All I Want For Christmas is a New Career

I visited the local business college to look at the medical assistant program. I was very impressed by it and really would like to enroll. The new possible career change excites me...a lot. I really finally feel like I have figured out what I want to do with my life. A few years late and a lot of floating around, but I feel like I have it figured out.

I am discouraged about the scheduling and cost of it all. It is either an all day program from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. and will be finished with the program in a year; or its an evening program from 6 p.m to 9:45 p.m. And I am more than willing to do either one. I would prefer the day program but I also need to make money and need a full time job to help with paying for my bills as well as the tuition. So more likely the evening program will be the one for me.

I am waiting to hear back from the physical therapy office to see if they want to hire me as an assistant. In that case, I will have on the job training and can become certified later on.

I just want it all to fall into place and with the way things have been going lately I am having my doubts about if and when that will happen. Maybe I am being impatient but I have been waiting a long time.

At What Price?

I really want to be happy in my next job. So I was very excited when the physical therapy office that I go to needed a new medical assistant. I have no training in this field at all. But many of the doctors and therapists at the office have given me a good recommendation to the owner of the practice. They also assured me that they would train me on the job.

This possibility has me very excited. I am looking forward to a career change. It even has me wanting to go back to school to become a certified medical assistant.

For a few years now, I have been wanting to get out of the education field. I have totally lost my passion for teaching and have no desire to do it anymore. Honestly, I don't even want to work with children at all. So, I was very unsure when my boyfriend's boss asked me to be a nanny for his two children. Not only do I want to get out of the child care field, I highly dislike his boss. I think he is a jerk and every time I talk to him he makes me feel bad about myself. I am sure that this is not the kind of person that I want to have as my boss or to have to interact with everyday. That aside, this position would pay a lot more than I have ever made at any job. The money would be nice, but is it at the price of my happiness?

Deflated

New Job....new hatred for what I do.

I finally got a job in the public schools, something that most people with an education degree dream of having. I work in the before and after school program at a local public school district. I Thought it would be great. I thought that it would be just like what I was doing before just with older kids. But I was wrong. Sure, it definitely isn't as stressful with the children. But the hours are horrible... a big split shift with a 5 hour break mid-day. It makes for a long day....waking up early when it is dark to get home late when it is dark. But what I feel makes the job worse is the fact that there is no teaching going on at all. I am basically babysitting children before and after school while they do homework, color, put together puzzles and play cards. And yes, the occasional game of Uno cards can be pleasant and enjoyable, it is not something I want to be doing every day all day long at work.

I asked my site leader if I can do some projects or science experiments. And he told me not to bother. The children aren't interested and they are constantly getting interrupted by parent pick ups, other children and other games. I feel like my creativity and knowledge has been stifled.

When I interviewed for this position, I asked about starting enrichment programs based on the children' s interests and about projects and activities. And they described a program that was all that. Except its not.

So I am lost as to what to do. I just got a job...in the public schools which can give me good connections and help me get into a better position in the district later on. The hours, though in the long term suck, will help me in the short term with being able to go to physical therapy in the day on my long break. This job has very part time hours which means very minimal paycheck and the placement of the hours make it impossible to get another part time job to fill in the blanks.

I used to get excited to go to work. When I was working in preschools, seeing all those smiling excited faces ready to learn, planning lesson plans and art projects. I loved it. I couldn't wait to go to school the next day. Now I am not excited about it at all. I don't like having that feeling.

I'm feeling deflated. A bachelor's degree from a good school; thirteen years of teaching experience; certification....and I have an hourly part time after school babysitting-like position. Is this all I am worth?

Drifting into the Future

I was just viewing pictures on facebook of a friend's wedding. We grew up together and I remember having play dates at her house when we were in elementary school. We lost touch in college but are "facebook friends".

In viewing the beautiful pictures of her wedding, I noticed that a lot of her bridesmaids were all people I grew up with. Our circle of elementary school friends were all present in her bridal party.

It got me to thinking about how I never keep in touch with people, even my closest friends I have trouble calling or emailing. Because of this, I have lost many friends over the years when I could have lifelong friends. I was always jealous of the people who are still close friends with people they knew in high school or grammar school.

This also happens to me with work. The longest held job I have had is 3 years. I am constantly moving from job to job and am rarely happy in the one that I have. This has resulted in a resume that isn't so wanted by good companies. I am envious of my boyfriend who has worked for the same company for over 15 years, since high school. At the same time, even though I want that, I can't even imagine being at the same workplace for that long. I feel I would get bored. Someone told me that I am a drifter when it comes to work. I thought they were wrong at first but I think now that it is very true.

