I saw my boyfriend on Wednesday after feeling distant from him for a few days. I really wanted to see him but was also was nervous. I wasn't sure how he would act around me. I was afraid we maybe lost our spark.
I had no reason to be nervous. We were goofy together as always. We talked about everything and nothing. We laughed and had a good time. And I think we really missed each other. I felt truly loved by him. His little kisses and his big ones made me feel like we are just as much in love as we were before.
After seeing him on Wednesday night, I feel refreshed and rejuvenated. I am not as sad in general. It is like a weight has been lifted.
It also reassures me that no matter how long of a time we are apart that we will still have our love for each other. Absence in our case makes the hearts grow fonder.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Distance
On Saturday night, I had a conversation with my boyfriend via IM. I wouldn't say it was an argument but rather a discussion of the things that were bothering him in our relationship. It was upsetting to me because he seemed to believe that everything that is "wrong" in our relationship is my fault.
One of the things that he mentioned is that he is not used to having a girlfriend after being single for 30 years. I understand that so I tend to give him a lot of space during the week. We typically go out once on a week night and see each other on the weekends. I feel like that is a lot of time for him to do things for himself, and I try not to bug him too much. Well, apparently he wants even more space and told me to "take what you can get and be happy with it". It made me feel like he didn't want a girlfriend at all and didn't want to spend anytime with me.
Since that conversation, I have done just that. I have given him his space. I haven't really talked to him that much since Saturday. I haven't IM'ed him at all and I text him once during my lunch to see how his day is going and once at night to say goodnight. Because of this, I feel very disconnected from him. So distant that I feel like I almost don't have a boyfriend at all this week.
I am trying to respect his wishes and hope that this gives him the space he needs to do whatever it is his single attitude wants to do. I am also hoping that absence makes that heart grow fonder, but I do have a fear that he will realize that he doesn't miss me, want me or need me.
In the meantime, I miss him a lot. I like conversing with him, and joking and seeking his advice. In sum, I enjoy his company, I just wish that he enjoyed mine as much as I enjoy his.
One of the things that he mentioned is that he is not used to having a girlfriend after being single for 30 years. I understand that so I tend to give him a lot of space during the week. We typically go out once on a week night and see each other on the weekends. I feel like that is a lot of time for him to do things for himself, and I try not to bug him too much. Well, apparently he wants even more space and told me to "take what you can get and be happy with it". It made me feel like he didn't want a girlfriend at all and didn't want to spend anytime with me.
Since that conversation, I have done just that. I have given him his space. I haven't really talked to him that much since Saturday. I haven't IM'ed him at all and I text him once during my lunch to see how his day is going and once at night to say goodnight. Because of this, I feel very disconnected from him. So distant that I feel like I almost don't have a boyfriend at all this week.
I am trying to respect his wishes and hope that this gives him the space he needs to do whatever it is his single attitude wants to do. I am also hoping that absence makes that heart grow fonder, but I do have a fear that he will realize that he doesn't miss me, want me or need me.
In the meantime, I miss him a lot. I like conversing with him, and joking and seeking his advice. In sum, I enjoy his company, I just wish that he enjoyed mine as much as I enjoy his.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Acceptance
I got accepted to John Jay College for Criminal Justice!!!!!!!
I am super excited and when I got the acceptance letter I couldn't stop smiling. I am also very, very nervous and scared. It is such a change--in career and life. My entire schedule will be different and it will be an adjustment.
I am also worried that I will not be happy after all this work to change my career. After all, I went to school for 4 years to become a preschool teacher and wound up hating it, so I am concerned that those feelings will happen again. I hope not but who knows.
I am excited and happy with a little bit (or rather a lot) of caution.
I am super excited and when I got the acceptance letter I couldn't stop smiling. I am also very, very nervous and scared. It is such a change--in career and life. My entire schedule will be different and it will be an adjustment.
I am also worried that I will not be happy after all this work to change my career. After all, I went to school for 4 years to become a preschool teacher and wound up hating it, so I am concerned that those feelings will happen again. I hope not but who knows.
