Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

I will be ringing in the new year with the people who got me through the year...my friends. These are friends that I just met this year through dance class, but I already know that these are people that I want in my life.

So we single people will be hanging out together when the ball drops.

There will be no kiss at the stroke of midnight for me, but there will be lots of friendly hugs and love.

Using Sarcasm as a Shield

Whenever my friends come to town, it's exciting. I can't wait to see them and hang out like we did back in high school, which usually brings us to a diner, a bowling alley and talking in the parking lot for hours. This Christmas was no different. My usual high school friends and I found ourselves splitting appetizers at the diner, bowling a few games at the local alley and hanging out in the parking lot because we don't want the night to end.

It makes me happy to see them and brings back old memories. But it also saddens me. It reminds me that I don't have everything that I want and a lot of times I find myself being jealous of my married friends and realizing that they are WAY more successful than I am in so many different ways.

I already feel like that on the inside, so I really don't need a friend saying those sentiments out loud. I got the impression that they think that I am stupid, making comments about how I get lost in my own town and that I couldn't do the math of what change I should get back after buying a drink. At the end of the night, my one friend was talking about how her sister is such a loser cause she still lives with her parents and hasn't made anything of her life. She described my life. I still live with my Mom (even though I really don't want to be) and I am in the same industry as her sister works in. I was hurt. I joked back with sarcastic comments but inside I wanted to cry. Is this what they think of me?

As much as I love spending time with them, it also reminds me of a life that could have been mine. It could have been me that was married with two kids. And I try not to think about the decisions I made or regrets that I have but it is hard when you are spending a few hours with a constant reminder of what could have been.

It's hard. I don't have many friends that live local, so I cherish the times with the friends of my past. But as I get older and more time goes by, it's getting harder and harder to hang out because of how I feel afterwards.

I don't know if I can do this for years to come, as much as I want to. It's just getting hard.

Standing Alone

I went to a holiday party tonight and I realized that I have a bit of social anxiety. Actually I have always known this but I think it is maybe getting worse.

I can be a very confident girl....sometimes. So this doesn't make much sense to me. Also, this was a party where I was around several friends. It was a huge party and I didn't know everyone but at the very least I knew ten people there. But I still was uncomfortable. I am just not fully myself at these things and I don't really know how to get over this.

I often feel left out at these things. There were several times tonight that I stood there alone while others were having conversations. Why couldn't I just join them in conversation instead of standing there? There were times I wanted to dance but just didn't have the courage to ask someone to dance with me.

I have always been awkward in big social situations like this but I never used to go to many so I would just suck it up once a year. But now that I go to several a year, I would like to enjoy myself a bit more.

Is there anything I can do to come more out of my shell or is this so ingrained in me that it will never change?

Love Being Single

Being single doesn't mean I have to have a downer of a Christmas. Here are some of the reasons why I am happy to be single during the holidays.

1) I can spend my money how I want to. Which means that I can get my family and friends special gifts and even buy myself something a little something. And if I want to splurge on extra gifts for my dog, no one is going to criticize me for it.

2) I can spend my time how I wish. Which means I can go to any holiday party I want to and I don't have to drag someone with me who doesn't want to go. I can also spend all my time with my family and friends on the holiday. I won't have to split time between families or spend time with in-laws that I really don't like. I also won't have to spend hours at the mall trying to find the perfect gift. And it does take hours, sometimes more, because I am a horrible gift giver. And this way, all my thoughts can be put to thinking up gifts for my loved ones and not for a boyfriend.

3) I have the right to flirt. At said holiday parties, I won't have to stick like glue to someone who doesn't know anyone there. I can mingle. And most of all, I can flirt. With anyone and everyone if I want to and not feel at all guilty. I can (and most likely will) flirt with every hottie there and not even care what the outcome will be. I will make it my goal to be THE girl at the party instead of just a girl at the party.

4) Being unmarried means that I will get gifts that are meant for me, and not for the house or the couple. Which means instead of getting towels or an appliance for Christmas, I will be unwrapping a sweater or shoes (and we all know how I LOVE shoes!)

