Addition

"Most people miss their whole lives, you know. Listen, life isn't when you
are standing on top of a mountain looking at the sunset. Life isn't
waiting at the altar or the moment your child is born or that time you were swimming in deep water and a dolphin came up alongside you. These are fragments. 10 or 12 grains of sand spread throughout your entire existence. These are not life. Life is brushing your teeth or making a sandwich or watching the news or waiting for the bus. Or walking.
Every day, thousands of tiny events happen and if you're not watching, if
you're not careful, if you don't capture them and make them count, you could miss it.

You could miss your entire life."

From the book Addition by Toni Jordan.

I just read this wonderful book, an excellent read. It reminded me a little of me and my boyfriend. I was perfect just the way I was when we met, just as he was perfect for me that cold New Year's Eve in 2009. You just have to accept each other and continue to love each other unconditionally. This book also reminded me to look at the little things, it will change your life.

Not So Skinny, But Still Beautiful

I was talking to my boyfriend on IM.

He at first told me that he was not pleased by my text message to him this morning. I wrote him to tell him that I was upset, frustrated and stressed over my medical issues. Doctors still have not found a diagnosis and with each test that comes back normal I get more and more hopeless and depressed. He told me that I am "causing myself to be a victim" says I should "look past the doom and gloom and say all is well." And said "so what, you don't have the answer yet, move on." He feels that I shouldn't worry about the medical issues at all--that they will be solved when they get solved.

That was just the beginning, then he mentioned my weight. I have gained weight despite my efforts of eating much less than I used to. I believe the weight gain is due to the drugs I have to take to stop the seizures from happening. We have one of his company events to go to this weekend and the dress I want to wear he says may not fit due to the weight gain, even though it fit just a month ago. I told him that I am sure that it will fit, but if it doesn't no big deal, I'll buy another dress. He said "well you should worry about it and worry a lot about it." Now I understand that weight gain can become a health problem, but we are talking about maybe 10 pounds over the past 3 months or so. It's not like I have ballooned up to 300 pounds in 3 months. But that's besides the point.

Let me get this straight, I shouldn't worry about my health and medical issues but I should overly worry about the 10 pounds I have gained! It just got me thinking about how society has put such an emphasis on our looks and our weight that now people think that being skinny is more important than being concerned about medical issues. There is something seriously wrong with this world if I am expected to accept that having seizures nightly is normal as long as I am skinny. Or that I should stop taking the medicine just to lose the weight it made me gain in the first place. It really really bothered me.

As a preschool teacher, I am going to start one by one teaching the children I have care to accept people of all shapes and sizes. It may be a small dent in the problem, but at least I will hopefully make a difference in a small part. We need to teach this to children young, that people of all types, colors, sizes, shapes, orientations, races and religions are what make this country great. Accept and learn from all them.

I can't believe that my boyfriend even would say that to me. Seriously, he is worried about my weight more than the fact that I have seizures at night. Something needs to be said to him because that just isn't right. I am beautiful just the way I am (even if I did gain 10 pounds).

Merry - Go - Round

Life on the home front has not been so great for me lately. Put aside the fact that still living with my mother at the age of 30 is taking a huge hit on my emotional status, my brother moved back home recently and it is causing me more stress than I like to have at home.

My dog, Randy, has never been a fan of my brother, Joe. He has always barked and growled at him when seeing him or upon my brother's arrival. My brother doesn't help this relationship by being mean to Randy and just overall not making an effort to be nice at all.

Since my brother has moved home, Randy's barking and aggression toward my brother has become worse. It seems that Randy has enjoyed a Joe-free year and is really angry that he is back full time. All week Randy has been barking, almost constantly at Joe, leaving me with a headache and a lot of stress.

Since my brother is not making an effort to calm this situation, I have stopped attempting to quiet Randy. I used to try, but it has been way to stressful and I can't deal with it anymore (have I mentioned the major week long headache that won't go away).

I'm not sure where to go from here. I can't stand the barking, I can't stand the meanness, I love them both, I'm tired of being stressed in my own home.

There are other stresses at home that have been straining to me. My brother lives in the room next door (the big beautiful room that used to be mine, but my mom refused to let me move back in there even though Joe moved out. That is a whole other set of issues that cause me emotional pain). My brother and his girlfriend aren't always quiet. I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping. Some of the lack of sleep is due to medical issues, but some is due to the noise level coming from the room next door. For a person that needs to dedicate as much time to sleep as possible due to the medical problems, having some noises next door is not welcoming.

Seeing my brother and his girlfriend sleep here every single night, also makes me a little jealous. My boyfriend never even comes to my house let alone sleep over. I always have to sleep at his house and it is usually on the weekends. So, I have a little envy over their relationship, since I would love to see my boyfriend every day, but don't.

I really need to move out. I don't know if I can't take much more. But that puts me in a hard spot because I can't afford to move out right now. Apartments are expensive around here and I don't make that much money. And then that reminds me of how I don't like my job and want to make more money and around and around we go.

I just want the stress to end. Make the merry-go-round of emotions end.

Just Not Sure

I am really not sure about a lot of things lately. Life in general just has me down and confused.

Things with my boyfriend haven't been going so great lately. We have been having mini arguments and I have been sadder and sadder around him than usual. I know that we are opposites, but its getting to be too much when he doesn't want to compromise at all. Its all what he wants to do and nothing what I want to do. Just not fair. I'm just asking for compromise. Then, this weekend, we did something he wanted to do = go to a bar. I finally got up the courage to sing karaoke and he when I looked around while I was singing. It was my first time and I was so proud and he wasn't there. He was outside smoking or flirting with someone else, or God knows what cause i couldn't find him after. It upset me. I probably over reacted but I got really upset and it caused an argument that night that didn't really end for a while. The next morning I was so depressed that I had self-destructive thoughts and had to call my therapist to calm me down. I am just starting to wonder if this relationship is the one I have always dreamed of. We have LOTS of good time too. He makes me happy, makes me laugh, is very supportive and is always there for me when I need him. He balances me out and calms me down. Do the good things outweigh the bad?

I am also having second thoughts about my new job. I have been there for two months now. I have enjoyed the job until this week when my boss has been blaming me for things that others are doing and yelling at me for things that I wasn't trained about. It is not my fault that I was not trained properly. I guess they want me to be a mind reader, but I just can't take it. I also don't find it fair that they tell me one thing and I go and do that and then then next day they change their minds and blame me for doing the wrong thing. My second doubts escalated yesterday when my boss threatened to spank a child. Abuse is something I will not tolerate. It is sometimes such a negative working environment. Is this the type of place that I want to work at?

Enough

Am I not enough for my boyfriend? Why do we always have to have "plans" to hang out?

It's Friday! Yay! And one of my favorite things about Fridays is that I get to see and hang out with my boyfriend. I don't really see him during the week. We don't live together and he works crazy hours sometimes, so I look forward to Fridays.

Tonight I was and still am looking forward to seeing him, but because we don't have "plans" with other people he now wants to scrap hanging out with me because "we have nothing planned to do". I don't understand. Why does we need to have a group to hang out? Am I not good enough? Does he need a distraction from me? It confuses me. It makes me wonder about our relationship.

Now I know I could be totally over-reacting here, but it just bothers me.

Serenity Now

I got the apartment!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is all mine as of October 15th!! I am super excited. Finally, a place of my own. Peace. Quiet. Serenity. PRIVACY! I can't wait, I am just so very excited!

I am not sure how to tell my mom. As I have said before she is completely and totally overemotional. I know that she will cry at this news even though the apartment is less than 5 minutes from here. I feel this is a happy event, and should be happy news. But she will feel that even though I am 30 years old, that I am abandoning her. She would be ecstatic if we all stayed at home forever and never moved out.

But due to my recent psychological discoveries that my mother and this environment make my depression and anxiety sky rocket, I feel it is the right time for me to start healing and live in my own place.

I am so excited. I am meeting with the landlord this weekend and going to bring my boyfriend to see the apartment. I can't wait!

Paging Doctor Librarian

Since doctors have not helped in my sleep seizure issues, I have decided to take things upon myself and do a little research. I went to the library today and found tons of information on epilepsy, sleep disorders, and the best doctors in the New York metro area who specialize in seizures. Through hours of reading and scanning and flipping through pages I have found something that sounds VERY similar to what I am experiencing. It is called nocturnal frontal lobe epilepsy and I have many of the symptoms.



Now if I found that in just a few hours of focus and time, how come several doctors could not figure this out?



Read all about this crazy disorder that I may have at http://www.mayoclinic.com/print/frontal-lobe-seizures.

Now I just need to find a doctor to either confirm or deny this and to effectively treat this for me so I can start to live my normal life again.

Thanks to the librarian at Kinnelon Public Library for her superb help and kind words. I don't remember your name, but you helped me more than any doctor I have seen in the last six months. Thank you!

