While on vacation at the Jersey Shore (which was fantastically relaxing, by the way) I hurt my knee in the ocean when a wave hit it. Yeah, I was taken down by a wave. I twisted it and it hurt really bad. What hurt worse was finding out that my boyfriend's entire family, who we were vacationing with, thought that I faked it. I was very hurt and still am hurt by it. It makes me uncomfortable to be around them. And because they think I faked it, I feel like now everyone feels I faked it too. That is probably not true, but they put the doubt in my mind and I hate that.
I think they thought I was faking because the injury didn't stop me from doing things at the shore. I still went to the boardwalk, swam in the pool (not the ocean) and went to sit on the beach. I did all that through pain and put on a happy face while doing it. After all, I was on vacation and I didn't want to take away from other's fun times.
So they thought I faked it. I am still in pain even though it happened a week and a half ago so I went to see a doctor. I slightly tore a ligament on my inner knee and have to use crutches to stay off of it! Don't know how I can fake that? I feel like I have to prove them wrong by showing them a doctor's note or something. I think that is very sad and I shouldn't have to do that. I'm sure they will think I am over-reacting when I come in with crutches later.
I don't know what I need to do to be good enough in their eyes. It is probably beyond that point of fixing that. I am very hurt that they think I am lying and faking.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Total Letdown
This summer has been a total letdown.
In the Spring, my boyfriend and I discussed doing many mini weekend getaways. We had plans for Washington D.C, the shore and Hershey Park.
Then my boyfriend surprised me with a trip to Las Vegas that his friends were also going on. It was planned. I took the days off of work. Then his friends backed out. And even though we had the plans booked, he cancelled too and we are left without a vacation.
Then we have our annual week-long trip to Lake Raystown in Pennsylvania. We go with a bunch of his co-workers every year. It was planned. I took the whole week off of work. Then his boss, who plans the trip, had an affair on his wife and the trip was cancelled and we are left without another vacation.
I tried to convince my boyfriend to go somewhere during these days I already have taken off. He has lots of excuses.
He wants to go with a group. Always wants a big group. It hurts my feelings. Why doesn't he want to go with me alone? Am I too boring? I mean he says he loves me but he doesn't want to spend a few nights alone with me.
Then he says he has anxiety towards events. He doesn't want to plan anything because he has such social anxiety about it. And it has seeped into our normal day to day living. He didn't want to go to a party this weekend with my friends. Said he had too much anxiety over it. So he kept putting it off. We arrived to the party hours late but once he was there he was fine.
Its always my events. My parties. My friends. My trips. My ideas. He has no problem going to the bars with his friends or the parties at his work.
I am very disappointed. This summer has been a complete and total let down. A lie. A farce. I have held it in for most of the summer but just a few minutes ago I told him how disappointed I was. And he says "Keep fueling the pressure and anxiety." Am I being a horrible girlfriend? I have dealt with his "anxiety" about doing my events for the entire relationship. In fact, I many times have thought about breaking up with him because of it.
I never try to show my emotions around him, because he doesn't like it and makes me feel bad about it when I do. But after all this, I finally communicate to him about how I feel and I still feel bad about it. Maybe I am pressuring him to do things he doesn't want to do. But when it is always your event that he doesn't want to do it takes a toll.
Am I being a bad girlfriend? Am I being fair to myself? Is there a solution to this problem?
In the Spring, my boyfriend and I discussed doing many mini weekend getaways. We had plans for Washington D.C, the shore and Hershey Park.
Then my boyfriend surprised me with a trip to Las Vegas that his friends were also going on. It was planned. I took the days off of work. Then his friends backed out. And even though we had the plans booked, he cancelled too and we are left without a vacation.
Then we have our annual week-long trip to Lake Raystown in Pennsylvania. We go with a bunch of his co-workers every year. It was planned. I took the whole week off of work. Then his boss, who plans the trip, had an affair on his wife and the trip was cancelled and we are left without another vacation.
