Dance the Night Away

I started ballroom dancing lesson. SO MUCH FUN! I love the classes, love the people, love the dancing.

I was really happy about going to class until Monday. I had my individual one on one class...which was awesome. But after we had a group class, where I was one of the only single girls there (there was one other single woman there and the rest were all couples.)

I love going to dance class because when I am there, I don't feel different or single. It is me and my dance instructor in my own perfect dancing world where I am enjoying myself and learning something new in a place where no one is judging me. Then group class came and while the couples were dancing I sat on the sidelines and watched or had to dance with the female instructor. I am sure that no one there was judging me or even looking at me like I was different but I couldn't help but feel that way. It put me into a more depressed mood for the last few days, where before dance class always put me on a high for a while. I have another class tomorrow and I am not as excited for it as I was before.

I understand that I decided to take up a hobby that is meant for couples. I just never felt alone while I was there until then. I am sure that I am the only one that would feel that way after a group class but I just can't help it. Hopefully, individual class tomorrow will bring back my happy spirits about dance.

Depressed

I can't hide my depression anymore. I was good about faking happiness for a while but now its getting pretty difficult to act.

I don't know what to do. I am seeking help. I have made an appointment with a psychologist.

There is so much that depresses me and gets me down. I hate myself. I don't trust the decisions I make because most of the decisions I have made were the wrong ones.

I moved back to New Jersey to be happy. I'm not happy. I lived in Maryland...I wasn't happy. I had a great boyfriend...I wasn't happy. I'm never happy. This leads me to believe that I will not be happy no matter what, so why bother trying.

I miss my ex-boyfriend. I miss him terribly and often times I feel like if I had him in my life even as only a friend that my life would be happier. It's hard. Everything I do, or see, or read reminds me of him. Constant reminders of him. How can I get over him when I can't get him out of my mind?

I wish I had friends here. I left my friends in West Virginia and Maryland. My friends from New Jersey have all moved away since college and the only thing I have here is family but what if thats not enough.

I am lonely. I sit at home with my parents almost every night. I have no one to go out with. And tonight my brother said "how can you meet another boyfriend when you never go out". Am I supposed to go out alone with out friends? The sad part is that most times I don't want another boyfriend. I am not over my last boyfriend and I am not sure if I am the girlfriend or marriage type. I would like to move out of my house and I feel like I would do much more if I wasn't living with my parents getting constantly judged for what I do (or don't do)

It's too much for me to handle. With all this, who wouldn't be depressed?

My Phone Date

Am I not worthy of a man who is NORMAL?

So, I had a phone date with John, a guy I met online. First of all, he didn't call until 11:30 at night, after I had emailed him asking why he didn't call (actually I wrote.."You never called tonight...should have known"). So I answer the phone and he admits that he forgot to call me, forgot all about me. Excuse me? Why would you admit that? So, I am not even in a relationship with him and he already makes me feel like crap by forgetting me.

Anyway, conversation was weak. I had to keep prompting conversation so that it would keep going. Because of this, I got bored easily. The only time he kept the talk moving was when he wanted to talk about sex. I understand that sex is an important part in any relationship, however, do we need to talk about sex before I even know what you do for a living or how many siblings you have? He even asked me if I wore a one piece bathing suit or a two piece. Who asks this in the first 10 minutes of talking with someone...and he got disappointed when I told him I wore a one piece.

Are all guys freaks or do I just attract these lovely individuals? Is there anyone out there who wants to get to know me without picturing me naked within the first two minutes of meeting?

Should I just stop now before I get really frustrated? Is this a lost cause?

Read, Deleted

I just don't get it.

I may not be the hottest, sexiest or skinniest girl out there, but I am not ugly by any means. I have lots of personality and am easy to talk to and get along with.

Why then, has every guy on these online dating sites ignored me? All my sent messages are "read, deleted". I don't get it. What is so unattractive about a 29 year old woman , who has a decent job, a sense of humor and a knowledge of the game of football? Apparently I am not a good catch. This I don't get. I understand that not every person out there is going to be attracted to me, but not one guy on there is....NOT ONE! Come on.

