Tomorrow is my interview. I thought by now that I would be looking forward to it. Instead, I am dreading it and have realized that I really don't want to be in this profession anymore.
Tell that to my boyfriend. He thinks that in these poor economic times that it would be stupid not to take a well paying higher position. He says going back to school to pursue a totally different career track is just not what one should be doing when a good job is available.
I tried explaining to him last night that I have not enjoyed working in preschools for almost five years now. I have given it more than chance and I am still not happy with it. He thinks that a new school and new position is what will help me to re-discover my love for teaching. Perhaps he is right, but I haven't loved teaching for a VERY long time, so re-discovering it will have to be a long trip back in time.
I'm still lost and probably will be more lost after the interview tomorrow. I guess I will have to wait and see what happens.
____________________________________________________________________
On another note. My boyfriend and I went out last night. While we were driving to our second destination, my boyfriend made some comments that I haven't been able to shake. We both had a few drinks in our systems.
Comment 1: He told me that he doesn't appreciate the unemployed "losers" because he has to pay for them to be unemployed. He feels that he shouldn't have to pay for people to "sit on their bums" all day.
I don't know if he was talking about me or about the unemployment system, but I am one of the many that have become unemployed recently and knowing that he thinks I am a loser that sits on my bum all day really irks me.
Comment 2: He had mentioned that he was mad at me on Saturday, though this is this first I heard this. He said that it bothered him that at our friends barbecue that I sat there talking to him rather than mingling around. He thought I didn't have a good time because he was there and that made him mad. He thought I was trying to "sabotage" the event.
The thing is...I had a great time at that party. I go to this party every year and it was the first time he had been invited. Its the type of party where you sit in lawn chairs talking, laughing, drinking and eating. It isn't really a walking around, mingling kind of event. This "sabotage" comment was not the first time that he has mentioned that. He thinks that I ruin events just to get attention or to cause a fight. I remember only one other time that I caused a fight at an event and that wasn't because I wanted attention it was that he pissed me off. He acts like I am not supposed to ever get mad or sad or annoyed and if I do he thinks it's sabotage.
I don't know. I don't want to bring up these comments again to him but they have been lingering in my mind all day today. I am just bothered by them.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Lost
It's been three days of doing nothing since the lay off.
I applied for unemployment...always fun.
I filled out a FAFSA for school....which is confusing.
I took my dog for a walk at his favorite park.
I made an appointment for my dog at the vet.
I painted.
I cleaned.
I fixed up my tree frog's cage.
But mostly I sat around my house looking for something to do, which usually ended up in me sitting on the couch watching t.v. or on the computer or reading a book. None of which I mind doing, but doing this for forty hours a week gets pretty boring.
I have one interview next week for a better position in a good school. I am not even looking forward to it. I had my heart set on going back to school. Filled out my financial aid forms the day I got the call for the interview. Now that this vacant position is better than my last one, I am starting to be confused about what I should do. I am not at all excited for this interview, but will probably wind up taking it if it is offered to me, and therefore prolonging going back to school. I know that I will not be fully happy working in this field anymore, but I feel pressured to take the job.
I spent my entire adult life trying to build myself into something that was marketable to the teaching profession. I have done just that. I went to a well known university that had an excellent child development and early education program. I did well in school, making the dean's lists and the president's lists. I enrolled in great internships and student teaching programs. I graduated with honors. I have had several teaching positions and have built on each one. I have won teaching awards and have excellent references. My resume is impressive. I am an excellent candidate for any position in the early childhood education field. The only thing is...I don't want it anymore. I spent all that time building myself into a model teacher and I have now lost my passion for it. But now that I have such an impressive background, is that all I am worth?
I'm so confused...SO very confused. I don't know what to do. I just want to be happy and I haven't been happy teaching in years. Yet everyone I talk to tells me I am crazy for not wanting to teach since I have built up such a knowledge of education and have a lot of experience. They say to start over is just going in the wrong direction. I don't know what to do. I just want a better future and happiness. I just don't know how to achieve that right now.
Tonight is Wednesday. Wednesday is my usual date night with my boyfriend. We didn't do anything. In fact, it wasn't even mentioned once today about it being date night. I have been sitting home for the last three days, bored and sad that I am now one of the many people in this country to be unemployed. I REALLY needed to get out and have fun and take my mind off of things. I needed a hug and cuddles from my boyfriend. Instead he is still at work. Yup, still at work at 11:30 at night.
So I was just IM'ing him and started telling him how I was sad, lost and confused. He asked "why". I told him my reasons and then he says "Sorry you are confused. I have to go outside and get fresh air. Good Night" That doesn't help me at all!!!! That made me feel even more upset. To have no support from the one person who should love and support you in life, is really difficult to deal with especially when I have other things that I am having trouble sorting through.