It has me worried about the future. I don't have many friends to begin with. Many of them live far away. I have a handful of friends from high school and college and don't really make friends at work. So when I get married, I will have no one to stand up with me as my bridal party. And I won't really have friends to support me through my life. When it comes time to have a family, will I be able to keep a steady job to support a child.

I am not making excuses for myself but I was recently reading about Adult ADHD and the things I am writing about here are some of the symptoms of the disorder. I am seriously beginning to wonder if that is the cause of all these issues.

How do I correct this? Who can help me with this? Or is it too late?

New York, New York

Our trip to New York that never was.

On Saturday, we were invited to a birthday party at a bar/restaurant in New York City called 230 Fifth. It was a rooftop bar and we were excited to go. We made reservations for a hotel room to stay over night and left early for the city so we could relax and eat dinner before the party began.

The trip was filled with traffic. Most of what we saw was brake lights. It was unusual to see so much traffic on a Saturday night and there we were stuck in it. We pulled over so I could use the bathroom and we got lost in Jersey City which set us back about a half hour. As we are approaching the Holland Tunnel, my boyfriend says "Uh Oh, I can't find my wallet!" We called home and no one could find it there, so we thought that it must be in our overnight bag in the trunk. We were stuck in traffic so we had to go through the tunnel before pulling over to see if it was there. It wasn't. We drove around the city for a little while but then returned home.

When we got home, we found the wallet in his pants pocket in his hamper. He had changed his pants right before we left for New York.

I was surprised at how well we handled the situation. At a time when we would be stressed and angry over it, we just laughed it off and relaxed at home. We were stressed. We were disappointed. We didn't let it get to us and we just enjoyed our ride around the city. I thought it would be a horrible night, but it turned out to be a wonderful one, very happy and loving.

Everything happens for a reason, it turns out that the group that did make it to the party did not have a great time. Our friend twisted her ankle and they wound up having to leave the party early to take her to an urgent care center.

Our night was beautiful and we laugh looking at it now. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Unsupportive Support System

From a guy who claims that I am selfish, my boyfriend sure is being selfish right now.



I am having surgery on my knee done on Friday for my torn ACL. I am naturally nervous for the procedure, especially since I have never had surgery before and have never been put under anesthesia. I also know that I am in good hands and that all will be well. I have done a lot of reading on the subject and feel pretty good about it.



I have planned all along to have my boyfriend drive me to the procedure. He agreed to this several weeks ago. Now it is two days until the surgery and he is acting like I never told him that. He says that he wants to be there for me but doesn't want to be sitting in a waiting room all day unless there is a real emergency. How he will know if there is a real emergency while sitting at home on a day he took off, I don't know.



I understand that it can be quite boring to sit in a waiting room. But if he were having surgery I would bring things to do knowing that I would be there in case there was an emergency. Not to mention that he stayed in the waiting room for hours last week when his dad had surgery. So the person I wanted to bring for support is not being so supportive. He is acting like I am interrupting his life for my surgery. He told me that I am getting panicked over this "minor event" when the nurse at the surgery center told me that this is major surgery.



So now I have to question...is he the one that I want to bring to surgery? And if he is this insensitive now then what about the future?

Blessing in Disguise

This ACL tear may be the best thing to ever happen to me.

While that is hard to say with all the pain and discomfort I am having, it may have done something wonderful for my career. Because I was hurt my work has not scheduled me, so I was laid off. I was down in the dumps thinking about how this injury has really put me in a bad spot. With no money being made and having a hard time getting around, I was really depressed. Then I decided to take action. I applied for unemployment, something my employer was very upset with me about. Then, I applied at every director, assistant director and administrative position in a child care setting that was in the tri-county area. I was willing to drive an hour away just to gain a good position and use my skills and knowledge for a leadership role. At first, I thought it would never work out. Until today. I have two interviews scheduled for tomorrow, both of them for a director position at brand new schools! I am super excited and hopeful that it all works out.

So even though I am in pain and can't do everything that I used to, I may be better off because of it.

"Why do blessings wear disguises? If I were a blessing, I'd run around naked!"

Total Bummer

Totally NOT a faker with my injury, as so many people I vacationed with had thought. I got an MRI and tore ligaments in my knee and may possibly need surgery!! EEK!

Been very bummed about the bummed knee. I haven't been able to work for the last 2 weeks and with the possibility of surgery, I may be out for months. I have been very stressed about the lack of money since this has happened. I am hoping that work will help me out so I can collect some sort of disability or unemployment payments. Still, this is an added stress that I don't want to be thinking about right now.

