Happiness

I have done a lot of thinking in the past few days, weeks and months.

I have come to realize that for the most part I am happy. I love my new job and all that it has to offer. Others think that I am sad cause I don't have a man. I find it frustrating to have to explain to them that they don't need to pity me cause I am happy. And because I have to explain it SO much, it brings me down sometimes. I wish people would accept that I am happy just the way I am. And if I find a man who I love, then I will be happy but I will also remain happy without one.

Are looks everything?

So, I have been online dating for a few weeks now. I am about ready to quit.

I have been rejected by several guys and have rejected a few of them myself.

There is one situation that is really irking me. I was matched up with this guy, Tim. We emailed back and forth for a couple of weeks. We have a lot in common and talked about anything and everything. It was going really well and I looked forward to reading his messages.

A few days ago, he asked me to send him a picture of myself. I did. He hasn't written me since.
I am hurt. Here is someone who I thought really enjoyed talking with me. He even suggested going on a date in his last email. I was excited at this prospect. Now he won't even talk to me. What gives? Are looks everything? How can a girl maintain her self-confidence while constantly getting rejected and being told that her personality is great but her looks just aren't good enough?

I am a beautiful, intelligent, fabulous and confident woman. If you can't see the fabulousness that is me, that is your loss, not mine.

Happy and Sad

So, I must be the only one in the ENTIRE world who does not have a significant event going on in my life.

My friend is pregnant with her first child. She and her husband have been trying for two years and finally a little one is about to arrive.

My best friend just had a baby a few months ago. She found out last week that if she and her family move back to their home state of Michigan that her uncle will sell them a house for well below market value. A huge four bedroom, two and a half bath house in a nice subdivision all theirs for practically free.

My sister is engaged to a great guy that she met at work. She is planning her wedding and is getting married in the summer of next year.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy for all of them. They are all getting what they have been waiting for and all deserve happiness. But my happiness for them can only go so far. I am insanely jealous of them. Great things are all being handed to them, while I am getting crapped on every step of the way in my life. When will it be my turn to be happy? Will it ever happen for me?

I am surrounded by happiness and after a while that just makes you even more depressed. Looking at everyone so happy in their lives makes me sadder about mine. I could have had all that they are getting, except I ended the relationship that could have given me all of that and more. I wish I knew that at the time. Its too late to get it back now. I just wish I didn't have the constant reminders of how my life failed through my friends successes. I am happy for them, but I am sad for myself.

Torture

In a moment of weakness yesterday, I called my ex-boyfriend during my lunch break. I didn't know what I wanted to say to him but my heart was telling me to call him and I followed my heart. He didn't answer. I left a short message. He hasn't called back.

I don't know why I called him but I do want to talk to him. I miss him terribly and just want to hear his voice. I don't know what my motives are here. I know that there is no chance of getting back together with him. We are both in different places with much distance between us now. It would be unreasonable to even consider getting back with him and wouldn't be fair to either one of us to change our lives for the other.

So why am I still wanting to be with him? I am being unfair to myself. Living in a fantasy world? I am torturing myself and because of this I cannot get over him. Maybe I don't want to.

I often wonder if he was the one and I screwed it up somehow and lost the only chance at love I had. I let him go and now I have to live with the consequences. So I torture myself, so what? I deserve that for giving up the only love I may ever have.

Haunted

I play the part of being completely over my ex-boyfriend really well. But every so often, a thought of him pops into my head. Sometimes these thoughts make me smile because I have great memories with him. We had some fun, loving, romantic times together. Sometimes these thoughts make me sad. I often miss him and wonder what he is up to. Is he happy? Does he think of me? Does he miss me?

I was at work today when I little girl missed her mommy so much that she cried and sobbed for hours during our nap time. I sat next to her and tried to console her but nothing worked. So I just sat next to her in my own thoughts. I missed my old love like she misses her mommy. I started to cry.

I miss him....still after almost 7 months of being apart. I thought around the 4th month that I was over him. I even told friends that I was completely over him and didn't care where he was or what he was doing. But around the start of the new year, I began missing him again. I couldn't sleep because I was consumed with thoughts of him. I would lie there questioning if what I did was the right decision and if it was the right choice than why did it hurt so bad so long after the break up? These thoughts haunt me.

Sometimes I think that I am wasting my time in missing him. We live far apart now and I know that neither one of us is moving for the other one. I won't make that mistake twice. So is it wasteful to want him back when it will be detrimental to both of out lives to have it actually happen? Am I living in a fantasy?