I tried to convince my boyfriend to go somewhere during these days I already have taken off. He has lots of excuses.
He wants to go with a group. Always wants a big group. It hurts my feelings. Why doesn't he want to go with me alone? Am I too boring? I mean he says he loves me but he doesn't want to spend a few nights alone with me.
Then he says he has anxiety towards events. He doesn't want to plan anything because he has such social anxiety about it. And it has seeped into our normal day to day living. He didn't want to go to a party this weekend with my friends. Said he had too much anxiety over it. So he kept putting it off. We arrived to the party hours late but once he was there he was fine.
Its always my events. My parties. My friends. My trips. My ideas. He has no problem going to the bars with his friends or the parties at his work.
I am very disappointed. This summer has been a complete and total let down. A lie. A farce. I have held it in for most of the summer but just a few minutes ago I told him how disappointed I was. And he says "Keep fueling the pressure and anxiety." Am I being a horrible girlfriend? I have dealt with his "anxiety" about doing my events for the entire relationship. In fact, I many times have thought about breaking up with him because of it.
I never try to show my emotions around him, because he doesn't like it and makes me feel bad about it when I do. But after all this, I finally communicate to him about how I feel and I still feel bad about it. Maybe I am pressuring him to do things he doesn't want to do. But when it is always your event that he doesn't want to do it takes a toll.
Am I being a bad girlfriend? Am I being fair to myself? Is there a solution to this problem?
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
My Happy Tank
Fourth of July, 2010
My boyfriend and I were driving around after the fireworks, just hanging out and having fun. He asked "Do you want to go to New York City?" I thought he was joking but I answered an exciting "Yes." And off to NYC we went. About 20 minutes later we were in the Holland Tunnel and on our way to the city.
We drove to Times Square. We booked a hotel room and we walked around the city into the wee hours of the night. We had a drink at a local bar. We took pictures of the lights and sights. We walked hand in hand down every street and I smiled the whole time!
Our hotel room had the most beautiful view of Times Square. We were 37 floors up and I could see everything! I would just stand at the window and stare for an hour. It was wonderful!
My boyfriend said he did it just to make me happy and see me smile. I smiled the whole time. I haven't been that happy in a long time. He said he filled my happy tank. He sure did!
My boyfriend and I were driving around after the fireworks, just hanging out and having fun. He asked "Do you want to go to New York City?" I thought he was joking but I answered an exciting "Yes." And off to NYC we went. About 20 minutes later we were in the Holland Tunnel and on our way to the city.
We drove to Times Square. We booked a hotel room and we walked around the city into the wee hours of the night. We had a drink at a local bar. We took pictures of the lights and sights. We walked hand in hand down every street and I smiled the whole time!
Our hotel room had the most beautiful view of Times Square. We were 37 floors up and I could see everything! I would just stand at the window and stare for an hour. It was wonderful!
My boyfriend said he did it just to make me happy and see me smile. I smiled the whole time. I haven't been that happy in a long time. He said he filled my happy tank. He sure did!
Monday, June 7, 2010
No Win Situation
I can't win! No matter what I do, it just doesn't work out or it gets me in trouble.
On Friday, my boyfriend wanted to go to a bar to see a DJ friend of his play. I didn't want to go. I REALLY didn't want to go. I suggested that he go with his friends and I relax at home. Then he said that he won't go if I don't go and I felt bad that he would miss his friend's event. So I went.
When we get there, it is very empty so it gave me some time to settle in. But as the night went on, the DJ started and I hated the music that he played. My boyfriend and his friends were all up dancing and I was left alone at the bar. As time went on, I felt more and more uncomfortable. I lasted two more hours before I snapped and couldn't take it anymore. I was bored and left alone and I just wanted to go home. My boyfriend kept asking me what he could do to make me feel better and I said that I just want to go home. And so we went.
Then we got into an argument about it. And I felt bad that I ruined his special event. Why did he make me go? I didn't want to ruin it. Now his one friends are saying all these things about what I talked about there and none of it I remember. I wasn't drunk. I wasn't out of it. I remember most of the night. I remember that I barely talked to this girl and it certainly it wasn't a negative conversation.
