Every Little Thing

I have been particularly upset lately.

My birthday is coming up. For most people, this would cause happiness and excitement. For me however, it just reminds me of what I don't have and of memories of what I used to have. I keep thinking these thoughts that usually start out like "Last year at this time..." or "On my birthday last year..." and they all involve my ex-boyfriend or living on my own or seeing old friends that I no longer live near. It's upsetting.

Everyone keeps asking me what I have planned for my birthday. Honestly, I don't have anything planned because I don't have ANY friends around here. One would think I would since I grew up here but I don't. So not only do I have the miss of my ex-boyfriend on my mind but I have the increased loneliness due to a lack of friends. Is something wrong with me to have caused my friendless and dateless life? It's pathetic.

All this sadness and loneliness has put me in a mood that has caused me some problems with work. I have been getting stressed more easily and today I snapped at a co-worker which led to a meeting with my boss. Every little thing is annoying me and I am more sensitive to comments that otherwise wouldn't bother me at all.

I wish I knew what to do to prevent these feelings and the fallout caused by the feelings. I with I could have prevented all of this...hindsight is 20/20.

I hope to have a great birthday, a great day and a great year. I just wish I had someone to share it with.

My Twinkie

I have a friend named Angie. She is someone I met in college while living in the dorms. We have grown to be great friends, sisters really. I call her my "twinkie" cause when we were in college people used to think that we were twins. We kinda look alike and were ALWAYS hanging out together. We could look at each other and know what the other was thinking (this has freaked out several of Angie's dates...our non-verbal communication skills are unmatched!)

I love this girl. She is my sister. She is my twin. She is always there for me no matter what, even if this means that she drives from Ohio getting two speeding tickets in the process because she knew I needed her to be there for me. When I am sad or depressed, Angie always knows the right things to say (or not to say). I know that she will love me no matter what and not judge me. It is unconditional love....like a twin would have for her sister.

My point in writing this is that all one needs are great friends to get by. Recently, when I was upset and missing my ex, Angie knew what I needed...someone to listen and to share advice and to get my mind off of it by making me smile.

I can't imagine life without my friends, no matter how far away they are in distance, they remain close to me in my heart.

Thanks Twinkie for all that you do! I love you!

Still Mourning

Here is a conversation that I had with my mother on Sunday. I don't remember how this came up but it did. Here it is:

Mom: Do any of your co-workers have a brother or a son they could set you up with?
Me: I don't know and to be honest I don't really care (As if all I talk about all day is my being single)
Mom: You're not getting any younger.
Me: What does that mean?
Mom: Well you want to have children, don't you?
Me: Number one, I don't know if I want to have children. I won't know until I find the right person to share that with. Number two, I don't know if I can have children with all the ovarian problems I have had
Mom: *tsk* You'll never find anyone with that attitude.
Me: Well, I'm not sure if I am ready for another man but when I am hopefully one will come into my life but finding a mate should not be rushed.

I stopped talking to her after that.

SEE what I put up with!

It bothers me that my mom would rather have my settle just to be with someone rather than fall in love or that she thinks that this is so easy to achieve. Sometimes I think that my mom would rather have me fulfill society's stereotypical expectations. I wish that she would understand that I am not fully over the past yet and would stop pushing me and making me seem like a freak for not having a boyfriend.

Can't she be more supportive about it? I'm just not ready. I thought I was but I am not.

A friend at work gave me great advice. She said that breaking up is not much different than mourning a death. You have to grieve the loss of this person in your life and for all the hopes and dreams that you had together. You must mourn, you must grieve and this takes times. Everyone mourns differently. Some take a little time and others much longer but one shouldn't be made to feel bad if it takes them longer than others. Take the time to mourn.

I am still in mourning and that's okay with me.

The Next Step

I am not really experienced in dating. So when it comes to online dating, I am clueless.

I am particularly clueless about the timing of things when it comes to online dating. I have been talking to this one guy through email for over a month. I have become very interested in him and would like to go to the next step. I emailed him my phone number about a week ago. He hasn't called but we continue to communicate through email on a semi-daily basis. The emails are wonderful. I look forward to reading them everyday. We even call each other cutesy names like "sweetie" and "baby".

So why won't he call me?

I used to be afraid of meeting the guys from the online world, but with him it is different. I can't wait to meet him. I look forward to that day. There are still things I worry about with meeting him but for the most part I am excited for it. Maybe he's not.

I don't understand if he is just scared to make the next step or if he just wan't to take things really slow. If he isn't interested in me wouldn't he have stopped emailing me by now? If he doesn't want to go further than emails then why is he on an online dating site to begin with?

I am mostly just confused by it. I will continue to email him because I love talking to him. I just wish I knew what to do next.

Shut Up

Sometimes I say things and don't think. And then a minute or two after I say it, I completely regret it and know that there may be repercussions from saying it. This happened today at work and I immediately regretted it and felt like a dumb ass. And when this happens, it is all that is on my mind and I can't stop thinking about how stupid it was to say it. I am dreading walking into work tomorrow, but already have the speech prepared in my head caused I have been obsessed about it in my thoughts.

I sometimes wonder if this wonderful trait of mine is why I have trouble baiting a man in the online world of dating. See, I start talking to guys, get to like them and then after oh a week or two of great emails, they suddenly stop all communication with no explanations what so ever. This has happened 4 or 5 times so far. I am getting frustrated and losing confidence over it more and more.

If I could just shut myself up before I say something stupid than maybe I would be more lucky. But I feel like I shouldn' t have to change myself. Can't I find myself a mate that accepts and loves this awesome quality of mine. Can't I find one that sees past the awkwardness I feel in these first few stages of dating. Aren't they feeling weird and awkward too? Maybe its just me.

A Friend's Love

The past few days I have been a little depressed. Not hysterically sad or crying, just a little down, a little blue. I haven't been acting like my happy self.

I went to work and thought that it would be the worst days ever. Slow moving, sad, crying at any moment days. But that wasn't the case. I had the greatest days I have ever had a work. I am surrounded by supportive, caring people who show me love everyday.

And then I realized. That is all that is important. Not necessarily love from a boyfriend or beau, but love from a friend. A friend's love is unconditional. A friend's love is forever. A friend's love is all I need.

Adult Definition

I recently got into an argument with a former friend. We were slinging things back and forth to each other. Then she said, "I don't expect you to understand, I have a mortgage, children, a house and a business to run. Grown up problems that are for grown ups. " I'm sorry. Am I a child that wouldn't understand these "grown up problems?" And just because I don't have a husband or children that doesn't mean that I am not an adult. I am 28 years old and have bills, payments, loans, a career....that all sounds grown up to me. I may not have children but that doesn't mean I haven't grown up.

I know that she said that in the heat of the argument, but why is that always the point that is brought up. I may not understand what it means to be a mother but I still have issues of my own that are very adult.

To society, will I never be an adult unless I am married with children?