Just Not Sure

I am really not sure about a lot of things lately. Life in general just has me down and confused.

Things with my boyfriend haven't been going so great lately. We have been having mini arguments and I have been sadder and sadder around him than usual. I know that we are opposites, but its getting to be too much when he doesn't want to compromise at all. Its all what he wants to do and nothing what I want to do. Just not fair. I'm just asking for compromise. Then, this weekend, we did something he wanted to do = go to a bar. I finally got up the courage to sing karaoke and he when I looked around while I was singing. It was my first time and I was so proud and he wasn't there. He was outside smoking or flirting with someone else, or God knows what cause i couldn't find him after. It upset me. I probably over reacted but I got really upset and it caused an argument that night that didn't really end for a while. The next morning I was so depressed that I had self-destructive thoughts and had to call my therapist to calm me down. I am just starting to wonder if this relationship is the one I have always dreamed of. We have LOTS of good time too. He makes me happy, makes me laugh, is very supportive and is always there for me when I need him. He balances me out and calms me down. Do the good things outweigh the bad?

I am also having second thoughts about my new job. I have been there for two months now. I have enjoyed the job until this week when my boss has been blaming me for things that others are doing and yelling at me for things that I wasn't trained about. It is not my fault that I was not trained properly. I guess they want me to be a mind reader, but I just can't take it. I also don't find it fair that they tell me one thing and I go and do that and then then next day they change their minds and blame me for doing the wrong thing. My second doubts escalated yesterday when my boss threatened to spank a child. Abuse is something I will not tolerate. It is sometimes such a negative working environment. Is this the type of place that I want to work at?

Enough

Am I not enough for my boyfriend? Why do we always have to have "plans" to hang out?

It's Friday! Yay! And one of my favorite things about Fridays is that I get to see and hang out with my boyfriend. I don't really see him during the week. We don't live together and he works crazy hours sometimes, so I look forward to Fridays.

Tonight I was and still am looking forward to seeing him, but because we don't have "plans" with other people he now wants to scrap hanging out with me because "we have nothing planned to do". I don't understand. Why does we need to have a group to hang out? Am I not good enough? Does he need a distraction from me? It confuses me. It makes me wonder about our relationship.

Now I know I could be totally over-reacting here, but it just bothers me.

Serenity Now

I got the apartment!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is all mine as of October 15th!! I am super excited. Finally, a place of my own. Peace. Quiet. Serenity. PRIVACY! I can't wait, I am just so very excited!

I am not sure how to tell my mom. As I have said before she is completely and totally overemotional. I know that she will cry at this news even though the apartment is less than 5 minutes from here. I feel this is a happy event, and should be happy news. But she will feel that even though I am 30 years old, that I am abandoning her. She would be ecstatic if we all stayed at home forever and never moved out.

But due to my recent psychological discoveries that my mother and this environment make my depression and anxiety sky rocket, I feel it is the right time for me to start healing and live in my own place.

I am so excited. I am meeting with the landlord this weekend and going to bring my boyfriend to see the apartment. I can't wait!