I am sad, concerned, hurt, mad, frustrated and most definitely confused.
My boyfriend and I got into a fight last night over something very dumb. I admit that I totally lost my cool and got angry because I was frustrated and over tired. When I left his house this morning things seemed ok. We kissed goodbye and all he said was "you were very grouchy last night" with a smile and a chuckle. So I thought everything was ok. But he hasn't returned my calls or text messages. I instant messaged him and got no reply. So I am worried that he is either really mad or going to break up with me.
I cried on my drive home from work. I am thinking too much. He may just be busy and that is why he hasn't written. I didn't just cry because of the possible break up. I cried cause I just don't want to be angry and have these emotional outbursts or think that I am not good enough for him anymore. It's just not fair to me to be feeling like that all the time. I get help for my emotional issues and I work on them the best that I can. But damn it, I am good enough and if he can't see it then that is his problem.
OH UPDATE: He just wrote. He is mad. He said he is tired of it always being about me me me all the time. I think that he is trying to blame all the issues on me when it takes two to be in a relationship. I think it is a lot of him him him too. We always do what he wants to do, which usually consists of drinking at a bar (something I hate to do). But I do it to be with him. I can count on my right hand how many times he has come to my house. I always have to go to his. So for him to say that it is all about me, is just wrong. When I told him that I thought this, he said "then you'd be wrong" and "you're a fruit loop". I told him that I am trying to work on my issues but what about him working on his issues. Why is it always up to me to change me when he should be working on himself too.
I'm really at a loss as to what to do. I have been sad and confused all day. I can't go through another break up. I barely survived the last one. I just don't know what to do. I am consumed with too many thoughts and I don't like it.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Under the Weather
Yesterday, I wasn't feeling good, something I am not over today. I went to the doctor and was told it was a virus and to rest for the next few days.
Wednesdays are my usual date night with my boyfriend. It has been since we started dating. We usually do something that he wants to do, which usually means that we go to a bar somewhere. Last night, we had plans to go to the Colorado Cafe. I wasn't feeling good so I told him that although I wish I could go, I just don't feel up to it. He was not so understanding. Even though he said that my being sick was "aok with him", later on he gave me grief about it and tried to guilt me into going. I wouldn't give in, since I knew that once I went with him I would be stuck there for the duration of the night even though I had no energy and didn't even want to drink. He was even saying that I wasn't really sick, that I just had social anxiety and was using the virus as an excuse. Do I need to get a doctor's note now to excuse myself from activities with my boyfriend?
He is sick quite often and I have always been understanding, but because my illness interferes with his bar hopping he gets mad. Shouldn't he be more caring?
He hasn't talked to me since 7 p.m. last night. I texted "goodnight" to him, something I do every night, but no response. Seems ridiculous to me to be that upset about being sick.
I don't regret my decision to stay home. I fell asleep on the couch at 8:30 and just woke up about 13 hours later. So obviously I wasn't up to going out. I just wonder how long he will hold this against me since he has a knack for punishing me for certain things. Just not fair.
Wednesdays are my usual date night with my boyfriend. It has been since we started dating. We usually do something that he wants to do, which usually means that we go to a bar somewhere. Last night, we had plans to go to the Colorado Cafe. I wasn't feeling good so I told him that although I wish I could go, I just don't feel up to it. He was not so understanding. Even though he said that my being sick was "aok with him", later on he gave me grief about it and tried to guilt me into going. I wouldn't give in, since I knew that once I went with him I would be stuck there for the duration of the night even though I had no energy and didn't even want to drink. He was even saying that I wasn't really sick, that I just had social anxiety and was using the virus as an excuse. Do I need to get a doctor's note now to excuse myself from activities with my boyfriend?
He is sick quite often and I have always been understanding, but because my illness interferes with his bar hopping he gets mad. Shouldn't he be more caring?
He hasn't talked to me since 7 p.m. last night. I texted "goodnight" to him, something I do every night, but no response. Seems ridiculous to me to be that upset about being sick.
I don't regret my decision to stay home. I fell asleep on the couch at 8:30 and just woke up about 13 hours later. So obviously I wasn't up to going out. I just wonder how long he will hold this against me since he has a knack for punishing me for certain things. Just not fair.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Happy Anniversary!