What I am REALLY worried about is the surgery. I have never in my whole life had surgery on anything. I know that this surgery isn't nearly as bad or invasive as many other surgeries but it still has me freaked out. What also has me depressed is that recovery time after surgery. Apparently, a year of physical therapy is needed to get the knee close to normal condition again. So a whole year of my life is gone thanks to the ocean slamming my knee.

I forgive the ocean though. In fact, I want to go back. I want nothing more that to be sitting on the beach in this beautiful weather watching the waves crash in and relaxing (as long as my knee is not in those crashing waves, that is).

I also learned that my boyfriend cares about me. I knew that before but this is just more proof. After this happened, I thought he really didn't care. I thought that I annoyed him by getting an injury on vacation. And I think that is still partly true. But now that it has been shown to be a pretty bad injury, he has been taking care of me. He has been babying my knee, carrying things for me, making sure my crutches are always near, holding doors open for me and taking me to doctors. Its been really nice to have that kind of support and I love him for that.

Ocean Faker

While on vacation at the Jersey Shore (which was fantastically relaxing, by the way) I hurt my knee in the ocean when a wave hit it. Yeah, I was taken down by a wave. I twisted it and it hurt really bad. What hurt worse was finding out that my boyfriend's entire family, who we were vacationing with, thought that I faked it. I was very hurt and still am hurt by it. It makes me uncomfortable to be around them. And because they think I faked it, I feel like now everyone feels I faked it too. That is probably not true, but they put the doubt in my mind and I hate that.

I think they thought I was faking because the injury didn't stop me from doing things at the shore. I still went to the boardwalk, swam in the pool (not the ocean) and went to sit on the beach. I did all that through pain and put on a happy face while doing it. After all, I was on vacation and I didn't want to take away from other's fun times.

So they thought I faked it. I am still in pain even though it happened a week and a half ago so I went to see a doctor. I slightly tore a ligament on my inner knee and have to use crutches to stay off of it! Don't know how I can fake that? I feel like I have to prove them wrong by showing them a doctor's note or something. I think that is very sad and I shouldn't have to do that. I'm sure they will think I am over-reacting when I come in with crutches later.

I don't know what I need to do to be good enough in their eyes. It is probably beyond that point of fixing that. I am very hurt that they think I am lying and faking.

Total Letdown

This summer has been a total letdown.

In the Spring, my boyfriend and I discussed doing many mini weekend getaways. We had plans for Washington D.C, the shore and Hershey Park.

Then my boyfriend surprised me with a trip to Las Vegas that his friends were also going on. It was planned. I took the days off of work. Then his friends backed out. And even though we had the plans booked, he cancelled too and we are left without a vacation.

Then we have our annual week-long trip to Lake Raystown in Pennsylvania. We go with a bunch of his co-workers every year. It was planned. I took the whole week off of work. Then his boss, who plans the trip, had an affair on his wife and the trip was cancelled and we are left without another vacation.

I tried to convince my boyfriend to go somewhere during these days I already have taken off. He has lots of excuses.

He wants to go with a group. Always wants a big group. It hurts my feelings. Why doesn't he want to go with me alone? Am I too boring? I mean he says he loves me but he doesn't want to spend a few nights alone with me.

Then he says he has anxiety towards events. He doesn't want to plan anything because he has such social anxiety about it. And it has seeped into our normal day to day living. He didn't want to go to a party this weekend with my friends. Said he had too much anxiety over it. So he kept putting it off. We arrived to the party hours late but once he was there he was fine.

Its always my events. My parties. My friends. My trips. My ideas. He has no problem going to the bars with his friends or the parties at his work.

I am very disappointed. This summer has been a complete and total let down. A lie. A farce. I have held it in for most of the summer but just a few minutes ago I told him how disappointed I was. And he says "Keep fueling the pressure and anxiety." Am I being a horrible girlfriend? I have dealt with his "anxiety" about doing my events for the entire relationship. In fact, I many times have thought about breaking up with him because of it.

I never try to show my emotions around him, because he doesn't like it and makes me feel bad about it when I do. But after all this, I finally communicate to him about how I feel and I still feel bad about it. Maybe I am pressuring him to do things he doesn't want to do. But when it is always your event that he doesn't want to do it takes a toll.

Am I being a bad girlfriend? Am I being fair to myself? Is there a solution to this problem?

My Happy Tank

Fourth of July, 2010

My boyfriend and I were driving around after the fireworks, just hanging out and having fun. He asked "Do you want to go to New York City?" I thought he was joking but I answered an exciting "Yes." And off to NYC we went. About 20 minutes later we were in the Holland Tunnel and on our way to the city.

