"Most people miss their whole lives, you know. Listen, life isn't when you
are standing on top of a mountain looking at the sunset. Life isn't
waiting at the altar or the moment your child is born or that time you were swimming in deep water and a dolphin came up alongside you. These are fragments. 10 or 12 grains of sand spread throughout your entire existence. These are not life. Life is brushing your teeth or making a sandwich or watching the news or waiting for the bus. Or walking.
Every day, thousands of tiny events happen and if you're not watching, if
you're not careful, if you don't capture them and make them count, you could miss it.
You could miss your entire life."
From the book Addition by Toni Jordan.
I just read this wonderful book, an excellent read. It reminded me a little of me and my boyfriend. I was perfect just the way I was when we met, just as he was perfect for me that cold New Year's Eve in 2009. You just have to accept each other and continue to love each other unconditionally. This book also reminded me to look at the little things, it will change your life.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Addition
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Not So Skinny, But Still Beautiful
I was talking to my boyfriend on IM.
He at first told me that he was not pleased by my text message to him this morning. I wrote him to tell him that I was upset, frustrated and stressed over my medical issues. Doctors still have not found a diagnosis and with each test that comes back normal I get more and more hopeless and depressed. He told me that I am "causing myself to be a victim" says I should "look past the doom and gloom and say all is well." And said "so what, you don't have the answer yet, move on." He feels that I shouldn't worry about the medical issues at all--that they will be solved when they get solved.
That was just the beginning, then he mentioned my weight. I have gained weight despite my efforts of eating much less than I used to. I believe the weight gain is due to the drugs I have to take to stop the seizures from happening. We have one of his company events to go to this weekend and the dress I want to wear he says may not fit due to the weight gain, even though it fit just a month ago. I told him that I am sure that it will fit, but if it doesn't no big deal, I'll buy another dress. He said "well you should worry about it and worry a lot about it." Now I understand that weight gain can become a health problem, but we are talking about maybe 10 pounds over the past 3 months or so. It's not like I have ballooned up to 300 pounds in 3 months. But that's besides the point.
Let me get this straight, I shouldn't worry about my health and medical issues but I should overly worry about the 10 pounds I have gained! It just got me thinking about how society has put such an emphasis on our looks and our weight that now people think that being skinny is more important than being concerned about medical issues. There is something seriously wrong with this world if I am expected to accept that having seizures nightly is normal as long as I am skinny. Or that I should stop taking the medicine just to lose the weight it made me gain in the first place. It really really bothered me.
As a preschool teacher, I am going to start one by one teaching the children I have care to accept people of all shapes and sizes. It may be a small dent in the problem, but at least I will hopefully make a difference in a small part. We need to teach this to children young, that people of all types, colors, sizes, shapes, orientations, races and religions are what make this country great. Accept and learn from all them.
I can't believe that my boyfriend even would say that to me. Seriously, he is worried about my weight more than the fact that I have seizures at night. Something needs to be said to him because that just isn't right. I am beautiful just the way I am (even if I did gain 10 pounds).
He at first told me that he was not pleased by my text message to him this morning. I wrote him to tell him that I was upset, frustrated and stressed over my medical issues. Doctors still have not found a diagnosis and with each test that comes back normal I get more and more hopeless and depressed. He told me that I am "causing myself to be a victim" says I should "look past the doom and gloom and say all is well." And said "so what, you don't have the answer yet, move on." He feels that I shouldn't worry about the medical issues at all--that they will be solved when they get solved.
That was just the beginning, then he mentioned my weight. I have gained weight despite my efforts of eating much less than I used to. I believe the weight gain is due to the drugs I have to take to stop the seizures from happening. We have one of his company events to go to this weekend and the dress I want to wear he says may not fit due to the weight gain, even though it fit just a month ago. I told him that I am sure that it will fit, but if it doesn't no big deal, I'll buy another dress. He said "well you should worry about it and worry a lot about it." Now I understand that weight gain can become a health problem, but we are talking about maybe 10 pounds over the past 3 months or so. It's not like I have ballooned up to 300 pounds in 3 months. But that's besides the point.
