could have worked out there I would have tried to make it work. But he was already gone. He decided without even discussing it with me, that he was going to move back home to his parents, even though he hadn't lived with them since high school. Sign of a desperate man, I suppose. I knew it was coming, but I still cried for days. I was in a really low place. How could he do that to me? He didn't care.

I tried hard to make a good home for him. I cleaned the house and made dinner for him. I don't know if he ever appreciated it. I don't know if he ever cared. Maybe it wasn't good enough for him.

Bottom line is that he didn't love me the way that I deserve to be loved. And I tried to love him but he didn't want that. Then by the time he wanted it, I already fell out of love with him and grew more and more frustrated with him.

I say that I am over him, but the truth is I don't know if I could trust another man. I guess I have tried to learn from my mistakes. I am definitely more cautious, but am I too cautious? And maybe I don't deserve the love that I think I deserve. No, that's not true. I deserve love. Everyone does. But will I ever find it? What if the next guy doesn't think its good enough either? I'm scared. I try to remain hopeful but deep down I am frightened. What if it's me? What if I am not capable of being the girlfriend? Great at friendship, bad at relationships.

Don't get the wrong idea and think that I want him back. I don't. I just don't understand some things. And some things you never get over. Most things you learn from and move on. I'm confused. I did everything I could in that relationship to make it work, but it still didn't last. So, if I gave it my all last time, who's to say that the next time, no matter how hard I try, that it will fail again. I know there is no formula for success or for love but how long do I have to wait?

Everyone tells me that once you find the one that you are meant to be with that it all falls into place. It will work out no matter what because that is what true love is.

I want that feeling...true love. I want to know what that feels like. I bet it's amazing.

(Damn, the holidays. Making me think again)