Going Single, Part 2

So my first wedding alone was not that bad. The ceremony was beautiful and touching. The bride and groom looked lovely and it really showed how much they love each other. It was really beautiful.

The reception was nice. Of course, I had to sit with my mom. At first it wasn't that bad. But by the end she was driving me nuts. She was attached to my hip and I couldn't even go to the bathroom alone....drove me crazy. She has no confidence in herself and wouldn't even go to get a soda by herself...she made my brother do it! It was really ridiculous.

Anyway, at first I was a little shy. I danced a little but not much. I found myself sitting at the table a lot. And there was a period of about forty-five minutes where I was really not having a good time. My mom was annoying me and I got a little sad that I didn't have anyone to share the day with. It also got me down watching all the couples dance to the slow songs.

That's when I realized that I have to make my own fun. If I wanted to have a good time, I was going to have to create it. So, I got up and danced. I even danced with people I never met. The DJ knew my name from a conversation I had with him at cocktail hour and he would get on the microphone and cheer my dancing on!! Then I started having a great time. I was smiling a lot, laughing a lot and enjoying my time there.

I realized that you can't let anyone hold you back from having a good time (even if it is your mother). You are in charge of your attitude. Make it a positive one. When I decided to have fun at this wedding, I did, but only cause I made sure that I did.

So it doesn't matter if you go to a wedding alone or with a date, it's your attitude that makes the difference.

(And hopefully at the next wedding, I won't have to sit next to my Mom)

Going Single, Part 1

So tomorrow is Ryan's wedding. Ryan is a family friend of ours and he is finally marrying Trish, after dating her for a year. I am proud and happy for him and can't wait for the wedding.

I am going dateless to this event. I invited my dancing friend to come but he has to work (or so he says) so I am going alone. I am a little worried but also looking forward to it at the same time.

I haven't gone to a wedding alone since 8th grade, so this is new to me. But I feel like an event like this may be a good place to meet a guy. I plan on looking fabulous. I have the perfect green sweater picked out that will fully accent my beautiful green eyes. I had my hair cut last week. I am wearing my black and white heels, that fit comfortably and look hot. Add makeup, smile, and lots of confidence and I am going to be THE girl to be with at the reception.

There is a snag to my whole plan of meeting someone and being all that I can be....My Mother. My mom is also invited to the wedding and is also going alone for the first time in over 30 years. She will want to hang out with me ALL day since she won't know many people there. She also has a way of knocking down my confidence and embarrassing me. Oh, and did I mention that she drives me CRAZY! I love her but she makes me go mad. She has no confidence in herself to mingle around and meet new people so she will be hanging by my side ALL night putting a damper on my plans.

And of course, as happy as I am for Ryan and Trish, I get a little depressed at a wedding or couples event like this. It just reminds me of what I had and what I lost and what I no longer have. And I often believe that I will never have all that....the wedding and fairy tail ending.

But I won't let that stop me. I will still go to this and have a great time. I'm going to dance my butt off and we'll see what happens.

I'll let you know how it turns out.

I Am Thankful

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Thanksgiving is a day that reminds us what we are thankful for.

I am thankful for:

1) Unconditional Love. The love that my dog, Randy, gives me everyday. The love that the three year olds that I teach give me. They don't care what I look like, what my skin color is, if I am single, if I have had a bad day. They love me anyway, no matter what. And I love them for that.

2) My Health. Finally getting over the vertigo and feeling back to normal. I am also thankful for having a wonderful doctor who has listened to me and cared about me. Thanks Dr. P!

3)My Family. As much as I complain about my family, I do love them. No, Really, I do. I am thankful for what they have provided me...shelter, food, a home, love. They have supported me through some hard times and I am grateful for that.

4) My Grandma. I never realized how cool my Grandma is until my Dad died and I took over the role of putting drops in her eyes every evening. Every night, she tells me funny stories, talks about when she was a child, and gives me advice from another perspective. She is wonderful and I never appreciated her as much as I do now. I love her! I am thankful that she is with us still and that I was able to have the time to get to know her before she passes away. Thanks Grandma.

5) My Friends. Though they may be spread across the country, they are always there for me when I need them and even when I don't need them. We share laughs, memories, futures. My old friends give me comfort and support when I need it and I know that I can go to them for anything and they will still love me no matter what. They are my extended family and I love them deeply. My new friends I hope become my extended family too. I love getting to know them and appreciate all the different things that they bring into my life.

