Under the Weather

Yesterday, I wasn't feeling good, something I am not over today. I went to the doctor and was told it was a virus and to rest for the next few days.

Wednesdays are my usual date night with my boyfriend. It has been since we started dating. We usually do something that he wants to do, which usually means that we go to a bar somewhere. Last night, we had plans to go to the Colorado Cafe. I wasn't feeling good so I told him that although I wish I could go, I just don't feel up to it. He was not so understanding. Even though he said that my being sick was "aok with him", later on he gave me grief about it and tried to guilt me into going. I wouldn't give in, since I knew that once I went with him I would be stuck there for the duration of the night even though I had no energy and didn't even want to drink. He was even saying that I wasn't really sick, that I just had social anxiety and was using the virus as an excuse. Do I need to get a doctor's note now to excuse myself from activities with my boyfriend?

He is sick quite often and I have always been understanding, but because my illness interferes with his bar hopping he gets mad. Shouldn't he be more caring?

He hasn't talked to me since 7 p.m. last night. I texted "goodnight" to him, something I do every night, but no response. Seems ridiculous to me to be that upset about being sick.

I don't regret my decision to stay home. I fell asleep on the couch at 8:30 and just woke up about 13 hours later. So obviously I wasn't up to going out. I just wonder how long he will hold this against me since he has a knack for punishing me for certain things. Just not fair.

Trembling with Fear....Still

I still get seizures and tremors while sleeping. I am getting very frustrated and upset at it. I am just very tired of not feeling well and just want to know what is going on with my body so it can be treated.

I went to the neurologist and she claimed it was anxiety and dismissed me.

I went to a psychiatrist who said that it is impossible to get an anxiety attack while asleep unless you have a sleep phobia, which I don't.

I had blood work done which all came back "perfect" as the nurse described.

I had an MRI done. I was so hopeful that this would give me an answer. It is really sad when you are hoping that the doctor will call to tell you that something is actually wrong with your brain just so that you know what is wrong. But no, the MRI came back normal.

I want to have an EEG done, but my primary care physician says that I have no need to make an appointment unless I am having a problem. News Flash! I am having a serious, constantly recurring problem of having tremors in my sleep causing me to be exhausted all the time. So should I call at 4 a.m. when I am having a tremor and tell them I am having a problem? Craziness.

I am going to a highly recommended doctor on October 5th. I made this appointment in June and have been waiting. He is my last hope, but I also refuse to stop fighting to find out what is going on with my body. I can't live like this for the rest of my life. The medicines they give me are inconsistent and I just can't handle this lack of sleep much longer. I really hope that this doctor, who was recommended to me by several people and physicians, will be able to figure it out.

I am just worried that there are no answers and I will suffer forever. I have been keeping a journal of every shake, tremor and seizure, as well as the times that I feel pretty good and what is working to stop the tremors (which isn't much). My boyfriend started video taping the tremors at night since I am asleep when they happen and we are going to show them to the doctor, in hopes that seeing it will give a clearer answer.

I just want to feel better. That is all I want. I just wish it would happen soon.

Support System

So, I have been sick lately. The doctor says I have an inflammation of my uterus. He said that this could just be an infection, but it could also be a sign of uterine or cervical cancer and could be quite serious. He took some tests and I am trying to be patient while awaiting the results. But as the days pass by, I am getting more and more worried. This worry has been weighing on my mind and by Sunday I broke down and told my boyfriend of a month and a half that I may have cancer. I may have endometriosis and I may need a hysterectomy. I may also have nothing but an infection, but I felt I should tell him. Not only cause the worry was killing me, but also because if this relationship continues into something more permanent then this news would directly affect him.

I wasn't sure what his reaction would be. I was really nervous to tell him and managed to give him this news without crying. He was totally supportive. He said he would be there for me no matter what happens. He also said that he would not blame me if in the end we could not have children. He said that when the test results come in, we will take it as it comes and figure it out together.

I felt good after the conversation, 1) because it felt good to tell someone and 2) he was supportive and gave me the hugs and words that I needed. I hope that he means what he says and will be there for me no matter what cause I will need that kind of support.

He says he has every faith that this relationship will work out. I just hope that I am in good health and can enjoy it.

Diagnose

I've been really down this past week. It probably has been brewing for a while but I'm definitely feeling it the past few days.

As you know, I haven't been feeling well for over a month. I put my trust in doctors and I have pretty good ones. But I have lost my faith in them a bit. After feeling like crap since August, they still don't know what is wrong. And now my symptoms are changing. It used to just be dizziness so they diagnosed me with vertigo. Now, I am so tired that I am sleeping over 11 hours a night and still not waking up feeling rested. What is going on with my body? I am frustrated, tired, and scared and no one is helping. The doctors don't know what is wrong or how to treat. My mom keeps pushing me to go back to work and I feel like I lost some of the new local friends I made before the sickness. I have been home with little social interaction for 6 weeks now. I just want to feel back to normal.

Feeling sick is enough to put someone into a funk. Being isolated and disconnected from the world can push someone into a depression.

And then there is jealousy.

My brother moved into a new apartment a few weeks ago and I am COMPLETELY jealous. I want nothing more than to move out of my Mom's house and into a place all my own. Oooooh...my own place...privacy...quiet...being able to walk around naked. It is a dream of mine. One that will never come true. But my brother is living my dream. His place is beautiful and it reminds me of the times I was out living life on my own. I am jealous. And the jealousy has made me a little depressed.

The holidays are coming up. It's the most wonderful time of the year. I want it to be a happy holiday. I know that it won't be for my family. It will be the first Christmas without my Dad. Is it wrong of me to want a happy holiday when my family will be sad about the loss of my Dad? I feel like it is wrong for even wanting to celebrate it. But I want to...I want to celebrate it and be happy and go shopping and decorate and enjoy the most wonderful time of the year without feeling guilty about it. I don't think that is going to happen this year and it makes me sad that I have to pretend to be sadder than I really am because my family is in a down period.

What do I need to do to get out of this funk? :(