I'm just confused, sad, frustrated and lost. I hope for the answers soon.
"Even in the darkest moments, there is always room for love and hope"
I applied for unemployment...always fun.
I filled out a FAFSA for school....which is confusing.
I took my dog for a walk at his favorite park.
I made an appointment for my dog at the vet.
I painted.
I cleaned.
I fixed up my tree frog's cage.
But mostly I sat around my house looking for something to do, which usually ended up in me sitting on the couch watching t.v. or on the computer or reading a book. None of which I mind doing, but doing this for forty hours a week gets pretty boring.
I have one interview next week for a better position in a good school. I am not even looking forward to it. I had my heart set on going back to school. Filled out my financial aid forms the day I got the call for the interview. Now that this vacant position is better than my last one, I am starting to be confused about what I should do. I am not at all excited for this interview, but will probably wind up taking it if it is offered to me, and therefore prolonging going back to school. I know that I will not be fully happy working in this field anymore, but I feel pressured to take the job.
I spent my entire adult life trying to build myself into something that was marketable to the teaching profession. I have done just that. I went to a well known university that had an excellent child development and early education program. I did well in school, making the dean's lists and the president's lists. I enrolled in great internships and student teaching programs. I graduated with honors. I have had several teaching positions and have built on each one. I have won teaching awards and have excellent references. My resume is impressive. I am an excellent candidate for any position in the early childhood education field. The only thing is...I don't want it anymore. I spent all that time building myself into a model teacher and I have now lost my passion for it. But now that I have such an impressive background, is that all I am worth?
I'm so confused...SO very confused. I don't know what to do. I just want to be happy and I haven't been happy teaching in years. Yet everyone I talk to tells me I am crazy for not wanting to teach since I have built up such a knowledge of education and have a lot of experience. They say to start over is just going in the wrong direction. I don't know what to do. I just want a better future and happiness. I just don't know how to achieve that right now.
Tonight is Wednesday. Wednesday is my usual date night with my boyfriend. We didn't do anything. In fact, it wasn't even mentioned once today about it being date night. I have been sitting home for the last three days, bored and sad that I am now one of the many people in this country to be unemployed. I REALLY needed to get out and have fun and take my mind off of things. I needed a hug and cuddles from my boyfriend. Instead he is still at work. Yup, still at work at 11:30 at night.
So I was just IM'ing him and started telling him how I was sad, lost and confused. He asked "why". I told him my reasons and then he says "Sorry you are confused. I have to go outside and get fresh air. Good Night" That doesn't help me at all!!!! That made me feel even more upset. To have no support from the one person who should love and support you in life, is really difficult to deal with especially when I have other things that I am having trouble sorting through.
I'm just confused, sad, frustrated and lost. I hope for the answers soon.
"Even in the darkest moments, there is always room for love and hope"
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
The Lay Off
I got laid off yesterday. My boss pulled me into her office and told me that Friday would be my last day. I wasn't as sad as I should be. It didn't even fully worry me. I was actually more relieved than anything. Now I can go back to school full time while collecting unemployment and makes the decision to go back to school much easier.
I was very excited about this possibility...until I received a lack of support from my boyfriend. He is convinced that I should go back to school for my masters degree in education rather than criminal justice. And now he is saying that I should put off going back to school, because I need to find a job in this economy before someone else does. He said it's just not the right time and having a job is more important because of today's economic times
I want to go back to school and at this point I feel like nothing is stopping me. That is what I want to do. I even got laid off at work because of my desire to go back to school--I know sounds backwards, but they knew that if I went back to school that it would mean that I would have to cut my hours to do so. They figured that allowing me to collect unemployment was a gift. Nice of them, but honestly it kind of did make it all easier...well until I received criticism from my boyfriend.
His comments made me think about my decision a little bit more, but I still have a strong desire to go back to school. I am pretty sure that I am still going to go through with it. It is what I have been wanting to do for months now...and I just can't give up on myself now!
I was very excited about this possibility...until I received a lack of support from my boyfriend. He is convinced that I should go back to school for my masters degree in education rather than criminal justice. And now he is saying that I should put off going back to school, because I need to find a job in this economy before someone else does. He said it's just not the right time and having a job is more important because of today's economic times
I want to go back to school and at this point I feel like nothing is stopping me. That is what I want to do. I even got laid off at work because of my desire to go back to school--I know sounds backwards, but they knew that if I went back to school that it would mean that I would have to cut my hours to do so. They figured that allowing me to collect unemployment was a gift. Nice of them, but honestly it kind of did make it all easier...well until I received criticism from my boyfriend.
His comments made me think about my decision a little bit more, but I still have a strong desire to go back to school. I am pretty sure that I am still going to go through with it. It is what I have been wanting to do for months now...and I just can't give up on myself now!
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