Let me get this straight, I shouldn't worry about my health and medical issues but I should overly worry about the 10 pounds I have gained! It just got me thinking about how society has put such an emphasis on our looks and our weight that now people think that being skinny is more important than being concerned about medical issues. There is something seriously wrong with this world if I am expected to accept that having seizures nightly is normal as long as I am skinny. Or that I should stop taking the medicine just to lose the weight it made me gain in the first place. It really really bothered me.
As a preschool teacher, I am going to start one by one teaching the children I have care to accept people of all shapes and sizes. It may be a small dent in the problem, but at least I will hopefully make a difference in a small part. We need to teach this to children young, that people of all types, colors, sizes, shapes, orientations, races and religions are what make this country great. Accept and learn from all them.
I can't believe that my boyfriend even would say that to me. Seriously, he is worried about my weight more than the fact that I have seizures at night. Something needs to be said to him because that just isn't right. I am beautiful just the way I am (even if I did gain 10 pounds).
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Merry - Go - Round
Life on the home front has not been so great for me lately. Put aside the fact that still living with my mother at the age of 30 is taking a huge hit on my emotional status, my brother moved back home recently and it is causing me more stress than I like to have at home.
My dog, Randy, has never been a fan of my brother, Joe. He has always barked and growled at him when seeing him or upon my brother's arrival. My brother doesn't help this relationship by being mean to Randy and just overall not making an effort to be nice at all.
Since my brother has moved home, Randy's barking and aggression toward my brother has become worse. It seems that Randy has enjoyed a Joe-free year and is really angry that he is back full time. All week Randy has been barking, almost constantly at Joe, leaving me with a headache and a lot of stress.
Since my brother is not making an effort to calm this situation, I have stopped attempting to quiet Randy. I used to try, but it has been way to stressful and I can't deal with it anymore (have I mentioned the major week long headache that won't go away).
I'm not sure where to go from here. I can't stand the barking, I can't stand the meanness, I love them both, I'm tired of being stressed in my own home.
There are other stresses at home that have been straining to me. My brother lives in the room next door (the big beautiful room that used to be mine, but my mom refused to let me move back in there even though Joe moved out. That is a whole other set of issues that cause me emotional pain). My brother and his girlfriend aren't always quiet. I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping. Some of the lack of sleep is due to medical issues, but some is due to the noise level coming from the room next door. For a person that needs to dedicate as much time to sleep as possible due to the medical problems, having some noises next door is not welcoming.
Seeing my brother and his girlfriend sleep here every single night, also makes me a little jealous. My boyfriend never even comes to my house let alone sleep over. I always have to sleep at his house and it is usually on the weekends. So, I have a little envy over their relationship, since I would love to see my boyfriend every day, but don't.
I really need to move out. I don't know if I can't take much more. But that puts me in a hard spot because I can't afford to move out right now. Apartments are expensive around here and I don't make that much money. And then that reminds me of how I don't like my job and want to make more money and around and around we go.
I just want the stress to end. Make the merry-go-round of emotions end.
My dog, Randy, has never been a fan of my brother, Joe. He has always barked and growled at him when seeing him or upon my brother's arrival. My brother doesn't help this relationship by being mean to Randy and just overall not making an effort to be nice at all.
Since my brother has moved home, Randy's barking and aggression toward my brother has become worse. It seems that Randy has enjoyed a Joe-free year and is really angry that he is back full time. All week Randy has been barking, almost constantly at Joe, leaving me with a headache and a lot of stress.
Since my brother is not making an effort to calm this situation, I have stopped attempting to quiet Randy. I used to try, but it has been way to stressful and I can't deal with it anymore (have I mentioned the major week long headache that won't go away).
I'm not sure where to go from here. I can't stand the barking, I can't stand the meanness, I love them both, I'm tired of being stressed in my own home.