We drove to Times Square. We booked a hotel room and we walked around the city into the wee hours of the night. We had a drink at a local bar. We took pictures of the lights and sights. We walked hand in hand down every street and I smiled the whole time!

Our hotel room had the most beautiful view of Times Square. We were 37 floors up and I could see everything! I would just stand at the window and stare for an hour. It was wonderful!

My boyfriend said he did it just to make me happy and see me smile. I smiled the whole time. I haven't been that happy in a long time. He said he filled my happy tank. He sure did!

No Win Situation

I can't win! No matter what I do, it just doesn't work out or it gets me in trouble.

On Friday, my boyfriend wanted to go to a bar to see a DJ friend of his play. I didn't want to go. I REALLY didn't want to go. I suggested that he go with his friends and I relax at home. Then he said that he won't go if I don't go and I felt bad that he would miss his friend's event. So I went.

When we get there, it is very empty so it gave me some time to settle in. But as the night went on, the DJ started and I hated the music that he played. My boyfriend and his friends were all up dancing and I was left alone at the bar. As time went on, I felt more and more uncomfortable. I lasted two more hours before I snapped and couldn't take it anymore. I was bored and left alone and I just wanted to go home. My boyfriend kept asking me what he could do to make me feel better and I said that I just want to go home. And so we went.

Then we got into an argument about it. And I felt bad that I ruined his special event. Why did he make me go? I didn't want to ruin it. Now his one friends are saying all these things about what I talked about there and none of it I remember. I wasn't drunk. I wasn't out of it. I remember most of the night. I remember that I barely talked to this girl and it certainly it wasn't a negative conversation.

This argument we had still lingers. It almost lead to us breaking up. And sometimes I feel like maybe we should break up. I feel like no matter what I do, I can't win with him. I try to be myself and then he tells me that it isn't the girl he wants. I try to be truthful and he tells me that I shouldn't be so negative. I feel so much pressure to be someone I am not. I feel like I am walking on eggshells just to not be in trouble with him or to say the wrong things or to avoid the next fight. I can't do it anymore. It is so hard.

I don't know what to do. I'm at the end of my rope. There are times I just want to end it, to be free. And there are other times that just the thought of that makes me start to panic. I think I am stuck. No matter what I do, will I be happy? I can't even answer that question. Am I destined to be single again? I wanted to marry him. I can't start all over again. I can't.

What do I do?

I am a Winner!

YAY! I was a chosen as a daily winner on the blog The One Minute Writer!! So excited! Go to The One Minute Writer blog so you can maybe be a winner too!

Here is the winning entry to the writing prompt, Complete this thought....I'd like to find a map leading me to....

My sanity!!!

Today in class, I told the kindergartners that I was losing my mind
because I was being forgetful. One of the boys drew me a map to where my
mind was hiding. He said "then you won't keep forgetting that I am the
Light helper today!"

So cute!

Starting Over

I am starting over on the weight loss journey. Not for anyone else but myself. I want to be happier with my appearance and overall be a healthier person.

I think that when I started in January I felt a lot of pressure from my boyfriend to lose weight. And for a while I agreed with him and I was doing a lot to lose weight. I lost 10 lbs and then gained it all back out of nowhere. It was a big yo yo, up and down for four months and I lost my motivation and confidence to continue on with it. So I stopped.

This time I am doing it for me and only me. I'm not even sure if I am going to tell others my plans cause I don't want to feel pressured again.

I think that I can do it this time. Now that the Spring is here, it will be much easier to take walks outside with my dog. Since my schedule changed at work and I have the afternoons free, I will have more time to go to the gym without cramping my evening plans.

I'm hopeful about this. I just hope it works this time.

Fight for your Right to Not Party

My boyfriend just needs to date a party girl. Plain and simple, just needs to date a party girl.

I am not a party girl.

Not being a party girl has been causing us a lot of tiffs lately. Usually, he wants to go out and I don't. Or I want to leave early and he doesn't. Or he gets drunk, which annoys me and sometimes his drinking causes him to start fights that don't make sense.

It is so tiring. I am so over it.

Right now, he says he is "mad" at me. I say "mad" cause he is not fully all out angry, but still had to make the comments about it. Last night was his birthday. I left the whole night up to him. After we finished dinner, I asked him if he wanted to go somewhere else. He asked me if I wanted to go to this local bar. I said "its up to you". He said he was on the fence about it. He continued driving and turned towards his house and went home. I assumed that meant that he didn't want to go to the bar. He doesn't say anything about it....until tonight.