My boyfriend and I celebrated our first anniversary on New Year's. We re-created the night that we first met (well the best that we could) and it was wonderful.
Can you believe it, a whole year?
Happy Anniversary to us!! YAY!!
Can you believe it, a whole year?
Happy Anniversary to us!! YAY!!
Missing Teaching
I think I hate my job. Actually I am mostly sure of it.
I thought that I would enjoy being a preschool director. I was a director before and loved it. But this school is different. Besides only being allowed to sit in an office all day and not interact with the children, the owner of the school is not only mean to me but also is cruel to the children. It is horrible what I hear her say to the children, it is just not acceptable. The school also is not following any state licensing regulations and is in fact breaking many of them. How this school remains licensed is a mystery to me.
I was never fully trained at this position so I go through work daily feeling incredibly unsure and unconfident in myself. Any one who knows me knows that if it is one thing that I am confident in it is my knowledge of child development and my ability to teach children. This job has zapped me of all of my confidence in what I do, what little I had left after my last job.
Today really bothered me. I am educated in how to teach children and how to make teachers and schools a better place for families. I am not trained in how to be a secretary and office manager. I do not know how to use quickbooks except for the bare minimums. I do not want to be in charge of the finances of not only the school but two other companies as well as my boss' personal finances. When I was hired they neglected to tell me that this would be the only thing that I would be doing and instead told me everything that I wanted to hear. Today, I told my boss that I think that there is less money in the accounts than she thought and I got in trouble. I felt terribly bad about it and I know part of it is my errors. But also, I was not trained in how to use quickbooks so how the hell was I supposed to know what to do. So she called the accountant and I had to sit in the office all day watching him do his work while being made to look foolish and feeling stupid.
I think that I actually miss teaching. I miss being creative and being a part of children's lives. I miss interacting with children and seeing that a-ha moment when they finally got something. I miss being in an environment where a child's uniqueness is fostered not diminished. I want to be in a more positive learning environment.
I feel like I may be making a mistake if I leave my current position. Am I meant to be a teacher and just a teacher? If I leave will I be able to do everything that my current flexible schedule allows? I think the flexible schedule is the only thing keeping me at my director job, is it worth it?
I thought that I would enjoy being a preschool director. I was a director before and loved it. But this school is different. Besides only being allowed to sit in an office all day and not interact with the children, the owner of the school is not only mean to me but also is cruel to the children. It is horrible what I hear her say to the children, it is just not acceptable. The school also is not following any state licensing regulations and is in fact breaking many of them. How this school remains licensed is a mystery to me.
I was never fully trained at this position so I go through work daily feeling incredibly unsure and unconfident in myself. Any one who knows me knows that if it is one thing that I am confident in it is my knowledge of child development and my ability to teach children. This job has zapped me of all of my confidence in what I do, what little I had left after my last job.
Today really bothered me. I am educated in how to teach children and how to make teachers and schools a better place for families. I am not trained in how to be a secretary and office manager. I do not know how to use quickbooks except for the bare minimums. I do not want to be in charge of the finances of not only the school but two other companies as well as my boss' personal finances. When I was hired they neglected to tell me that this would be the only thing that I would be doing and instead told me everything that I wanted to hear. Today, I told my boss that I think that there is less money in the accounts than she thought and I got in trouble. I felt terribly bad about it and I know part of it is my errors. But also, I was not trained in how to use quickbooks so how the hell was I supposed to know what to do. So she called the accountant and I had to sit in the office all day watching him do his work while being made to look foolish and feeling stupid.
I think that I actually miss teaching. I miss being creative and being a part of children's lives. I miss interacting with children and seeing that a-ha moment when they finally got something. I miss being in an environment where a child's uniqueness is fostered not diminished. I want to be in a more positive learning environment.
I feel like I may be making a mistake if I leave my current position. Am I meant to be a teacher and just a teacher? If I leave will I be able to do everything that my current flexible schedule allows? I think the flexible schedule is the only thing keeping me at my director job, is it worth it?
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Addition
"Most people miss their whole lives, you know. Listen, life isn't when you
are standing on top of a mountain looking at the sunset. Life isn't
waiting at the altar or the moment your child is born or that time you were swimming in deep water and a dolphin came up alongside you. These are fragments. 10 or 12 grains of sand spread throughout your entire existence. These are not life. Life is brushing your teeth or making a sandwich or watching the news or waiting for the bus. Or walking.