Then, just when I was about to delete my profile from this silly site, a guy named John wrote me. He was nice and interesting. Conversations went so well that he wanted to call me tonight. So I foolishly gave him my number, finally thinking that this will go somewhere. He never called.

Why the runaround? Why say you are going to call when you have no intentions of doing so? Why lead a girl on?

I hate the dating world. The only reason why I am still in it is because as a single girl I have no choice. All single people are in the dating world whether they like it or not. Its sad. I'd like to check myself out of it like a bad hotel. Oh well. I'll stay at the one star motel...against my will.

Every Little Thing

I have been particularly upset lately.

My birthday is coming up. For most people, this would cause happiness and excitement. For me however, it just reminds me of what I don't have and of memories of what I used to have. I keep thinking these thoughts that usually start out like "Last year at this time..." or "On my birthday last year..." and they all involve my ex-boyfriend or living on my own or seeing old friends that I no longer live near. It's upsetting.

Everyone keeps asking me what I have planned for my birthday. Honestly, I don't have anything planned because I don't have ANY friends around here. One would think I would since I grew up here but I don't. So not only do I have the miss of my ex-boyfriend on my mind but I have the increased loneliness due to a lack of friends. Is something wrong with me to have caused my friendless and dateless life? It's pathetic.

All this sadness and loneliness has put me in a mood that has caused me some problems with work. I have been getting stressed more easily and today I snapped at a co-worker which led to a meeting with my boss. Every little thing is annoying me and I am more sensitive to comments that otherwise wouldn't bother me at all.

I wish I knew what to do to prevent these feelings and the fallout caused by the feelings. I with I could have prevented all of this...hindsight is 20/20.

I hope to have a great birthday, a great day and a great year. I just wish I had someone to share it with.

My Twinkie

I have a friend named Angie. She is someone I met in college while living in the dorms. We have grown to be great friends, sisters really. I call her my "twinkie" cause when we were in college people used to think that we were twins. We kinda look alike and were ALWAYS hanging out together. We could look at each other and know what the other was thinking (this has freaked out several of Angie's dates...our non-verbal communication skills are unmatched!)

I love this girl. She is my sister. She is my twin. She is always there for me no matter what, even if this means that she drives from Ohio getting two speeding tickets in the process because she knew I needed her to be there for me. When I am sad or depressed, Angie always knows the right things to say (or not to say). I know that she will love me no matter what and not judge me. It is unconditional love....like a twin would have for her sister.

My point in writing this is that all one needs are great friends to get by. Recently, when I was upset and missing my ex, Angie knew what I needed...someone to listen and to share advice and to get my mind off of it by making me smile.

I can't imagine life without my friends, no matter how far away they are in distance, they remain close to me in my heart.

Thanks Twinkie for all that you do! I love you!

Still Mourning

Here is a conversation that I had with my mother on Sunday. I don't remember how this came up but it did. Here it is:

Mom: Do any of your co-workers have a brother or a son they could set you up with?
Me: I don't know and to be honest I don't really care (As if all I talk about all day is my being single)
Mom: You're not getting any younger.
Me: What does that mean?
Mom: Well you want to have children, don't you?
Me: Number one, I don't know if I want to have children. I won't know until I find the right person to share that with. Number two, I don't know if I can have children with all the ovarian problems I have had
Mom: *tsk* You'll never find anyone with that attitude.
Me: Well, I'm not sure if I am ready for another man but when I am hopefully one will come into my life but finding a mate should not be rushed.

I stopped talking to her after that.

SEE what I put up with!

It bothers me that my mom would rather have my settle just to be with someone rather than fall in love or that she thinks that this is so easy to achieve. Sometimes I think that my mom would rather have me fulfill society's stereotypical expectations. I wish that she would understand that I am not fully over the past yet and would stop pushing me and making me seem like a freak for not having a boyfriend.

Can't she be more supportive about it? I'm just not ready. I thought I was but I am not.

A friend at work gave me great advice. She said that breaking up is not much different than mourning a death. You have to grieve the loss of this person in your life and for all the hopes and dreams that you had together. You must mourn, you must grieve and this takes times. Everyone mourns differently. Some take a little time and others much longer but one shouldn't be made to feel bad if it takes them longer than others. Take the time to mourn.

I am still in mourning and that's okay with me.