6) Dance. I love to dance! I am happy that I found this new hobby this year and am glad that I had the confidence to walk into that dance studio for my frist lesson. It has brought me joy to learn how to dance. I am thankful to everyone at the studio, especially my instructor who has much patience for me and makes dancing fun!

7) Hot Tea. Oh how I LOVE my hot tea! It comforts me when I am sad and makes me warm when I am cold. My days wouldn't be as productive without my hot tea.

8) Facebook and MySpace. Sounds stupid, but through the magic of the internet, I have reconnected with some old friends and have been able to keep in touch with my long distance friends. Without my favorite social networking sites, I wouldn't be as up to date on the current events of my friends and acquaintances.

Most of all I am thankful for life and all that it brings. Even when sometimes it may bring me rough times, I am still thankful to be alive. And who knows, maybe one day life will bring me that Prince Charming I have been dreaming about. But until then, I am thankful to have my single life to enjoy.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Confusion

Just when I thought I had it all figured out by keeping Dancing Dude on the back burner, he texted me today. I do have to say that I am not as interested in him after his month long hiatus from me.

I don't quite know what to say about it. He says he hasn't called, written or texted because he was busy. I feel like he only knows me when no one else is around. Then he texts today and is ultra flirty and cute. Confusing.

I am very skeptical of him. He makes plans with me and then ditches out. He promises and doesn't deliver. And to be honest, I deserve more than that because I am worth it. If he doesn't see it, that's his problem, his loss.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about myself, relationships, love (or in my case a lack of love) and I think I will remain hopeful but at the same time take a step back. I think I am going to stop looking for a little while. If someone special comes along, I am not going to push him away, but I guess I just want to be cautious. Maybe I am being too careful. I don't know. I don't know what to do anymore.

It's confusing, I am a very confident person but when it comes to dating and relationships I have no clue and lack confidence. After my last relationship, I don't trust my own decisions. I don't know what to do to regain the trust in myself...if it is even possible to do so.

I need help....lots and lots of help.

Mommy Dearest

Okay. I don't know where to begin when it comes to my Mom. I guess I want to start by saying I love her. I really do. She just drives me to insanity.

First off, my Mom is not the smartest person. She also has NO memory whatsoever. She isn't that old, but she just can't remember things. So, I have heard the same stories over and over and over and over and over again. I kindly listen, but not fully cause my mind will be elsewhere cause I have heard this already. She also will ask me the same question several times. This morning we were getting ready to do our Saturday morning shopping. She asked me once, "Do you have any books to return to the library?" I said yes and that I put them on the kitchen table. Then 5 minutes later she asked me again and I answered again. Then 2 minutes later she asked me again. I refused to answer her cause she must have heard me at least one of the times I told her. How can she possibly not remember something I told her 2 minutes ago? Or is it that she just isn't listening?

My Mom cannot make a decision for herself even if it was to save her life. This is the part that drives me CRAZY. She is such a nervous person and she asks my opinion about everything. What do you want to eat for dinner? How should I drive to the mall? What should I order for dinner? What are you ordering? Okay, I'll have the same thing then. And when she offers an opinion she finishes the statement by saying "don't you?". She'll say something like, "I think she's pretty, don't you?" And if I don't agree she'll retract her opinion and change it to agree with mine! It drives me crazy. I don't understand how one gets through life with no memory and no self confidence in the decisions they make.

She is such a nervous person. Everything makes her a "wreck". She was a "wreck" going to the DMV this morning. I understand that no one likes going to the DMV. It can at times be a sucky experience, but there is no reason to be overly worried about it. We have a wedding to go to at the end of the month. A family friend of ours is getting married and she is a "wreck" about it. I know that it may be hard for her ( this will be the first wedding since my Dad passed away), but she is most nervous about driving there. The reception is in Pennsylvania and she is afraid that the weather will be snowy and she doesn't know where the reception is. She has asked me to drive her...I haven't fully agreed yet cause if I have a date for the wedding (which if you read my blog you will know is HIGHLY unlikely) I would be driving with them. We were discussing the driving situation the other day and she yelled in the middle of it "Well I don't know where I am going." I yelled back, "No one knows where they are going. They sent directions...follow them." She acts like she is the only one that doesn't know what they are doing. Life is all about new experiences and learning from them. She refuses to learn.