This argument we had still lingers. It almost lead to us breaking up. And sometimes I feel like maybe we should break up. I feel like no matter what I do, I can't win with him. I try to be myself and then he tells me that it isn't the girl he wants. I try to be truthful and he tells me that I shouldn't be so negative. I feel so much pressure to be someone I am not. I feel like I am walking on eggshells just to not be in trouble with him or to say the wrong things or to avoid the next fight. I can't do it anymore. It is so hard.
I don't know what to do. I'm at the end of my rope. There are times I just want to end it, to be free. And there are other times that just the thought of that makes me start to panic. I think I am stuck. No matter what I do, will I be happy? I can't even answer that question. Am I destined to be single again? I wanted to marry him. I can't start all over again. I can't.
What do I do?
On Friday, my boyfriend wanted to go to a bar to see a DJ friend of his play. I didn't want to go. I REALLY didn't want to go. I suggested that he go with his friends and I relax at home. Then he said that he won't go if I don't go and I felt bad that he would miss his friend's event. So I went.
When we get there, it is very empty so it gave me some time to settle in. But as the night went on, the DJ started and I hated the music that he played. My boyfriend and his friends were all up dancing and I was left alone at the bar. As time went on, I felt more and more uncomfortable. I lasted two more hours before I snapped and couldn't take it anymore. I was bored and left alone and I just wanted to go home. My boyfriend kept asking me what he could do to make me feel better and I said that I just want to go home. And so we went.
Then we got into an argument about it. And I felt bad that I ruined his special event. Why did he make me go? I didn't want to ruin it. Now his one friends are saying all these things about what I talked about there and none of it I remember. I wasn't drunk. I wasn't out of it. I remember most of the night. I remember that I barely talked to this girl and it certainly it wasn't a negative conversation.
This argument we had still lingers. It almost lead to us breaking up. And sometimes I feel like maybe we should break up. I feel like no matter what I do, I can't win with him. I try to be myself and then he tells me that it isn't the girl he wants. I try to be truthful and he tells me that I shouldn't be so negative. I feel so much pressure to be someone I am not. I feel like I am walking on eggshells just to not be in trouble with him or to say the wrong things or to avoid the next fight. I can't do it anymore. It is so hard.
I don't know what to do. I'm at the end of my rope. There are times I just want to end it, to be free. And there are other times that just the thought of that makes me start to panic. I think I am stuck. No matter what I do, will I be happy? I can't even answer that question. Am I destined to be single again? I wanted to marry him. I can't start all over again. I can't.
What do I do?
Thursday, May 13, 2010
I am a Winner!
YAY! I was a chosen as a daily winner on the blog The One Minute Writer!! So excited! Go to The One Minute Writer blog so you can maybe be a winner too!
Here is the winning entry to the writing prompt, Complete this thought....I'd like to find a map leading me to....
Here is the winning entry to the writing prompt, Complete this thought....I'd like to find a map leading me to....
My sanity!!!
Today in class, I told the kindergartners that I was losing my mind
because I was being forgetful. One of the boys drew me a map to where my
mind was hiding. He said "then you won't keep forgetting that I am the
Light helper today!"
So cute!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Starting Over
I am starting over on the weight loss journey. Not for anyone else but myself. I want to be happier with my appearance and overall be a healthier person.
I think that when I started in January I felt a lot of pressure from my boyfriend to lose weight. And for a while I agreed with him and I was doing a lot to lose weight. I lost 10 lbs and then gained it all back out of nowhere. It was a big yo yo, up and down for four months and I lost my motivation and confidence to continue on with it. So I stopped.
This time I am doing it for me and only me. I'm not even sure if I am going to tell others my plans cause I don't want to feel pressured again.
