Flip Flop

I've been really indecisive about college / career plans this past week.

I was all prepared to send my graduate school application in. Then I had a conversation with my boyfriend and a friend and both gave me the same advice. Make the smaller change first and see if that makes you happy before making a bigger change. Basically they were saying that instead of totally changing careers that maybe a move to a different type of school or teaching a different grade may be the better solution.

That night I went online to search public schools for vacancies in the upcoming school year. And as I am doing this, I realize that I am not excited at all at all the possible opportunities. I was unhappy, unexcited and pretty much miserable with even the thought of remaining a teacher. So, I decided then that I will go to grad school and study criminal justice.

Until the next day. I had my annual performance review and I did well. Really well. You would think I would be happy. Yay! I am great at my job and they appreciate my hard work. Instead it left me confused...very confused. Maybe I should stick with this career. Maybe I am good at this kind of work. But even though I am good at it, I just don't know if I want to do it anymore. It just doesn't make me happy all the time

I sent in my grad school application today. I didn't want to close the door on it. This way I'll have options in a few months and I can decided then.

I just read this whole article about the quarter life crisis. I think I am definitely in one. I just wish I knew how to cure it.

Dream Squasher

Today, I talked to my boss about wanting to go back to school. She was less than supportive. She told me that if it causes my hours to be less than 40 hours a week then she will have to let me go. When I asked her if I could transfer to a center closer to the college, she said she would see if we could work something out but she doubts it. Thanks a lot.

I understand that she has a school to run. I totally understand that. But there are other employees there that go to graduate school and not one of them is working over 32 hours a week. The schedule was made to accommodate their hours and commute time and it still didn't add up to a 40 hour work week. So, if it's okay for the others how come it's not okay for me. It doesn't seem fair.

Funny thing is, it didn't upset me or anger me. It's like it bounced off of me. I was not going to let her bring me down. I will not let her (or anyone) squash my dream. I will apply to graduate school and take what life gives me. If I need to find a new job, or go around my boss to transfer to another school, then that is what I will do. I will be just fine and one day I will graduate with a master's degree no matter who supports (or doesn't support) me.

Wanted: Passion

I really wish I had more support. Lately I have been feeling like I have had little or no support from the people who love me and should be supportive of me.

I have wanted to go back to school for something I have always wanted to study-Criminal Justice. I briefly mentioned this on Easter and my brother said I was "crazy" and have been "watching too much tv." Thanks. I talked about it at a wedding to a table filled with people from my boyfriend's work. Some of them were very supportive telling me not to give up on my dream. But most of them said "find a passion outside of work" or "try working at another school and see if that helps". No that doesn't help. I have worked at many, many schools and I always wind up feeling like this...depressed, unappreciated, no passion.

I talked to my boyfriend about it and sometimes he is all for me going back to school, he has been very encouraging and if it weren't for him, I would've never even had the courage to apply. There are other times that I feel he is annoyed or thinks I am giving up on my career too early. He hasn't been with me for as long as I have been a teacher. I have been doing this for over 10 years, and I didn't hate all of it for the whole time, but I certainly have not enjoyed it for that entire decade either. He has only seen the past 5 months and thinks that I just hate my current place of employment (which I do).

Something is definitely different now. I have been out sick more since starting my current job then I have been in my whole life. I will make up any excuse to get out of there or to be sick. I just hate it there that much. I started at this new school a little over a year ago to get into a better working environment. This company is known to be one of the top 100 places to work for in the nation. I just don't feel that way. Working there has caused me to lose my passion even more for this profession.

I have been wanting to talk to my boss about going back to school for over a month now. I just have been afraid that she won't be supportive about it and therefore I won't have a job anymore due to my lack of passion.

I just feel like I need a better support system. Its a big decision to go back to school. It is just difficult to have no support.

So True

My relationship summed up in a few words by my boyfriend. I think that most girlfriends would be offended by this statement, but it's so true and if you knew us you would understand. Instead, it made me smile.

"You're mental. I'm an alcoholic. We make do."

And The Oscar Goes To....

My boss can be an intimidating person. I guess it would be more of a passive intimidation, if there is such a thing. She comes off as being sweet but if she has ever had to talk to you about something, it comes off as an attack. There is no talking but rather she will blame you for everything that went wrong and will turn it around on you even if it is her fault. I try to avoid having any serious, major, sit down conversations with her for this reason.

