Yo-Yo weight

I've been trying to lose weight. I say trying cause I haven't really lost any. I started on January 4th and have lost only 5 pounds at the most. But really my weight has fluctuated between losing 2 - 6 pounds.



It is discouraging. I really am trying. I eat much smaller portions and I am eating healthier. I exercise more than I did before. And yet, nothing. I am about to give up.



I feel now anxiety about eating. I worry that if I eat I will never lose weight. So I have cut out my night time snack for the most part. I try not to eat unless I am hungry. I don't know what to do. Someone told me that I am not eating enough to lose weight. And I understand how that may be true. I just am not hungry for it.



I lost weight last spring without even trying. Just lost 15 lbs over a 2 month period and I wasn't even trying! Then because of medication I gained it all back. Now I am trying and not losing. SO frustrating. Is my medicine preventing me from losing the weight? Should I start eating around the clock (even though I am not hungry for it)?



I need some motivation! I need some support! I need help!

Once Happy

Our friends are getting a divorce. The husband cheated on his wife and they are separating.

I have so many thoughts about this. It makes me sad to see two friends go through this. I am worried about their well being and about how their children will handle it. I know that we will have to be there for them as they go through these hard times.

It is impossible to know what happened to lead up to these events. No one knows what goes on in any relationship behind closed doors. We tend to think that everything is fine. With the growing number of divorced couples, I find it hard to believe that everyone is doing peachy.

It also makes me think about myself and my relationship, which I know is really selfish while this is going on. I just don't want that for us. We need to commit to each other that no matter what the issue is that we talk it through and work it out. If you love each other enough, you can work through anything.

I guess our friends lost their love somewhere along the way. Its sad to see a once happy couple have to go down this path. I will support their family. If this is the decision that they feel is best for their family, than we will be there for them to offer support, comfort and friendship.

What is Love?

What is love?

Love is kissing me on the forehead whenever I feel sad. Love is taking care of each other when sick. Love is protecting me from ones that are unkind or rude. Love is holding each other as we fall asleep. Love is talking about not only the important stuff but the trivial stuff as well. Love is sharing a good laugh together. Love is being there when times get tough. Love is making me feel special and accepting me for who I am. Love is understanding. Love is not trying to change me even though that me may not be perfect. Love is patience that goes beyond what you think you had. Love is unconditional. Love is knowing that you will be in each other's hearts for the rest of your lives. Love is indescribable. Love is unexplainable.

There aren't enough words or thoughts to describe what love is. It is unspoken. It appears but never leaves.

That is what love is in my world (or at least what I can put into words). I love being in love!

It's 5 o' clock somewhere

I am very concerned about my boyfriend.

On Thursday night, he told me he wanted to go out with the boys. So he went with my blessing.

At 3 a.m. I am awoken by my phone ringing. My boyfriend never calls so when it was him I thought something was really wrong. I answered with a concerned "Hello." He was drunk. He told me that our friend drove him home because he was drunk and was upset that his car was still on the street. He wanted me to come pick him up to go get his car. I refused since I was warm in my bed and he was in no condition to drive. I told him I would pick him up the next day to get his car but not before.

But now I have more of the story. I talked to the designated driver about what happened. He told me that my boyfriend was so drunk that even the bartenders were worried. They were going to call a cab. Our friend told me that he has never seen him this bad.

My boyfriend drinks more often than anyone I know. That's not saying that he drinks a lot all the time, just the opposite. He drinks maybe one drink but drinks it everyday. Then on the weekends he will drink but not get drunk usually. But I have never met anyone who needs a drink before going to the movies or to bowling (two things I enjoy doing but never get to do because he prefers bars). I never met a family who at 5 p.m. start drinking a rum and coke. His mom drinks while watching television every night.

He has an excuse for it every time. "I'm Irish," "It's 5 o'clock somewhere," "Come on, its the weekend," "I had a bad day at work," "I just need a drink to calm down," "One drink isn't going to hurt". I've heard them all. I'm just tired of hearing it.

He says that he wants a future with me, but I have no desire to be married to or have children with someone who is a drunk. I am not spending my life with someone that will need a drink before seeing me walk down the aisle or need a few drinks before our children's soccer game.

