Yup, I'm at home. Which means I am not out with my boyfriend. He didn't want to go out tonight and I think that he was afraid to tell me that, but he said that he just wants to zone out and not think about anything. So I left him alone. Honestly, it was probably for the best. I am so tired after only getting 3 hours of sleep last night. I'm not fully feeling well and am in a terribly bad mood.
I am still very confused by last night. Today we texted during work like we always do and it was like nothing happened at all. Then he cancels for tonight, but makes plans for tomorrow (we'll see if he cancels those too).
I don't get it. I just don't. And I don't know how to act around him anymore. I really feel like I may have screwed this up even though I can't find anything that I have done wrong. Its REALLY bothering me. And now I am afraid to do anything....its like walking on eggshells around him. I can't be myself, cause apparently my normal traits annoy him. Maybe it is destined to fail.
But the thing is, til last night, things were going great. Wonderfully great. I was happy. He was happy. We were happy. We would go on date nights and have a good time or we could stay in and still have a good laugh.
I just can't figure out where I took a wrong turn. Maybe it will all blow over and things will be fine....I can only hope!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Confusion
Maybe this relationship is not going to work out.
Maybe I am just meant to be alone and single for the rest of my life.
I could be over reacting here but I swear that my boyfriend tried to break up with me over a text message last night. That's just as bad as breaking up with someone on a post it note (as happened to Carrie in Sex and the City).
A text message seriously. Come on. Grow some balls at least if you are going to do it.
The whole thing leaves me confused. Earlier in the evening we were chatting on instant messenger and everything was happy and fine. We talked about things but it didn't end badly. He even said that he thought of our relationship as a marriage and that no matter what happens we will talk it out. It ended with us making plans for tonight. So I went to bed happy.
Then at 1:30 in the morning the phone beeps and it is a text from him talking about how he didn't have a good day and has been thinking a lot. It was weird. Three hours later he says and I quote "And I won't lie and I feel like shit saying it out loud knowing how much more that will fuel your worry, but it has crossed my mind that it would just be easier to break up. As much as I love the idea of you in my life...." It goes on but I thought for sure he was breaking up with me. Who wouldn't after reading that it would be easier to do so...and lets face it, guys usually take the easy road out.
So I was upset. Very upset. I don't want to lose him. And it scared me
He later on said that he doesn't want to lose me either but that it might be inevitable that we break up anyway. How do I deal with this? I don't want to lose him, but at the same time I can't be walking on eggshells constantly worried that he might break up with me.
At the end of the conversation, he said that he may not want to go out with my tonight. I have given him his space all week, haven't seen him since Sunday. And no matter how much space I give him, it doesn't seem to be enough cause now he wants to be alone tonight too. Maybe he just doesn't want me in his life as much as I want him.
I don't know, but I am left very confused. And not sure if I can handle it. I know that I cannot handle another break up....I barely handled the last one.
Maybe I am just meant to be alone and single for the rest of my life.
I could be over reacting here but I swear that my boyfriend tried to break up with me over a text message last night. That's just as bad as breaking up with someone on a post it note (as happened to Carrie in Sex and the City).
A text message seriously. Come on. Grow some balls at least if you are going to do it.
The whole thing leaves me confused. Earlier in the evening we were chatting on instant messenger and everything was happy and fine. We talked about things but it didn't end badly. He even said that he thought of our relationship as a marriage and that no matter what happens we will talk it out. It ended with us making plans for tonight. So I went to bed happy.
Then at 1:30 in the morning the phone beeps and it is a text from him talking about how he didn't have a good day and has been thinking a lot. It was weird. Three hours later he says and I quote "And I won't lie and I feel like shit saying it out loud knowing how much more that will fuel your worry, but it has crossed my mind that it would just be easier to break up. As much as I love the idea of you in my life...." It goes on but I thought for sure he was breaking up with me. Who wouldn't after reading that it would be easier to do so...and lets face it, guys usually take the easy road out.
So I was upset. Very upset. I don't want to lose him. And it scared me
He later on said that he doesn't want to lose me either but that it might be inevitable that we break up anyway. How do I deal with this? I don't want to lose him, but at the same time I can't be walking on eggshells constantly worried that he might break up with me.
At the end of the conversation, he said that he may not want to go out with my tonight. I have given him his space all week, haven't seen him since Sunday. And no matter how much space I give him, it doesn't seem to be enough cause now he wants to be alone tonight too. Maybe he just doesn't want me in his life as much as I want him.
I don't know, but I am left very confused. And not sure if I can handle it. I know that I cannot handle another break up....I barely handled the last one.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Long Term Relationship
Everything is going to be just fine.
