Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

I will be ringing in the new year with the people who got me through the year...my friends. These are friends that I just met this year through dance class, but I already know that these are people that I want in my life.

So we single people will be hanging out together when the ball drops.

There will be no kiss at the stroke of midnight for me, but there will be lots of friendly hugs and love.

Using Sarcasm as a Shield

Whenever my friends come to town, it's exciting. I can't wait to see them and hang out like we did back in high school, which usually brings us to a diner, a bowling alley and talking in the parking lot for hours. This Christmas was no different. My usual high school friends and I found ourselves splitting appetizers at the diner, bowling a few games at the local alley and hanging out in the parking lot because we don't want the night to end.

It makes me happy to see them and brings back old memories. But it also saddens me. It reminds me that I don't have everything that I want and a lot of times I find myself being jealous of my married friends and realizing that they are WAY more successful than I am in so many different ways.

I already feel like that on the inside, so I really don't need a friend saying those sentiments out loud. I got the impression that they think that I am stupid, making comments about how I get lost in my own town and that I couldn't do the math of what change I should get back after buying a drink. At the end of the night, my one friend was talking about how her sister is such a loser cause she still lives with her parents and hasn't made anything of her life. She described my life. I still live with my Mom (even though I really don't want to be) and I am in the same industry as her sister works in. I was hurt. I joked back with sarcastic comments but inside I wanted to cry. Is this what they think of me?

As much as I love spending time with them, it also reminds me of a life that could have been mine. It could have been me that was married with two kids. And I try not to think about the decisions I made or regrets that I have but it is hard when you are spending a few hours with a constant reminder of what could have been.

It's hard. I don't have many friends that live local, so I cherish the times with the friends of my past. But as I get older and more time goes by, it's getting harder and harder to hang out because of how I feel afterwards.

I don't know if I can do this for years to come, as much as I want to. It's just getting hard.

Standing Alone

I went to a holiday party tonight and I realized that I have a bit of social anxiety. Actually I have always known this but I think it is maybe getting worse.

I can be a very confident girl....sometimes. So this doesn't make much sense to me. Also, this was a party where I was around several friends. It was a huge party and I didn't know everyone but at the very least I knew ten people there. But I still was uncomfortable. I am just not fully myself at these things and I don't really know how to get over this.

I often feel left out at these things. There were several times tonight that I stood there alone while others were having conversations. Why couldn't I just join them in conversation instead of standing there? There were times I wanted to dance but just didn't have the courage to ask someone to dance with me.

I have always been awkward in big social situations like this but I never used to go to many so I would just suck it up once a year. But now that I go to several a year, I would like to enjoy myself a bit more.

Is there anything I can do to come more out of my shell or is this so ingrained in me that it will never change?

Love Being Single

Being single doesn't mean I have to have a downer of a Christmas. Here are some of the reasons why I am happy to be single during the holidays.

1) I can spend my money how I want to. Which means that I can get my family and friends special gifts and even buy myself something a little something. And if I want to splurge on extra gifts for my dog, no one is going to criticize me for it.

2) I can spend my time how I wish. Which means I can go to any holiday party I want to and I don't have to drag someone with me who doesn't want to go. I can also spend all my time with my family and friends on the holiday. I won't have to split time between families or spend time with in-laws that I really don't like. I also won't have to spend hours at the mall trying to find the perfect gift. And it does take hours, sometimes more, because I am a horrible gift giver. And this way, all my thoughts can be put to thinking up gifts for my loved ones and not for a boyfriend.

3) I have the right to flirt. At said holiday parties, I won't have to stick like glue to someone who doesn't know anyone there. I can mingle. And most of all, I can flirt. With anyone and everyone if I want to and not feel at all guilty. I can (and most likely will) flirt with every hottie there and not even care what the outcome will be. I will make it my goal to be THE girl at the party instead of just a girl at the party.

4) Being unmarried means that I will get gifts that are meant for me, and not for the house or the couple. Which means instead of getting towels or an appliance for Christmas, I will be unwrapping a sweater or shoes (and we all know how I LOVE shoes!)

5) I have the right to be selfish if I want to be. Which means if I want something for myself I can make it happen. I can buy myself extra gifts with the money I saved from not buying that gift for the boyfriend (Hello new ballroom dancing shoes!) All my goals for 2009 can be completely about me and not satisfying a significant other. Which means I can go back to school or find a new job or dedicate my free time to a hobby of mine. And I do plan on doing all of that and more because I can!

Would it be nice to have someone to kiss under the mistletoe? Of course. But I won't let that put a damper on my holiday. Maybe I can kiss several guys, who knows. The possibilities are endless.

Happy Holidays! Enjoy!

Too Much Thinking

Sometimes in moments of poor judgment or perhaps of pure sadness, I find myself wishing things were different and that I didn't break up with him. That last about a 20 seconds and then I remember all the crappy things he did while we were together and I become thankful that I got out.

It's like he didn't care for me. Like how he had me move in with him, even though it was 4 hours from my home and I did it. I sacrificed and I made the move. I thought it would make me happy too. But as I sat alone in the apartment crying that first night, I realized that maybe it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. He said that when I arrived he would leave work early so we could have our first meal together. I should have realized what the relationship was going to be like when he didn't leave work until 9 when he could have left at 5. I cried that whole night. I should have came home the next day.

Instead, I stayed for two more years. And it never got better. He was never home. He worked a lot and even when he could come home early, he didn't. Who knows what he was doing. I was left isolated in a place I wasn't familiar with and had no friends there. On the weekends, I wanted to spend it with him. I would plan dates and activities to do. And he would never want to go. He would rather have slept or sat on the couch. I was disappointed...and bored.

I remember when he said that he would go with me to get my dog's pictures taken with Santa. I waited all day and was so excited. It was Randy's first Christmas since I adopted him and I really wanted to go as a family to get the picture done. When he got home, he had totally forgotten that we were supposed to go. When I reminded him, he said he was too tired to go. I ran upstairs and cried for 2 hours. Then after I decided to take Randy myself. He came only cause he felt bad, but complained about it. I think he came cause I took control of the situation and was going to go by myself. He wanted me to stay home, I refused so he came but I don't know exactly why.

I sat in that apartment, day after day, hour after hour. Alone. Just me and the dog. He would accept new hours that would cause him to work until midnight. He kept saying that he would look for another job, but he never did. We never spent time together. I tried, but I don't think he wanted too. It doesn't surprise me that our relationship didn't last.

But even though I knew it was coming, it was still a shock to me when he told me one night that he decided to move back in with his parents. He kept saying it was because I wanted to come back to Jersey, but that's not the case. If I knew it could have worked out there I would have tried to make it work. But he was already gone. He decided without even discussing it with me, that he was going to move back home to his parents, even though he hadn't lived with them since high school. Sign of a desperate man, I suppose. I knew it was coming, but I still cried for days. I was in a really low place. How could he do that to me? He didn't care.

I tried hard to make a good home for him. I cleaned the house and made dinner for him. I don't know if he ever appreciated it. I don't know if he ever cared. Maybe it wasn't good enough for him.

Bottom line is that he didn't love me the way that I deserve to be loved. And I tried to love him but he didn't want that. Then by the time he wanted it, I already fell out of love with him and grew more and more frustrated with him.

I say that I am over him, but the truth is I don't know if I could trust another man. I guess I have tried to learn from my mistakes. I am definitely more cautious, but am I too cautious? And maybe I don't deserve the love that I think I deserve. No, that's not true. I deserve love. Everyone does. But will I ever find it? What if the next guy doesn't think its good enough either? I'm scared. I try to remain hopeful but deep down I am frightened. What if it's me? What if I am not capable of being the girlfriend? Great at friendship, bad at relationships.

Don't get the wrong idea and think that I want him back. I don't. I just don't understand some things. And some things you never get over. Most things you learn from and move on. I'm confused. I did everything I could in that relationship to make it work, but it still didn't last. So, if I gave it my all last time, who's to say that the next time, no matter how hard I try, that it will fail again. I know there is no formula for success or for love but how long do I have to wait?

Everyone tells me that once you find the one that you are meant to be with that it all falls into place. It will work out no matter what because that is what true love is.

I want that feeling...true love. I want to know what that feels like. I bet it's amazing.

(Damn, the holidays. Making me think again)

This Christmas

Today I got out my box of Christmas items that I accumulated while I lived with my now ex-boyfriend. There are some things in there that are just regular Christmas ornaments. Then there are other things that have special meaning and I will never be able to use again cause they remind me of him.