He says that I should have been more gung-ho about it and that I "boo-hoo"ed the event before we even got to dinner. If he wanted to go, being the 33 year that he is, he should have said something since I told him he could do anything on his day. It frustrates me that this gets turned onto me. (Everything always does).

Now, he wants to go out tonight. I don't want to go out tonight. I am so not in the mood to go out. Its a work night and I am tired of going out during the week. I am so tired of going out.

It is all that we do. Go to a bar. I like to do things like movies, bowling, mini golfing, dinner. We rarely get to do the activities that I wanna do but we go to a bar 3 or 4 nights a week. It is getting boring and tiring.

My boyfriend should date a party girl, not a want to get married, want to have children kind of girl. Not a want to settle down and stop partying kind of girl. Maybe I am not meant for him.

Moving On Up

I started a new job last week. For the past week, I have been floating around the school, working in various classrooms and doing different tasks. I have enjoyed this, but still would eventually like to have my own class.

Today, I got that offered to me. Their kindergarten teacher is leaving and they asked me to be her replacement. I am ecstatic about it. I love the children in there and I have a good rapport with them. It is only for the rest of this school year, since they already hired someone for the next school year. After June, I will be working more in the office since my boss is going on maternity leave. All of this pleases me. I am excited for it.

When I told my boyfriend about it and how excited I am for it, his response was "Boo. You want to be a director."

OK? That is true...I would like to be a director. However, I know that it takes work to move up in position. I have already been blessed at this position to be moving up as quickly as I am. So I am happy that they believe in my abilities and qualifications enough to offer me the position of kindergarten teacher. I am responsible, the kids in there already know me, so it is easy to make the transition.

In the past week, I have worked my tail off. I am proud of that. I want to show them that I am a good worker, a better worker than I used to be, and see it paid off for me! I am happy. I just wish that he was happier for me.

Out With The Bad, In With The Good

Yesterday, I had both a bad and a good day. Work was horrible, so horrible that I will resign after the events of yesterday. So that was bad. But I was able to obtain a job at a former employer, so that was good.

So my boyfriend gave me just what I needed. A night out at a local place to play rock band with friends! He knew that I needed to relax after the rough day and just needed to get my mind off of things. He also knew that we should celebrate the new job offer and getting out of a bad situation.

And I needed the cuddles and hugs and smiles and smooches from my loving boyfriend. So that didn't hurt either! He makes me feel better by giving me what I need. It calms me, relaxes me, makes me smile. He can turn my day around.

Lie, Cheat and Defriend

So, a few days ago, my friend called and told me that she got caught cheating on her boyfriend. He found emails and online chats between them. She called me to tell me that she told her boyfriend that I was using her computer to talk to a guy and that I was cheating on my boyfriend. I was pissed that she would drag me into a situation like that while smearing my integrity. I told her that I wouldn't lie for her, not because I didn't care for her, but I really didn't feel comfortable lying to anyone about something like that. Cheating is not something I believe in and I refuse to go against who I am just to cover up someone else's mistakes.

It doesn't bother me that she cheated. Though it is something I wouldn't do, I still feel like that was her choice. What bothered me is that she involved me in a situation that I didn't ask to be in and on top of that threatened my integrity, my values and my beliefs by asking me to lie to her boyfriend just so that he wouldn't break up with her. She made a mistake, but I don't see why I have to lie to someone to cover it up.

It really bothers me. I feel like a true friend would never put me in that situation. She was one of the closest friends I had around here. I guess she wasn't as good of a friend as I thought she was. Its just sad. She now will not talk to me and even went as immaturely "defriended" me from facebook. So childish.

I love and respect myself, my boyfriend and my relationship. I would never give all that up by lying or cheating. And having someone ask me to lie about just that is wrong. I refused to do it and in fact felt really good about standing up for myself and what I believe in. Even though I lost a friend, I know I did the right thing.

Snow Day

It snowed and it snowed and it snowed here over the weekend. It snowed so much we got over two feet of snow.

I wasn't sure about being snowed in but it wound up being fantastic. I got snowed in at my boyfriend's house. I was worried about this because I wasn't sure how it would go. Being cooped up sometimes makes people go nutty or start nit-picking over the little things. But instead, it brought us closer together. I spent 5 days there with no breaks. And I enjoyed it. And he enjoyed it too. I think after these snow days he is much closer to moving in together. YAY!

I loved it. I love spending time with him and 5 snow days was perfect for us. We talked about the little things and the big things. We lounged. We watched movies. We worked as a team to shovel snow. We made the whoopie several times. We laughed. We played games together. We had a snow ball fight. We had fun!

He makes me happy! I am happy!