I'm not sure how to deal with it anymore without losing my mind. I may have already lost it. I need help.

(Speaking of weddings, anyone out there free the Saturday after Thanksgiving that wants to drive out to Pennsylvania and spend time with people they don't know? No......Okay.....another adventure alone......oh yeah, not alone I forgot I'll be driving my Mom. oh can't wait!)

I'm not an evil person, I really do love my Mom. I think I'd love her more if I moved into my own place. Oh well.

Memories

Last night, I started thinking about all the good memories I have from my last relationship. I do have some really nice memories with him. I started to miss him a little bit last night....then I remembered all the bad things and I realized I'm better off without him.

I don't miss him, I miss being loved and in love. I miss having someone to share things with. I miss having someone to cuddle with until I fall asleep. I miss having someone to bounce ideas off of. I miss having a partner to laugh with, to talk to, to dance with, to cry with. I missed being kissed and hugged. I miss the friendship and the companionship that we shared. I wonder if I'll ever have someone to share my life with again.

I'm usually accepting of my single self. But the last couple of days I've been down and pessimistic about it. I really am beginning to feel like I'm gonna be single forever. I really just want to be loved. I miss being loved .

And things lately seem backwards. Everyone keeps telling me how great I am but they won't date me. Guys want to be my friends but forget about being my boyfriend...thats out of the question for them. And my one and only single girlfriend, the one who I thought could never keep a boyfriend, is engaged to be married. What happened? Is is me? Is it them?

Is my prince charming out there? I want to make more memories.

You've Got Mail

I miss my friends. I miss the friends that I haven't seen since high school. I miss the friends that I haven't seen in a few months. I miss the friends that I haven't seen in a few weeks. I just miss my friends.

Since I have been home with vertigo, I haven't seen some of my daily work friends and I haven't seen some of my weekly dance friends. I have been alone in my house for most of the day. Being by myself most of the time has given me some time to keep in touch via the internet with some friends that I haven't seen or heard from in years.

Through the magic of Facebook and MySpace I have reconnected with some that I've lost track of 10 years ago. It's interesting to learn what people are doing, where people are located and what all has happened since college and high school. I enjoy learning about how the teenage high schoolers have turned into smart, interesting and lovely adults.

Everyone is so successful. Most are married. Some have children and all have great jobs. Everyone is living out on their own (and not with their mothers like I do sadly) and everyone seems so happy. I don't have much. I am a single girl with no children and my job isn't that great. I sometimes feel like I haven't grown as much as my friends and that sometimes leaves me with nothing to add to conversations. I often feel left out.

So I try to find common ground. Usually, its being single. I have a few friends that are single like me. I have one friend in particular that talking about single life is exactly how we reconnected. After all the single advice and conversations about dating, now we talk about anything....politics, dancing, work, life in general. It really makes me wish that we were better friends in high school and that we kept in touch over the years. I know that we were all different in high school and maybe that is why we weren't close back then. You know what it doesn't matter. What matters is that we are friends now. I look forward to my daily emails and enjoy talking to him.

What I wonder about all my reconnected friends is how long it will last. Are people just being friendly? Who knows. I guess I should just be happy and live for now. I'm glad that I've reconnected. Now I'm gonna go check if my inbox has new messages.

Facade

It's funny how you never know what others truly think about you.

Until they tell you.

Last night my mother did just that. And it became clear that my brother is her favorite (which I have known since childhood). She said that my brother is emotional, sensitive and caring. And then said that I am strong and that I don't care about anybody but myself.

In a way, I see her point. I am a strong and confident person. And because I am so confident, I tend not to care what others think about me, cause this is me and there is no changing it. But on the other hand, I care so much about what others think of me that I held myself back from doing things for fear of what my parents would think. Something I am just now starting to get over.

I really don't think that my Mom knows who the real me is. I am a totally different person around her than I am around my friends. In fact, I am the most emotional person I know. I just try to hide it from her. I put up a very good facade.

It really hurt me when she said that last night. I now know what she thinks of me...that I am a horrible person who doesn't care about anyone. That hurts. Now I know what she really thinks of me.

Am I a bad person? Do I know the real me?