It has left me feeling a little sad. Like something is missing. That's been happening a lot lately. My brother moving into his own place has left me jealous and reminiscing. And now with the holidays...I don't know if I am going to get out of this funk.

Last year was my first Christmas back home after the break up and I was a little sad but also thankful to be back home. This year I am a little sad but I think it is for a different reason. I am jealous and a bit upset, but I certainly don't miss the ex-boyfriend. I am just sad that I haven't found love again. I guess I thought it would happen by now. I have been single for a year and half now and I was hopeful that by the second Christmas home that I would have someone to share it with. And since I don't, I just was wondering if I ever will find that person. Will I find him by next Christmas? I don't want just anybody, this time I hope he is "the one". But Santa, could you please bring him soon? I'm losing hope.

Exhausted

So, the doctor called and told me I have Epstein-Barr Syndrome. He said that this is caused by the mono I had in the beginning of the year. Apparently, once you have mono it remains dormant in your body, so it's able to reactivate at anytime. And now mine has reactivated, since my body was already weakened from the Vertigo. Isn't that great? I'll be battling this for the rest of my life! I was finally feeling better from the Vertigo and was looking forward to returning to work soon and all that was blown away with a single phone call.

I know that I wasn't feeling fully better. I have been exhausted over the last two weeks, have been sleeping for over 10 hours a night and still waking up tired. I knew something was wrong with my body but I was hoping that the fatigue was the result of being inactive. You know how sometimes you grow tired from not being busy.

He told me that rest was the only cure for it and to just wait it out again. Meanwhile, I have to stay home from work for even longer than I planned and I am a little worried about my job security. Will they hold my place for me? I think that they will have to hire someone to take my place, at least temporarily. They thought I would be back in a month and I have already been out for double that so now that I will be out for triple or quadruple what was originally planned, what will they do? With the economy being the way it is, why would they keep someone that they have to pay disability to when they can hire someone cheaper to do the job? Someone told me that they can't legally do that, but I am sure that there are ways for them to get around it if they want to. In fact, thats how I lost my last job. I got mono, was out for 3 months and didn't have a job once I was better. So, you have to understand why I would be worried.

It just has me a little stressed. I know that it all happens for a reason. Maybe I should just concentrate on resting and getting better and not on work. Doctor said to avoid stress. So I will try to do just that, watching re-runs of Desperate Housewives on DVD and painting Christmas ornaments for everyone.

Now I think I will take a nap. Doctor's orders.

Type Casting

There are a few types of guys in a single girls life. Some are date-able, some we pine over and others we avoid at all costs.

There's the guy you want but can't have. You flirt with him, you exchange looks with him, you joke and laugh with him, you talk with him often but for some reason or another he is unavailable to you. Maybe he has a girlfriend of his own. Maybe he is unattainable because of the position he is in. But he is off the date potential list for some reason. Sometimes as a single girl, you let this man out of your mind and other times you make a game out of flirting with him. But always know that he will never be your boyfriend, so that is all it is....a game.

Then there is the guy who thinks of you only as a friend. He hangs out with you, calls you, texts you, talks to you but that is as far as it will ever go. Even if you want it to go further, it never will. He just wants you as a friend for whatever reason. The more you try to date him, the further he pushes you away, so eventually you give up and accept that he is your acquaintance, but really you are hoping that he will change his mind one day and fall head over heels for you.

There is the guy who you think of as only a friend. He is a nice guy. You know he is a good person and probably would make a great boyfriend but for some reason you just aren't attracted to him. It's confusing to a single girl because he is a great catch. It would make sense to want this guy with the kind personality who is super polite and opens doors for you but you just aren't attracted to him and have no explanation for it.

Then there is the guy who you avoid at all costs. He thinks he is God's gift to women and is only after you for the sex. He has confidence in some things but not in everything. He will flirt with every girl in the place in hopes that one of them accepts his offer. He may be the desperate one. He may be the cocky one. All you know is that he is the one that you can't stand to be around. You try to become suddenly busy when he walks in the room. Your statements are short with him in hopes that he loses interest in the conversation. Sometimes you don't even know why you hate him, but you do and you can't wait until he walks away and leaves you alone.

Then there is the guy who walks into your life and changes it. You may not like him when you first meet him or you may want him as soon as you lay eyes on him but one day you'll realize that you can't live without him. That is the man of your dreams, the love of your life. And we all hope that someday we will meet that special person that will change our life for the better.

Diagnose

I've been really down this past week. It probably has been brewing for a while but I'm definitely feeling it the past few days.

As you know, I haven't been feeling well for over a month. I put my trust in doctors and I have pretty good ones. But I have lost my faith in them a bit. After feeling like crap since August, they still don't know what is wrong. And now my symptoms are changing. It used to just be dizziness so they diagnosed me with vertigo. Now, I am so tired that I am sleeping over 11 hours a night and still not waking up feeling rested. What is going on with my body? I am frustrated, tired, and scared and no one is helping. The doctors don't know what is wrong or how to treat. My mom keeps pushing me to go back to work and I feel like I lost some of the new local friends I made before the sickness. I have been home with little social interaction for 6 weeks now. I just want to feel back to normal.

Feeling sick is enough to put someone into a funk. Being isolated and disconnected from the world can push someone into a depression.

And then there is jealousy.

My brother moved into a new apartment a few weeks ago and I am COMPLETELY jealous. I want nothing more than to move out of my Mom's house and into a place all my own. Oooooh...my own place...privacy...quiet...being able to walk around naked. It is a dream of mine. One that will never come true. But my brother is living my dream. His place is beautiful and it reminds me of the times I was out living life on my own. I am jealous. And the jealousy has made me a little depressed.

The holidays are coming up. It's the most wonderful time of the year. I want it to be a happy holiday. I know that it won't be for my family. It will be the first Christmas without my Dad. Is it wrong of me to want a happy holiday when my family will be sad about the loss of my Dad? I feel like it is wrong for even wanting to celebrate it. But I want to...I want to celebrate it and be happy and go shopping and decorate and enjoy the most wonderful time of the year without feeling guilty about it. I don't think that is going to happen this year and it makes me sad that I have to pretend to be sadder than I really am because my family is in a down period.

What do I need to do to get out of this funk? :(

Photographs

I have had two days to think after the wedding and four days to think after Thanksgiving and I'm not happy. I would say I am sad and depressed after having time to process the events.

Thanksgiving was held at my brother's place this year. Usually, my Mom would cook and we would all hang out together watching football and eating. My brother just moved into a new apartment a month ago to live with his girlfriend. I am happy for them but also insanely jealous. It also reminded me of the times when I lived with my boyfriend and made me sad that I have lost that.

My Mom has a tradition. She takes a picture of her children in front of the turkey before it is carved. It used to be of me, my sister and my brother. Then my sister moved out and it was just of me and my brother. Last year it was of me and my brother and my dog (who was staring at the turkey ready to devour it...very funny pic). This year, my Mom took a picture of my brother and his girlfriend in front of the turkey. I wasn't asked to be in the picture at all.

My Mom is obsessed with taking pictures. When we went to the wedding, she took a lot of pictures. My brother was in the wedding party, so of course, she took lots of pictures of him in his tux and at the ceremony. She took lots of pictures of him dancing with his girlfriend at the wedding and lots of pictures of him sitting at the table talking with his girlfriend. She didn't take one picture of me.

I know that at my age I shouldn't be jealous of my brother getting more attention from my Mom. But I can't help but wonder if my Mom thinks I am a failure. The whole time at the wedding she kept talking to me about how I didn't have a boyfriend. And when others at our table asked about my date, she said, "Oh, he couldn't make it. He had to work." Is she embarrassed by me? Why did she have to cover up the fact that I came to the wedding alone?

I have always felt like I kinda failed at life. I think that since I was a child I was told that I will grow up, get married and have a family. Now that I don't have that, did I fail? I certainly am made to feel like I did. How does one measure success in their life when they don't have much in life to feel successful about? Am I a failure at life?

Going Single, Part 2

So my first wedding alone was not that bad. The ceremony was beautiful and touching. The bride and groom looked lovely and it really showed how much they love each other. It was really beautiful.