After all those discussions and thinking he was almost going to break up with me, things turned out wonderful this weekend. We went out and had a good time. We also had a chance to talk about things and I now more understand where he is coming from and what his mentality is. I also realized from these talks that he hopes to have me in his life for a LONG time. This is all good and makes me really happy because that is what I want too.
We wound up having a wonderful time and spending a lot of time together. We always have a good time together but I feel like the time this weekend was a better quality time. I don't know if it's because I learned more about him or if I valued it more. I also felt less stressed and insecure this time. I just let some of the worries go and I think that is exactly what I needed.
So, this is going to work out and work out great. I am still happy and still love to be with him. And I realize now that he wants me around and is happy with me too.
He's in it for the long-term...and so am I!
After all those discussions and thinking he was almost going to break up with me, things turned out wonderful this weekend. We went out and had a good time. We also had a chance to talk about things and I now more understand where he is coming from and what his mentality is. I also realized from these talks that he hopes to have me in his life for a LONG time. This is all good and makes me really happy because that is what I want too.
We wound up having a wonderful time and spending a lot of time together. We always have a good time together but I feel like the time this weekend was a better quality time. I don't know if it's because I learned more about him or if I valued it more. I also felt less stressed and insecure this time. I just let some of the worries go and I think that is exactly what I needed.
So, this is going to work out and work out great. I am still happy and still love to be with him. And I realize now that he wants me around and is happy with me too.
He's in it for the long-term...and so am I!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Opposites Attract?
I'm not sure what is going on but I am angry, upset and confused right now.
Again, plans with the boy got cancelled. I am pissed that I just took a long shower and over a half hour to straighten my hair only to find out that we weren't going anywhere. I was really looking forward to tonight especially after not seeing him last night. Now, nothing again and I can't figure it out.
We just had this long conversation via facebook chat. I really thought he was leading up to breaking up with me. But what he was saying was that he wants me in his life just not as often and then went on to say that we have some personality traits that clash and we need to work on them.
He said he feels trapped and overwhelmed. I find this confusing cause I don't see him that often. I saw him twice this week, once was his idea, once was mine. I am afraid that if he feels trapped now with only seeing him twice a week that we will now see each other never and the relationship will be over.
See, I am a planner. I like to know what my day is looking like so I can prepare for it accordingly. He is the opposite, he never plans. He rarely knows what he is doing until 2 hours before it happens. I just don't operate like that. Also, we will make plans that I get all excited for and then he will cancel them or change them at the last minute for work/sick/play and then I get disappointed and he wonders why. Tonight he has flip-flopped a million times about what our plans were and it is super annoying to me. I just want to know what we are doing tonight so that I can get ready and do it.
Also, our ideas of what is fun are different. He likes to go to a bar and drink, I would much rather go bowling or to a movie. So we are both sacrificing to do what the other enjoys and I am hoping that in the end we will both equally like doing what the other likes. He likes being in a large group and I like doing things one-on-one.
We're different. I guess our personalities clash a bit. But there is something in mine that he is attracted to and something in his that attracts me to him. Maybe the fact that we have enough in common yet enough different is what makes it work. I hope so, cause I really like this one. In fact, I think I love him. I haven't told him that yet but I definitely know that I am falling in love with him. I really want to make it work. And I feel that if both people want it to work out then usually it will. I just worry that these differences will cost us eventually.
I want nothing more than to see him right now, but if I have to take a step back to keep him then that is what I'll do. I just know in myself that I can only deal with that for so long. And I am worried about that.
Again, plans with the boy got cancelled. I am pissed that I just took a long shower and over a half hour to straighten my hair only to find out that we weren't going anywhere. I was really looking forward to tonight especially after not seeing him last night. Now, nothing again and I can't figure it out.
We just had this long conversation via facebook chat. I really thought he was leading up to breaking up with me. But what he was saying was that he wants me in his life just not as often and then went on to say that we have some personality traits that clash and we need to work on them.
He said he feels trapped and overwhelmed. I find this confusing cause I don't see him that often. I saw him twice this week, once was his idea, once was mine. I am afraid that if he feels trapped now with only seeing him twice a week that we will now see each other never and the relationship will be over.
See, I am a planner. I like to know what my day is looking like so I can prepare for it accordingly. He is the opposite, he never plans. He rarely knows what he is doing until 2 hours before it happens. I just don't operate like that. Also, we will make plans that I get all excited for and then he will cancel them or change them at the last minute for work/sick/play and then I get disappointed and he wonders why. Tonight he has flip-flopped a million times about what our plans were and it is super annoying to me. I just want to know what we are doing tonight so that I can get ready and do it.
Also, our ideas of what is fun are different. He likes to go to a bar and drink, I would much rather go bowling or to a movie. So we are both sacrificing to do what the other enjoys and I am hoping that in the end we will both equally like doing what the other likes. He likes being in a large group and I like doing things one-on-one.
