Unsupportive Support System

From a guy who claims that I am selfish, my boyfriend sure is being selfish right now.



I am having surgery on my knee done on Friday for my torn ACL. I am naturally nervous for the procedure, especially since I have never had surgery before and have never been put under anesthesia. I also know that I am in good hands and that all will be well. I have done a lot of reading on the subject and feel pretty good about it.



I have planned all along to have my boyfriend drive me to the procedure. He agreed to this several weeks ago. Now it is two days until the surgery and he is acting like I never told him that. He says that he wants to be there for me but doesn't want to be sitting in a waiting room all day unless there is a real emergency. How he will know if there is a real emergency while sitting at home on a day he took off, I don't know.



I understand that it can be quite boring to sit in a waiting room. But if he were having surgery I would bring things to do knowing that I would be there in case there was an emergency. Not to mention that he stayed in the waiting room for hours last week when his dad had surgery. So the person I wanted to bring for support is not being so supportive. He is acting like I am interrupting his life for my surgery. He told me that I am getting panicked over this "minor event" when the nurse at the surgery center told me that this is major surgery.



So now I have to question...is he the one that I want to bring to surgery? And if he is this insensitive now then what about the future?

Blessing in Disguise

This ACL tear may be the best thing to ever happen to me.

While that is hard to say with all the pain and discomfort I am having, it may have done something wonderful for my career. Because I was hurt my work has not scheduled me, so I was laid off. I was down in the dumps thinking about how this injury has really put me in a bad spot. With no money being made and having a hard time getting around, I was really depressed. Then I decided to take action. I applied for unemployment, something my employer was very upset with me about. Then, I applied at every director, assistant director and administrative position in a child care setting that was in the tri-county area. I was willing to drive an hour away just to gain a good position and use my skills and knowledge for a leadership role. At first, I thought it would never work out. Until today. I have two interviews scheduled for tomorrow, both of them for a director position at brand new schools! I am super excited and hopeful that it all works out.

So even though I am in pain and can't do everything that I used to, I may be better off because of it.

"Why do blessings wear disguises? If I were a blessing, I'd run around naked!"

Total Bummer

Totally NOT a faker with my injury, as so many people I vacationed with had thought. I got an MRI and tore ligaments in my knee and may possibly need surgery!! EEK!

Been very bummed about the bummed knee. I haven't been able to work for the last 2 weeks and with the possibility of surgery, I may be out for months. I have been very stressed about the lack of money since this has happened. I am hoping that work will help me out so I can collect some sort of disability or unemployment payments. Still, this is an added stress that I don't want to be thinking about right now.

What I am REALLY worried about is the surgery. I have never in my whole life had surgery on anything. I know that this surgery isn't nearly as bad or invasive as many other surgeries but it still has me freaked out. What also has me depressed is that recovery time after surgery. Apparently, a year of physical therapy is needed to get the knee close to normal condition again. So a whole year of my life is gone thanks to the ocean slamming my knee.

I forgive the ocean though. In fact, I want to go back. I want nothing more that to be sitting on the beach in this beautiful weather watching the waves crash in and relaxing (as long as my knee is not in those crashing waves, that is).

I also learned that my boyfriend cares about me. I knew that before but this is just more proof. After this happened, I thought he really didn't care. I thought that I annoyed him by getting an injury on vacation. And I think that is still partly true. But now that it has been shown to be a pretty bad injury, he has been taking care of me. He has been babying my knee, carrying things for me, making sure my crutches are always near, holding doors open for me and taking me to doctors. Its been really nice to have that kind of support and I love him for that.

Ocean Faker

While on vacation at the Jersey Shore (which was fantastically relaxing, by the way) I hurt my knee in the ocean when a wave hit it. Yeah, I was taken down by a wave. I twisted it and it hurt really bad. What hurt worse was finding out that my boyfriend's entire family, who we were vacationing with, thought that I faked it. I was very hurt and still am hurt by it. It makes me uncomfortable to be around them. And because they think I faked it, I feel like now everyone feels I faked it too. That is probably not true, but they put the doubt in my mind and I hate that.

I think they thought I was faking because the injury didn't stop me from doing things at the shore. I still went to the boardwalk, swam in the pool (not the ocean) and went to sit on the beach. I did all that through pain and put on a happy face while doing it. After all, I was on vacation and I didn't want to take away from other's fun times.

So they thought I faked it. I am still in pain even though it happened a week and a half ago so I went to see a doctor. I slightly tore a ligament on my inner knee and have to use crutches to stay off of it! Don't know how I can fake that? I feel like I have to prove them wrong by showing them a doctor's note or something. I think that is very sad and I shouldn't have to do that. I'm sure they will think I am over-reacting when I come in with crutches later.

I don't know what I need to do to be good enough in their eyes. It is probably beyond that point of fixing that. I am very hurt that they think I am lying and faking.