My New Business

Started selling my crafts and creations online, so check out the website= alisonjoy79.etsy.com for upcoming handmade items that you may want to buy for yourself or to give as gifts. More items to sell are coming, I just started the website so it is limited at this time, but please keep checking back for more creations!

Don't forget : alisonjoy79.etsy.com

Love ya!

A Place of My Own

I have been looking at apartments in the past week, because I feel like I am ready to move out of my Mom's house. I appreciate all that she has done for me and helped me get back on my feet, but I feel like I am at the right point in life to have a place of my own. I am craving more privacy and just a feeling that I have something that is my own space rather than living in a closet size room. The apartments I looked at are close by to her so if she needs me I can be there in less than 5 minutes and if I get lonely I can go visit her whenever I want.

I looked at two apartments. One was absolutely beautiful. It has a lot of space. A huge kitchen, a huge dining room, a huge bedroom and and even bigger living room. A lot of space for little ol' me, probably way too much space for me. The grounds and apartment were quiet and beautiful but the price was very high. The second place I looked at was also on beautiful grounds, even bigger grounds than the first apartment. The apartment was nice, it was smaller but still had a good amount of space. A large living room, small kitchen and large bedroom. It was more my size, and more in my price range. I was happy with this place and was hopeful about it.

I am worried about a few things.

1) The potential landlord for the smaller apartment called today and he seems interested in letting me rent the apartment, but said he was checking my credit and that worries me. The whole reason why I had to move into my parent's house two and a half years ago was because my ex boyfriend screwed me over finacially and it messed my credit up badly. I explained this to the landlord when I viewed the apartment and I hope that he is understanding but I am afraid that he is going to call and say that he can't rent to me and that will just discourage me

2) I am afraid to tell my Mom that I am moving out. Last time I told her I was moving to Maryland a few years ago, it took her over a year to get over and she cried for weeks. This time shouldn't be so bad since I am going to be closer but I was also there when my brother told her that he was moving a half hour away and she cried for days. I just don't know how to break the news to her. And I may have to accept that she may react emotionally no matter what.

3) My boyfriend doesn't fully agree with this idea. He thinks I should have a roommate because he feels that I will get lonely. I want nothing to do with having a roommate, I just want to have a space of my own. He also wishes that if I were to move into a new apartment that it would be closer to him. He thinks that I should just move into the basement of my Mom's house. I have NO desire to do that because of the years worth of work that it will take to clean that up.

I know that I am excited for it. I am 30 years old and I am ready to move into my own place. I am excited for it, I just wish everyone was on board with it.

Trembling with Fear....Still

I still get seizures and tremors while sleeping. I am getting very frustrated and upset at it. I am just very tired of not feeling well and just want to know what is going on with my body so it can be treated.

I went to the neurologist and she claimed it was anxiety and dismissed me.

I went to a psychiatrist who said that it is impossible to get an anxiety attack while asleep unless you have a sleep phobia, which I don't.

I had blood work done which all came back "perfect" as the nurse described.

I had an MRI done. I was so hopeful that this would give me an answer. It is really sad when you are hoping that the doctor will call to tell you that something is actually wrong with your brain just so that you know what is wrong. But no, the MRI came back normal.

I want to have an EEG done, but my primary care physician says that I have no need to make an appointment unless I am having a problem. News Flash! I am having a serious, constantly recurring problem of having tremors in my sleep causing me to be exhausted all the time. So should I call at 4 a.m. when I am having a tremor and tell them I am having a problem? Craziness.

I am going to a highly recommended doctor on October 5th. I made this appointment in June and have been waiting. He is my last hope, but I also refuse to stop fighting to find out what is going on with my body. I can't live like this for the rest of my life. The medicines they give me are inconsistent and I just can't handle this lack of sleep much longer. I really hope that this doctor, who was recommended to me by several people and physicians, will be able to figure it out.

I am just worried that there are no answers and I will suffer forever. I have been keeping a journal of every shake, tremor and seizure, as well as the times that I feel pretty good and what is working to stop the tremors (which isn't much). My boyfriend started video taping the tremors at night since I am asleep when they happen and we are going to show them to the doctor, in hopes that seeing it will give a clearer answer.

I just want to feel better. That is all I want. I just wish it would happen soon.

Trembling with Fear

I am terrified, worried, afraid, upset, sad sick, nauseated and confused.

A few months ago, I started getting little twitches in my arms and legs while falling asleep or laying down. I ignored it at first because it was manageable. But then I was getting no sleep at all after a while and I went to the doctor and he diagnosed me with Restless Legs Syndrome and he gave me an anti-convulsion medicine.

I took the medicine and I was happy that I could sleep at night but then the twitches started happening during the day, so at the next appointment, the doctor raised my dose.

I took the new higher dose and began having violent full body movements while sleeping. They occurred several times a night and would wake my boyfriend up but I would sleep right through them. The doctor told me I had to go on a sleep study but to remain on the same dose of medicine.

Last week, I began having tremors and seizures. First, my right hand will shake, like a person with Parkinson's Disease would have. Then my whole right side will tremble. Then I have a strong urge to lay down and then my entire body will go into seizure. Most of the seizures I don't remember, it is like I am unconscious. I went back to the doctor and he gave me a higher dose of my current medication as well as a new anti-seizure medicine.

I took the medicine as directed and went to work. I had a tremor at work. I don't think that it was a full on seizure because I remember the entire event and I usually don't when I have a seizure. But either way, it was horrible because it was a work, at a job that I just started on Monday. I was trying to hide the seizure thing from them because I work with kids and I didn't want to get fired. But that only lasted so long....in fact.... 4 days. Well they won't let me come back to work until i have a note from the neurologist saying that I am capable of driving and working with children.

I can't really worry about the job right now. I wasn't there that long and that isn't even what matters right now. What is important is my health. I am scared to death. The doctor did mention a possible seizure disorder. I just want it diagnosed. I don't want to continue taking these meds, that most of the time do not work, just to mask the symptoms. I want to know what is causing them and what the diagnosis is. I'm scared of it all but I will deal with it as it comes. I have to just trust that things will be ok. Thank goodness for me that I have a great family, boyfriend and friends that love and support me.

The Best

I have the best boyfriend in the world!

On Friday night / Saturday Morning, when I had a MAJOR emotional meltdown, he was right there next to me being the support I need. He talked, I cried, He hugged. He handled the situation calmly and in the end after I fell asleep, he put his arm around me and snuggled with me. Upon waking up, I apologized and thanked him and we talked more about the situation. He told me he still loves me and he cheered me up.

Later that afternoon, we went shopping to prepare for our vacation next week. We went to the sports store and he purchased over $300 of water sports attire for me. I told him that he didn't have to pay for it, that I would pay or that maybe I would just not jet ski while on vacation. He just kissed me on the cheek and said that he "wants " to pay for it so that I could have a good time on vacation.

He's the best. I love him, and not because he buys me things, but because he makes me feel good. He sticks by me through the good and the bad things. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. He makes me so happy and I am so lucky to have him! :)

Bothers

Tomorrow is my interview. I thought by now that I would be looking forward to it. Instead, I am dreading it and have realized that I really don't want to be in this profession anymore.

Tell that to my boyfriend. He thinks that in these poor economic times that it would be stupid not to take a well paying higher position. He says going back to school to pursue a totally different career track is just not what one should be doing when a good job is available.

I tried explaining to him last night that I have not enjoyed working in preschools for almost five years now. I have given it more than chance and I am still not happy with it. He thinks that a new school and new position is what will help me to re-discover my love for teaching. Perhaps he is right, but I haven't loved teaching for a VERY long time, so re-discovering it will have to be a long trip back in time.

I'm still lost and probably will be more lost after the interview tomorrow. I guess I will have to wait and see what happens.

____________________________________________________________________

On another note. My boyfriend and I went out last night. While we were driving to our second destination, my boyfriend made some comments that I haven't been able to shake. We both had a few drinks in our systems.

Comment 1: He told me that he doesn't appreciate the unemployed "losers" because he has to pay for them to be unemployed. He feels that he shouldn't have to pay for people to "sit on their bums" all day.

I don't know if he was talking about me or about the unemployment system, but I am one of the many that have become unemployed recently and knowing that he thinks I am a loser that sits on my bum all day really irks me.

Comment 2: He had mentioned that he was mad at me on Saturday, though this is this first I heard this. He said that it bothered him that at our friends barbecue that I sat there talking to him rather than mingling around. He thought I didn't have a good time because he was there and that made him mad. He thought I was trying to "sabotage" the event.

The thing is...I had a great time at that party. I go to this party every year and it was the first time he had been invited. Its the type of party where you sit in lawn chairs talking, laughing, drinking and eating. It isn't really a walking around, mingling kind of event. This "sabotage" comment was not the first time that he has mentioned that. He thinks that I ruin events just to get attention or to cause a fight. I remember only one other time that I caused a fight at an event and that wasn't because I wanted attention it was that he pissed me off. He acts like I am not supposed to ever get mad or sad or annoyed and if I do he thinks it's sabotage.