Maybe I don't miss him. Maybe I miss being loved and having a person to hug me when I feel sad . Maybe I miss having the company around and having someone to come home to. When will this be cured and how long do I have to wait? I am waiting for a replacement for him but maybe he can't be replaced. Did I give up on the one person who made me feel happy and good about myself because of a few of his flaws? He always accepted me fully for who I am and he loved me anyway. I couldn't accept even a few of his flaws and wanted to change him. Can I ever fully love someone or will I always be wanting the person to change? Will anyone be good enough for me?

Good on paper, bad in bed?

I started online dating. I am still very sceptical about this whole thing but I thought I would give it a try, honestly just for the laughs. After an hour of answering my personality questions and creating my profile to best sell myself, I am in the online dating world. It's a scary, scary place.

I don't trust anyone on this thing. I would never be set up on a blind date for fear of being raped so I have no idea why on earth I would agree to date this way. This is why I have given up on dating cause it's a scary world out there and I am not trusting enough.

I have viewed several profiles on this site and honestly they all look great on paper. Everyone is trying to sell themselves so of course they would look like a great match. It is hard to tell through a computer screen whether one has chemistry with another. In fact, it is impossible. This is why online dating never works.

But also, I feel like it takes a lot out of it. Everyone has this perfect image of what their ideal mate looks like. But honestly, they never look like that in real life because that is just a fantasy. If everyone waited for that picture perfect person to come along, then no one would get married or all the "ugly" people would be single forever and that is not the case. In the online dating world, you are immediately judged by your posted photo. In the real world, you may meet someone that you aren't attracted to right away, but after getting to know them you fall in love with them regardless of their looks. When you "date" online, you may have weeded out someone that could be the love of your life just based on what photo they posted on their profile.

On the flip side, every profile I have read seems like a great guy. He looks great on paper. We all do. It's easy to make yourself look like a good catch with just a few typed words. So, you could potentially waste a lot of time communicating with this person through emails and instant messages only to find out that in person there is no chemistry at all. It is hard to get a good read on someone's real personality through text messages and emails.

If there are so many things working against people with this online dating, than why are millions of people flocking to it and paying lots of money to do it. Honestly, if I dropped any money on this online site I would want a guarantee that I would find my "one" within a year. That just can't be done. I suggest saving your money and finding your love the old fashioned way instead of being stuck in front of the computer screen all day. Get out and enjoy life...maybe you'll meet someone. Isn't it more fun that way?

My little Valentines

Today is Valentine's Day. I thought that it would bother me this year, but actually I feel pretty good about it. In the past on a Valentine's Day when I was single I was depressed and hurt. This time around I feel pretty satisfied. I am hopeful and even though I am unattached, I still feel loved.

I work with preschool children who were all excited to give out cards and goodies for the holiday. I walked into the class today and was greeted by fifteen smiling, happy and excited children. I remember those days as a kid when the little things were exciting. Putting Valentine's into little homemade mailboxes was a thrill for these three year olds. It put a smile on my face to see their joy. Pure joy over little construction paper heart cards. It warmed my heart. It made me realize what was important.

You see, I don't have one valentine, I have fifteen three year old valentines, who love me unconditionally. And that's all I need. :)

Focus on the Whole Me

I started my new job today. I was so excited when I got home so I could tell my family how well it went. I love my new position and all the people that I met at the company. So, I sit down at dinner all happy to talk about my day, when my dad asked "So, were there any single guys there?" Are you serious? I have fabulous opportunities to tell you about. I want to tell you how much I love my new job and all you care about is whether there is a guy there that I may possibly meet, fall in love with, marry and have children with! Of all the things that you could have asked about the position, the people, the place you decide that the focus should be on whether there is a love interest there. As if the job is worthless unless there is a potential boyfriend there. I was so frustrated. I feel like this was a good step in my career. It was my first day back to work after a two month illness. And it wasn't meaningful to my parents because I told them that I work with all women.

It seems that finding a mate is more important to others than it is to me. I didn't think about my single status ALL day while at work. I was happy. I met new friends. I was satisfied with my education and career choices (something I haven't been satisfied with for a long time). Not one person at work inquired about my marriage status. So, it didn't cross my mind that I was unmarried while at work. It didn't matter to anyone there and therefore felt like I fit in and was part of the group. Then to come home and be judged by my own family for my singledom just made me want to cry. Can a woman get anything accomplished career wise without having a man by her side or will her career always be looked over to focus on the fact that she is unaccomplished in her personal life? Why does society put the emphasis on relationship status for women and on career for men?

