Torture

In a moment of weakness yesterday, I called my ex-boyfriend during my lunch break. I didn't know what I wanted to say to him but my heart was telling me to call him and I followed my heart. He didn't answer. I left a short message. He hasn't called back.

I don't know why I called him but I do want to talk to him. I miss him terribly and just want to hear his voice. I don't know what my motives are here. I know that there is no chance of getting back together with him. We are both in different places with much distance between us now. It would be unreasonable to even consider getting back with him and wouldn't be fair to either one of us to change our lives for the other.

So why am I still wanting to be with him? I am being unfair to myself. Living in a fantasy world? I am torturing myself and because of this I cannot get over him. Maybe I don't want to.

I often wonder if he was the one and I screwed it up somehow and lost the only chance at love I had. I let him go and now I have to live with the consequences. So I torture myself, so what? I deserve that for giving up the only love I may ever have.