We're different. I guess our personalities clash a bit. But there is something in mine that he is attracted to and something in his that attracts me to him. Maybe the fact that we have enough in common yet enough different is what makes it work. I hope so, cause I really like this one. In fact, I think I love him. I haven't told him that yet but I definitely know that I am falling in love with him. I really want to make it work. And I feel that if both people want it to work out then usually it will. I just worry that these differences will cost us eventually.
I want nothing more than to see him right now, but if I have to take a step back to keep him then that is what I'll do. I just know in myself that I can only deal with that for so long. And I am worried about that.
So You Had a Bad Week
I guess cause I have been single for a while, I forgot how hard being in a relationship can be. Especially when it is a new relationship, and you are trying to learn about one another but also trying to do all the right things so that you don't screw it up.
I am an emotional person. I always have been. I am usually really good at hiding those emotions and keeping it behind my closed bedroom door. I typically do not like to cry in front of people and if I am mad I usually will keep it in so that the other person doesn't think poorly of me.
This week has been an emotional roller coaster for me and I just could not hide it from my boyfriend, even though I really wanted to.
Tuesday I cried hysterical in front of him. It was a rough night and I got into a fight with a friend who gets angry when she is drunk. We are no longer friends and that is exactly how I want it after the way she acted. The thing is she is really good friends with my boyfriend and I don't want to put him in the middle of it all. I guess cause the night was so stressful I couldn't hold it in anymore and in the middle of the night I was hysterical crying in his arms. The next day, I realized that he saw me probably at my worst and was terrified of what he thought of me.
Wednesday night he said he wasn't feeling good and cancelled our dinner plans and I was disappointed and still wondering if he thought I was a horrible person from the night before.
Thursday night was wonderful. We had a very nice evening and the next day I was extremely happy.
Friday nights are always our going out nights. So I was looking forward to going out after work and relaxing with my boyfriend with a few drinks to go along with it. Then he cancelled our plans again saying he was sick. He always goes out on a Friday night. So it left me very confused. It also made me question his feelings and why he is pushing me away at times. We had a talk about it and things are okay now. But I still wonder about it. Did he lie to me and go out without me?
See, I am used to liars. All my boyfriends were liars so I have trouble trusting people. I don't think that he would lie to me about that but who knows.
I know that I am thinking way too much into this and I am sure that we will see each other tonight and everything will be just fine. But this whole week reminds me that I am not good at relationships and I have to work very hard at this one. Cause this one is a keeper and I refuse to lose him.
I am an emotional person. I always have been. I am usually really good at hiding those emotions and keeping it behind my closed bedroom door. I typically do not like to cry in front of people and if I am mad I usually will keep it in so that the other person doesn't think poorly of me.
This week has been an emotional roller coaster for me and I just could not hide it from my boyfriend, even though I really wanted to.
Tuesday I cried hysterical in front of him. It was a rough night and I got into a fight with a friend who gets angry when she is drunk. We are no longer friends and that is exactly how I want it after the way she acted. The thing is she is really good friends with my boyfriend and I don't want to put him in the middle of it all. I guess cause the night was so stressful I couldn't hold it in anymore and in the middle of the night I was hysterical crying in his arms. The next day, I realized that he saw me probably at my worst and was terrified of what he thought of me.
Wednesday night he said he wasn't feeling good and cancelled our dinner plans and I was disappointed and still wondering if he thought I was a horrible person from the night before.
Thursday night was wonderful. We had a very nice evening and the next day I was extremely happy.
Friday nights are always our going out nights. So I was looking forward to going out after work and relaxing with my boyfriend with a few drinks to go along with it. Then he cancelled our plans again saying he was sick. He always goes out on a Friday night. So it left me very confused. It also made me question his feelings and why he is pushing me away at times. We had a talk about it and things are okay now. But I still wonder about it. Did he lie to me and go out without me?
See, I am used to liars. All my boyfriends were liars so I have trouble trusting people. I don't think that he would lie to me about that but who knows.
I know that I am thinking way too much into this and I am sure that we will see each other tonight and everything will be just fine. But this whole week reminds me that I am not good at relationships and I have to work very hard at this one. Cause this one is a keeper and I refuse to lose him.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Third Time Lucky
So, I have been in my new relationship for a half a month now. It is going wonderfully and I really enjoy spending time with him. We seem to be going in the right direction and I really like that. This is all new to me but so far I am enjoying it.
Nothing about him bothers me, but there are a few things about others that are annoying me.
I hate how others feel they need to take credit for our relationship when they had a VERY small part in getting us together. We met through a friend. He is a friend of one of my friends and we all went out for New Year's Eve. Well, my friend is now going around telling everyone that she "set us up" and if it weren't for her we wouldn't be together. True, if we both weren't friends with her we would have never met. But going around telling everyone that it is all because of you is a bit conceited.
