Case of the Mondays

Lately, I have been a little down when it comes to work. I don't exactly love my job. I enjoy working with children but hate everything else about it...the hours, the stress, the people, the lack of challenge. I would love nothing more than to find another job and succeed at it. With the economy being as it is, this is not really the right time to go searching for a new career but I feel I have to or I will lose my sanity.

I have been off on medical leave for the last three weeks. I have loved it. I caught up on television and relaxed and slept and it has been oh so wonderful. Monday I have to return to work and I can already tell that my mood is more somber and blah, all due to the anticipation of returning to that dreadful place. My co-workers have been calling telling me how awful it has been there in the past three weeks and that is making it harder to look forward to going back to work.

On top of that, my benefits department due to some glitch or oversight has terminated my health insurance benefits. I didn't know this until I had several hospital and doctor's visits come back unpaid. Now I have thousands of dollars in bills.

So yeah, not happy with work right now on so many levels. And in a few days I have to return there.

Let me tell you why I hate this job so much. There are several reasons but I will give you a few that have been wearing on my mind lately.

I need more of a challenge. I am bored with just teaching preschool. When I have talked to my boss about this she told me that I don't have enough experience to apply for a promotion. I don't know when 12 years of teaching preschool and having leadership experience became not enough to go for more. I feel like she is holding me back and it makes me resent her.

I get paid very little and even before these recent medical problems I have had trouble paying the bills. I feel like being a preschool teacher is the most underpaid and under appreciated job around. And when I am there I do all the work and get no credit for it. The teacher I work with does nothing and gets the recognition. I have now developed a 'why bother' attitude.

I also feel the desire to do more. But after applying to public schools for many years and being rejected I am beginning to feel like this day care position of teaching preschool is all that I am able to do. I am good at my job and have won awards for my teaching but if I am not happy doing it then whats the point.

I don't know where to go from here. A part of me wants a total career change. I just don't know in what direction I want to go and with no experience in whatever field that is, its difficult to get a position in it. A part of me just wants to have a higher position in the same type of school. But being held back at my current school is not helping.

I really would like to get out of this depression over work so that I can be happier. I just want to be successful and happy and actually enjoy going to work.

Maybe it's too much to ask. Maybe everyone hates their job. Maybe I should just suck it up and deal with it. But I know that I am capable of more and if I have that desire then I should go for it, right?

Giving Me What I Need

I guess I have had a lot of stress lately. I guess I have held it all in....cause yesterday afternoon I kinda lost it. I started crying and feeling like the most horrible person in the world.

At first my boyfriend didn't know what to do. He hugged me and held me and talked to me. Some of what he said helped and some made it worse, but I know that he was trying.

He took me outside for some fresh air which helped out a lot. He said that I need a relaxing day and that is what he gave me.

We sat in his living room for several hours. We talked about what was bothering me and thought up some solutions to those problems. Then we just sat and looked at the snow. We talked about anything and everything. We played games. Then we watched television with his parents. It actually was nice....and exactly what I needed.

He calmed me down and gave me encouragement. He helped me greatly and I am thankful for it.

Fuel to the Fire

I think that sometimes it is hard for me to understand that I am not the only one in my boyfriend's life. It is hard for me because most of my friends live long distance, so I rarely get the chance to see them or make plans with them. And if my friends need advice or to talk, it is via phone calls, instant messenger or emails.

Tonight my boyfriend and I had plans to go out (which I was very excited for). So, when he tells me that he would like to go visit his friend Sue instead, because she just broke off an engagement and needs someone to talk to, I was at first very upset and very disappointed. One would even say I was mad. I remember saying out of anger that I was tired of losing out to other people. I wish I didn't say that, but I was frustrated at the time and I guess it really was how I felt. I was being selfish. It is hard for me to understand that his friends can get that immediate help if they need to call on him. With me, if I am going through something I have to call or leave an email or pray they are on AOL at the time. In other words, I have to wait for a response and sometimes that waiting is hours or days. I rarely have the opportunity to give or receive immediate advice. And in a way, I am jealous that his friends get that. I am also happy that he cares enough that he wants to help his friends.

I drove around for a while just to clear my head and realized that I may have over reacted and added more stress to the situation for him. And I feel bad about that. I feel like I could have helped him more and instead I just made it worse.

See, there is a lot more to this situation that I didn't realize when it first happened but have since learned about. I think he left out the fact that he was fighting with his parents because he didn't want to worry me. He has said in the past that he tries to not tell me about the rough times. He lets his friends help him through that, so that he and I can have the happy times together. Still, sometimes I wish he would go to me for help. Lord knows I go to him for it.

I do worry about this fight with his parents. I know that his mom isn't too fond of me, so I would hope that whatever this fight is about, its not me. I also hope that his mom's dislike of me doesn't cause him to change his thoughts about our relationship. A mother-in-law doesn't have to like her daughter-in-law, right? Like this relationship could still be successful without the blessing of mommy dearest.....gosh I hope.

Our relationship is still relatively new and I know that I am not fully used to him or his friends/family yet. I know with time this will take care of itself. I just want to help him now and I don't know how to yet.

Like I said, I drove around for over an hour. I just got on the highway and went. I got caught up in my thoughts. The first half of my drive, I was still frustrated and shaky and worried and upset. But then I realized how silly I was being. My boyfriend needs support right now and I am worried about our plans for tonight!? Once I had this epiphany, I turned around and drove home with a new attitude.

I realized what my boyfriend needs right now is to have his girlfriend be there when he needs her to be and to not add fuel to the fire when he is already stressing over so many other things.

I want to be that good girlfriend. The girl of his dreams? I'm not sure I can live up to that, but I can sure try.

(Sorry if I rambled in this blog. I had so many thoughts all at once and couldn't get them all down quick enough. Hope it makes sense)

Exhausted

So, the doctor called and told me I have Epstein-Barr Syndrome. He said that this is caused by the mono I had in the beginning of the year. Apparently, once you have mono it remains dormant in your body, so it's able to reactivate at anytime. And now mine has reactivated, since my body was already weakened from the Vertigo. Isn't that great? I'll be battling this for the rest of my life! I was finally feeling better from the Vertigo and was looking forward to returning to work soon and all that was blown away with a single phone call.

I know that I wasn't feeling fully better. I have been exhausted over the last two weeks, have been sleeping for over 10 hours a night and still waking up tired. I knew something was wrong with my body but I was hoping that the fatigue was the result of being inactive. You know how sometimes you grow tired from not being busy.

He told me that rest was the only cure for it and to just wait it out again. Meanwhile, I have to stay home from work for even longer than I planned and I am a little worried about my job security. Will they hold my place for me? I think that they will have to hire someone to take my place, at least temporarily. They thought I would be back in a month and I have already been out for double that so now that I will be out for triple or quadruple what was originally planned, what will they do? With the economy being the way it is, why would they keep someone that they have to pay disability to when they can hire someone cheaper to do the job? Someone told me that they can't legally do that, but I am sure that there are ways for them to get around it if they want to. In fact, thats how I lost my last job. I got mono, was out for 3 months and didn't have a job once I was better. So, you have to understand why I would be worried.

It just has me a little stressed. I know that it all happens for a reason. Maybe I should just concentrate on resting and getting better and not on work. Doctor said to avoid stress. So I will try to do just that, watching re-runs of Desperate Housewives on DVD and painting Christmas ornaments for everyone.

Now I think I will take a nap. Doctor's orders.