I think that I can do it this time. Now that the Spring is here, it will be much easier to take walks outside with my dog. Since my schedule changed at work and I have the afternoons free, I will have more time to go to the gym without cramping my evening plans.
I'm hopeful about this. I just hope it works this time.
I think that when I started in January I felt a lot of pressure from my boyfriend to lose weight. And for a while I agreed with him and I was doing a lot to lose weight. I lost 10 lbs and then gained it all back out of nowhere. It was a big yo yo, up and down for four months and I lost my motivation and confidence to continue on with it. So I stopped.
This time I am doing it for me and only me. I'm not even sure if I am going to tell others my plans cause I don't want to feel pressured again.
I think that I can do it this time. Now that the Spring is here, it will be much easier to take walks outside with my dog. Since my schedule changed at work and I have the afternoons free, I will have more time to go to the gym without cramping my evening plans.
I'm hopeful about this. I just hope it works this time.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Fight for your Right to Not Party
My boyfriend just needs to date a party girl. Plain and simple, just needs to date a party girl.
I am not a party girl.
Not being a party girl has been causing us a lot of tiffs lately. Usually, he wants to go out and I don't. Or I want to leave early and he doesn't. Or he gets drunk, which annoys me and sometimes his drinking causes him to start fights that don't make sense.
It is so tiring. I am so over it.
Right now, he says he is "mad" at me. I say "mad" cause he is not fully all out angry, but still had to make the comments about it. Last night was his birthday. I left the whole night up to him. After we finished dinner, I asked him if he wanted to go somewhere else. He asked me if I wanted to go to this local bar. I said "its up to you". He said he was on the fence about it. He continued driving and turned towards his house and went home. I assumed that meant that he didn't want to go to the bar. He doesn't say anything about it....until tonight.
He says that I should have been more gung-ho about it and that I "boo-hoo"ed the event before we even got to dinner. If he wanted to go, being the 33 year that he is, he should have said something since I told him he could do anything on his day. It frustrates me that this gets turned onto me. (Everything always does).
Now, he wants to go out tonight. I don't want to go out tonight. I am so not in the mood to go out. Its a work night and I am tired of going out during the week. I am so tired of going out.
It is all that we do. Go to a bar. I like to do things like movies, bowling, mini golfing, dinner. We rarely get to do the activities that I wanna do but we go to a bar 3 or 4 nights a week. It is getting boring and tiring.
My boyfriend should date a party girl, not a want to get married, want to have children kind of girl. Not a want to settle down and stop partying kind of girl. Maybe I am not meant for him.
I am not a party girl.
Not being a party girl has been causing us a lot of tiffs lately. Usually, he wants to go out and I don't. Or I want to leave early and he doesn't. Or he gets drunk, which annoys me and sometimes his drinking causes him to start fights that don't make sense.
It is so tiring. I am so over it.
Right now, he says he is "mad" at me. I say "mad" cause he is not fully all out angry, but still had to make the comments about it. Last night was his birthday. I left the whole night up to him. After we finished dinner, I asked him if he wanted to go somewhere else. He asked me if I wanted to go to this local bar. I said "its up to you". He said he was on the fence about it. He continued driving and turned towards his house and went home. I assumed that meant that he didn't want to go to the bar. He doesn't say anything about it....until tonight.
He says that I should have been more gung-ho about it and that I "boo-hoo"ed the event before we even got to dinner. If he wanted to go, being the 33 year that he is, he should have said something since I told him he could do anything on his day. It frustrates me that this gets turned onto me. (Everything always does).
Now, he wants to go out tonight. I don't want to go out tonight. I am so not in the mood to go out. Its a work night and I am tired of going out during the week. I am so tired of going out.
It is all that we do. Go to a bar. I like to do things like movies, bowling, mini golfing, dinner. We rarely get to do the activities that I wanna do but we go to a bar 3 or 4 nights a week. It is getting boring and tiring.
My boyfriend should date a party girl, not a want to get married, want to have children kind of girl. Not a want to settle down and stop partying kind of girl. Maybe I am not meant for him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