I'm annoyed that when I go out with that same friend, all she does is gush all over us about how cute of a couple we are and actually says "awwwww." I am glad that she is happy for us but it gets very irritating to hear the gushing within a normal conversation. I also feel like she may be overcompensating since I know that she complains a bit to others about us. See, she and I used to be the single girls in the group. We would go out together and all the guys would flirt with her and not so much me. So for New Year's, I had one out of the four guys we were hanging out with flirting with me and it worked out! I am happy but I think she is missing her friends and also is seriously jealous of it.
I am still getting used to the "in-laws" and I am starting to get the feeling that his mom doesn't like me. He insists that she does but I still get that feeling. I think she feels that I will take her baby away from her, even though her baby is 31 years old. I am sure that it will all work out but it still bothers me a lot. I want her to like me but I am not willing to change myself for it. I have never really had good luck with boyfriend's moms before so I am hoping this one will be different. I can still work on it but the important part is my boyfriend likes having me around and I guess that is all that really matters.
I have been very happy. This is the happiest I have been in a very long time. I am thinking that this relationship will last a long time. I am hopeful for that anyway. There is something different about this relationship than any of my last ones. A good different. Maybe the third time is the charm.
Nothing about him bothers me, but there are a few things about others that are annoying me.
I hate how others feel they need to take credit for our relationship when they had a VERY small part in getting us together. We met through a friend. He is a friend of one of my friends and we all went out for New Year's Eve. Well, my friend is now going around telling everyone that she "set us up" and if it weren't for her we wouldn't be together. True, if we both weren't friends with her we would have never met. But going around telling everyone that it is all because of you is a bit conceited.
I'm annoyed that when I go out with that same friend, all she does is gush all over us about how cute of a couple we are and actually says "awwwww." I am glad that she is happy for us but it gets very irritating to hear the gushing within a normal conversation. I also feel like she may be overcompensating since I know that she complains a bit to others about us. See, she and I used to be the single girls in the group. We would go out together and all the guys would flirt with her and not so much me. So for New Year's, I had one out of the four guys we were hanging out with flirting with me and it worked out! I am happy but I think she is missing her friends and also is seriously jealous of it.
I am still getting used to the "in-laws" and I am starting to get the feeling that his mom doesn't like me. He insists that she does but I still get that feeling. I think she feels that I will take her baby away from her, even though her baby is 31 years old. I am sure that it will all work out but it still bothers me a lot. I want her to like me but I am not willing to change myself for it. I have never really had good luck with boyfriend's moms before so I am hoping this one will be different. I can still work on it but the important part is my boyfriend likes having me around and I guess that is all that really matters.
I have been very happy. This is the happiest I have been in a very long time. I am thinking that this relationship will last a long time. I am hopeful for that anyway. There is something different about this relationship than any of my last ones. A good different. Maybe the third time is the charm.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Smiling
I am in love with 2009.
This single girl is no longer single! It's exciting and happy and also a bit scary. But overall happy.
I met someone on New Year's Eve and since then I have been the happiest I have been in years. We have seen each other every day since the Eve. I could talk to him for hours and I love the way he makes me laugh and smile. He tells the greatest stories. He is very attentive and loving.
Since we met, its been a whirlwind. I have already met his parents and he has met my family. We've slept over each others houses and things seem to be progressing fast but also slow. And I like that.
The whole thing makes me a little nervous. It has been a long time since I have been in a relationship and I am so used to being single that this is a big change. A good change, but still a big one. I am also afraid of messing this up some how. I have a tendency to mess good things up and I definitely don't want to lose this.
I am very hopeful about this. So far things have been great, although it has only been like 5 or 6 days but still I am in love with 2009 and I hope this feeling never ends. I am still smiling :)
This single girl is no longer single! It's exciting and happy and also a bit scary. But overall happy.
I met someone on New Year's Eve and since then I have been the happiest I have been in years. We have seen each other every day since the Eve. I could talk to him for hours and I love the way he makes me laugh and smile. He tells the greatest stories. He is very attentive and loving.
Since we met, its been a whirlwind. I have already met his parents and he has met my family. We've slept over each others houses and things seem to be progressing fast but also slow. And I like that.
The whole thing makes me a little nervous. It has been a long time since I have been in a relationship and I am so used to being single that this is a big change. A good change, but still a big one. I am also afraid of messing this up some how. I have a tendency to mess good things up and I definitely don't want to lose this.
I am very hopeful about this. So far things have been great, although it has only been like 5 or 6 days but still I am in love with 2009 and I hope this feeling never ends. I am still smiling :)
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