Total Letdown

This summer has been a total letdown.

In the Spring, my boyfriend and I discussed doing many mini weekend getaways. We had plans for Washington D.C, the shore and Hershey Park.

Then my boyfriend surprised me with a trip to Las Vegas that his friends were also going on. It was planned. I took the days off of work. Then his friends backed out. And even though we had the plans booked, he cancelled too and we are left without a vacation.

Then we have our annual week-long trip to Lake Raystown in Pennsylvania. We go with a bunch of his co-workers every year. It was planned. I took the whole week off of work. Then his boss, who plans the trip, had an affair on his wife and the trip was cancelled and we are left without another vacation.

I tried to convince my boyfriend to go somewhere during these days I already have taken off. He has lots of excuses.

He wants to go with a group. Always wants a big group. It hurts my feelings. Why doesn't he want to go with me alone? Am I too boring? I mean he says he loves me but he doesn't want to spend a few nights alone with me.

Then he says he has anxiety towards events. He doesn't want to plan anything because he has such social anxiety about it. And it has seeped into our normal day to day living. He didn't want to go to a party this weekend with my friends. Said he had too much anxiety over it. So he kept putting it off. We arrived to the party hours late but once he was there he was fine.

Its always my events. My parties. My friends. My trips. My ideas. He has no problem going to the bars with his friends or the parties at his work.

I am very disappointed. This summer has been a complete and total let down. A lie. A farce. I have held it in for most of the summer but just a few minutes ago I told him how disappointed I was. And he says "Keep fueling the pressure and anxiety." Am I being a horrible girlfriend? I have dealt with his "anxiety" about doing my events for the entire relationship. In fact, I many times have thought about breaking up with him because of it.

I never try to show my emotions around him, because he doesn't like it and makes me feel bad about it when I do. But after all this, I finally communicate to him about how I feel and I still feel bad about it. Maybe I am pressuring him to do things he doesn't want to do. But when it is always your event that he doesn't want to do it takes a toll.

Am I being a bad girlfriend? Am I being fair to myself? Is there a solution to this problem?

My Happy Tank

Fourth of July, 2010

My boyfriend and I were driving around after the fireworks, just hanging out and having fun. He asked "Do you want to go to New York City?" I thought he was joking but I answered an exciting "Yes." And off to NYC we went. About 20 minutes later we were in the Holland Tunnel and on our way to the city.

We drove to Times Square. We booked a hotel room and we walked around the city into the wee hours of the night. We had a drink at a local bar. We took pictures of the lights and sights. We walked hand in hand down every street and I smiled the whole time!

Our hotel room had the most beautiful view of Times Square. We were 37 floors up and I could see everything! I would just stand at the window and stare for an hour. It was wonderful!

My boyfriend said he did it just to make me happy and see me smile. I smiled the whole time. I haven't been that happy in a long time. He said he filled my happy tank. He sure did!

No Win Situation

I can't win! No matter what I do, it just doesn't work out or it gets me in trouble.

On Friday, my boyfriend wanted to go to a bar to see a DJ friend of his play. I didn't want to go. I REALLY didn't want to go. I suggested that he go with his friends and I relax at home. Then he said that he won't go if I don't go and I felt bad that he would miss his friend's event. So I went.

When we get there, it is very empty so it gave me some time to settle in. But as the night went on, the DJ started and I hated the music that he played. My boyfriend and his friends were all up dancing and I was left alone at the bar. As time went on, I felt more and more uncomfortable. I lasted two more hours before I snapped and couldn't take it anymore. I was bored and left alone and I just wanted to go home. My boyfriend kept asking me what he could do to make me feel better and I said that I just want to go home. And so we went.

Then we got into an argument about it. And I felt bad that I ruined his special event. Why did he make me go? I didn't want to ruin it. Now his one friends are saying all these things about what I talked about there and none of it I remember. I wasn't drunk. I wasn't out of it. I remember most of the night. I remember that I barely talked to this girl and it certainly it wasn't a negative conversation.

This argument we had still lingers. It almost lead to us breaking up. And sometimes I feel like maybe we should break up. I feel like no matter what I do, I can't win with him. I try to be myself and then he tells me that it isn't the girl he wants. I try to be truthful and he tells me that I shouldn't be so negative. I feel so much pressure to be someone I am not. I feel like I am walking on eggshells just to not be in trouble with him or to say the wrong things or to avoid the next fight. I can't do it anymore. It is so hard.

I don't know what to do. I'm at the end of my rope. There are times I just want to end it, to be free. And there are other times that just the thought of that makes me start to panic. I think I am stuck. No matter what I do, will I be happy? I can't even answer that question. Am I destined to be single again? I wanted to marry him. I can't start all over again. I can't.

What do I do?