I am excited and happy with a little bit (or rather a lot) of caution.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The First Time
The First Time My Boyfriend Said "I Love You" While Being Halfway Sober
June 13th, Saturday afternoon.
We were hanging out in the garage (of course!) and we were just talking. I was facing his Mom's car and he came from behind to give me a hug and to cuddle. Then he says, "I have to apologize." I said "Okay" and was really confused because I didn't understand why he needed to apologize. Then he continued "Because I have a little bit of alcohol in my system, but I love you. I really do. You know that right? Because I love you!" I turned around to face him and gave him a kiss and a hug and said to him "I love you too. I love you so much!" He was all teary eyed so I know that he meant it which made me all teary eyed and then we stayed in an embrace for a long time.
Later on we talked about marriage and how happy we made each other.
It was a perfect tribute to our relationship. My boyfriend isn't an alcoholic even though it sounds like that from the title of this blog. But the big joke that we have is that he can't express his feeling when he is sober, that's why he apologized for the alcohol being in his system. He had one drink that afternoon with lunch. He has said "I love you" SEVERAL times while being very drunk. And I know by the way he treats me that he does love me, it's just nice to hear it once and a while.
Hopefully, I'll be hearing this more often now that he broke the seal and said it once, but if he doesn't I still know in my heart that it's love. :)
June 13th, Saturday afternoon.
We were hanging out in the garage (of course!) and we were just talking. I was facing his Mom's car and he came from behind to give me a hug and to cuddle. Then he says, "I have to apologize." I said "Okay" and was really confused because I didn't understand why he needed to apologize. Then he continued "Because I have a little bit of alcohol in my system, but I love you. I really do. You know that right? Because I love you!" I turned around to face him and gave him a kiss and a hug and said to him "I love you too. I love you so much!" He was all teary eyed so I know that he meant it which made me all teary eyed and then we stayed in an embrace for a long time.
Later on we talked about marriage and how happy we made each other.
It was a perfect tribute to our relationship. My boyfriend isn't an alcoholic even though it sounds like that from the title of this blog. But the big joke that we have is that he can't express his feeling when he is sober, that's why he apologized for the alcohol being in his system. He had one drink that afternoon with lunch. He has said "I love you" SEVERAL times while being very drunk. And I know by the way he treats me that he does love me, it's just nice to hear it once and a while.
Hopefully, I'll be hearing this more often now that he broke the seal and said it once, but if he doesn't I still know in my heart that it's love. :)
Sunday, June 14, 2009
When Horseplay Turns Into Mayhem
We had a nice little Saturday going. We slept in and talked about the great time we had the night before. We made breakfast and watched movies. He told me that he loved me, the first time while being sober! And he said that he wished he could meet my Dad. He told me that he says "Don't worry, I'm taking good care of her" every time he passes my Dad's cemetery. It was one of the happiest days I have had with him. I was excited and happy and in love.
We were in a good, goofy and silly mood. We were joking around and just having fun. We were getting ready to go shopping. While walking down the stairs, my boyfriend paused at the bottom two steps. I put my arms around his neck and jumped up on his back to ride him piggyback style. He lost his balance and we fell. He hit his knee. I bumped my head on the table...hard. Very hard. I immediately got a huge bump on the back of my head. His Dad heard the ruckus and came up from the basement to see what had happened. He was very concerned and my one bump turned into two huge bumps. We took a trip to the hospital and the doctor said I had a concussion.
I was in pain. I had difficulty walking and was dizzy. I was very very tired. I was also sad and disappointed that I had ruined our wonderful day. And it was a very wonderful day. I didn't want that day to end...but it did with a huge crash. I feel stupid to get a concussion over horseplay.
I slept at his house and he and his Dad took care of me. I love my boyfriend. He really did take excellent care of me from holding my hand in the hospital and wiping my tears when I was scared and sad. I love him and hope that he cares for me forever.