The reception was nice. Of course, I had to sit with my mom. At first it wasn't that bad. But by the end she was driving me nuts. She was attached to my hip and I couldn't even go to the bathroom alone....drove me crazy. She has no confidence in herself and wouldn't even go to get a soda by herself...she made my brother do it! It was really ridiculous.

Anyway, at first I was a little shy. I danced a little but not much. I found myself sitting at the table a lot. And there was a period of about forty-five minutes where I was really not having a good time. My mom was annoying me and I got a little sad that I didn't have anyone to share the day with. It also got me down watching all the couples dance to the slow songs.

That's when I realized that I have to make my own fun. If I wanted to have a good time, I was going to have to create it. So, I got up and danced. I even danced with people I never met. The DJ knew my name from a conversation I had with him at cocktail hour and he would get on the microphone and cheer my dancing on!! Then I started having a great time. I was smiling a lot, laughing a lot and enjoying my time there.

I realized that you can't let anyone hold you back from having a good time (even if it is your mother). You are in charge of your attitude. Make it a positive one. When I decided to have fun at this wedding, I did, but only cause I made sure that I did.

So it doesn't matter if you go to a wedding alone or with a date, it's your attitude that makes the difference.

(And hopefully at the next wedding, I won't have to sit next to my Mom)

Going Single, Part 1

So tomorrow is Ryan's wedding. Ryan is a family friend of ours and he is finally marrying Trish, after dating her for a year. I am proud and happy for him and can't wait for the wedding.

I am going dateless to this event. I invited my dancing friend to come but he has to work (or so he says) so I am going alone. I am a little worried but also looking forward to it at the same time.

I haven't gone to a wedding alone since 8th grade, so this is new to me. But I feel like an event like this may be a good place to meet a guy. I plan on looking fabulous. I have the perfect green sweater picked out that will fully accent my beautiful green eyes. I had my hair cut last week. I am wearing my black and white heels, that fit comfortably and look hot. Add makeup, smile, and lots of confidence and I am going to be THE girl to be with at the reception.

There is a snag to my whole plan of meeting someone and being all that I can be....My Mother. My mom is also invited to the wedding and is also going alone for the first time in over 30 years. She will want to hang out with me ALL day since she won't know many people there. She also has a way of knocking down my confidence and embarrassing me. Oh, and did I mention that she drives me CRAZY! I love her but she makes me go mad. She has no confidence in herself to mingle around and meet new people so she will be hanging by my side ALL night putting a damper on my plans.

And of course, as happy as I am for Ryan and Trish, I get a little depressed at a wedding or couples event like this. It just reminds me of what I had and what I lost and what I no longer have. And I often believe that I will never have all that....the wedding and fairy tail ending.

But I won't let that stop me. I will still go to this and have a great time. I'm going to dance my butt off and we'll see what happens.

I'll let you know how it turns out.

I Am Thankful

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Thanksgiving is a day that reminds us what we are thankful for.

I am thankful for:

1) Unconditional Love. The love that my dog, Randy, gives me everyday. The love that the three year olds that I teach give me. They don't care what I look like, what my skin color is, if I am single, if I have had a bad day. They love me anyway, no matter what. And I love them for that.

2) My Health. Finally getting over the vertigo and feeling back to normal. I am also thankful for having a wonderful doctor who has listened to me and cared about me. Thanks Dr. P!

3)My Family. As much as I complain about my family, I do love them. No, Really, I do. I am thankful for what they have provided me...shelter, food, a home, love. They have supported me through some hard times and I am grateful for that.

4) My Grandma. I never realized how cool my Grandma is until my Dad died and I took over the role of putting drops in her eyes every evening. Every night, she tells me funny stories, talks about when she was a child, and gives me advice from another perspective. She is wonderful and I never appreciated her as much as I do now. I love her! I am thankful that she is with us still and that I was able to have the time to get to know her before she passes away. Thanks Grandma.

5) My Friends. Though they may be spread across the country, they are always there for me when I need them and even when I don't need them. We share laughs, memories, futures. My old friends give me comfort and support when I need it and I know that I can go to them for anything and they will still love me no matter what. They are my extended family and I love them deeply. My new friends I hope become my extended family too. I love getting to know them and appreciate all the different things that they bring into my life.

6) Dance. I love to dance! I am happy that I found this new hobby this year and am glad that I had the confidence to walk into that dance studio for my frist lesson. It has brought me joy to learn how to dance. I am thankful to everyone at the studio, especially my instructor who has much patience for me and makes dancing fun!

7) Hot Tea. Oh how I LOVE my hot tea! It comforts me when I am sad and makes me warm when I am cold. My days wouldn't be as productive without my hot tea.

8) Facebook and MySpace. Sounds stupid, but through the magic of the internet, I have reconnected with some old friends and have been able to keep in touch with my long distance friends. Without my favorite social networking sites, I wouldn't be as up to date on the current events of my friends and acquaintances.

Most of all I am thankful for life and all that it brings. Even when sometimes it may bring me rough times, I am still thankful to be alive. And who knows, maybe one day life will bring me that Prince Charming I have been dreaming about. But until then, I am thankful to have my single life to enjoy.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Confusion

Just when I thought I had it all figured out by keeping Dancing Dude on the back burner, he texted me today. I do have to say that I am not as interested in him after his month long hiatus from me.

I don't quite know what to say about it. He says he hasn't called, written or texted because he was busy. I feel like he only knows me when no one else is around. Then he texts today and is ultra flirty and cute. Confusing.

I am very skeptical of him. He makes plans with me and then ditches out. He promises and doesn't deliver. And to be honest, I deserve more than that because I am worth it. If he doesn't see it, that's his problem, his loss.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about myself, relationships, love (or in my case a lack of love) and I think I will remain hopeful but at the same time take a step back. I think I am going to stop looking for a little while. If someone special comes along, I am not going to push him away, but I guess I just want to be cautious. Maybe I am being too careful. I don't know. I don't know what to do anymore.

It's confusing, I am a very confident person but when it comes to dating and relationships I have no clue and lack confidence. After my last relationship, I don't trust my own decisions. I don't know what to do to regain the trust in myself...if it is even possible to do so.

I need help....lots and lots of help.

Mommy Dearest

Okay. I don't know where to begin when it comes to my Mom. I guess I want to start by saying I love her. I really do. She just drives me to insanity.

First off, my Mom is not the smartest person. She also has NO memory whatsoever. She isn't that old, but she just can't remember things. So, I have heard the same stories over and over and over and over and over again. I kindly listen, but not fully cause my mind will be elsewhere cause I have heard this already. She also will ask me the same question several times. This morning we were getting ready to do our Saturday morning shopping. She asked me once, "Do you have any books to return to the library?" I said yes and that I put them on the kitchen table. Then 5 minutes later she asked me again and I answered again. Then 2 minutes later she asked me again. I refused to answer her cause she must have heard me at least one of the times I told her. How can she possibly not remember something I told her 2 minutes ago? Or is it that she just isn't listening?

My Mom cannot make a decision for herself even if it was to save her life. This is the part that drives me CRAZY. She is such a nervous person and she asks my opinion about everything. What do you want to eat for dinner? How should I drive to the mall? What should I order for dinner? What are you ordering? Okay, I'll have the same thing then. And when she offers an opinion she finishes the statement by saying "don't you?". She'll say something like, "I think she's pretty, don't you?" And if I don't agree she'll retract her opinion and change it to agree with mine! It drives me crazy. I don't understand how one gets through life with no memory and no self confidence in the decisions they make.

She is such a nervous person. Everything makes her a "wreck". She was a "wreck" going to the DMV this morning. I understand that no one likes going to the DMV. It can at times be a sucky experience, but there is no reason to be overly worried about it. We have a wedding to go to at the end of the month. A family friend of ours is getting married and she is a "wreck" about it. I know that it may be hard for her ( this will be the first wedding since my Dad passed away), but she is most nervous about driving there. The reception is in Pennsylvania and she is afraid that the weather will be snowy and she doesn't know where the reception is. She has asked me to drive her...I haven't fully agreed yet cause if I have a date for the wedding (which if you read my blog you will know is HIGHLY unlikely) I would be driving with them. We were discussing the driving situation the other day and she yelled in the middle of it "Well I don't know where I am going." I yelled back, "No one knows where they are going. They sent directions...follow them." She acts like she is the only one that doesn't know what they are doing. Life is all about new experiences and learning from them. She refuses to learn.

I'm not sure how to deal with it anymore without losing my mind. I may have already lost it. I need help.