Every day, thousands of tiny events happen and if you're not watching, if
you're not careful, if you don't capture them and make them count, you could miss it.
You could miss your entire life."
From the book Addition by Toni Jordan.
I just read this wonderful book, an excellent read. It reminded me a little of me and my boyfriend. I was perfect just the way I was when we met, just as he was perfect for me that cold New Year's Eve in 2009. You just have to accept each other and continue to love each other unconditionally. This book also reminded me to look at the little things, it will change your life.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Not So Skinny, But Still Beautiful
I was talking to my boyfriend on IM.
He at first told me that he was not pleased by my text message to him this morning. I wrote him to tell him that I was upset, frustrated and stressed over my medical issues. Doctors still have not found a diagnosis and with each test that comes back normal I get more and more hopeless and depressed. He told me that I am "causing myself to be a victim" says I should "look past the doom and gloom and say all is well." And said "so what, you don't have the answer yet, move on." He feels that I shouldn't worry about the medical issues at all--that they will be solved when they get solved.
That was just the beginning, then he mentioned my weight. I have gained weight despite my efforts of eating much less than I used to. I believe the weight gain is due to the drugs I have to take to stop the seizures from happening. We have one of his company events to go to this weekend and the dress I want to wear he says may not fit due to the weight gain, even though it fit just a month ago. I told him that I am sure that it will fit, but if it doesn't no big deal, I'll buy another dress. He said "well you should worry about it and worry a lot about it." Now I understand that weight gain can become a health problem, but we are talking about maybe 10 pounds over the past 3 months or so. It's not like I have ballooned up to 300 pounds in 3 months. But that's besides the point.
Let me get this straight, I shouldn't worry about my health and medical issues but I should overly worry about the 10 pounds I have gained! It just got me thinking about how society has put such an emphasis on our looks and our weight that now people think that being skinny is more important than being concerned about medical issues. There is something seriously wrong with this world if I am expected to accept that having seizures nightly is normal as long as I am skinny. Or that I should stop taking the medicine just to lose the weight it made me gain in the first place. It really really bothered me.
As a preschool teacher, I am going to start one by one teaching the children I have care to accept people of all shapes and sizes. It may be a small dent in the problem, but at least I will hopefully make a difference in a small part. We need to teach this to children young, that people of all types, colors, sizes, shapes, orientations, races and religions are what make this country great. Accept and learn from all them.
I can't believe that my boyfriend even would say that to me. Seriously, he is worried about my weight more than the fact that I have seizures at night. Something needs to be said to him because that just isn't right. I am beautiful just the way I am (even if I did gain 10 pounds).
He at first told me that he was not pleased by my text message to him this morning. I wrote him to tell him that I was upset, frustrated and stressed over my medical issues. Doctors still have not found a diagnosis and with each test that comes back normal I get more and more hopeless and depressed. He told me that I am "causing myself to be a victim" says I should "look past the doom and gloom and say all is well." And said "so what, you don't have the answer yet, move on." He feels that I shouldn't worry about the medical issues at all--that they will be solved when they get solved.
That was just the beginning, then he mentioned my weight. I have gained weight despite my efforts of eating much less than I used to. I believe the weight gain is due to the drugs I have to take to stop the seizures from happening. We have one of his company events to go to this weekend and the dress I want to wear he says may not fit due to the weight gain, even though it fit just a month ago. I told him that I am sure that it will fit, but if it doesn't no big deal, I'll buy another dress. He said "well you should worry about it and worry a lot about it." Now I understand that weight gain can become a health problem, but we are talking about maybe 10 pounds over the past 3 months or so. It's not like I have ballooned up to 300 pounds in 3 months. But that's besides the point.
Let me get this straight, I shouldn't worry about my health and medical issues but I should overly worry about the 10 pounds I have gained! It just got me thinking about how society has put such an emphasis on our looks and our weight that now people think that being skinny is more important than being concerned about medical issues. There is something seriously wrong with this world if I am expected to accept that having seizures nightly is normal as long as I am skinny. Or that I should stop taking the medicine just to lose the weight it made me gain in the first place. It really really bothered me.