I don't know. I don't want to bring up these comments again to him but they have been lingering in my mind all day today. I am just bothered by them.

Lost

It's been three days of doing nothing since the lay off.

I applied for unemployment...always fun.
I filled out a FAFSA for school....which is confusing.
I took my dog for a walk at his favorite park.
I made an appointment for my dog at the vet.
I painted.
I cleaned.
I fixed up my tree frog's cage.

But mostly I sat around my house looking for something to do, which usually ended up in me sitting on the couch watching t.v. or on the computer or reading a book. None of which I mind doing, but doing this for forty hours a week gets pretty boring.

I have one interview next week for a better position in a good school. I am not even looking forward to it. I had my heart set on going back to school. Filled out my financial aid forms the day I got the call for the interview. Now that this vacant position is better than my last one, I am starting to be confused about what I should do. I am not at all excited for this interview, but will probably wind up taking it if it is offered to me, and therefore prolonging going back to school. I know that I will not be fully happy working in this field anymore, but I feel pressured to take the job.

I spent my entire adult life trying to build myself into something that was marketable to the teaching profession. I have done just that. I went to a well known university that had an excellent child development and early education program. I did well in school, making the dean's lists and the president's lists. I enrolled in great internships and student teaching programs. I graduated with honors. I have had several teaching positions and have built on each one. I have won teaching awards and have excellent references. My resume is impressive. I am an excellent candidate for any position in the early childhood education field. The only thing is...I don't want it anymore. I spent all that time building myself into a model teacher and I have now lost my passion for it. But now that I have such an impressive background, is that all I am worth?

I'm so confused...SO very confused. I don't know what to do. I just want to be happy and I haven't been happy teaching in years. Yet everyone I talk to tells me I am crazy for not wanting to teach since I have built up such a knowledge of education and have a lot of experience. They say to start over is just going in the wrong direction. I don't know what to do. I just want a better future and happiness. I just don't know how to achieve that right now.

Tonight is Wednesday. Wednesday is my usual date night with my boyfriend. We didn't do anything. In fact, it wasn't even mentioned once today about it being date night. I have been sitting home for the last three days, bored and sad that I am now one of the many people in this country to be unemployed. I REALLY needed to get out and have fun and take my mind off of things. I needed a hug and cuddles from my boyfriend. Instead he is still at work. Yup, still at work at 11:30 at night.

So I was just IM'ing him and started telling him how I was sad, lost and confused. He asked "why". I told him my reasons and then he says "Sorry you are confused. I have to go outside and get fresh air. Good Night" That doesn't help me at all!!!! That made me feel even more upset. To have no support from the one person who should love and support you in life, is really difficult to deal with especially when I have other things that I am having trouble sorting through.

I'm just confused, sad, frustrated and lost. I hope for the answers soon.

"Even in the darkest moments, there is always room for love and hope"

The Lay Off

I got laid off yesterday. My boss pulled me into her office and told me that Friday would be my last day. I wasn't as sad as I should be. It didn't even fully worry me. I was actually more relieved than anything. Now I can go back to school full time while collecting unemployment and makes the decision to go back to school much easier.

I was very excited about this possibility...until I received a lack of support from my boyfriend. He is convinced that I should go back to school for my masters degree in education rather than criminal justice. And now he is saying that I should put off going back to school, because I need to find a job in this economy before someone else does. He said it's just not the right time and having a job is more important because of today's economic times

I want to go back to school and at this point I feel like nothing is stopping me. That is what I want to do. I even got laid off at work because of my desire to go back to school--I know sounds backwards, but they knew that if I went back to school that it would mean that I would have to cut my hours to do so. They figured that allowing me to collect unemployment was a gift. Nice of them, but honestly it kind of did make it all easier...well until I received criticism from my boyfriend.

His comments made me think about my decision a little bit more, but I still have a strong desire to go back to school. I am pretty sure that I am still going to go through with it. It is what I have been wanting to do for months now...and I just can't give up on myself now!

Rejuvenated

I saw my boyfriend on Wednesday after feeling distant from him for a few days. I really wanted to see him but was also was nervous. I wasn't sure how he would act around me. I was afraid we maybe lost our spark.

I had no reason to be nervous. We were goofy together as always. We talked about everything and nothing. We laughed and had a good time. And I think we really missed each other. I felt truly loved by him. His little kisses and his big ones made me feel like we are just as much in love as we were before.

After seeing him on Wednesday night, I feel refreshed and rejuvenated. I am not as sad in general. It is like a weight has been lifted.

It also reassures me that no matter how long of a time we are apart that we will still have our love for each other. Absence in our case makes the hearts grow fonder.

Distance

On Saturday night, I had a conversation with my boyfriend via IM. I wouldn't say it was an argument but rather a discussion of the things that were bothering him in our relationship. It was upsetting to me because he seemed to believe that everything that is "wrong" in our relationship is my fault.

One of the things that he mentioned is that he is not used to having a girlfriend after being single for 30 years. I understand that so I tend to give him a lot of space during the week. We typically go out once on a week night and see each other on the weekends. I feel like that is a lot of time for him to do things for himself, and I try not to bug him too much. Well, apparently he wants even more space and told me to "take what you can get and be happy with it". It made me feel like he didn't want a girlfriend at all and didn't want to spend anytime with me.

Since that conversation, I have done just that. I have given him his space. I haven't really talked to him that much since Saturday. I haven't IM'ed him at all and I text him once during my lunch to see how his day is going and once at night to say goodnight. Because of this, I feel very disconnected from him. So distant that I feel like I almost don't have a boyfriend at all this week.

I am trying to respect his wishes and hope that this gives him the space he needs to do whatever it is his single attitude wants to do. I am also hoping that absence makes that heart grow fonder, but I do have a fear that he will realize that he doesn't miss me, want me or need me.

In the meantime, I miss him a lot. I like conversing with him, and joking and seeking his advice. In sum, I enjoy his company, I just wish that he enjoyed mine as much as I enjoy his.

Acceptance

I got accepted to John Jay College for Criminal Justice!!!!!!!

I am super excited and when I got the acceptance letter I couldn't stop smiling. I am also very, very nervous and scared. It is such a change--in career and life. My entire schedule will be different and it will be an adjustment.

I am also worried that I will not be happy after all this work to change my career. After all, I went to school for 4 years to become a preschool teacher and wound up hating it, so I am concerned that those feelings will happen again. I hope not but who knows.

I am excited and happy with a little bit (or rather a lot) of caution.

The First Time

The First Time My Boyfriend Said "I Love You" While Being Halfway Sober

June 13th, Saturday afternoon.

We were hanging out in the garage (of course!) and we were just talking. I was facing his Mom's car and he came from behind to give me a hug and to cuddle. Then he says, "I have to apologize." I said "Okay" and was really confused because I didn't understand why he needed to apologize. Then he continued "Because I have a little bit of alcohol in my system, but I love you. I really do. You know that right? Because I love you!" I turned around to face him and gave him a kiss and a hug and said to him "I love you too. I love you so much!" He was all teary eyed so I know that he meant it which made me all teary eyed and then we stayed in an embrace for a long time.

Later on we talked about marriage and how happy we made each other.

It was a perfect tribute to our relationship. My boyfriend isn't an alcoholic even though it sounds like that from the title of this blog. But the big joke that we have is that he can't express his feeling when he is sober, that's why he apologized for the alcohol being in his system. He had one drink that afternoon with lunch. He has said "I love you" SEVERAL times while being very drunk. And I know by the way he treats me that he does love me, it's just nice to hear it once and a while.

Hopefully, I'll be hearing this more often now that he broke the seal and said it once, but if he doesn't I still know in my heart that it's love. :)

When Horseplay Turns Into Mayhem

We had a nice little Saturday going. We slept in and talked about the great time we had the night before. We made breakfast and watched movies. He told me that he loved me, the first time while being sober! And he said that he wished he could meet my Dad. He told me that he says "Don't worry, I'm taking good care of her" every time he passes my Dad's cemetery. It was one of the happiest days I have had with him. I was excited and happy and in love.

We were in a good, goofy and silly mood. We were joking around and just having fun. We were getting ready to go shopping. While walking down the stairs, my boyfriend paused at the bottom two steps. I put my arms around his neck and jumped up on his back to ride him piggyback style. He lost his balance and we fell. He hit his knee. I bumped my head on the table...hard. Very hard. I immediately got a huge bump on the back of my head. His Dad heard the ruckus and came up from the basement to see what had happened. He was very concerned and my one bump turned into two huge bumps. We took a trip to the hospital and the doctor said I had a concussion.

I was in pain. I had difficulty walking and was dizzy. I was very very tired. I was also sad and disappointed that I had ruined our wonderful day. And it was a very wonderful day. I didn't want that day to end...but it did with a huge crash. I feel stupid to get a concussion over horseplay.