5) I have the right to be selfish if I want to be. Which means if I want something for myself I can make it happen. I can buy myself extra gifts with the money I saved from not buying that gift for the boyfriend (Hello new ballroom dancing shoes!) All my goals for 2009 can be completely about me and not satisfying a significant other. Which means I can go back to school or find a new job or dedicate my free time to a hobby of mine. And I do plan on doing all of that and more because I can!

Would it be nice to have someone to kiss under the mistletoe? Of course. But I won't let that put a damper on my holiday. Maybe I can kiss several guys, who knows. The possibilities are endless.

Happy Holidays! Enjoy!

Too Much Thinking

Sometimes in moments of poor judgment or perhaps of pure sadness, I find myself wishing things were different and that I didn't break up with him. That last about a 20 seconds and then I remember all the crappy things he did while we were together and I become thankful that I got out.

It's like he didn't care for me. Like how he had me move in with him, even though it was 4 hours from my home and I did it. I sacrificed and I made the move. I thought it would make me happy too. But as I sat alone in the apartment crying that first night, I realized that maybe it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. He said that when I arrived he would leave work early so we could have our first meal together. I should have realized what the relationship was going to be like when he didn't leave work until 9 when he could have left at 5. I cried that whole night. I should have came home the next day.

Instead, I stayed for two more years. And it never got better. He was never home. He worked a lot and even when he could come home early, he didn't. Who knows what he was doing. I was left isolated in a place I wasn't familiar with and had no friends there. On the weekends, I wanted to spend it with him. I would plan dates and activities to do. And he would never want to go. He would rather have slept or sat on the couch. I was disappointed...and bored.

I remember when he said that he would go with me to get my dog's pictures taken with Santa. I waited all day and was so excited. It was Randy's first Christmas since I adopted him and I really wanted to go as a family to get the picture done. When he got home, he had totally forgotten that we were supposed to go. When I reminded him, he said he was too tired to go. I ran upstairs and cried for 2 hours. Then after I decided to take Randy myself. He came only cause he felt bad, but complained about it. I think he came cause I took control of the situation and was going to go by myself. He wanted me to stay home, I refused so he came but I don't know exactly why.

I sat in that apartment, day after day, hour after hour. Alone. Just me and the dog. He would accept new hours that would cause him to work until midnight. He kept saying that he would look for another job, but he never did. We never spent time together. I tried, but I don't think he wanted too. It doesn't surprise me that our relationship didn't last.

But even though I knew it was coming, it was still a shock to me when he told me one night that he decided to move back in with his parents. He kept saying it was because I wanted to come back to Jersey, but that's not the case. If I knew it could have worked out there I would have tried to make it work. But he was already gone. He decided without even discussing it with me, that he was going to move back home to his parents, even though he hadn't lived with them since high school. Sign of a desperate man, I suppose. I knew it was coming, but I still cried for days. I was in a really low place. How could he do that to me? He didn't care.

I tried hard to make a good home for him. I cleaned the house and made dinner for him. I don't know if he ever appreciated it. I don't know if he ever cared. Maybe it wasn't good enough for him.

Bottom line is that he didn't love me the way that I deserve to be loved. And I tried to love him but he didn't want that. Then by the time he wanted it, I already fell out of love with him and grew more and more frustrated with him.

I say that I am over him, but the truth is I don't know if I could trust another man. I guess I have tried to learn from my mistakes. I am definitely more cautious, but am I too cautious? And maybe I don't deserve the love that I think I deserve. No, that's not true. I deserve love. Everyone does. But will I ever find it? What if the next guy doesn't think its good enough either? I'm scared. I try to remain hopeful but deep down I am frightened. What if it's me? What if I am not capable of being the girlfriend? Great at friendship, bad at relationships.

Don't get the wrong idea and think that I want him back. I don't. I just don't understand some things. And some things you never get over. Most things you learn from and move on. I'm confused. I did everything I could in that relationship to make it work, but it still didn't last. So, if I gave it my all last time, who's to say that the next time, no matter how hard I try, that it will fail again. I know there is no formula for success or for love but how long do I have to wait?

Everyone tells me that once you find the one that you are meant to be with that it all falls into place. It will work out no matter what because that is what true love is.

I want that feeling...true love. I want to know what that feels like. I bet it's amazing.