We were in a good, goofy and silly mood. We were joking around and just having fun. We were getting ready to go shopping. While walking down the stairs, my boyfriend paused at the bottom two steps. I put my arms around his neck and jumped up on his back to ride him piggyback style. He lost his balance and we fell. He hit his knee. I bumped my head on the table...hard. Very hard. I immediately got a huge bump on the back of my head. His Dad heard the ruckus and came up from the basement to see what had happened. He was very concerned and my one bump turned into two huge bumps. We took a trip to the hospital and the doctor said I had a concussion.
I was in pain. I had difficulty walking and was dizzy. I was very very tired. I was also sad and disappointed that I had ruined our wonderful day. And it was a very wonderful day. I didn't want that day to end...but it did with a huge crash. I feel stupid to get a concussion over horseplay.
I slept at his house and he and his Dad took care of me. I love my boyfriend. He really did take excellent care of me from holding my hand in the hospital and wiping my tears when I was scared and sad. I love him and hope that he cares for me forever.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Arrogance
Yesterday we went to my boyfriend's friend's house to launch their jet skis. His friend's name is Alex and also happens to be his boss. My boyfriend has known him for a long time and the two of them are close. I stayed behind with Alex's wife while the boys had their fun in the water. I like Alex's wife and had a really good time talking and hanging out with her.
I was totally comfortable in the situation until we were standing on the dock watching them come in with their jet skis. Alex made it back first and docked his ski. I saw that my boyfriend's jet ski got clogged and he went in the water to fix it. I stood their watching while Alex insulted my boyfriend saying he was a "dumbass", "stupid", "he just doesn't listen", and "did you expect him to actually be smart". Now I know that friends engage in some friendly jokes but this to me sounded like he really thought that he was dumb. Alex didn't laugh after he said it, he just seemed annoyed.
After hearing that, I became uncomfortable being at his house. I told my boyfriend that I was uncomfortable but didn't tell him about the insults. Eventually I ignored Alex, which was difficult since we were at his house, and I managed to have a good time by playing with Alex's three year old daughter.
It's really hard. This is not the first time this has happened. At a wedding, Alex tried to convince me to break up with my boyfriend. I told him about it and at work the next day my boyfriend defended me and told him off. Now Alex doesn't directly talk to me usually, which is fine by me.
I don't like Alex. Besides insulting my boyfriend, I find Alex to be arrogant, bossy and abusive. I am not comfortable around him. I wish I had the guts to say something to him when he is being insulting and rude, but I know that he is his boss and I try not to make waves for him at work. I also will have to hang out with him more and more and want to feel comfortable around him. I don't know what to do about it. Its just a hard situation. And is there a rule that says I HAVE to like all of my boyfriend's friends?
I was totally comfortable in the situation until we were standing on the dock watching them come in with their jet skis. Alex made it back first and docked his ski. I saw that my boyfriend's jet ski got clogged and he went in the water to fix it. I stood their watching while Alex insulted my boyfriend saying he was a "dumbass", "stupid", "he just doesn't listen", and "did you expect him to actually be smart". Now I know that friends engage in some friendly jokes but this to me sounded like he really thought that he was dumb. Alex didn't laugh after he said it, he just seemed annoyed.
After hearing that, I became uncomfortable being at his house. I told my boyfriend that I was uncomfortable but didn't tell him about the insults. Eventually I ignored Alex, which was difficult since we were at his house, and I managed to have a good time by playing with Alex's three year old daughter.
It's really hard. This is not the first time this has happened. At a wedding, Alex tried to convince me to break up with my boyfriend. I told him about it and at work the next day my boyfriend defended me and told him off. Now Alex doesn't directly talk to me usually, which is fine by me.
I don't like Alex. Besides insulting my boyfriend, I find Alex to be arrogant, bossy and abusive. I am not comfortable around him. I wish I had the guts to say something to him when he is being insulting and rude, but I know that he is his boss and I try not to make waves for him at work. I also will have to hang out with him more and more and want to feel comfortable around him. I don't know what to do about it. Its just a hard situation. And is there a rule that says I HAVE to like all of my boyfriend's friends?
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