As a preschool teacher, I am going to start one by one teaching the children I have care to accept people of all shapes and sizes. It may be a small dent in the problem, but at least I will hopefully make a difference in a small part. We need to teach this to children young, that people of all types, colors, sizes, shapes, orientations, races and religions are what make this country great. Accept and learn from all them.
I can't believe that my boyfriend even would say that to me. Seriously, he is worried about my weight more than the fact that I have seizures at night. Something needs to be said to him because that just isn't right. I am beautiful just the way I am (even if I did gain 10 pounds).
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Merry - Go - Round
Life on the home front has not been so great for me lately. Put aside the fact that still living with my mother at the age of 30 is taking a huge hit on my emotional status, my brother moved back home recently and it is causing me more stress than I like to have at home.
My dog, Randy, has never been a fan of my brother, Joe. He has always barked and growled at him when seeing him or upon my brother's arrival. My brother doesn't help this relationship by being mean to Randy and just overall not making an effort to be nice at all.
Since my brother has moved home, Randy's barking and aggression toward my brother has become worse. It seems that Randy has enjoyed a Joe-free year and is really angry that he is back full time. All week Randy has been barking, almost constantly at Joe, leaving me with a headache and a lot of stress.
Since my brother is not making an effort to calm this situation, I have stopped attempting to quiet Randy. I used to try, but it has been way to stressful and I can't deal with it anymore (have I mentioned the major week long headache that won't go away).
I'm not sure where to go from here. I can't stand the barking, I can't stand the meanness, I love them both, I'm tired of being stressed in my own home.
There are other stresses at home that have been straining to me. My brother lives in the room next door (the big beautiful room that used to be mine, but my mom refused to let me move back in there even though Joe moved out. That is a whole other set of issues that cause me emotional pain). My brother and his girlfriend aren't always quiet. I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping. Some of the lack of sleep is due to medical issues, but some is due to the noise level coming from the room next door. For a person that needs to dedicate as much time to sleep as possible due to the medical problems, having some noises next door is not welcoming.
Seeing my brother and his girlfriend sleep here every single night, also makes me a little jealous. My boyfriend never even comes to my house let alone sleep over. I always have to sleep at his house and it is usually on the weekends. So, I have a little envy over their relationship, since I would love to see my boyfriend every day, but don't.
I really need to move out. I don't know if I can't take much more. But that puts me in a hard spot because I can't afford to move out right now. Apartments are expensive around here and I don't make that much money. And then that reminds me of how I don't like my job and want to make more money and around and around we go.
I just want the stress to end. Make the merry-go-round of emotions end.
My dog, Randy, has never been a fan of my brother, Joe. He has always barked and growled at him when seeing him or upon my brother's arrival. My brother doesn't help this relationship by being mean to Randy and just overall not making an effort to be nice at all.
Since my brother has moved home, Randy's barking and aggression toward my brother has become worse. It seems that Randy has enjoyed a Joe-free year and is really angry that he is back full time. All week Randy has been barking, almost constantly at Joe, leaving me with a headache and a lot of stress.
Since my brother is not making an effort to calm this situation, I have stopped attempting to quiet Randy. I used to try, but it has been way to stressful and I can't deal with it anymore (have I mentioned the major week long headache that won't go away).
I'm not sure where to go from here. I can't stand the barking, I can't stand the meanness, I love them both, I'm tired of being stressed in my own home.
There are other stresses at home that have been straining to me. My brother lives in the room next door (the big beautiful room that used to be mine, but my mom refused to let me move back in there even though Joe moved out. That is a whole other set of issues that cause me emotional pain). My brother and his girlfriend aren't always quiet. I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping. Some of the lack of sleep is due to medical issues, but some is due to the noise level coming from the room next door. For a person that needs to dedicate as much time to sleep as possible due to the medical problems, having some noises next door is not welcoming.
Seeing my brother and his girlfriend sleep here every single night, also makes me a little jealous. My boyfriend never even comes to my house let alone sleep over. I always have to sleep at his house and it is usually on the weekends. So, I have a little envy over their relationship, since I would love to see my boyfriend every day, but don't.
I really need to move out. I don't know if I can't take much more. But that puts me in a hard spot because I can't afford to move out right now. Apartments are expensive around here and I don't make that much money. And then that reminds me of how I don't like my job and want to make more money and around and around we go.
I just want the stress to end. Make the merry-go-round of emotions end.
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