Yo-Yo weight

I've been trying to lose weight. I say trying cause I haven't really lost any. I started on January 4th and have lost only 5 pounds at the most. But really my weight has fluctuated between losing 2 - 6 pounds.



It is discouraging. I really am trying. I eat much smaller portions and I am eating healthier. I exercise more than I did before. And yet, nothing. I am about to give up.



I feel now anxiety about eating. I worry that if I eat I will never lose weight. So I have cut out my night time snack for the most part. I try not to eat unless I am hungry. I don't know what to do. Someone told me that I am not eating enough to lose weight. And I understand how that may be true. I just am not hungry for it.



I lost weight last spring without even trying. Just lost 15 lbs over a 2 month period and I wasn't even trying! Then because of medication I gained it all back. Now I am trying and not losing. SO frustrating. Is my medicine preventing me from losing the weight? Should I start eating around the clock (even though I am not hungry for it)?



I need some motivation! I need some support! I need help!

Once Happy

Our friends are getting a divorce. The husband cheated on his wife and they are separating.

I have so many thoughts about this. It makes me sad to see two friends go through this. I am worried about their well being and about how their children will handle it. I know that we will have to be there for them as they go through these hard times.

It is impossible to know what happened to lead up to these events. No one knows what goes on in any relationship behind closed doors. We tend to think that everything is fine. With the growing number of divorced couples, I find it hard to believe that everyone is doing peachy.

It also makes me think about myself and my relationship, which I know is really selfish while this is going on. I just don't want that for us. We need to commit to each other that no matter what the issue is that we talk it through and work it out. If you love each other enough, you can work through anything.

I guess our friends lost their love somewhere along the way. Its sad to see a once happy couple have to go down this path. I will support their family. If this is the decision that they feel is best for their family, than we will be there for them to offer support, comfort and friendship.

What is Love?

What is love?

Love is kissing me on the forehead whenever I feel sad. Love is taking care of each other when sick. Love is protecting me from ones that are unkind or rude. Love is holding each other as we fall asleep. Love is talking about not only the important stuff but the trivial stuff as well. Love is sharing a good laugh together. Love is being there when times get tough. Love is making me feel special and accepting me for who I am. Love is understanding. Love is not trying to change me even though that me may not be perfect. Love is patience that goes beyond what you think you had. Love is unconditional. Love is knowing that you will be in each other's hearts for the rest of your lives. Love is indescribable. Love is unexplainable.

There aren't enough words or thoughts to describe what love is. It is unspoken. It appears but never leaves.

That is what love is in my world (or at least what I can put into words). I love being in love!

It's 5 o' clock somewhere

I am very concerned about my boyfriend.

On Thursday night, he told me he wanted to go out with the boys. So he went with my blessing.

At 3 a.m. I am awoken by my phone ringing. My boyfriend never calls so when it was him I thought something was really wrong. I answered with a concerned "Hello." He was drunk. He told me that our friend drove him home because he was drunk and was upset that his car was still on the street. He wanted me to come pick him up to go get his car. I refused since I was warm in my bed and he was in no condition to drive. I told him I would pick him up the next day to get his car but not before.

But now I have more of the story. I talked to the designated driver about what happened. He told me that my boyfriend was so drunk that even the bartenders were worried. They were going to call a cab. Our friend told me that he has never seen him this bad.

My boyfriend drinks more often than anyone I know. That's not saying that he drinks a lot all the time, just the opposite. He drinks maybe one drink but drinks it everyday. Then on the weekends he will drink but not get drunk usually. But I have never met anyone who needs a drink before going to the movies or to bowling (two things I enjoy doing but never get to do because he prefers bars). I never met a family who at 5 p.m. start drinking a rum and coke. His mom drinks while watching television every night.

He has an excuse for it every time. "I'm Irish," "It's 5 o'clock somewhere," "Come on, its the weekend," "I had a bad day at work," "I just need a drink to calm down," "One drink isn't going to hurt". I've heard them all. I'm just tired of hearing it.

He says that he wants a future with me, but I have no desire to be married to or have children with someone who is a drunk. I am not spending my life with someone that will need a drink before seeing me walk down the aisle or need a few drinks before our children's soccer game.

What my boyfriend needs is help. He needs to go to therapy. I don't think he drinks enough to go to a rehab, but he definitely needs some sort of help. I am hoping that Thursday night kicked some sense into him, but I don't have high hopes for it.

Some would wonder why I stay with a drunk. Don't I deserve better? Perhaps. But I know him. I care for him. I want him to get better. If I didn't love him, I would just let him be a drunk without me. But since I do, I want to see him get help. With that being said, there is also only so much I can take. If he refuses to get help and this continues, I will have to say goodbye to him. That in itself, may be what it takes to get through to him, but I know that he also needs some support to get through it.