(Speaking of weddings, anyone out there free the Saturday after Thanksgiving that wants to drive out to Pennsylvania and spend time with people they don't know? No......Okay.....another adventure alone......oh yeah, not alone I forgot I'll be driving my Mom. oh can't wait!)

I'm not an evil person, I really do love my Mom. I think I'd love her more if I moved into my own place. Oh well.

Memories

Last night, I started thinking about all the good memories I have from my last relationship. I do have some really nice memories with him. I started to miss him a little bit last night....then I remembered all the bad things and I realized I'm better off without him.

I don't miss him, I miss being loved and in love. I miss having someone to share things with. I miss having someone to cuddle with until I fall asleep. I miss having someone to bounce ideas off of. I miss having a partner to laugh with, to talk to, to dance with, to cry with. I missed being kissed and hugged. I miss the friendship and the companionship that we shared. I wonder if I'll ever have someone to share my life with again.

I'm usually accepting of my single self. But the last couple of days I've been down and pessimistic about it. I really am beginning to feel like I'm gonna be single forever. I really just want to be loved. I miss being loved .

And things lately seem backwards. Everyone keeps telling me how great I am but they won't date me. Guys want to be my friends but forget about being my boyfriend...thats out of the question for them. And my one and only single girlfriend, the one who I thought could never keep a boyfriend, is engaged to be married. What happened? Is is me? Is it them?

Is my prince charming out there? I want to make more memories.

You've Got Mail

I miss my friends. I miss the friends that I haven't seen since high school. I miss the friends that I haven't seen in a few months. I miss the friends that I haven't seen in a few weeks. I just miss my friends.

Since I have been home with vertigo, I haven't seen some of my daily work friends and I haven't seen some of my weekly dance friends. I have been alone in my house for most of the day. Being by myself most of the time has given me some time to keep in touch via the internet with some friends that I haven't seen or heard from in years.

Through the magic of Facebook and MySpace I have reconnected with some that I've lost track of 10 years ago. It's interesting to learn what people are doing, where people are located and what all has happened since college and high school. I enjoy learning about how the teenage high schoolers have turned into smart, interesting and lovely adults.

Everyone is so successful. Most are married. Some have children and all have great jobs. Everyone is living out on their own (and not with their mothers like I do sadly) and everyone seems so happy. I don't have much. I am a single girl with no children and my job isn't that great. I sometimes feel like I haven't grown as much as my friends and that sometimes leaves me with nothing to add to conversations. I often feel left out.

So I try to find common ground. Usually, its being single. I have a few friends that are single like me. I have one friend in particular that talking about single life is exactly how we reconnected. After all the single advice and conversations about dating, now we talk about anything....politics, dancing, work, life in general. It really makes me wish that we were better friends in high school and that we kept in touch over the years. I know that we were all different in high school and maybe that is why we weren't close back then. You know what it doesn't matter. What matters is that we are friends now. I look forward to my daily emails and enjoy talking to him.

What I wonder about all my reconnected friends is how long it will last. Are people just being friendly? Who knows. I guess I should just be happy and live for now. I'm glad that I've reconnected. Now I'm gonna go check if my inbox has new messages.

Facade

It's funny how you never know what others truly think about you.

Until they tell you.

Last night my mother did just that. And it became clear that my brother is her favorite (which I have known since childhood). She said that my brother is emotional, sensitive and caring. And then said that I am strong and that I don't care about anybody but myself.

In a way, I see her point. I am a strong and confident person. And because I am so confident, I tend not to care what others think about me, cause this is me and there is no changing it. But on the other hand, I care so much about what others think of me that I held myself back from doing things for fear of what my parents would think. Something I am just now starting to get over.

I really don't think that my Mom knows who the real me is. I am a totally different person around her than I am around my friends. In fact, I am the most emotional person I know. I just try to hide it from her. I put up a very good facade.

It really hurt me when she said that last night. I now know what she thinks of me...that I am a horrible person who doesn't care about anyone. That hurts. Now I know what she really thinks of me.

Am I a bad person? Do I know the real me?

My Priority

Since I have had vertigo, I have had LOTS of time at home to think about my current single status (among other things).

I have decided that I am going to put full effort into bettering myself. I want the best for me. I decided to go back to school for my Master's degree. It is something that I have put off for a while and I feel like now may be a good time to go for it. I am definitely at a point in my career that I want more and to do that I will need to further my education.

But not only that, I am just tired of holding myself back. I have put lots of things off for other people=my parents, relationships, work. I am tired of it. So I am putting the most important person in my life first....ME! No longer will I care what others think of me. No longer will I put things on the back burner for other people. What's most important is me. My life. My health. My happiness. (Maybe if I had thought of my health 3 or 4 months ago, when the dizziness started, that maybe I would be better by now and not on a leave of absence from work). My priority from now on is me. I am going to work to achieve some of my dreams and my goals and in the meantime maybe a man will find that attractive and sweep me off my feet.

It doesn't matter who you are or what you do. Your top priority should and always be you. Because without you, who would you be?

Today, I leave you with a quote from Sex and the City that describes how I feel lately being single while surrounded by new engagements and weddings. (Seriously, is there something in the water around here?)

"Think about it. If you are single, after graduation there isn't one occasion where people celebrate you . Hallmark doesn't make a "congratulations, you didn't marry the wrong guy" card. And where's the flatware for going on vacation alone?"

Where's my flatware?

Stop Looking Already

I got some dating advice (again) tonight. My friend said that when you stop looking the right one will come to you. Everyone has heard this saying before. But what he said is that you have to be honest about it. You REALLY can't be looking....AT ALL. You almost have to push people away, the right one will stay even though you are pushing them out.

I think that he may be right but that is SO hard. If a guy asked me out right now, I am jumping at the opportunity since I have had ZERO dates in a year and a half. So I would take that opportunity and run. He said that when dating you must be equal parts playing hard to get and being available. So you must make yourself available but you have to be in control of it. Don't be available all the time. Reject the guy a couple of times then make yourself available to him. This is hard advice to follow when you are looking for a man. But see above, if you aren't looking it's easy to do this. Nothing that is achieved cheaply is valued in the end.

My friend said that the way to get guys to approach you is to make yourself the center of attention (in a good way) no matter where you are. You want to be the one that everyone wants to hang out with. You have to become "that girl" as opposed to just "some girl". See, I feel that I do this. Maybe not everywhere I go, but for the most part if I am hanging out with my friends, I don't care what any one else is doing, I am having a good time. It's just for me that no one is approaching me and I don't understand why.

I think that the advice that my friend gave me is true. It's just applying it that is hard. I think that I will invest a little more in myself so that I can forget about being single for a while. Maybe then, when I am not looking, the right one will come along.

Engagement Envy

So, two of my friends this week got engaged (or are about to) and are buzzing with excitement as they should be. I am happy for them. They are both about to marry wonderful guys who treat them well and will live happily ever after.

Blah, blah, blah.

Yes I am happy for them. Really I am. But I started to notice just a little, itty bitty bit of jealousy starting to creep in.

See, my one friend, A, never had a boyfriend that lasted more than two weeks until this guy came along. And I am happy for her. But in college, she would find a guy and date him and break up with him for meaningless reasons like he didn't like to eat pancakes or he ate crackers in her bed. So needless to say we never thought that A would find a man that was worthy of her. She has high standards and this is not at all a bad thing. In fact, sometimes I wish I was as picky as she is, then maybe I wouldn't have moved to Maryland for a guy so quickly and therefore lost two years of my life. Anyway, in college, I was the opposite. I didn't have many boyfriends, but I could keep a man for a long term relationship. That is all I really have had is the long term relationship...its the short term dating that I have a problem with. I was willing to give a guy a chance and would accept his flaws and uniqueness, which is something A could not do.

Well, she found a man that she accepts. Fully accepts. Accepts his flaws and loves his unique qualities. This is HUGE growth for A and I am proud of her.

But I can't help but be jealous. No one thought that A would be the one to get married first. It's wonderful. It's great. It's exciting. I'm jealous.

Now that A is getting married, I will be the ONLY single girl out of all my friends. I will no longer have A to talk to for single girl advice and gripes. I will no longer be able to hang out with A for single girl fun. She will be just like the rest of them, living in suburbia with hubby, a house with a white-picket fence and a family to start. And leaving me alone. Now no matter who I hang out with of all of my friends, I will be the third wheel. I will be the only one unmarried and without children. I'm sad, depressed, jealous. I know I shouldn't be, but I can't help but be thinking about what could have been in my life.