I slept at his house and he and his Dad took care of me. I love my boyfriend. He really did take excellent care of me from holding my hand in the hospital and wiping my tears when I was scared and sad. I love him and hope that he cares for me forever.

Arrogance

Yesterday we went to my boyfriend's friend's house to launch their jet skis. His friend's name is Alex and also happens to be his boss. My boyfriend has known him for a long time and the two of them are close. I stayed behind with Alex's wife while the boys had their fun in the water. I like Alex's wife and had a really good time talking and hanging out with her.

I was totally comfortable in the situation until we were standing on the dock watching them come in with their jet skis. Alex made it back first and docked his ski. I saw that my boyfriend's jet ski got clogged and he went in the water to fix it. I stood their watching while Alex insulted my boyfriend saying he was a "dumbass", "stupid", "he just doesn't listen", and "did you expect him to actually be smart". Now I know that friends engage in some friendly jokes but this to me sounded like he really thought that he was dumb. Alex didn't laugh after he said it, he just seemed annoyed.

After hearing that, I became uncomfortable being at his house. I told my boyfriend that I was uncomfortable but didn't tell him about the insults. Eventually I ignored Alex, which was difficult since we were at his house, and I managed to have a good time by playing with Alex's three year old daughter.

It's really hard. This is not the first time this has happened. At a wedding, Alex tried to convince me to break up with my boyfriend. I told him about it and at work the next day my boyfriend defended me and told him off. Now Alex doesn't directly talk to me usually, which is fine by me.

I don't like Alex. Besides insulting my boyfriend, I find Alex to be arrogant, bossy and abusive. I am not comfortable around him. I wish I had the guts to say something to him when he is being insulting and rude, but I know that he is his boss and I try not to make waves for him at work. I also will have to hang out with him more and more and want to feel comfortable around him. I don't know what to do about it. Its just a hard situation. And is there a rule that says I HAVE to like all of my boyfriend's friends?

Flip Flop

I've been really indecisive about college / career plans this past week.

I was all prepared to send my graduate school application in. Then I had a conversation with my boyfriend and a friend and both gave me the same advice. Make the smaller change first and see if that makes you happy before making a bigger change. Basically they were saying that instead of totally changing careers that maybe a move to a different type of school or teaching a different grade may be the better solution.

That night I went online to search public schools for vacancies in the upcoming school year. And as I am doing this, I realize that I am not excited at all at all the possible opportunities. I was unhappy, unexcited and pretty much miserable with even the thought of remaining a teacher. So, I decided then that I will go to grad school and study criminal justice.

Until the next day. I had my annual performance review and I did well. Really well. You would think I would be happy. Yay! I am great at my job and they appreciate my hard work. Instead it left me confused...very confused. Maybe I should stick with this career. Maybe I am good at this kind of work. But even though I am good at it, I just don't know if I want to do it anymore. It just doesn't make me happy all the time

I sent in my grad school application today. I didn't want to close the door on it. This way I'll have options in a few months and I can decided then.

I just read this whole article about the quarter life crisis. I think I am definitely in one. I just wish I knew how to cure it.

Dream Squasher

Today, I talked to my boss about wanting to go back to school. She was less than supportive. She told me that if it causes my hours to be less than 40 hours a week then she will have to let me go. When I asked her if I could transfer to a center closer to the college, she said she would see if we could work something out but she doubts it. Thanks a lot.

I understand that she has a school to run. I totally understand that. But there are other employees there that go to graduate school and not one of them is working over 32 hours a week. The schedule was made to accommodate their hours and commute time and it still didn't add up to a 40 hour work week. So, if it's okay for the others how come it's not okay for me. It doesn't seem fair.

Funny thing is, it didn't upset me or anger me. It's like it bounced off of me. I was not going to let her bring me down. I will not let her (or anyone) squash my dream. I will apply to graduate school and take what life gives me. If I need to find a new job, or go around my boss to transfer to another school, then that is what I will do. I will be just fine and one day I will graduate with a master's degree no matter who supports (or doesn't support) me.

Wanted: Passion

I really wish I had more support. Lately I have been feeling like I have had little or no support from the people who love me and should be supportive of me.

I have wanted to go back to school for something I have always wanted to study-Criminal Justice. I briefly mentioned this on Easter and my brother said I was "crazy" and have been "watching too much tv." Thanks. I talked about it at a wedding to a table filled with people from my boyfriend's work. Some of them were very supportive telling me not to give up on my dream. But most of them said "find a passion outside of work" or "try working at another school and see if that helps". No that doesn't help. I have worked at many, many schools and I always wind up feeling like this...depressed, unappreciated, no passion.

I talked to my boyfriend about it and sometimes he is all for me going back to school, he has been very encouraging and if it weren't for him, I would've never even had the courage to apply. There are other times that I feel he is annoyed or thinks I am giving up on my career too early. He hasn't been with me for as long as I have been a teacher. I have been doing this for over 10 years, and I didn't hate all of it for the whole time, but I certainly have not enjoyed it for that entire decade either. He has only seen the past 5 months and thinks that I just hate my current place of employment (which I do).

Something is definitely different now. I have been out sick more since starting my current job then I have been in my whole life. I will make up any excuse to get out of there or to be sick. I just hate it there that much. I started at this new school a little over a year ago to get into a better working environment. This company is known to be one of the top 100 places to work for in the nation. I just don't feel that way. Working there has caused me to lose my passion even more for this profession.

I have been wanting to talk to my boss about going back to school for over a month now. I just have been afraid that she won't be supportive about it and therefore I won't have a job anymore due to my lack of passion.

I just feel like I need a better support system. Its a big decision to go back to school. It is just difficult to have no support.

So True

My relationship summed up in a few words by my boyfriend. I think that most girlfriends would be offended by this statement, but it's so true and if you knew us you would understand. Instead, it made me smile.

"You're mental. I'm an alcoholic. We make do."

And The Oscar Goes To....

My boss can be an intimidating person. I guess it would be more of a passive intimidation, if there is such a thing. She comes off as being sweet but if she has ever had to talk to you about something, it comes off as an attack. There is no talking but rather she will blame you for everything that went wrong and will turn it around on you even if it is her fault. I try to avoid having any serious, major, sit down conversations with her for this reason.

The last time we "talked" she mentioned my lack of passion at my job. I didn't deny this...in fact she hit the nail right on the head. I admitted to it and was hoping that she would be supportive and maybe give a little bit of advice. Instead she reprimanded me and wrote me up for not having passion for this profession anymore. She even went as far to say that if my passion for teaching didn't return that she would have to let me go. So, needless to say that I am scared to talk to her about anything relating to this subject for fear that it may cause me to get fired.

Since that last conversation about a month ago, I have faked my way through work, pretending to be happy to be there when inside I am loathing the existence of the school and wanting to quit. I should be awarded an Oscar since I got a note from my boss today thanking me for rekindling my love for teaching.

It's funny to me that the thank you note from her came the day before I was going to talk to her about returning to school for a career change. I want to apply for a criminal justice program and I need an letter of reference from her to send my application in. I was terrified to ask her for it before since she may just attack me for it, but now I am even more afraid to go since she feels that I now love my job.

I know that I still need to talk to her about it. And I hope that she would be supportive. I know that if this is what I want to do then no one should stop me. Keep the dream alive!

I'll let you know if I get fired for hating my job.

Effort

So, I guess everything between my boyfriend and I are good. We have been talking via the internet all day and the conversation is just normal...talking about work, school and joking around. And it makes me feel a little bit better but I am still on edge. I am still worried that at any moment it is going to blow up and he is going to break up with me. I am sure that he won't because we were both just laughing about the situation, so I am sure that we are just fine.

I have had time to think about the situation today, and I think that it is going to take an effort on both our parts to make sure that we are both happy in social situations. See, we both have social anxiety, but get nervous for different and opposite reasons. So, it can be difficult to see the other person's views. But now that we are both aware of it, I think that it will just take a better effort for both of us. I would like it if sometimes he includes me in his wanderings and smoking breaks and there are some times during his breaks that I can stand behind and attempt to mingle with to get to know more people. It's hard, but it will be worth the effort.

Wedding Day Blues

I almost broke up with my boyfriend last night.

We were at a wedding. Many of his friends were there and of the over 200 people that were at this wedding, I knew 3 and that includes my boyfriend. We were seated at a table of three couples that I didn't know. I had to sit next to his boss, who I have met before but do not feel comfortable around. His boss gave me the third degree and made me feel depressed and bad about myself and tried to convince me the entire time to break up with my boyfriend. It was super annoying.