(Damn, the holidays. Making me think again)

This Christmas

Today I got out my box of Christmas items that I accumulated while I lived with my now ex-boyfriend. There are some things in there that are just regular Christmas ornaments. Then there are other things that have special meaning and I will never be able to use again cause they remind me of him.

It has left me feeling a little sad. Like something is missing. That's been happening a lot lately. My brother moving into his own place has left me jealous and reminiscing. And now with the holidays...I don't know if I am going to get out of this funk.

Last year was my first Christmas back home after the break up and I was a little sad but also thankful to be back home. This year I am a little sad but I think it is for a different reason. I am jealous and a bit upset, but I certainly don't miss the ex-boyfriend. I am just sad that I haven't found love again. I guess I thought it would happen by now. I have been single for a year and half now and I was hopeful that by the second Christmas home that I would have someone to share it with. And since I don't, I just was wondering if I ever will find that person. Will I find him by next Christmas? I don't want just anybody, this time I hope he is "the one". But Santa, could you please bring him soon? I'm losing hope.

Exhausted

So, the doctor called and told me I have Epstein-Barr Syndrome. He said that this is caused by the mono I had in the beginning of the year. Apparently, once you have mono it remains dormant in your body, so it's able to reactivate at anytime. And now mine has reactivated, since my body was already weakened from the Vertigo. Isn't that great? I'll be battling this for the rest of my life! I was finally feeling better from the Vertigo and was looking forward to returning to work soon and all that was blown away with a single phone call.

I know that I wasn't feeling fully better. I have been exhausted over the last two weeks, have been sleeping for over 10 hours a night and still waking up tired. I knew something was wrong with my body but I was hoping that the fatigue was the result of being inactive. You know how sometimes you grow tired from not being busy.

He told me that rest was the only cure for it and to just wait it out again. Meanwhile, I have to stay home from work for even longer than I planned and I am a little worried about my job security. Will they hold my place for me? I think that they will have to hire someone to take my place, at least temporarily. They thought I would be back in a month and I have already been out for double that so now that I will be out for triple or quadruple what was originally planned, what will they do? With the economy being the way it is, why would they keep someone that they have to pay disability to when they can hire someone cheaper to do the job? Someone told me that they can't legally do that, but I am sure that there are ways for them to get around it if they want to. In fact, thats how I lost my last job. I got mono, was out for 3 months and didn't have a job once I was better. So, you have to understand why I would be worried.

It just has me a little stressed. I know that it all happens for a reason. Maybe I should just concentrate on resting and getting better and not on work. Doctor said to avoid stress. So I will try to do just that, watching re-runs of Desperate Housewives on DVD and painting Christmas ornaments for everyone.

Now I think I will take a nap. Doctor's orders.

Type Casting

There are a few types of guys in a single girls life. Some are date-able, some we pine over and others we avoid at all costs.

There's the guy you want but can't have. You flirt with him, you exchange looks with him, you joke and laugh with him, you talk with him often but for some reason or another he is unavailable to you. Maybe he has a girlfriend of his own. Maybe he is unattainable because of the position he is in. But he is off the date potential list for some reason. Sometimes as a single girl, you let this man out of your mind and other times you make a game out of flirting with him. But always know that he will never be your boyfriend, so that is all it is....a game.

Then there is the guy who thinks of you only as a friend. He hangs out with you, calls you, texts you, talks to you but that is as far as it will ever go. Even if you want it to go further, it never will. He just wants you as a friend for whatever reason. The more you try to date him, the further he pushes you away, so eventually you give up and accept that he is your acquaintance, but really you are hoping that he will change his mind one day and fall head over heels for you.

There is the guy who you think of as only a friend. He is a nice guy. You know he is a good person and probably would make a great boyfriend but for some reason you just aren't attracted to him. It's confusing to a single girl because he is a great catch. It would make sense to want this guy with the kind personality who is super polite and opens doors for you but you just aren't attracted to him and have no explanation for it.