I know that I am not the only single person in the world. But singles in MY world are becoming few and far between and I am having trouble accepting my role as the ONLY single girl in my group. With time, I will get used to it, I'm sure or I could be hopeful that one day it will be my day to announce my engagement, I just don't want to get my hopes up.

He's Just Not That Into You

He's just not that into you. Story of my life.

Apparently, and I am totally just guessing and overanalyzing here, but apparently my current little crush does not have a crush on me back. After talking / texting on a semi-daily basis for the past two months, he has suddenly fallen off the face of the planet and I have not heard from him in about a week.

Overanalyzing....maybe. Overreacting...perhaps. But it still leaves me confused.

So indulge me in my little crazy overanalyzing cause y'all know that I'm going to do it anyway.

Is it that he is just busy or is he really not that into me? He seems flirty when we are together and we get along just fine. We were talking on a semi-daily basis until this...nothingness. Is he on the other end thinking the same things about me...that I fell off the face of earth and am not that into him?

So, what does a girl do? Should I call him tomorrow and give it one last chance to re-spark, or do I just leave it be as if it doesn't really matter to me? I don't want him to think that I am not interested in him (even though he is showing that he is not interested at all in me). Those of you that know me know that I am not one to give up. I have been known to wait years for a guy to come around (which isn't necessarily a good thing).

Obviously I am not good at this dating thing and starting (and well keeping) relationships, so if you are reading this and you have any input, PLEASE help. I am getting tired of being single...not that I am trying to force anything, but I would like to get into the dating game rather than sitting on the sidelines.

Vertigo

I'm out of commission for a little while. I've been getting dizzy for a while now and the doctor told me today I have vertigo. No work, no play until it gets treated. That has me a little bummed, but maybe the break will be good for me. I have to go see a neurologist on Friday and then go from there. I hope that all goes okay at that appointment.

I'm a little worried, a little relieved, but mostly very sad that I have to give up work and dance (and therefore give up my social life) for dizziness, but health comes first. And once I'm treated, I'll be better than new.

Playing the Slots?

My friend recently gave me this dating advice. Her brother used to work security at a casino. He has a world of great casino advice, but at the top of the list is this: go to the slot that hasn't been used in awhile. The slot machines that people walk away from, aren't paying out. The machines that haven't been touched in awhile, for whatever reason, seem pay out when you walk up to them. When you're at a machine that seemed like it's gonna pay out, but doesn't, or has paid out, but stops, walk away. Try another machine.

A part of me wants to agree with her. You have to know when to keep putting change in and when to walk away. But I also feel that sometimes, people give up too quickly and that persistence can pay off. When dating, I feel that it all depends on the situation. Some walk away just when the guy was getting warmed up to the idea of dating you.

What I am saying is that it often takes time to get to know one another. And usually you are getting to know each other through a friendship and casual flirting. To give up just at the point when he is starting to get to know the real you is a loss and your persistence may pay off.

In other situations they are just blowing sunshine up your ass and they really want nothing to do with dating you but don't want to hurt your feelings by saying no.

I'm one to not give up. I am one to chase a guy that I liked in high school for over 5 years. I had a crush on him that just wouldn't go away. In college, he decided that he had feelings for me too that grew over time and we dated. Who cares that we broke up 3 years later. My point is that my persistence paid off and he did date me cause I didn't give up.

I feel that you can keep pursuing and he may still continue to reject you. But isn't part of the fun the pursuit. And why not keep chasing so long as it's still fun to you.

Keep putting the change in, eventually the slot will pay out.

Wish

I wish I understood why I am the ONLY single one in my group of friends.

I wish I understood why no guy wants to date me even though I may possibly be the coolest girl they know.

I wish I understood why a guy doesn't want to go out to dinner with me, even if it is only as friends (I mean, come on, it's a dinner not a marriage proposal for God's sake)

I wish I understood the statement "Alison, you are friendship material but not so much girlfriend material."

I wish I understood why playing hard to get works for everyone else but when I try it the guy just forgets about me like I fell of the face of the planet.

I wish I understood why a guy would not call me back after he asked me to specifically call him today.

I just wish I understood. I don't know if I ever will.

Blindness

I got a really nice compliment the other day. One of the nicest compliments I have ever received.

The manager of the dance studio told me that I was a very welcome addition to the school; that I have a great personality; get along and can talk to anyone. He said that I come in with a great attitude and have a very good sense of humor. He actually said I was a shining star and is happy that I joined the dance studio. It was really nice to hear that and I feel like he was being genuine. It meant a lot.

The thing is a lot of people have been telling me this lately. "You're so funny", "I love your bubbly personality", "You can talk to anyone, I wish I could be like that". If I am so great, (which trust me I am pretty awesome), then why I am still single? Can they not see what a great catch I could possibly be? I am not trying to show off or toot my own horn about how fantastic I am, not at all. I am just trying to understand it, that's all.

Are the single guys blind or are others just blowing smoke up my ass?

Accomplishment

One of my friends just emailed me for advice. He was saying that he feels unaccomplished around other friends when he has to tell them that his long term relationship has ended. He feels like he has wasted seven years of his life.

Why is it that one can only have a good life if they are in a relationship or are married? Like a single person doesn't have other things in life to be proud of. Just cause we aren't in a relationship doesn't mean we haven't accomplished other things.

I know that breaking up can totally suck...been there done that. But sometimes breaking up and surviving it is the biggest accomplishment one can make. If you can survive heartbreak and move on and make it, then you can survive anything. Surviving a break up teaches you. You learn who you are (and who you're not), what to do and not do in the next relationship, who you are looking for as a partner and how to deal with life when it throws you a curve ball. If you ask me, those who have been through heartbreak have accomplished more than those who have never experienced it.

And to my friend who emailed me, if you are reading this and I hope you are, I AM PROUD OF YOU!

Good at Friendship, Bad at Relationships

I have made a friend, a guy friend that I talk to often. I admit that the reason why I wanted to even talk to the guy at first was to date him, but after months of talking and hanging out, I get the feeling that he only wants to be friends. We are VERY flirty with each other, so I am not really sure what he is thinking and I sure as hell am not going to come out and ask him. I have accepted that we are friends and maybe eventually it will lead to something more.

I know that he cares a good bit about me. I haven't been feeling well and he calls or texts daily to make sure that I am okay. And he catches me when I am dizzy and about to pass out. Best of all, he is understanding and patient with me through it all...I know a perfect catch, right?

Too bad he just wants to be friends. Is he just scared to get into a relationship? Does he have feelings for me but the timing is wrong? I value his friendship, so I don't want to screw it up. Is it true? Am I good at friendship but bad at relationships?

Digits

So I FINALLY got the phone number from my little crush.

I called and left a message days ago in hopes that we could make plans for the weekend. The weekend came and left and he never called.

It leaves me with a lot of questions. Did he get my message? If he did then why didn't he call? Why would one give their number to someone if they had no intention on calling back? Why do guys play these games?

I know that I probably just thinking way too much into this...but I am just so confused.

Lost Opportunity

So, there is this guy that I am interested from dance class. We talk a lot while at dance class and we are often partnered up for such classes. We enjoy dancing with each other.

I have a little crush on this guy, but who knows if he actually is interested in me. During the last class he made some comments like "You can't have her, she's mine" and grabbed my hand when another guy wanted to partner with me. When he danced with another single girl that night so she wouldn't have to dance alone, he looked at me when he danced by and he jokingly said "Are you jealous that I have to dance with another girl?" I joked back "Totally, didn't you see me giving you the evil eye?" We tease and laugh with each other alot. Its hard to say whether he is just the class clown or if its some playful flirting.

Through a conversation we had, I learned what restaurant he works at. So, one day, I decide to go there for a quick lunch, with the full intention being to bump into him and talk. So I get there and I see him in the middle of the restaurant but I pretend to not notice him. I was shaking and nervous and didn't know if he would even care that a girl from dance class was there to eat lunch. So, I sit down and get my lunch. For the whole time I'm there I am just trying to get the nerve up to say "Hi". I finish eating and went to use the rest room. I am still trying to gain the courage to talk to the guy. I walk out and head to the door. And there he is walking right in front of me. Here's my chance. But do I take it....no .....I walk right out the door, to my car and drive right back to work, totally regretting that I didn't say anything to him...after all that was the point of going there.