The last time we "talked" she mentioned my lack of passion at my job. I didn't deny this...in fact she hit the nail right on the head. I admitted to it and was hoping that she would be supportive and maybe give a little bit of advice. Instead she reprimanded me and wrote me up for not having passion for this profession anymore. She even went as far to say that if my passion for teaching didn't return that she would have to let me go. So, needless to say that I am scared to talk to her about anything relating to this subject for fear that it may cause me to get fired.

Since that last conversation about a month ago, I have faked my way through work, pretending to be happy to be there when inside I am loathing the existence of the school and wanting to quit. I should be awarded an Oscar since I got a note from my boss today thanking me for rekindling my love for teaching.

It's funny to me that the thank you note from her came the day before I was going to talk to her about returning to school for a career change. I want to apply for a criminal justice program and I need an letter of reference from her to send my application in. I was terrified to ask her for it before since she may just attack me for it, but now I am even more afraid to go since she feels that I now love my job.

I know that I still need to talk to her about it. And I hope that she would be supportive. I know that if this is what I want to do then no one should stop me. Keep the dream alive!

I'll let you know if I get fired for hating my job.

Effort

So, I guess everything between my boyfriend and I are good. We have been talking via the internet all day and the conversation is just normal...talking about work, school and joking around. And it makes me feel a little bit better but I am still on edge. I am still worried that at any moment it is going to blow up and he is going to break up with me. I am sure that he won't because we were both just laughing about the situation, so I am sure that we are just fine.

I have had time to think about the situation today, and I think that it is going to take an effort on both our parts to make sure that we are both happy in social situations. See, we both have social anxiety, but get nervous for different and opposite reasons. So, it can be difficult to see the other person's views. But now that we are both aware of it, I think that it will just take a better effort for both of us. I would like it if sometimes he includes me in his wanderings and smoking breaks and there are some times during his breaks that I can stand behind and attempt to mingle with to get to know more people. It's hard, but it will be worth the effort.

Wedding Day Blues

I almost broke up with my boyfriend last night.

We were at a wedding. Many of his friends were there and of the over 200 people that were at this wedding, I knew 3 and that includes my boyfriend. We were seated at a table of three couples that I didn't know. I had to sit next to his boss, who I have met before but do not feel comfortable around. His boss gave me the third degree and made me feel depressed and bad about myself and tried to convince me the entire time to break up with my boyfriend. It was super annoying.

Then, my boyfriend left me at the table to sit by myself for 95 % of the wedding so he can go outside to smoke or to hang out with his work friends. It would have been nice if he invited me to join him, but this was not the case. So I sat at a table for three hours by myself and I was bored. He wanted to know why I was mopey at one point and I told him exactly why and he of course puts the blame entirely on me. That's just not fair. So he would leave me for a half hour at a time to smoke then spend 5 minutes with me then leave me there alone again, where I know no one. There was a point when he was outside for his 25 minute smoke break where I contemplated leaving him there and walking back to our hotel room. But no, I stayed. We got back to the hotel room after the party and I just cried. Just hysterical crying. He went downstairs to smoke.

Before bed we argued. I really thought that I would not have a boyfriend after these arguments. He said some pretty mean and hurtful things and told me that things have been bothering him for a while but never mentioned any of it. He said that he didn't want to break up. Eventually things settled and we just talked normal and went to bed. I woke up in the morning and felt crappy for how I acted and still was certain that this relationship was going to end but he acted like nothing had happened, like he pretended that nothing was wrong. When I left this morning, everything was back to normal. We joked, we smiled, we hugged, we kissed. We made plans for the weekend.

You see, this is a recurring issue. Everywhere we go I am left to sit alone at a bar by myself where I am no comfortable to begin with. That's not fair to do to a girl who has social anxiety.

Now, it's like nothing happened, but I am still a little upset and insecure about the whole thing. I know that I am not totally innocent in this situation. I know that I reacted poorly in front of some of his friends. I just can't get over some of the things he said and now I am contemplating breaking up. I am just not sure if he is the right one for me. Sometimes he makes me happy, but other times he makes me feel upset. I don't know if the happy times are enough. I need things to change, I doubt that they will so what's the point.

Lately I feel like I have been pushing him away because I haven't been fully happy. Maybe I deserve better.