Then, my boyfriend left me at the table to sit by myself for 95 % of the wedding so he can go outside to smoke or to hang out with his work friends. It would have been nice if he invited me to join him, but this was not the case. So I sat at a table for three hours by myself and I was bored. He wanted to know why I was mopey at one point and I told him exactly why and he of course puts the blame entirely on me. That's just not fair. So he would leave me for a half hour at a time to smoke then spend 5 minutes with me then leave me there alone again, where I know no one. There was a point when he was outside for his 25 minute smoke break where I contemplated leaving him there and walking back to our hotel room. But no, I stayed. We got back to the hotel room after the party and I just cried. Just hysterical crying. He went downstairs to smoke.

Before bed we argued. I really thought that I would not have a boyfriend after these arguments. He said some pretty mean and hurtful things and told me that things have been bothering him for a while but never mentioned any of it. He said that he didn't want to break up. Eventually things settled and we just talked normal and went to bed. I woke up in the morning and felt crappy for how I acted and still was certain that this relationship was going to end but he acted like nothing had happened, like he pretended that nothing was wrong. When I left this morning, everything was back to normal. We joked, we smiled, we hugged, we kissed. We made plans for the weekend.

You see, this is a recurring issue. Everywhere we go I am left to sit alone at a bar by myself where I am no comfortable to begin with. That's not fair to do to a girl who has social anxiety.

Now, it's like nothing happened, but I am still a little upset and insecure about the whole thing. I know that I am not totally innocent in this situation. I know that I reacted poorly in front of some of his friends. I just can't get over some of the things he said and now I am contemplating breaking up. I am just not sure if he is the right one for me. Sometimes he makes me happy, but other times he makes me feel upset. I don't know if the happy times are enough. I need things to change, I doubt that they will so what's the point.

Lately I feel like I have been pushing him away because I haven't been fully happy. Maybe I deserve better.

My 30th Birthday

There was only one thing that I told my boyfriend that I wanted to do on my 30th birthday weekend....go bowling. I have been wanting to go bowling for months and after many times being promised this activity I thought that I would be able to actually be given it on my birthday.

My boyfriend did say during the week that he would take me bowling on Saturday before taking me out for some drinks. When the Saturday came, he told me that he didn't feel like bowling and just wanted to go to the bar. This was very disappointing to me. I was upset and a bit sad. I only wanted to do ONE thing on my birthday and now I wasn't even going to get to do it. We went to a bar but I was in such a poopy mood that I didn't even enjoy myself. And the only way my boyfriend could cheer me up was to take me to my favorite place to play pool...and even then I wasn't fully happy.

In the midst of traveling between bars and home, my brother texted me to find out how I did bowling. He knew how excited I was to go bowling and couldn't wait to hear all about it. When he found out that we didn't go bowling simply because my boyfriend didn't feel like it anymore, my brother became angry and told me that I deserve a better boyfriend than the one I have.

My brother took me (and my boyfriend) out bowling the next day but it was a little awkward for the two of them. I, however, had a blast. I love bowling...and I got to do what I wanted on my birthday after all, even if it wasn't my boyfriend who planned it for me.

Passion Lost

I think that I am ready for a career change. I am just not happy doing what I am doing.

It's sad really. I am good at my job. Some have told me that I am great at my job. The parents, children and my co-workers often compliment me on my good work , creative projects I have done and the lessons I do with the children. The kids like "Miss Alison" because she makes learning fun. When I go out and tell others what I do, they light up with how "rewarding" of a job it is and say how much I must love it. Problem is, I am starting to hate it. I am losing my passion to teach young children. And once one has lost their passion for any profession, it makes the work difficult.

I have thought about how I would like to start a new career. I have always wanted to do forensic science. I get very excited thinking about how great it would be to work in a lab and help solve crimes. At the same time, it frightens me to even think about all the change that needs to occur for this career change to happen. Going back to school later in life for a career that I may not like scares me, not to mention the costs of higher education and time away from work to pursue it. Also, I have been researching and not many schools around here offer forensic science as a major. Many offer criminal justice, but I am not sure if that is the right path. I am in need of a career counselor or college advisor to figure that out.

I'm not sure what I want to do. I could remain at my current position and be unhappy. I could just accept that I am a preschool teacher and hope that my passion rekindles. Or, I could go back to school to try something new and hope that I like it. Maybe just trying it out would make me feel better so that I don't regret it later in life.

I don't like change. Change scares me. I wish it could just go smoothly. I wish the answers could come easy.

Quotations

"I love you more than I love them," he said as we stood in an embrace in his dark living room. Those words made all the troubles that we go through melt away. Hearing that made me realize that everything, with love, will work out just fine. Just have faith.

"When we get married, I am going to smear the cake icing all over your face," he said as we were driving home last night. Excuse me.....what? Did you say "When" not "If". Oh hooray! He is actually thinking of the future and he wants me to be a part of it. It makes me happy and relieved that he will be a part of my life forever. It's comforting and exciting.

I realized last night that my boyfriend is thinking of this relationship as more than just a "dating" situation and more of a long term committed relationship. It makes me feel more secure and much happier to know that he feels the same as I do. I smile just thinking about it.

:)

Someday

After our little scare, all is clear and well. The test came back negative. I have to say that I am very relieved and a little disappointed. Relieved because we were not ready for this emotionally, financially or in any way what so ever. And disappointed because I guess I was kinda getting used to the idea of being a mommy. I know that it worked out for the best and I am happy about that and I am sure that the right time will come when I will become a mommy. That time is just not now.

I did learn a lot about my boyfriend through this experience. Last night, I told him that I was late for my period. He was so supportive. He said "All you have to do is take the test and I will handle the rest." He told me that if I was pregnant that he would want to raise the child together and even offered to marry me. I explained to him that I want him to marry me because he wants to and not because he has to. He was super supportive and calm throughout the whole thing, even when I was not. He made me feel better about the situation and that everything was going to be okay not matter what the results were today.

I took the test in the bathroom at work and since it was a negative, I texted him the results. He seemed relieved about the outcome and even said "Congrats" to me. About a half hour later, I realized that I wasn't that happy and even got teary eyed. I wrote him back and said "I thought I would be ecstatic but instead I am blah". He agreed and thought that it was because we realized how easily this can happen even with all the protection that we use and that the next time the outcome may be different. I think it was because after his support last night, I accepted the fact that I may be pregnant. I was getting used to the idea and even was starting to like it. As dumb as that is, when we are unmarried, without houses of our own and have little money.

Some day we will be parents, and when it is meant to happen it will. And I know that when that time comes, we will be more prepared and ready to handle whatever life hands to us.

Late

I am 5 days late for my period. I am scared out of my mind.

I have never been this late before. I haven't taken a test...yet. I feel like I should at least brace my boyfriend of this before dropping the bomb on him. And it could be entirely possible that the test if false.

I haven't taken a test yet because I am scared to. I am not sure if I am ready to know the results. I know that I am not young and it is perfectly acceptable now-a-days to have children out of wedlock. I am just not ready for it. I was hoping to at least be in this relationship for longer before children were introduced.

I know that my boyfriend will be supportive. We have actually had this conversation before about the what-ifs.

I am worried. I am scared. But I am sure that it will all work out as God plans it to....I hope.

Unwanted Attention

Last night, my boyfriend and I went to our favorite local watering hole to watch our friend, who I call "Glitter Bug", sing karaoke. We had an absolutely amazingly fun time.

There was one point during the evening that I was sitting at the bar alone. My boyfriend and Glitter Bug went outside for some fresh air. I am comfortable at this bar so it didn't bother me to be sitting there alone. I am enjoying my drink and people watching when the bartender taps me on the shoulder and points down to the other end of the bar to a guy who then waves me to come over. I wasn't sure why he was waving me over, I thought that I knew him from somewhere or something. I sit down next to him and he offers to buy me a drink. I ask him "On what conditions?" He said that he was hoping that if he bought me a drink that I would kiss or make out with him. I laughed and said "That is not going to happen." He asked me who I was there with and I told him straight out "My boyfriend and my friend." He gets all mad and says "You were going to let me buy you a drink when you have a boyfriend!" Actually I never accepted his drink offer. I questioned it from the very beginning. Then, he gives me his phone number (which I didn't ask for) and says that when, not if, I break up with my boyfriend to give him a call. This guy was getting a little close and touched my leg when I boyfriend walked in from outside. My boyfriend came over and started talking to us and then gave me an excuse to leave that situation.

Throughout the night the guy who hit on me kept staring at me, waving to me and winking. It made me really uncomfortable. On our way out of the bar, the guy and his friend followed us out and touched me on the back. I hated it! I was very uncomfortable but didn't know what to do.

I know that it was my fault for sitting down next to the guy but I knew that I had back up if he tried anything really tricky. I am a pretty smart chick so I knew not to accept his drink unless I saw it being made by the bartender and I knew not to give him my phone number. I also knew that this guy was going to get his ass kicked it he tried anything...Glitter Bug is a 250 lb. guy, and he will kick ass if he needs to. My boyfriend is also not a small guy. I also knew two of the bartenders who would bounce this guy out of there if needed. So I knew I would be protected, and thankfully I didn't need to be. But I still wish that I slapped the guy when he touched me or screamed at him or did something to defend myself and my body more.