Is something wrong with me? Why do I not have the confidence to say hi to someone I am interested in? It is for this reason that I will remain single forever.

I really kinda let myself down. I hope I can regain confidence before seeing him at dance class again.

Dance the Night Away

I started ballroom dancing lesson. SO MUCH FUN! I love the classes, love the people, love the dancing.

I was really happy about going to class until Monday. I had my individual one on one class...which was awesome. But after we had a group class, where I was one of the only single girls there (there was one other single woman there and the rest were all couples.)

I love going to dance class because when I am there, I don't feel different or single. It is me and my dance instructor in my own perfect dancing world where I am enjoying myself and learning something new in a place where no one is judging me. Then group class came and while the couples were dancing I sat on the sidelines and watched or had to dance with the female instructor. I am sure that no one there was judging me or even looking at me like I was different but I couldn't help but feel that way. It put me into a more depressed mood for the last few days, where before dance class always put me on a high for a while. I have another class tomorrow and I am not as excited for it as I was before.

I understand that I decided to take up a hobby that is meant for couples. I just never felt alone while I was there until then. I am sure that I am the only one that would feel that way after a group class but I just can't help it. Hopefully, individual class tomorrow will bring back my happy spirits about dance.

Depressed

I can't hide my depression anymore. I was good about faking happiness for a while but now its getting pretty difficult to act.

I don't know what to do. I am seeking help. I have made an appointment with a psychologist.

There is so much that depresses me and gets me down. I hate myself. I don't trust the decisions I make because most of the decisions I have made were the wrong ones.

I moved back to New Jersey to be happy. I'm not happy. I lived in Maryland...I wasn't happy. I had a great boyfriend...I wasn't happy. I'm never happy. This leads me to believe that I will not be happy no matter what, so why bother trying.

I miss my ex-boyfriend. I miss him terribly and often times I feel like if I had him in my life even as only a friend that my life would be happier. It's hard. Everything I do, or see, or read reminds me of him. Constant reminders of him. How can I get over him when I can't get him out of my mind?

I wish I had friends here. I left my friends in West Virginia and Maryland. My friends from New Jersey have all moved away since college and the only thing I have here is family but what if thats not enough.

I am lonely. I sit at home with my parents almost every night. I have no one to go out with. And tonight my brother said "how can you meet another boyfriend when you never go out". Am I supposed to go out alone with out friends? The sad part is that most times I don't want another boyfriend. I am not over my last boyfriend and I am not sure if I am the girlfriend or marriage type. I would like to move out of my house and I feel like I would do much more if I wasn't living with my parents getting constantly judged for what I do (or don't do)

It's too much for me to handle. With all this, who wouldn't be depressed?

My Phone Date

Am I not worthy of a man who is NORMAL?

So, I had a phone date with John, a guy I met online. First of all, he didn't call until 11:30 at night, after I had emailed him asking why he didn't call (actually I wrote.."You never called tonight...should have known"). So I answer the phone and he admits that he forgot to call me, forgot all about me. Excuse me? Why would you admit that? So, I am not even in a relationship with him and he already makes me feel like crap by forgetting me.

Anyway, conversation was weak. I had to keep prompting conversation so that it would keep going. Because of this, I got bored easily. The only time he kept the talk moving was when he wanted to talk about sex. I understand that sex is an important part in any relationship, however, do we need to talk about sex before I even know what you do for a living or how many siblings you have? He even asked me if I wore a one piece bathing suit or a two piece. Who asks this in the first 10 minutes of talking with someone...and he got disappointed when I told him I wore a one piece.

Are all guys freaks or do I just attract these lovely individuals? Is there anyone out there who wants to get to know me without picturing me naked within the first two minutes of meeting?

Should I just stop now before I get really frustrated? Is this a lost cause?

Read, Deleted

I just don't get it.

I may not be the hottest, sexiest or skinniest girl out there, but I am not ugly by any means. I have lots of personality and am easy to talk to and get along with.

Why then, has every guy on these online dating sites ignored me? All my sent messages are "read, deleted". I don't get it. What is so unattractive about a 29 year old woman , who has a decent job, a sense of humor and a knowledge of the game of football? Apparently I am not a good catch. This I don't get. I understand that not every person out there is going to be attracted to me, but not one guy on there is....NOT ONE! Come on.

Then, just when I was about to delete my profile from this silly site, a guy named John wrote me. He was nice and interesting. Conversations went so well that he wanted to call me tonight. So I foolishly gave him my number, finally thinking that this will go somewhere. He never called.

Why the runaround? Why say you are going to call when you have no intentions of doing so? Why lead a girl on?

I hate the dating world. The only reason why I am still in it is because as a single girl I have no choice. All single people are in the dating world whether they like it or not. Its sad. I'd like to check myself out of it like a bad hotel. Oh well. I'll stay at the one star motel...against my will.

Every Little Thing

I have been particularly upset lately.

My birthday is coming up. For most people, this would cause happiness and excitement. For me however, it just reminds me of what I don't have and of memories of what I used to have. I keep thinking these thoughts that usually start out like "Last year at this time..." or "On my birthday last year..." and they all involve my ex-boyfriend or living on my own or seeing old friends that I no longer live near. It's upsetting.

Everyone keeps asking me what I have planned for my birthday. Honestly, I don't have anything planned because I don't have ANY friends around here. One would think I would since I grew up here but I don't. So not only do I have the miss of my ex-boyfriend on my mind but I have the increased loneliness due to a lack of friends. Is something wrong with me to have caused my friendless and dateless life? It's pathetic.

All this sadness and loneliness has put me in a mood that has caused me some problems with work. I have been getting stressed more easily and today I snapped at a co-worker which led to a meeting with my boss. Every little thing is annoying me and I am more sensitive to comments that otherwise wouldn't bother me at all.

I wish I knew what to do to prevent these feelings and the fallout caused by the feelings. I with I could have prevented all of this...hindsight is 20/20.

I hope to have a great birthday, a great day and a great year. I just wish I had someone to share it with.

My Twinkie

I have a friend named Angie. She is someone I met in college while living in the dorms. We have grown to be great friends, sisters really. I call her my "twinkie" cause when we were in college people used to think that we were twins. We kinda look alike and were ALWAYS hanging out together. We could look at each other and know what the other was thinking (this has freaked out several of Angie's dates...our non-verbal communication skills are unmatched!)

I love this girl. She is my sister. She is my twin. She is always there for me no matter what, even if this means that she drives from Ohio getting two speeding tickets in the process because she knew I needed her to be there for me. When I am sad or depressed, Angie always knows the right things to say (or not to say). I know that she will love me no matter what and not judge me. It is unconditional love....like a twin would have for her sister.

My point in writing this is that all one needs are great friends to get by. Recently, when I was upset and missing my ex, Angie knew what I needed...someone to listen and to share advice and to get my mind off of it by making me smile.

I can't imagine life without my friends, no matter how far away they are in distance, they remain close to me in my heart.

Thanks Twinkie for all that you do! I love you!

Still Mourning

Here is a conversation that I had with my mother on Sunday. I don't remember how this came up but it did. Here it is:

Mom: Do any of your co-workers have a brother or a son they could set you up with?
Me: I don't know and to be honest I don't really care (As if all I talk about all day is my being single)
Mom: You're not getting any younger.
Me: What does that mean?
Mom: Well you want to have children, don't you?
Me: Number one, I don't know if I want to have children. I won't know until I find the right person to share that with. Number two, I don't know if I can have children with all the ovarian problems I have had
Mom: *tsk* You'll never find anyone with that attitude.
Me: Well, I'm not sure if I am ready for another man but when I am hopefully one will come into my life but finding a mate should not be rushed.

I stopped talking to her after that.

SEE what I put up with!

It bothers me that my mom would rather have my settle just to be with someone rather than fall in love or that she thinks that this is so easy to achieve. Sometimes I think that my mom would rather have me fulfill society's stereotypical expectations. I wish that she would understand that I am not fully over the past yet and would stop pushing me and making me seem like a freak for not having a boyfriend.

Can't she be more supportive about it? I'm just not ready. I thought I was but I am not.

A friend at work gave me great advice. She said that breaking up is not much different than mourning a death. You have to grieve the loss of this person in your life and for all the hopes and dreams that you had together. You must mourn, you must grieve and this takes times. Everyone mourns differently. Some take a little time and others much longer but one shouldn't be made to feel bad if it takes them longer than others. Take the time to mourn.