I wish that people would realize that it is not my job to seek out a new mate every second of the day. The fact is that even if there was an available man at work, I wouldn't even notice cause when I am at work I am focused on just that....work. I don't have time to flirt or chit chat with a new beau...I have fifteen children to care for and keep safe. I am good at educating the children and families in my class and I will not apologize for that just because I am single. I shouldn't have to cause that shouldn't be the focus of me. I am many-faceted with a great personality. Being single is a part of me but it is not the whole me.

Illusion

Today was my Mom's birthday so the whole family went out to a nice dinner. As I sat at the table, I noticed that now I am the "loser " of the family.

My sister (formerly the loser of the group) now is engaged to a wonderful, smart and funny guy. He treats her like gold and takes her on romantic getaways. He accepts her and her five children with open arms and has made that group a family. My sister has been through two husbands who treated her like dirt and I am happy that she has found someone who treats her so kindly and puts her in the highest light. My sister just got promoted to manager of her store. She gets paid really well and has been able to support a large family on her new increased income.

My brother is dating a great girl that he met through work. They seem to really love each other. They make each other happy and can't keep their hands off each other. She is perfect for him and loves his little quirks, not many people do. My brother has a great job that he enjoys. He is treated incredibly well at work and even received a large bonus for Christmas. He loves his job and will probably stay there until retirement.

I am the middle child. I work at a daycare and I am lucky to make above minimum wage even though I have a college degree. It is a stressful position with little or no benefits or appreciation. I am the single one. Not only am I single, I don't have many friends around here since I just moved back. So often, my nights are spent watching television and hanging out with my parents....I am 28 years old.

At dinner tonight, conversation circled around relationships (and my lack of one). The excitement of the engagement, getting to know the new girlfriend. It was depressing for me. I know that they didn't mean to make me feel bad. People are interested in relationships and we all want to know the details. But I wish it wasn't the sole purpose of conversation. And when they aren't talking relationships they are talking about work (also not my strong point). Even when I tried to steer the conversation elsewhere, it still led back to these two items.

I wonder if one can be happy without both. Either one is single but has a great job or is taken but has a less than perfect job. In both my sibling's cases they have both, making it even harder for me, who has neither. Can I still find happiness without the man or is the man necessary for the illusion of happiness? Maybe that's all it is, an illusion. And if that's the case I can make my own image of happiness. Only thing is...will people believe it?

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride

Well, here I am, sitting home alone on a Friday night. No date. No friends. Just me with my dog. On a Friday night. Every Friday night.

What has become of my life? I used to have friends that I would hang out with all weekend long. Now, all of those friends are married with children and don't have time to hang out with someone as pitiful and single as me. They do their couples thing...and have told me that they don't want me to feel left out so they don't invite me. When has being single mean that I am totally outcast from society like I am quarantined with some horrible disease?

All of my friends have been married for years. I have been to all their weddings, bridal showers and bachelorette parties and have been a good sport about it. Not once did I complain when I had to wear the ugly bridesmaids dresses. Nor did I complain when I had to plan the damn showers that I hate to attend. No, I was a good friend, who stood by the bride and supported her through the stress of planning a wedding. When they were starting their families, I was a sounding board for the names of their children and a babysitter so that they could still have couple time. Now, I need their friendship and because I am not married I get nothing. Since when does the support of a friend depend upon your marital status?

So, here is what I get for being the supportive friend....loneliness on a Friday night. Gee...thanks.

Die a Dateless Death

So, I have been single for almost 6 months now. I thought that it would get easier with time...but really it's the problems that change.

The first few months were all about getting back on my feet. Getting financially back on track and starting a new life. And of course, the first few months were about getting over him. There were many tears and depressing thoughts, something I still struggle with from time to time.

Now, its all about dating again. Everyone keeps telling me things like..."this is your year, you are going to meet someone" or "don't worry you'll find someone". Well first off, I meet people all the time. I am a friendly person who has a new job and meeting people comes with that. That doesn't mean that everyone I shake hands with is a potential date. And second, I am not worried. Is there something to worry about? Am I going to die because I haven't had a date in six months?

When I was a kid, my mom always told me that when I grow up I will get married, have children, live in a nice house and be happy, as if that is the only thing that would make one happy. Now, that I don't have any of that, Did I fail at life? And, what if I never want any of that, does that mean I won't be happy...ever? Just cause everyone else in the whole world is married with children, that doesn't mean that they are happy and that doesn't mean that I have to have those things. So why do people keep implying that?

Why can't others accept that it is okay to be unmarried so long as the one who is single accepts it? There is nothing wrong with that. (So stop nagging, already)