What my boyfriend needs is help. He needs to go to therapy. I don't think he drinks enough to go to a rehab, but he definitely needs some sort of help. I am hoping that Thursday night kicked some sense into him, but I don't have high hopes for it.

Some would wonder why I stay with a drunk. Don't I deserve better? Perhaps. But I know him. I care for him. I want him to get better. If I didn't love him, I would just let him be a drunk without me. But since I do, I want to see him get help. With that being said, there is also only so much I can take. If he refuses to get help and this continues, I will have to say goodbye to him. That in itself, may be what it takes to get through to him, but I know that he also needs some support to get through it.

I wish I knew how to get him the help that he so desperately needs.

Rub Me, Baby

Why doesn't my boyfriend realize that sometimes instead of having sex I would prefer to have a really, long, relaxing back massage instead? Which if done really well would be orgasmic itself.

I'm not saying I never want to have sex again, I'm just saying that sometimes a good massage is better than a good fuck.

I give him back rubs and massages enough, its my turn.

The Ride

My boyfriend and I have been closer than ever since the fight that I thought was the end.

It leaves me a little confused but I am going with the flow. It makes me happy when he is happy and its been really nice that he is so loving. I guess he really does love and care for me.

It has me wondering what will happen when the next fight happens. Obviously, I'm not hoping that another fight will happen. But couples argue and I know that is normal. So, the next time he says something hurtful, I hopefully will stay calm and talk to him about it right then and there. That way a few days later he can't say that he didn't mean it that way or change his story. And hopefully that way we can discuss the issues and solve the problems immediately rather than waiting and getting upset for days.

For now, I am going to enjoy the ride!

The End?

Last night, I went out with my boyfriend and a few friends. We were at the bar and having a good time for a little while until my boyfriend just left me at the bar alone to go talk to some girls across the room. He says that he was trying to find a lady for our single friend, but I can't be so sure. After a while of sitting alone with no one to talk to, which let me tell you is OH so much fun, I got bored and tired from a long day at work. My boyfriend noticed that I was losing steam but seemed mad about it. I told him that I wanted to go home but he was having such a good time that we wound up staying for another hour while I pretended to be happy and awake. After that hour, I really wanted to go home. I was exhausted. I have had insomnia for about three weeks so my energy level is low. I just wanted to lay down. I gave my boyfriend a few options because I know that he was having a good time and didn't want to take him away from him. I told him that I would drive home and then pick him up when he was ready or that he could drop me off and then go back. I really was fine with these options. If I wasn't I wouldn't have offered them. He decided that we would both just leave. When we get home, he is mad. He is angry that I took him away from his friends. But he wasn't just mad, he said some very hurtful things that I just can't get out of my head. He said that he was happy that I was in his life but happier when I wasn't around. He said I was selfish and needy because I wanted to spend so much time with him. Keep in mind that I don't live with him so I only see him on the weekends and the occasional weeknight, but apparently that is too much time for him to spend with me. It just really hurts.

This morning he acted like nothing was wrong. I wasn't feeling good and he tended to me and seemed concerned. I had to call out sick from work not just because I wasn't feeling good but also because I was still upset from last night but trying to hold it in around him. In hind sight, I wish I went to work to keep my mind off of it.

I know that we have both been frustrated about work and we could be taking it out on each other. I'd like to think that is all that it is but I may be fooling myself. I don't know. I just don't want to feel like this anymore but the thought of breaking up terrifies me. I do love him and I don't want it to end. At the same time, I just can't feel sad all the time and worried about whether he really wants to be with me.

I don't know if he even remembers what happened last night. This is the way it always happens with us. We get into a fight. He blames me and thinks he can do no wrong which makes me frustrated and angry. He says some hurtful things. Then the next day we don't talk about it, we just go on with our day and when we see each other again we are back in our happy world. Its like an abusive relationship with the honeymoon period.

I'm not being selfish but its not all my fault. I am not saying that I am not to blame for all of it. But it takes two people to be in a relationship and he is not perfect either, though he thinks he is.

I don't know what to do. I am confused, angry and hurt (again). Is this the end?