I am still in mourning and that's okay with me.

The Next Step

I am not really experienced in dating. So when it comes to online dating, I am clueless.

I am particularly clueless about the timing of things when it comes to online dating. I have been talking to this one guy through email for over a month. I have become very interested in him and would like to go to the next step. I emailed him my phone number about a week ago. He hasn't called but we continue to communicate through email on a semi-daily basis. The emails are wonderful. I look forward to reading them everyday. We even call each other cutesy names like "sweetie" and "baby".

So why won't he call me?

I used to be afraid of meeting the guys from the online world, but with him it is different. I can't wait to meet him. I look forward to that day. There are still things I worry about with meeting him but for the most part I am excited for it. Maybe he's not.

I don't understand if he is just scared to make the next step or if he just wan't to take things really slow. If he isn't interested in me wouldn't he have stopped emailing me by now? If he doesn't want to go further than emails then why is he on an online dating site to begin with?

I am mostly just confused by it. I will continue to email him because I love talking to him. I just wish I knew what to do next.

Shut Up

Sometimes I say things and don't think. And then a minute or two after I say it, I completely regret it and know that there may be repercussions from saying it. This happened today at work and I immediately regretted it and felt like a dumb ass. And when this happens, it is all that is on my mind and I can't stop thinking about how stupid it was to say it. I am dreading walking into work tomorrow, but already have the speech prepared in my head caused I have been obsessed about it in my thoughts.

I sometimes wonder if this wonderful trait of mine is why I have trouble baiting a man in the online world of dating. See, I start talking to guys, get to like them and then after oh a week or two of great emails, they suddenly stop all communication with no explanations what so ever. This has happened 4 or 5 times so far. I am getting frustrated and losing confidence over it more and more.

If I could just shut myself up before I say something stupid than maybe I would be more lucky. But I feel like I shouldn' t have to change myself. Can't I find myself a mate that accepts and loves this awesome quality of mine. Can't I find one that sees past the awkwardness I feel in these first few stages of dating. Aren't they feeling weird and awkward too? Maybe its just me.

A Friend's Love

The past few days I have been a little depressed. Not hysterically sad or crying, just a little down, a little blue. I haven't been acting like my happy self.

I went to work and thought that it would be the worst days ever. Slow moving, sad, crying at any moment days. But that wasn't the case. I had the greatest days I have ever had a work. I am surrounded by supportive, caring people who show me love everyday.

And then I realized. That is all that is important. Not necessarily love from a boyfriend or beau, but love from a friend. A friend's love is unconditional. A friend's love is forever. A friend's love is all I need.

Adult Definition

I recently got into an argument with a former friend. We were slinging things back and forth to each other. Then she said, "I don't expect you to understand, I have a mortgage, children, a house and a business to run. Grown up problems that are for grown ups. " I'm sorry. Am I a child that wouldn't understand these "grown up problems?" And just because I don't have a husband or children that doesn't mean that I am not an adult. I am 28 years old and have bills, payments, loans, a career....that all sounds grown up to me. I may not have children but that doesn't mean I haven't grown up.

I know that she said that in the heat of the argument, but why is that always the point that is brought up. I may not understand what it means to be a mother but I still have issues of my own that are very adult.

To society, will I never be an adult unless I am married with children?

Happiness

I have done a lot of thinking in the past few days, weeks and months.

I have come to realize that for the most part I am happy. I love my new job and all that it has to offer. Others think that I am sad cause I don't have a man. I find it frustrating to have to explain to them that they don't need to pity me cause I am happy. And because I have to explain it SO much, it brings me down sometimes. I wish people would accept that I am happy just the way I am. And if I find a man who I love, then I will be happy but I will also remain happy without one.

Are looks everything?

So, I have been online dating for a few weeks now. I am about ready to quit.

I have been rejected by several guys and have rejected a few of them myself.

There is one situation that is really irking me. I was matched up with this guy, Tim. We emailed back and forth for a couple of weeks. We have a lot in common and talked about anything and everything. It was going really well and I looked forward to reading his messages.

A few days ago, he asked me to send him a picture of myself. I did. He hasn't written me since.
I am hurt. Here is someone who I thought really enjoyed talking with me. He even suggested going on a date in his last email. I was excited at this prospect. Now he won't even talk to me. What gives? Are looks everything? How can a girl maintain her self-confidence while constantly getting rejected and being told that her personality is great but her looks just aren't good enough?

I am a beautiful, intelligent, fabulous and confident woman. If you can't see the fabulousness that is me, that is your loss, not mine.

Happy and Sad

So, I must be the only one in the ENTIRE world who does not have a significant event going on in my life.

My friend is pregnant with her first child. She and her husband have been trying for two years and finally a little one is about to arrive.

My best friend just had a baby a few months ago. She found out last week that if she and her family move back to their home state of Michigan that her uncle will sell them a house for well below market value. A huge four bedroom, two and a half bath house in a nice subdivision all theirs for practically free.

My sister is engaged to a great guy that she met at work. She is planning her wedding and is getting married in the summer of next year.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy for all of them. They are all getting what they have been waiting for and all deserve happiness. But my happiness for them can only go so far. I am insanely jealous of them. Great things are all being handed to them, while I am getting crapped on every step of the way in my life. When will it be my turn to be happy? Will it ever happen for me?

I am surrounded by happiness and after a while that just makes you even more depressed. Looking at everyone so happy in their lives makes me sadder about mine. I could have had all that they are getting, except I ended the relationship that could have given me all of that and more. I wish I knew that at the time. Its too late to get it back now. I just wish I didn't have the constant reminders of how my life failed through my friends successes. I am happy for them, but I am sad for myself.

Torture

In a moment of weakness yesterday, I called my ex-boyfriend during my lunch break. I didn't know what I wanted to say to him but my heart was telling me to call him and I followed my heart. He didn't answer. I left a short message. He hasn't called back.

I don't know why I called him but I do want to talk to him. I miss him terribly and just want to hear his voice. I don't know what my motives are here. I know that there is no chance of getting back together with him. We are both in different places with much distance between us now. It would be unreasonable to even consider getting back with him and wouldn't be fair to either one of us to change our lives for the other.

So why am I still wanting to be with him? I am being unfair to myself. Living in a fantasy world? I am torturing myself and because of this I cannot get over him. Maybe I don't want to.

I often wonder if he was the one and I screwed it up somehow and lost the only chance at love I had. I let him go and now I have to live with the consequences. So I torture myself, so what? I deserve that for giving up the only love I may ever have.

Haunted

I play the part of being completely over my ex-boyfriend really well. But every so often, a thought of him pops into my head. Sometimes these thoughts make me smile because I have great memories with him. We had some fun, loving, romantic times together. Sometimes these thoughts make me sad. I often miss him and wonder what he is up to. Is he happy? Does he think of me? Does he miss me?

I was at work today when I little girl missed her mommy so much that she cried and sobbed for hours during our nap time. I sat next to her and tried to console her but nothing worked. So I just sat next to her in my own thoughts. I missed my old love like she misses her mommy. I started to cry.

I miss him....still after almost 7 months of being apart. I thought around the 4th month that I was over him. I even told friends that I was completely over him and didn't care where he was or what he was doing. But around the start of the new year, I began missing him again. I couldn't sleep because I was consumed with thoughts of him. I would lie there questioning if what I did was the right decision and if it was the right choice than why did it hurt so bad so long after the break up? These thoughts haunt me.

Sometimes I think that I am wasting my time in missing him. We live far apart now and I know that neither one of us is moving for the other one. I won't make that mistake twice. So is it wasteful to want him back when it will be detrimental to both of out lives to have it actually happen? Am I living in a fantasy?

Maybe I don't miss him. Maybe I miss being loved and having a person to hug me when I feel sad . Maybe I miss having the company around and having someone to come home to. When will this be cured and how long do I have to wait? I am waiting for a replacement for him but maybe he can't be replaced. Did I give up on the one person who made me feel happy and good about myself because of a few of his flaws? He always accepted me fully for who I am and he loved me anyway. I couldn't accept even a few of his flaws and wanted to change him. Can I ever fully love someone or will I always be wanting the person to change? Will anyone be good enough for me?

Good on paper, bad in bed?

I started online dating. I am still very sceptical about this whole thing but I thought I would give it a try, honestly just for the laughs. After an hour of answering my personality questions and creating my profile to best sell myself, I am in the online dating world. It's a scary, scary place.

