Not So Skinny, But Still Beautiful

I was talking to my boyfriend on IM.

He at first told me that he was not pleased by my text message to him this morning. I wrote him to tell him that I was upset, frustrated and stressed over my medical issues. Doctors still have not found a diagnosis and with each test that comes back normal I get more and more hopeless and depressed. He told me that I am "causing myself to be a victim" says I should "look past the doom and gloom and say all is well." And said "so what, you don't have the answer yet, move on." He feels that I shouldn't worry about the medical issues at all--that they will be solved when they get solved.

That was just the beginning, then he mentioned my weight. I have gained weight despite my efforts of eating much less than I used to. I believe the weight gain is due to the drugs I have to take to stop the seizures from happening. We have one of his company events to go to this weekend and the dress I want to wear he says may not fit due to the weight gain, even though it fit just a month ago. I told him that I am sure that it will fit, but if it doesn't no big deal, I'll buy another dress. He said "well you should worry about it and worry a lot about it." Now I understand that weight gain can become a health problem, but we are talking about maybe 10 pounds over the past 3 months or so. It's not like I have ballooned up to 300 pounds in 3 months. But that's besides the point.

Let me get this straight, I shouldn't worry about my health and medical issues but I should overly worry about the 10 pounds I have gained! It just got me thinking about how society has put such an emphasis on our looks and our weight that now people think that being skinny is more important than being concerned about medical issues. There is something seriously wrong with this world if I am expected to accept that having seizures nightly is normal as long as I am skinny. Or that I should stop taking the medicine just to lose the weight it made me gain in the first place. It really really bothered me.

As a preschool teacher, I am going to start one by one teaching the children I have care to accept people of all shapes and sizes. It may be a small dent in the problem, but at least I will hopefully make a difference in a small part. We need to teach this to children young, that people of all types, colors, sizes, shapes, orientations, races and religions are what make this country great. Accept and learn from all them.

I can't believe that my boyfriend even would say that to me. Seriously, he is worried about my weight more than the fact that I have seizures at night. Something needs to be said to him because that just isn't right. I am beautiful just the way I am (even if I did gain 10 pounds).

Trembling with Fear

I am terrified, worried, afraid, upset, sad sick, nauseated and confused.

A few months ago, I started getting little twitches in my arms and legs while falling asleep or laying down. I ignored it at first because it was manageable. But then I was getting no sleep at all after a while and I went to the doctor and he diagnosed me with Restless Legs Syndrome and he gave me an anti-convulsion medicine.

I took the medicine and I was happy that I could sleep at night but then the twitches started happening during the day, so at the next appointment, the doctor raised my dose.

I took the new higher dose and began having violent full body movements while sleeping. They occurred several times a night and would wake my boyfriend up but I would sleep right through them. The doctor told me I had to go on a sleep study but to remain on the same dose of medicine.

Last week, I began having tremors and seizures. First, my right hand will shake, like a person with Parkinson's Disease would have. Then my whole right side will tremble. Then I have a strong urge to lay down and then my entire body will go into seizure. Most of the seizures I don't remember, it is like I am unconscious. I went back to the doctor and he gave me a higher dose of my current medication as well as a new anti-seizure medicine.

I took the medicine as directed and went to work. I had a tremor at work. I don't think that it was a full on seizure because I remember the entire event and I usually don't when I have a seizure. But either way, it was horrible because it was a work, at a job that I just started on Monday. I was trying to hide the seizure thing from them because I work with kids and I didn't want to get fired. But that only lasted so long....in fact.... 4 days. Well they won't let me come back to work until i have a note from the neurologist saying that I am capable of driving and working with children.

I can't really worry about the job right now. I wasn't there that long and that isn't even what matters right now. What is important is my health. I am scared to death. The doctor did mention a possible seizure disorder. I just want it diagnosed. I don't want to continue taking these meds, that most of the time do not work, just to mask the symptoms. I want to know what is causing them and what the diagnosis is. I'm scared of it all but I will deal with it as it comes. I have to just trust that things will be ok. Thank goodness for me that I have a great family, boyfriend and friends that love and support me.