Haunted

I play the part of being completely over my ex-boyfriend really well. But every so often, a thought of him pops into my head. Sometimes these thoughts make me smile because I have great memories with him. We had some fun, loving, romantic times together. Sometimes these thoughts make me sad. I often miss him and wonder what he is up to. Is he happy? Does he think of me? Does he miss me?

I was at work today when I little girl missed her mommy so much that she cried and sobbed for hours during our nap time. I sat next to her and tried to console her but nothing worked. So I just sat next to her in my own thoughts. I missed my old love like she misses her mommy. I started to cry.

I miss him....still after almost 7 months of being apart. I thought around the 4th month that I was over him. I even told friends that I was completely over him and didn't care where he was or what he was doing. But around the start of the new year, I began missing him again. I couldn't sleep because I was consumed with thoughts of him. I would lie there questioning if what I did was the right decision and if it was the right choice than why did it hurt so bad so long after the break up? These thoughts haunt me.

Sometimes I think that I am wasting my time in missing him. We live far apart now and I know that neither one of us is moving for the other one. I won't make that mistake twice. So is it wasteful to want him back when it will be detrimental to both of out lives to have it actually happen? Am I living in a fantasy?

Maybe I don't miss him. Maybe I miss being loved and having a person to hug me when I feel sad . Maybe I miss having the company around and having someone to come home to. When will this be cured and how long do I have to wait? I am waiting for a replacement for him but maybe he can't be replaced. Did I give up on the one person who made me feel happy and good about myself because of a few of his flaws? He always accepted me fully for who I am and he loved me anyway. I couldn't accept even a few of his flaws and wanted to change him. Can I ever fully love someone or will I always be wanting the person to change? Will anyone be good enough for me?