I don't trust anyone on this thing. I would never be set up on a blind date for fear of being raped so I have no idea why on earth I would agree to date this way. This is why I have given up on dating cause it's a scary world out there and I am not trusting enough.

I have viewed several profiles on this site and honestly they all look great on paper. Everyone is trying to sell themselves so of course they would look like a great match. It is hard to tell through a computer screen whether one has chemistry with another. In fact, it is impossible. This is why online dating never works.

But also, I feel like it takes a lot out of it. Everyone has this perfect image of what their ideal mate looks like. But honestly, they never look like that in real life because that is just a fantasy. If everyone waited for that picture perfect person to come along, then no one would get married or all the "ugly" people would be single forever and that is not the case. In the online dating world, you are immediately judged by your posted photo. In the real world, you may meet someone that you aren't attracted to right away, but after getting to know them you fall in love with them regardless of their looks. When you "date" online, you may have weeded out someone that could be the love of your life just based on what photo they posted on their profile.

On the flip side, every profile I have read seems like a great guy. He looks great on paper. We all do. It's easy to make yourself look like a good catch with just a few typed words. So, you could potentially waste a lot of time communicating with this person through emails and instant messages only to find out that in person there is no chemistry at all. It is hard to get a good read on someone's real personality through text messages and emails.

If there are so many things working against people with this online dating, than why are millions of people flocking to it and paying lots of money to do it. Honestly, if I dropped any money on this online site I would want a guarantee that I would find my "one" within a year. That just can't be done. I suggest saving your money and finding your love the old fashioned way instead of being stuck in front of the computer screen all day. Get out and enjoy life...maybe you'll meet someone. Isn't it more fun that way?

My little Valentines

Today is Valentine's Day. I thought that it would bother me this year, but actually I feel pretty good about it. In the past on a Valentine's Day when I was single I was depressed and hurt. This time around I feel pretty satisfied. I am hopeful and even though I am unattached, I still feel loved.

I work with preschool children who were all excited to give out cards and goodies for the holiday. I walked into the class today and was greeted by fifteen smiling, happy and excited children. I remember those days as a kid when the little things were exciting. Putting Valentine's into little homemade mailboxes was a thrill for these three year olds. It put a smile on my face to see their joy. Pure joy over little construction paper heart cards. It warmed my heart. It made me realize what was important.

You see, I don't have one valentine, I have fifteen three year old valentines, who love me unconditionally. And that's all I need. :)

Focus on the Whole Me

I started my new job today. I was so excited when I got home so I could tell my family how well it went. I love my new position and all the people that I met at the company. So, I sit down at dinner all happy to talk about my day, when my dad asked "So, were there any single guys there?" Are you serious? I have fabulous opportunities to tell you about. I want to tell you how much I love my new job and all you care about is whether there is a guy there that I may possibly meet, fall in love with, marry and have children with! Of all the things that you could have asked about the position, the people, the place you decide that the focus should be on whether there is a love interest there. As if the job is worthless unless there is a potential boyfriend there. I was so frustrated. I feel like this was a good step in my career. It was my first day back to work after a two month illness. And it wasn't meaningful to my parents because I told them that I work with all women.

It seems that finding a mate is more important to others than it is to me. I didn't think about my single status ALL day while at work. I was happy. I met new friends. I was satisfied with my education and career choices (something I haven't been satisfied with for a long time). Not one person at work inquired about my marriage status. So, it didn't cross my mind that I was unmarried while at work. It didn't matter to anyone there and therefore felt like I fit in and was part of the group. Then to come home and be judged by my own family for my singledom just made me want to cry. Can a woman get anything accomplished career wise without having a man by her side or will her career always be looked over to focus on the fact that she is unaccomplished in her personal life? Why does society put the emphasis on relationship status for women and on career for men?

I wish that people would realize that it is not my job to seek out a new mate every second of the day. The fact is that even if there was an available man at work, I wouldn't even notice cause when I am at work I am focused on just that....work. I don't have time to flirt or chit chat with a new beau...I have fifteen children to care for and keep safe. I am good at educating the children and families in my class and I will not apologize for that just because I am single. I shouldn't have to cause that shouldn't be the focus of me. I am many-faceted with a great personality. Being single is a part of me but it is not the whole me.

Illusion

Today was my Mom's birthday so the whole family went out to a nice dinner. As I sat at the table, I noticed that now I am the "loser " of the family.

My sister (formerly the loser of the group) now is engaged to a wonderful, smart and funny guy. He treats her like gold and takes her on romantic getaways. He accepts her and her five children with open arms and has made that group a family. My sister has been through two husbands who treated her like dirt and I am happy that she has found someone who treats her so kindly and puts her in the highest light. My sister just got promoted to manager of her store. She gets paid really well and has been able to support a large family on her new increased income.

My brother is dating a great girl that he met through work. They seem to really love each other. They make each other happy and can't keep their hands off each other. She is perfect for him and loves his little quirks, not many people do. My brother has a great job that he enjoys. He is treated incredibly well at work and even received a large bonus for Christmas. He loves his job and will probably stay there until retirement.

I am the middle child. I work at a daycare and I am lucky to make above minimum wage even though I have a college degree. It is a stressful position with little or no benefits or appreciation. I am the single one. Not only am I single, I don't have many friends around here since I just moved back. So often, my nights are spent watching television and hanging out with my parents....I am 28 years old.

At dinner tonight, conversation circled around relationships (and my lack of one). The excitement of the engagement, getting to know the new girlfriend. It was depressing for me. I know that they didn't mean to make me feel bad. People are interested in relationships and we all want to know the details. But I wish it wasn't the sole purpose of conversation. And when they aren't talking relationships they are talking about work (also not my strong point). Even when I tried to steer the conversation elsewhere, it still led back to these two items.

I wonder if one can be happy without both. Either one is single but has a great job or is taken but has a less than perfect job. In both my sibling's cases they have both, making it even harder for me, who has neither. Can I still find happiness without the man or is the man necessary for the illusion of happiness? Maybe that's all it is, an illusion. And if that's the case I can make my own image of happiness. Only thing is...will people believe it?

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride

Well, here I am, sitting home alone on a Friday night. No date. No friends. Just me with my dog. On a Friday night. Every Friday night.

What has become of my life? I used to have friends that I would hang out with all weekend long. Now, all of those friends are married with children and don't have time to hang out with someone as pitiful and single as me. They do their couples thing...and have told me that they don't want me to feel left out so they don't invite me. When has being single mean that I am totally outcast from society like I am quarantined with some horrible disease?

All of my friends have been married for years. I have been to all their weddings, bridal showers and bachelorette parties and have been a good sport about it. Not once did I complain when I had to wear the ugly bridesmaids dresses. Nor did I complain when I had to plan the damn showers that I hate to attend. No, I was a good friend, who stood by the bride and supported her through the stress of planning a wedding. When they were starting their families, I was a sounding board for the names of their children and a babysitter so that they could still have couple time. Now, I need their friendship and because I am not married I get nothing. Since when does the support of a friend depend upon your marital status?

So, here is what I get for being the supportive friend....loneliness on a Friday night. Gee...thanks.

Die a Dateless Death

So, I have been single for almost 6 months now. I thought that it would get easier with time...but really it's the problems that change.

The first few months were all about getting back on my feet. Getting financially back on track and starting a new life. And of course, the first few months were about getting over him. There were many tears and depressing thoughts, something I still struggle with from time to time.

Now, its all about dating again. Everyone keeps telling me things like..."this is your year, you are going to meet someone" or "don't worry you'll find someone". Well first off, I meet people all the time. I am a friendly person who has a new job and meeting people comes with that. That doesn't mean that everyone I shake hands with is a potential date. And second, I am not worried. Is there something to worry about? Am I going to die because I haven't had a date in six months?

When I was a kid, my mom always told me that when I grow up I will get married, have children, live in a nice house and be happy, as if that is the only thing that would make one happy. Now, that I don't have any of that, Did I fail at life? And, what if I never want any of that, does that mean I won't be happy...ever? Just cause everyone else in the whole world is married with children, that doesn't mean that they are happy and that doesn't mean that I have to have those things. So why do people keep implying that?

Why can't others accept that it is okay to be unmarried so long as the one who is single accepts it? There is nothing wrong with that. (So stop nagging, already)