There are other stresses at home that have been straining to me. My brother lives in the room next door (the big beautiful room that used to be mine, but my mom refused to let me move back in there even though Joe moved out. That is a whole other set of issues that cause me emotional pain). My brother and his girlfriend aren't always quiet. I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping. Some of the lack of sleep is due to medical issues, but some is due to the noise level coming from the room next door. For a person that needs to dedicate as much time to sleep as possible due to the medical problems, having some noises next door is not welcoming.
Seeing my brother and his girlfriend sleep here every single night, also makes me a little jealous. My boyfriend never even comes to my house let alone sleep over. I always have to sleep at his house and it is usually on the weekends. So, I have a little envy over their relationship, since I would love to see my boyfriend every day, but don't.
I really need to move out. I don't know if I can't take much more. But that puts me in a hard spot because I can't afford to move out right now. Apartments are expensive around here and I don't make that much money. And then that reminds me of how I don't like my job and want to make more money and around and around we go.
I just want the stress to end. Make the merry-go-round of emotions end.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Just Not Sure
I am really not sure about a lot of things lately. Life in general just has me down and confused.
Things with my boyfriend haven't been going so great lately. We have been having mini arguments and I have been sadder and sadder around him than usual. I know that we are opposites, but its getting to be too much when he doesn't want to compromise at all. Its all what he wants to do and nothing what I want to do. Just not fair. I'm just asking for compromise. Then, this weekend, we did something he wanted to do = go to a bar. I finally got up the courage to sing karaoke and he when I looked around while I was singing. It was my first time and I was so proud and he wasn't there. He was outside smoking or flirting with someone else, or God knows what cause i couldn't find him after. It upset me. I probably over reacted but I got really upset and it caused an argument that night that didn't really end for a while. The next morning I was so depressed that I had self-destructive thoughts and had to call my therapist to calm me down. I am just starting to wonder if this relationship is the one I have always dreamed of. We have LOTS of good time too. He makes me happy, makes me laugh, is very supportive and is always there for me when I need him. He balances me out and calms me down. Do the good things outweigh the bad?
I am also having second thoughts about my new job. I have been there for two months now. I have enjoyed the job until this week when my boss has been blaming me for things that others are doing and yelling at me for things that I wasn't trained about. It is not my fault that I was not trained properly. I guess they want me to be a mind reader, but I just can't take it. I also don't find it fair that they tell me one thing and I go and do that and then then next day they change their minds and blame me for doing the wrong thing. My second doubts escalated yesterday when my boss threatened to spank a child. Abuse is something I will not tolerate. It is sometimes such a negative working environment. Is this the type of place that I want to work at?
Things with my boyfriend haven't been going so great lately. We have been having mini arguments and I have been sadder and sadder around him than usual. I know that we are opposites, but its getting to be too much when he doesn't want to compromise at all. Its all what he wants to do and nothing what I want to do. Just not fair. I'm just asking for compromise. Then, this weekend, we did something he wanted to do = go to a bar. I finally got up the courage to sing karaoke and he when I looked around while I was singing. It was my first time and I was so proud and he wasn't there. He was outside smoking or flirting with someone else, or God knows what cause i couldn't find him after. It upset me. I probably over reacted but I got really upset and it caused an argument that night that didn't really end for a while. The next morning I was so depressed that I had self-destructive thoughts and had to call my therapist to calm me down. I am just starting to wonder if this relationship is the one I have always dreamed of. We have LOTS of good time too. He makes me happy, makes me laugh, is very supportive and is always there for me when I need him. He balances me out and calms me down. Do the good things outweigh the bad?
I am also having second thoughts about my new job. I have been there for two months now. I have enjoyed the job until this week when my boss has been blaming me for things that others are doing and yelling at me for things that I wasn't trained about. It is not my fault that I was not trained properly. I guess they want me to be a mind reader, but I just can't take it. I also don't find it fair that they tell me one thing and I go and do that and then then next day they change their minds and blame me for doing the wrong thing. My second doubts escalated yesterday when my boss threatened to spank a child. Abuse is something I will not tolerate. It is sometimes such a negative working environment. Is this the type of place that I want to work at?
Friday, October 9, 2009
Enough
Am I not enough for my boyfriend? Why do we always have to have "plans" to hang out?