Then there is the guy who you avoid at all costs. He thinks he is God's gift to women and is only after you for the sex. He has confidence in some things but not in everything. He will flirt with every girl in the place in hopes that one of them accepts his offer. He may be the desperate one. He may be the cocky one. All you know is that he is the one that you can't stand to be around. You try to become suddenly busy when he walks in the room. Your statements are short with him in hopes that he loses interest in the conversation. Sometimes you don't even know why you hate him, but you do and you can't wait until he walks away and leaves you alone.

Then there is the guy who walks into your life and changes it. You may not like him when you first meet him or you may want him as soon as you lay eyes on him but one day you'll realize that you can't live without him. That is the man of your dreams, the love of your life. And we all hope that someday we will meet that special person that will change our life for the better.

Diagnose

I've been really down this past week. It probably has been brewing for a while but I'm definitely feeling it the past few days.

As you know, I haven't been feeling well for over a month. I put my trust in doctors and I have pretty good ones. But I have lost my faith in them a bit. After feeling like crap since August, they still don't know what is wrong. And now my symptoms are changing. It used to just be dizziness so they diagnosed me with vertigo. Now, I am so tired that I am sleeping over 11 hours a night and still not waking up feeling rested. What is going on with my body? I am frustrated, tired, and scared and no one is helping. The doctors don't know what is wrong or how to treat. My mom keeps pushing me to go back to work and I feel like I lost some of the new local friends I made before the sickness. I have been home with little social interaction for 6 weeks now. I just want to feel back to normal.

Feeling sick is enough to put someone into a funk. Being isolated and disconnected from the world can push someone into a depression.

And then there is jealousy.

My brother moved into a new apartment a few weeks ago and I am COMPLETELY jealous. I want nothing more than to move out of my Mom's house and into a place all my own. Oooooh...my own place...privacy...quiet...being able to walk around naked. It is a dream of mine. One that will never come true. But my brother is living my dream. His place is beautiful and it reminds me of the times I was out living life on my own. I am jealous. And the jealousy has made me a little depressed.

The holidays are coming up. It's the most wonderful time of the year. I want it to be a happy holiday. I know that it won't be for my family. It will be the first Christmas without my Dad. Is it wrong of me to want a happy holiday when my family will be sad about the loss of my Dad? I feel like it is wrong for even wanting to celebrate it. But I want to...I want to celebrate it and be happy and go shopping and decorate and enjoy the most wonderful time of the year without feeling guilty about it. I don't think that is going to happen this year and it makes me sad that I have to pretend to be sadder than I really am because my family is in a down period.

What do I need to do to get out of this funk? :(

Photographs

I have had two days to think after the wedding and four days to think after Thanksgiving and I'm not happy. I would say I am sad and depressed after having time to process the events.

Thanksgiving was held at my brother's place this year. Usually, my Mom would cook and we would all hang out together watching football and eating. My brother just moved into a new apartment a month ago to live with his girlfriend. I am happy for them but also insanely jealous. It also reminded me of the times when I lived with my boyfriend and made me sad that I have lost that.

My Mom has a tradition. She takes a picture of her children in front of the turkey before it is carved. It used to be of me, my sister and my brother. Then my sister moved out and it was just of me and my brother. Last year it was of me and my brother and my dog (who was staring at the turkey ready to devour it...very funny pic). This year, my Mom took a picture of my brother and his girlfriend in front of the turkey. I wasn't asked to be in the picture at all.

My Mom is obsessed with taking pictures. When we went to the wedding, she took a lot of pictures. My brother was in the wedding party, so of course, she took lots of pictures of him in his tux and at the ceremony. She took lots of pictures of him dancing with his girlfriend at the wedding and lots of pictures of him sitting at the table talking with his girlfriend. She didn't take one picture of me.

I know that at my age I shouldn't be jealous of my brother getting more attention from my Mom. But I can't help but wonder if my Mom thinks I am a failure. The whole time at the wedding she kept talking to me about how I didn't have a boyfriend. And when others at our table asked about my date, she said, "Oh, he couldn't make it. He had to work." Is she embarrassed by me? Why did she have to cover up the fact that I came to the wedding alone?

I have always felt like I kinda failed at life. I think that since I was a child I was told that I will grow up, get married and have a family. Now that I don't have that, did I fail? I certainly am made to feel like I did. How does one measure success in their life when they don't have much in life to feel successful about? Am I a failure at life?