Am I being too overprotective of myself? Also, I don't want my boyfriend to think that I sought out this guy or think that I wanted his phone number. What should I have done in this situation?

(And why is it that guys always hit on you once you are taken but never when you are available?)

Uninvited

Today is the birthday of my boyfriend's sister and they are having a family party at her house.

I wasn't invited. And it hurts my feelings. I am not sure if it should hurt my feelings but it does.

My boyfriend, in the short amount of time we have been dating, has been invited to three family birthday parties. He attended one of them even though he said that he was going to come to all of them. But its the invite that counts. He has been invited to three and I haven't been invited to one.

It hurts my feelings. He has been included as a part of my family already and I have not been accepted as part of his. And a part of me wishes that he would fight for me more on this issue with his family but maybe he isn't ready for me to be included in family events yet. It still hurts. I was hoping all day for a call or text telling me the details of meeting for this event but I got nothing. I am hurt. I don't know if I'd ever tell him that and I don't even know if it is right to feel this way, but I am still sad about it.

My Lovey

Sometimes we all need comfort. And my comfort item when I was a child was my stuffed dog, Mr. Wrinkles, that I hugged when I was sad and threw across the room when I was angry. Mr. Wrinkles knows more secrets and feelings of mine from my childhood than most people I know. He was my lovey, and he still resides on the top of my dresser...just in case.

But now I have another lovey--my boyfriend. When I have news, good or bad, he is the first one I tell. He always knows what to say, or not to say, to make me feel better. Sometimes just his touch--rubbing my back, holding my hand or fixing my hair--is enough to make me all feel better. Other times just him looking into my eyes and smiling sends happy thoughts and comfort through my body. He knows what to do to talk me out of bad moods and knows exactly what to say or do to make me laugh. And often times just knowing that I have him and he is mine puts things in a different perspective. I have been less stressed at work and don't let the little things bother me as much as they used to before he was in my life.

His love gets me through life's good times and bad. Our love for each other is my new lovey. It's comforting. :)

Okay

Things in my relationship are just fine. We have talked about Friday's foolish situation and are okay. I am not fully over it, as I am still very embarrassed and disappointed in myself and the way I acted. But he still loves me and that's all that matters to me.

We went out last night and I refused to drink. I had a few sips and he assured me that it would be okay if I wanted to drink. It's just not okay with me. I want to remain in control because I feel like the next time I lose myself and I lose that control that it will be the end of this relationship. So, I had a great time without the alcohol.

He cares for me and it showed last night. I am sure that with a little bit more time that things will get back to normal. For now I am still embarrassed and sad at myself. But with his love, I am sure I will be just fine sooner rather than later.

Foolish Behavior

I have had time to think about last night/this morning's situation and now I am just really really worried.

I really am afraid that he is going to break up with me.

I acted poorly and foolishly. I said things I didn't mean and I wasn't there when he needed support. I wouldn't be surprised if his parents are mad and banish me from their house. And if that happens this relationship is over. I really regret acting the way I did and I just want to take it all back.

I really wish I could take it all back

I haven't heard from him since I left this morning. I am worried that he is mad at me. We are supposed to go out for a friend's birthday but I wouldn't be surprised if he cancelled.

I am scared that I will lose him over my stupidity while being drunk. I plan on never drinking again.

I really wish he would call, or text, or IM just so that I know he is ok.

Why am I so dumb? I'm really really worried.

Seriously?

He says that his mother doesn't hate me, but she sure seems to hate me. He says that she is just going through a depression and taking it out on me. She makes my relationship more difficult, whether she intends to or not.

I can handle a mother-in-law not liking me. I have dealt with it before and am getting quite used to it. What I can't accept is my boyfriend taking her side all the time. I really wish he would stand up to her and defend me.

Last night, we went out. I drank heavily and acted poorly after we got home. Lets just say I was an angry drunk last night. I woke up this morning at 8:30 a.m. to use the bathroom. I climbed back into bed and got comfy when my boyfriend says to me "You should go now. Check out is at 9." I thought he was joking so I laughed and he said "Seriously".

So I left. I was pretty hungover and feeling really dizzy but he made me leave anyway. He said that those are his parents' wishes, for me to leave so early. Its like his mother doesn't even want to see me.

I am pretty hurt by it. I feel really unwelcome in his house. I have been disliked by mother-in-laws before but nothing like this. This is hatred. I think that she wants to make our relationship so difficult that we eventually break up. Question is, can our relationship survive it?

Case of the Mondays

Lately, I have been a little down when it comes to work. I don't exactly love my job. I enjoy working with children but hate everything else about it...the hours, the stress, the people, the lack of challenge. I would love nothing more than to find another job and succeed at it. With the economy being as it is, this is not really the right time to go searching for a new career but I feel I have to or I will lose my sanity.

I have been off on medical leave for the last three weeks. I have loved it. I caught up on television and relaxed and slept and it has been oh so wonderful. Monday I have to return to work and I can already tell that my mood is more somber and blah, all due to the anticipation of returning to that dreadful place. My co-workers have been calling telling me how awful it has been there in the past three weeks and that is making it harder to look forward to going back to work.

On top of that, my benefits department due to some glitch or oversight has terminated my health insurance benefits. I didn't know this until I had several hospital and doctor's visits come back unpaid. Now I have thousands of dollars in bills.

So yeah, not happy with work right now on so many levels. And in a few days I have to return there.

Let me tell you why I hate this job so much. There are several reasons but I will give you a few that have been wearing on my mind lately.

I need more of a challenge. I am bored with just teaching preschool. When I have talked to my boss about this she told me that I don't have enough experience to apply for a promotion. I don't know when 12 years of teaching preschool and having leadership experience became not enough to go for more. I feel like she is holding me back and it makes me resent her.

I get paid very little and even before these recent medical problems I have had trouble paying the bills. I feel like being a preschool teacher is the most underpaid and under appreciated job around. And when I am there I do all the work and get no credit for it. The teacher I work with does nothing and gets the recognition. I have now developed a 'why bother' attitude.

I also feel the desire to do more. But after applying to public schools for many years and being rejected I am beginning to feel like this day care position of teaching preschool is all that I am able to do. I am good at my job and have won awards for my teaching but if I am not happy doing it then whats the point.

I don't know where to go from here. A part of me wants a total career change. I just don't know in what direction I want to go and with no experience in whatever field that is, its difficult to get a position in it. A part of me just wants to have a higher position in the same type of school. But being held back at my current school is not helping.

I really would like to get out of this depression over work so that I can be happier. I just want to be successful and happy and actually enjoy going to work.

Maybe it's too much to ask. Maybe everyone hates their job. Maybe I should just suck it up and deal with it. But I know that I am capable of more and if I have that desire then I should go for it, right?

Bondage

My boyfriend's parents don't like me. Well, actually just his mom. His dad seems to love me.

I don't want to say that his mom hates me, I'm not even sure if she fully dislikes me, but she sure as hell doesn't fully like me either. She is cautious and skeptical and I think she thinks that I am taking her baby boy away from her.

This is not an unusual situation for me. In my past two serious relationships, the dad loves me while the mom is not sure of me. I don't know why this happens but it does, it always does. I have gotten quite used to it.

But this time around, its different. I want his mom to like me because I have faith that this relationship is going to last for a long time, possibly even forever. And i want his mom on my side. I want to have a good relationship with her. I actually really like her. I enjoy talking to her and would like to regain her confidence in me.

See, for the first month of our relationship, she was very friendly towards me. We would have great conversations and she would share stories with me. Then I don't know what happened, but she became a bit unfriendly. She talked to me less and less and the conversations were always cut short. I don't know what I did, but she was just done getting to know me. And it hurt. It still hurts.

I guess it hurts because I want to be a part of his family. I am ready for that, and they aren't. I am hoping that with time this all heals itself. That we will get to know each other and form a bond. I'm just going to give it time and hope for the best.

Giving Me What I Need

I guess I have had a lot of stress lately. I guess I have held it all in....cause yesterday afternoon I kinda lost it. I started crying and feeling like the most horrible person in the world.

At first my boyfriend didn't know what to do. He hugged me and held me and talked to me. Some of what he said helped and some made it worse, but I know that he was trying.

He took me outside for some fresh air which helped out a lot. He said that I need a relaxing day and that is what he gave me.

We sat in his living room for several hours. We talked about what was bothering me and thought up some solutions to those problems. Then we just sat and looked at the snow. We talked about anything and everything. We played games. Then we watched television with his parents. It actually was nice....and exactly what I needed.

He calmed me down and gave me encouragement. He helped me greatly and I am thankful for it.