It's Friday! Yay! And one of my favorite things about Fridays is that I get to see and hang out with my boyfriend. I don't really see him during the week. We don't live together and he works crazy hours sometimes, so I look forward to Fridays.
Tonight I was and still am looking forward to seeing him, but because we don't have "plans" with other people he now wants to scrap hanging out with me because "we have nothing planned to do". I don't understand. Why does we need to have a group to hang out? Am I not good enough? Does he need a distraction from me? It confuses me. It makes me wonder about our relationship.
Now I know I could be totally over-reacting here, but it just bothers me.
It's Friday! Yay! And one of my favorite things about Fridays is that I get to see and hang out with my boyfriend. I don't really see him during the week. We don't live together and he works crazy hours sometimes, so I look forward to Fridays.
Tonight I was and still am looking forward to seeing him, but because we don't have "plans" with other people he now wants to scrap hanging out with me because "we have nothing planned to do". I don't understand. Why does we need to have a group to hang out? Am I not good enough? Does he need a distraction from me? It confuses me. It makes me wonder about our relationship.
Now I know I could be totally over-reacting here, but it just bothers me.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Serenity Now
I got the apartment!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is all mine as of October 15th!! I am super excited. Finally, a place of my own. Peace. Quiet. Serenity. PRIVACY! I can't wait, I am just so very excited!
I am not sure how to tell my mom. As I have said before she is completely and totally overemotional. I know that she will cry at this news even though the apartment is less than 5 minutes from here. I feel this is a happy event, and should be happy news. But she will feel that even though I am 30 years old, that I am abandoning her. She would be ecstatic if we all stayed at home forever and never moved out.
But due to my recent psychological discoveries that my mother and this environment make my depression and anxiety sky rocket, I feel it is the right time for me to start healing and live in my own place.
I am so excited. I am meeting with the landlord this weekend and going to bring my boyfriend to see the apartment. I can't wait!
It is all mine as of October 15th!! I am super excited. Finally, a place of my own. Peace. Quiet. Serenity. PRIVACY! I can't wait, I am just so very excited!
I am not sure how to tell my mom. As I have said before she is completely and totally overemotional. I know that she will cry at this news even though the apartment is less than 5 minutes from here. I feel this is a happy event, and should be happy news. But she will feel that even though I am 30 years old, that I am abandoning her. She would be ecstatic if we all stayed at home forever and never moved out.
But due to my recent psychological discoveries that my mother and this environment make my depression and anxiety sky rocket, I feel it is the right time for me to start healing and live in my own place.
I am so excited. I am meeting with the landlord this weekend and going to bring my boyfriend to see the apartment. I can't wait!
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Paging Doctor Librarian
Since doctors have not helped in my sleep seizure issues, I have decided to take things upon myself and do a little research. I went to the library today and found tons of information on epilepsy, sleep disorders, and the best doctors in the New York metro area who specialize in seizures. Through hours of reading and scanning and flipping through pages I have found something that sounds VERY similar to what I am experiencing. It is called nocturnal frontal lobe epilepsy and I have many of the symptoms.
Now if I found that in just a few hours of focus and time, how come several doctors could not figure this out?
Read all about this crazy disorder that I may have at http://www.mayoclinic.com/print/frontal-lobe-seizures.
Now I just need to find a doctor to either confirm or deny this and to effectively treat this for me so I can start to live my normal life again.
Thanks to the librarian at Kinnelon Public Library for her superb help and kind words. I don't remember your name, but you helped me more than any doctor I have seen in the last six months. Thank you!
Now if I found that in just a few hours of focus and time, how come several doctors could not figure this out?
Read all about this crazy disorder that I may have at http://www.mayoclinic.com/print/frontal-lobe-seizures.
Now I just need to find a doctor to either confirm or deny this and to effectively treat this for me so I can start to live my normal life again.
Thanks to the librarian at Kinnelon Public Library for her superb help and kind words. I don't remember your name, but you helped me more than any doctor I have seen in the last six months. Thank you!
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