I wish I knew how to get him the help that he so desperately needs.

Rub Me, Baby

Why doesn't my boyfriend realize that sometimes instead of having sex I would prefer to have a really, long, relaxing back massage instead? Which if done really well would be orgasmic itself.

I'm not saying I never want to have sex again, I'm just saying that sometimes a good massage is better than a good fuck.

I give him back rubs and massages enough, its my turn.

The Ride

My boyfriend and I have been closer than ever since the fight that I thought was the end.

It leaves me a little confused but I am going with the flow. It makes me happy when he is happy and its been really nice that he is so loving. I guess he really does love and care for me.

It has me wondering what will happen when the next fight happens. Obviously, I'm not hoping that another fight will happen. But couples argue and I know that is normal. So, the next time he says something hurtful, I hopefully will stay calm and talk to him about it right then and there. That way a few days later he can't say that he didn't mean it that way or change his story. And hopefully that way we can discuss the issues and solve the problems immediately rather than waiting and getting upset for days.

For now, I am going to enjoy the ride!

The End?

Last night, I went out with my boyfriend and a few friends. We were at the bar and having a good time for a little while until my boyfriend just left me at the bar alone to go talk to some girls across the room. He says that he was trying to find a lady for our single friend, but I can't be so sure. After a while of sitting alone with no one to talk to, which let me tell you is OH so much fun, I got bored and tired from a long day at work. My boyfriend noticed that I was losing steam but seemed mad about it. I told him that I wanted to go home but he was having such a good time that we wound up staying for another hour while I pretended to be happy and awake. After that hour, I really wanted to go home. I was exhausted. I have had insomnia for about three weeks so my energy level is low. I just wanted to lay down. I gave my boyfriend a few options because I know that he was having a good time and didn't want to take him away from him. I told him that I would drive home and then pick him up when he was ready or that he could drop me off and then go back. I really was fine with these options. If I wasn't I wouldn't have offered them. He decided that we would both just leave. When we get home, he is mad. He is angry that I took him away from his friends. But he wasn't just mad, he said some very hurtful things that I just can't get out of my head. He said that he was happy that I was in his life but happier when I wasn't around. He said I was selfish and needy because I wanted to spend so much time with him. Keep in mind that I don't live with him so I only see him on the weekends and the occasional weeknight, but apparently that is too much time for him to spend with me. It just really hurts.

This morning he acted like nothing was wrong. I wasn't feeling good and he tended to me and seemed concerned. I had to call out sick from work not just because I wasn't feeling good but also because I was still upset from last night but trying to hold it in around him. In hind sight, I wish I went to work to keep my mind off of it.

I know that we have both been frustrated about work and we could be taking it out on each other. I'd like to think that is all that it is but I may be fooling myself. I don't know. I just don't want to feel like this anymore but the thought of breaking up terrifies me. I do love him and I don't want it to end. At the same time, I just can't feel sad all the time and worried about whether he really wants to be with me.

I don't know if he even remembers what happened last night. This is the way it always happens with us. We get into a fight. He blames me and thinks he can do no wrong which makes me frustrated and angry. He says some hurtful things. Then the next day we don't talk about it, we just go on with our day and when we see each other again we are back in our happy world. Its like an abusive relationship with the honeymoon period.

I'm not being selfish but its not all my fault. I am not saying that I am not to blame for all of it. But it takes two people to be in a relationship and he is not perfect either, though he thinks he is.

I don't know what to do. I am confused, angry and hurt (again). Is this the end?

Cute

To update my last blog, my boyfriend didn't talk to me much today either, turns out he was just busy and sad about work.

He said the following about our fight: "I think that you are a closet drama queen." "It's rather cute that you let it out which is why it doesn't bother me so much."

I'm not sure if this is a normal reaction to a fight. I am not sure what it means. I'm not sure why he ignored me, was cold to me and told me that he was mad. I'm not sure about any of it, but things seem ok with us now. I am just going to be more cautious, be less caring about me (not like I was to begin with ) and try to control my outbursts.

Outburst

I am sad, concerned, hurt, mad, frustrated and most definitely confused.

My boyfriend and I got into a fight last night over something very dumb. I admit that I totally lost my cool and got angry because I was frustrated and over tired. When I left his house this morning things seemed ok. We kissed goodbye and all he said was "you were very grouchy last night" with a smile and a chuckle. So I thought everything was ok. But he hasn't returned my calls or text messages. I instant messaged him and got no reply. So I am worried that he is either really mad or going to break up with me.