Fuel to the Fire

I think that sometimes it is hard for me to understand that I am not the only one in my boyfriend's life. It is hard for me because most of my friends live long distance, so I rarely get the chance to see them or make plans with them. And if my friends need advice or to talk, it is via phone calls, instant messenger or emails.

Tonight my boyfriend and I had plans to go out (which I was very excited for). So, when he tells me that he would like to go visit his friend Sue instead, because she just broke off an engagement and needs someone to talk to, I was at first very upset and very disappointed. One would even say I was mad. I remember saying out of anger that I was tired of losing out to other people. I wish I didn't say that, but I was frustrated at the time and I guess it really was how I felt. I was being selfish. It is hard for me to understand that his friends can get that immediate help if they need to call on him. With me, if I am going through something I have to call or leave an email or pray they are on AOL at the time. In other words, I have to wait for a response and sometimes that waiting is hours or days. I rarely have the opportunity to give or receive immediate advice. And in a way, I am jealous that his friends get that. I am also happy that he cares enough that he wants to help his friends.

I drove around for a while just to clear my head and realized that I may have over reacted and added more stress to the situation for him. And I feel bad about that. I feel like I could have helped him more and instead I just made it worse.

See, there is a lot more to this situation that I didn't realize when it first happened but have since learned about. I think he left out the fact that he was fighting with his parents because he didn't want to worry me. He has said in the past that he tries to not tell me about the rough times. He lets his friends help him through that, so that he and I can have the happy times together. Still, sometimes I wish he would go to me for help. Lord knows I go to him for it.

I do worry about this fight with his parents. I know that his mom isn't too fond of me, so I would hope that whatever this fight is about, its not me. I also hope that his mom's dislike of me doesn't cause him to change his thoughts about our relationship. A mother-in-law doesn't have to like her daughter-in-law, right? Like this relationship could still be successful without the blessing of mommy dearest.....gosh I hope.

Our relationship is still relatively new and I know that I am not fully used to him or his friends/family yet. I know with time this will take care of itself. I just want to help him now and I don't know how to yet.

Like I said, I drove around for over an hour. I just got on the highway and went. I got caught up in my thoughts. The first half of my drive, I was still frustrated and shaky and worried and upset. But then I realized how silly I was being. My boyfriend needs support right now and I am worried about our plans for tonight!? Once I had this epiphany, I turned around and drove home with a new attitude.

I realized what my boyfriend needs right now is to have his girlfriend be there when he needs her to be and to not add fuel to the fire when he is already stressing over so many other things.

I want to be that good girlfriend. The girl of his dreams? I'm not sure I can live up to that, but I can sure try.

(Sorry if I rambled in this blog. I had so many thoughts all at once and couldn't get them all down quick enough. Hope it makes sense)

A Permanent Situation

So, my boyfriend, though he has not said those three little words to me while being sober, is serious about little ol' me.

He says "I love you" SEVERAL times while he is drunk. And I know that he does love me even though he can't say it. But now I realize that he is pretty serious about this relationship and is hoping that it lasts for a long time.

I know this because he has said it. He told me that he has every faith that this will work out. And has said that this relationship will turn into a permanent situation. Today, I got my test results from being sick and everything came back normal. In other words, I am going to be fine. When I told him that everything will turn out just fine, he got super excited! He said and I quote "yeah, lots of sex and kids in my future!" and went on to say that he is happy to hear my news for my sake and not his. When I questioned this he said that he would accept me no matter what, even if that means I am sick or have a disease. He said "if your health is bad, it would still be good for me, I would be accepting of you". Then went on to mention marriage before changing the subject.

So he loves me. He just can't say the word sober....honestly neither can I. I seem to only be able to say them in writing in a Valentine's Day card. So maybe we aren't meant for each other.

Life is too short to not say you love someone when you do. I just can't do it. But I am definitely falling more and more in love with him everyday.

Support System

So, I have been sick lately. The doctor says I have an inflammation of my uterus. He said that this could just be an infection, but it could also be a sign of uterine or cervical cancer and could be quite serious. He took some tests and I am trying to be patient while awaiting the results. But as the days pass by, I am getting more and more worried. This worry has been weighing on my mind and by Sunday I broke down and told my boyfriend of a month and a half that I may have cancer. I may have endometriosis and I may need a hysterectomy. I may also have nothing but an infection, but I felt I should tell him. Not only cause the worry was killing me, but also because if this relationship continues into something more permanent then this news would directly affect him.

I wasn't sure what his reaction would be. I was really nervous to tell him and managed to give him this news without crying. He was totally supportive. He said he would be there for me no matter what happens. He also said that he would not blame me if in the end we could not have children. He said that when the test results come in, we will take it as it comes and figure it out together.

I felt good after the conversation, 1) because it felt good to tell someone and 2) he was supportive and gave me the hugs and words that I needed. I hope that he means what he says and will be there for me no matter what cause I will need that kind of support.

He says he has every faith that this relationship will work out. I just hope that I am in good health and can enjoy it.

A Wonderful Day

Valentine's Day turned out to be wonderful.

It was iffy there for a while. He wasn't feeling good and got some bad news in the morning. But after talking for a while he said that I could come over for a little bit. Well I went over and we went out to some bars and had a blast!! One of the best times i have had with him. WAY too much fun! I slept over and spent most of the day with him today as well.

He didn't buy me anything. He said that one day he will buy me flowers and candy and cards for no reason at all just to show that he cares. He didn't buy me a gift for Valentine's day because he doesn't want to do it because he feels obligated or because it is expected. That was a good excuse. It would have been nice, but at the same time, just spending time with him is gift enough.

It was wonderful. And I am very, very, very happy! :)

Valentine's Day Eve

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. My first Valentine's Day in a long while that I have a valentine to share the day with. I just got done making my gift for him, 2 dozen brownie cupcakes with butter cream frosting all made from scratch. It was the first time I have wanted to give a gift to someone on this holiday. Even when I had a boyfriend, we never celebrated on this day and we never exchanged gifts. This year, I wanted to do something special.

I am not sure what our plans are for the holiday. We had a conversation a few days ago about how he hates this day and usually doesn't celebrate it at all. I don't know if that was because he was single before so he shut the day out, or if he really hates this holiday and that even with a girlfriend he refuses to acknowledge the day. Or if he said all that to make me think that we aren't doing anything and then he will surprise me even more.

No idea. I am hopeful that we will spend the day in a special way. I hope that he plans something for me...but maybe I shouldn't ask for it. I should just be happy. I do have him after all. But it would be nice to have a little romance on a day that calls for it.

Yes I do

I have not been feeling well, so when my boyfriend asked me to hang out with him last night I was a little hesitant. But I also knew that I wanted to see him because he would be the comfort that I needed. So I went.

He helped me to unwind after a stressful week of doctors and hospitals and not knowing what was wrong. He made me laugh and smile and for a little while, made me forget that I was in pain.

I slept over and this morning when he was telling me stories and getting me water and just being happy, I smiled and realized....Yes I do love him. I want him in my life forever and ever.

The Good Guy

I have a real keeper of a boyfriend....a really good guy.

Yesterday, I was in considerable pain and was really sick. I couldn't walk and could barely talk. I was in severe pain and was scared.

I wasn't sure how he would handle it or if he even would want to handle it after only dating for a month and a half. But he stood by me like a trooper. He dressed me, drove me to the hospital, and stayed with me during the six hours we were there. He walked me to the bathroom and kept me company with good talks and hand holding.

In the hospital, while I was lying in bed in pain, he said that he was glad that he could be there for me while I was sick and that if he didn't have feelings for me he wouldn't have stayed.

He held my hand and made me laugh and stroked my hair and made me not scared anymore.

Yup, he's a keeper. I am very lucky to have him.

Loved

So, after all the stress and confusion, everything is just fine. We went out on Saturday and had the best time I have had with him. It was the first time that I felt fully like myself and wasn't at all nervous. It was wonderful.

And the best part of it all, he told me he loved me. He has never said that. We were slow dancing and he had me look him in the eyes and he said "I love you." He told me that he was scared before and that was why he was acting like that and that he realized the night before around 10:45 that he loved me. I don't know what changed for him at 10:45 but I am so glad that it did.

I didn't say "I love you" back. When I say it, I want to really mean it. Even though I do love him and I know that I do, but I didn't want to say it just because he said it. So I hope that he wasn't hurt by that. But I do plan on saying it to him very soon, even though he knows I love him.

And now I know that he loves me. :)

More Confusion

Yup, I'm at home. Which means I am not out with my boyfriend. He didn't want to go out tonight and I think that he was afraid to tell me that, but he said that he just wants to zone out and not think about anything. So I left him alone. Honestly, it was probably for the best. I am so tired after only getting 3 hours of sleep last night. I'm not fully feeling well and am in a terribly bad mood.

I am still very confused by last night. Today we texted during work like we always do and it was like nothing happened at all. Then he cancels for tonight, but makes plans for tomorrow (we'll see if he cancels those too).