I cried on my drive home from work. I am thinking too much. He may just be busy and that is why he hasn't written. I didn't just cry because of the possible break up. I cried cause I just don't want to be angry and have these emotional outbursts or think that I am not good enough for him anymore. It's just not fair to me to be feeling like that all the time. I get help for my emotional issues and I work on them the best that I can. But damn it, I am good enough and if he can't see it then that is his problem.

OH UPDATE: He just wrote. He is mad. He said he is tired of it always being about me me me all the time. I think that he is trying to blame all the issues on me when it takes two to be in a relationship. I think it is a lot of him him him too. We always do what he wants to do, which usually consists of drinking at a bar (something I hate to do). But I do it to be with him. I can count on my right hand how many times he has come to my house. I always have to go to his. So for him to say that it is all about me, is just wrong. When I told him that I thought this, he said "then you'd be wrong" and "you're a fruit loop". I told him that I am trying to work on my issues but what about him working on his issues. Why is it always up to me to change me when he should be working on himself too.

I'm really at a loss as to what to do. I have been sad and confused all day. I can't go through another break up. I barely survived the last one. I just don't know what to do. I am consumed with too many thoughts and I don't like it.

Under the Weather

Yesterday, I wasn't feeling good, something I am not over today. I went to the doctor and was told it was a virus and to rest for the next few days.

Wednesdays are my usual date night with my boyfriend. It has been since we started dating. We usually do something that he wants to do, which usually means that we go to a bar somewhere. Last night, we had plans to go to the Colorado Cafe. I wasn't feeling good so I told him that although I wish I could go, I just don't feel up to it. He was not so understanding. Even though he said that my being sick was "aok with him", later on he gave me grief about it and tried to guilt me into going. I wouldn't give in, since I knew that once I went with him I would be stuck there for the duration of the night even though I had no energy and didn't even want to drink. He was even saying that I wasn't really sick, that I just had social anxiety and was using the virus as an excuse. Do I need to get a doctor's note now to excuse myself from activities with my boyfriend?

He is sick quite often and I have always been understanding, but because my illness interferes with his bar hopping he gets mad. Shouldn't he be more caring?

He hasn't talked to me since 7 p.m. last night. I texted "goodnight" to him, something I do every night, but no response. Seems ridiculous to me to be that upset about being sick.

I don't regret my decision to stay home. I fell asleep on the couch at 8:30 and just woke up about 13 hours later. So obviously I wasn't up to going out. I just wonder how long he will hold this against me since he has a knack for punishing me for certain things. Just not fair.

Happy Anniversary!

My boyfriend and I celebrated our first anniversary on New Year's. We re-created the night that we first met (well the best that we could) and it was wonderful.

Can you believe it, a whole year?

Happy Anniversary to us!! YAY!!

Missing Teaching

I think I hate my job. Actually I am mostly sure of it.

I thought that I would enjoy being a preschool director. I was a director before and loved it. But this school is different. Besides only being allowed to sit in an office all day and not interact with the children, the owner of the school is not only mean to me but also is cruel to the children. It is horrible what I hear her say to the children, it is just not acceptable. The school also is not following any state licensing regulations and is in fact breaking many of them. How this school remains licensed is a mystery to me.

I was never fully trained at this position so I go through work daily feeling incredibly unsure and unconfident in myself. Any one who knows me knows that if it is one thing that I am confident in it is my knowledge of child development and my ability to teach children. This job has zapped me of all of my confidence in what I do, what little I had left after my last job.

Today really bothered me. I am educated in how to teach children and how to make teachers and schools a better place for families. I am not trained in how to be a secretary and office manager. I do not know how to use quickbooks except for the bare minimums. I do not want to be in charge of the finances of not only the school but two other companies as well as my boss' personal finances. When I was hired they neglected to tell me that this would be the only thing that I would be doing and instead told me everything that I wanted to hear. Today, I told my boss that I think that there is less money in the accounts than she thought and I got in trouble. I felt terribly bad about it and I know part of it is my errors. But also, I was not trained in how to use quickbooks so how the hell was I supposed to know what to do. So she called the accountant and I had to sit in the office all day watching him do his work while being made to look foolish and feeling stupid.

I think that I actually miss teaching. I miss being creative and being a part of children's lives. I miss interacting with children and seeing that a-ha moment when they finally got something. I miss being in an environment where a child's uniqueness is fostered not diminished. I want to be in a more positive learning environment.

I feel like I may be making a mistake if I leave my current position. Am I meant to be a teacher and just a teacher? If I leave will I be able to do everything that my current flexible schedule allows? I think the flexible schedule is the only thing keeping me at my director job, is it worth it?