I don't get it. I just don't. And I don't know how to act around him anymore. I really feel like I may have screwed this up even though I can't find anything that I have done wrong. Its REALLY bothering me. And now I am afraid to do anything....its like walking on eggshells around him. I can't be myself, cause apparently my normal traits annoy him. Maybe it is destined to fail.

But the thing is, til last night, things were going great. Wonderfully great. I was happy. He was happy. We were happy. We would go on date nights and have a good time or we could stay in and still have a good laugh.

I just can't figure out where I took a wrong turn. Maybe it will all blow over and things will be fine....I can only hope!

Confusion

Maybe this relationship is not going to work out.

Maybe I am just meant to be alone and single for the rest of my life.

I could be over reacting here but I swear that my boyfriend tried to break up with me over a text message last night. That's just as bad as breaking up with someone on a post it note (as happened to Carrie in Sex and the City).

A text message seriously. Come on. Grow some balls at least if you are going to do it.

The whole thing leaves me confused. Earlier in the evening we were chatting on instant messenger and everything was happy and fine. We talked about things but it didn't end badly. He even said that he thought of our relationship as a marriage and that no matter what happens we will talk it out. It ended with us making plans for tonight. So I went to bed happy.

Then at 1:30 in the morning the phone beeps and it is a text from him talking about how he didn't have a good day and has been thinking a lot. It was weird. Three hours later he says and I quote "And I won't lie and I feel like shit saying it out loud knowing how much more that will fuel your worry, but it has crossed my mind that it would just be easier to break up. As much as I love the idea of you in my life...." It goes on but I thought for sure he was breaking up with me. Who wouldn't after reading that it would be easier to do so...and lets face it, guys usually take the easy road out.

So I was upset. Very upset. I don't want to lose him. And it scared me

He later on said that he doesn't want to lose me either but that it might be inevitable that we break up anyway. How do I deal with this? I don't want to lose him, but at the same time I can't be walking on eggshells constantly worried that he might break up with me.

At the end of the conversation, he said that he may not want to go out with my tonight. I have given him his space all week, haven't seen him since Sunday. And no matter how much space I give him, it doesn't seem to be enough cause now he wants to be alone tonight too. Maybe he just doesn't want me in his life as much as I want him.

I don't know, but I am left very confused. And not sure if I can handle it. I know that I cannot handle another break up....I barely handled the last one.

Long Term Relationship

Everything is going to be just fine.

After all those discussions and thinking he was almost going to break up with me, things turned out wonderful this weekend. We went out and had a good time. We also had a chance to talk about things and I now more understand where he is coming from and what his mentality is. I also realized from these talks that he hopes to have me in his life for a LONG time. This is all good and makes me really happy because that is what I want too.

We wound up having a wonderful time and spending a lot of time together. We always have a good time together but I feel like the time this weekend was a better quality time. I don't know if it's because I learned more about him or if I valued it more. I also felt less stressed and insecure this time. I just let some of the worries go and I think that is exactly what I needed.

So, this is going to work out and work out great. I am still happy and still love to be with him. And I realize now that he wants me around and is happy with me too.

He's in it for the long-term...and so am I!

Opposites Attract?

I'm not sure what is going on but I am angry, upset and confused right now.

Again, plans with the boy got cancelled. I am pissed that I just took a long shower and over a half hour to straighten my hair only to find out that we weren't going anywhere. I was really looking forward to tonight especially after not seeing him last night. Now, nothing again and I can't figure it out.

We just had this long conversation via facebook chat. I really thought he was leading up to breaking up with me. But what he was saying was that he wants me in his life just not as often and then went on to say that we have some personality traits that clash and we need to work on them.

He said he feels trapped and overwhelmed. I find this confusing cause I don't see him that often. I saw him twice this week, once was his idea, once was mine. I am afraid that if he feels trapped now with only seeing him twice a week that we will now see each other never and the relationship will be over.

See, I am a planner. I like to know what my day is looking like so I can prepare for it accordingly. He is the opposite, he never plans. He rarely knows what he is doing until 2 hours before it happens. I just don't operate like that. Also, we will make plans that I get all excited for and then he will cancel them or change them at the last minute for work/sick/play and then I get disappointed and he wonders why. Tonight he has flip-flopped a million times about what our plans were and it is super annoying to me. I just want to know what we are doing tonight so that I can get ready and do it.

Also, our ideas of what is fun are different. He likes to go to a bar and drink, I would much rather go bowling or to a movie. So we are both sacrificing to do what the other enjoys and I am hoping that in the end we will both equally like doing what the other likes. He likes being in a large group and I like doing things one-on-one.

We're different. I guess our personalities clash a bit. But there is something in mine that he is attracted to and something in his that attracts me to him. Maybe the fact that we have enough in common yet enough different is what makes it work. I hope so, cause I really like this one. In fact, I think I love him. I haven't told him that yet but I definitely know that I am falling in love with him. I really want to make it work. And I feel that if both people want it to work out then usually it will. I just worry that these differences will cost us eventually.

I want nothing more than to see him right now, but if I have to take a step back to keep him then that is what I'll do. I just know in myself that I can only deal with that for so long. And I am worried about that.

So You Had a Bad Week

I guess cause I have been single for a while, I forgot how hard being in a relationship can be. Especially when it is a new relationship, and you are trying to learn about one another but also trying to do all the right things so that you don't screw it up.

I am an emotional person. I always have been. I am usually really good at hiding those emotions and keeping it behind my closed bedroom door. I typically do not like to cry in front of people and if I am mad I usually will keep it in so that the other person doesn't think poorly of me.

This week has been an emotional roller coaster for me and I just could not hide it from my boyfriend, even though I really wanted to.

Tuesday I cried hysterical in front of him. It was a rough night and I got into a fight with a friend who gets angry when she is drunk. We are no longer friends and that is exactly how I want it after the way she acted. The thing is she is really good friends with my boyfriend and I don't want to put him in the middle of it all. I guess cause the night was so stressful I couldn't hold it in anymore and in the middle of the night I was hysterical crying in his arms. The next day, I realized that he saw me probably at my worst and was terrified of what he thought of me.

Wednesday night he said he wasn't feeling good and cancelled our dinner plans and I was disappointed and still wondering if he thought I was a horrible person from the night before.

Thursday night was wonderful. We had a very nice evening and the next day I was extremely happy.

Friday nights are always our going out nights. So I was looking forward to going out after work and relaxing with my boyfriend with a few drinks to go along with it. Then he cancelled our plans again saying he was sick. He always goes out on a Friday night. So it left me very confused. It also made me question his feelings and why he is pushing me away at times. We had a talk about it and things are okay now. But I still wonder about it. Did he lie to me and go out without me?

See, I am used to liars. All my boyfriends were liars so I have trouble trusting people. I don't think that he would lie to me about that but who knows.

I know that I am thinking way too much into this and I am sure that we will see each other tonight and everything will be just fine. But this whole week reminds me that I am not good at relationships and I have to work very hard at this one. Cause this one is a keeper and I refuse to lose him.

Third Time Lucky

So, I have been in my new relationship for a half a month now. It is going wonderfully and I really enjoy spending time with him. We seem to be going in the right direction and I really like that. This is all new to me but so far I am enjoying it.

Nothing about him bothers me, but there are a few things about others that are annoying me.

I hate how others feel they need to take credit for our relationship when they had a VERY small part in getting us together. We met through a friend. He is a friend of one of my friends and we all went out for New Year's Eve. Well, my friend is now going around telling everyone that she "set us up" and if it weren't for her we wouldn't be together. True, if we both weren't friends with her we would have never met. But going around telling everyone that it is all because of you is a bit conceited.

I'm annoyed that when I go out with that same friend, all she does is gush all over us about how cute of a couple we are and actually says "awwwww." I am glad that she is happy for us but it gets very irritating to hear the gushing within a normal conversation. I also feel like she may be overcompensating since I know that she complains a bit to others about us. See, she and I used to be the single girls in the group. We would go out together and all the guys would flirt with her and not so much me. So for New Year's, I had one out of the four guys we were hanging out with flirting with me and it worked out! I am happy but I think she is missing her friends and also is seriously jealous of it.

I am still getting used to the "in-laws" and I am starting to get the feeling that his mom doesn't like me. He insists that she does but I still get that feeling. I think she feels that I will take her baby away from her, even though her baby is 31 years old. I am sure that it will all work out but it still bothers me a lot. I want her to like me but I am not willing to change myself for it. I have never really had good luck with boyfriend's moms before so I am hoping this one will be different. I can still work on it but the important part is my boyfriend likes having me around and I guess that is all that really matters.

I have been very happy. This is the happiest I have been in a very long time. I am thinking that this relationship will last a long time. I am hopeful for that anyway. There is something different about this relationship than any of my last ones. A good different. Maybe the third time is the charm.