It's 5 o' clock somewhere

I am very concerned about my boyfriend.

On Thursday night, he told me he wanted to go out with the boys. So he went with my blessing.

At 3 a.m. I am awoken by my phone ringing. My boyfriend never calls so when it was him I thought something was really wrong. I answered with a concerned "Hello." He was drunk. He told me that our friend drove him home because he was drunk and was upset that his car was still on the street. He wanted me to come pick him up to go get his car. I refused since I was warm in my bed and he was in no condition to drive. I told him I would pick him up the next day to get his car but not before.

But now I have more of the story. I talked to the designated driver about what happened. He told me that my boyfriend was so drunk that even the bartenders were worried. They were going to call a cab. Our friend told me that he has never seen him this bad.

My boyfriend drinks more often than anyone I know. That's not saying that he drinks a lot all the time, just the opposite. He drinks maybe one drink but drinks it everyday. Then on the weekends he will drink but not get drunk usually. But I have never met anyone who needs a drink before going to the movies or to bowling (two things I enjoy doing but never get to do because he prefers bars). I never met a family who at 5 p.m. start drinking a rum and coke. His mom drinks while watching television every night.

He has an excuse for it every time. "I'm Irish," "It's 5 o'clock somewhere," "Come on, its the weekend," "I had a bad day at work," "I just need a drink to calm down," "One drink isn't going to hurt". I've heard them all. I'm just tired of hearing it.

He says that he wants a future with me, but I have no desire to be married to or have children with someone who is a drunk. I am not spending my life with someone that will need a drink before seeing me walk down the aisle or need a few drinks before our children's soccer game.

What my boyfriend needs is help. He needs to go to therapy. I don't think he drinks enough to go to a rehab, but he definitely needs some sort of help. I am hoping that Thursday night kicked some sense into him, but I don't have high hopes for it.

Some would wonder why I stay with a drunk. Don't I deserve better? Perhaps. But I know him. I care for him. I want him to get better. If I didn't love him, I would just let him be a drunk without me. But since I do, I want to see him get help. With that being said, there is also only so much I can take. If he refuses to get help and this continues, I will have to say goodbye to him. That in itself, may be what it takes to get through to him, but I know that he also needs some support to get through it.

I wish I knew how to get him the help that he so desperately needs.

Rub Me, Baby

Why doesn't my boyfriend realize that sometimes instead of having sex I would prefer to have a really, long, relaxing back massage instead? Which if done really well would be orgasmic itself.

I'm not saying I never want to have sex again, I'm just saying that sometimes a good massage is better than a good fuck.

I give him back rubs and massages enough, its my turn.

The Ride

My boyfriend and I have been closer than ever since the fight that I thought was the end.

It leaves me a little confused but I am going with the flow. It makes me happy when he is happy and its been really nice that he is so loving. I guess he really does love and care for me.

It has me wondering what will happen when the next fight happens. Obviously, I'm not hoping that another fight will happen. But couples argue and I know that is normal. So, the next time he says something hurtful, I hopefully will stay calm and talk to him about it right then and there. That way a few days later he can't say that he didn't mean it that way or change his story. And hopefully that way we can discuss the issues and solve the problems immediately rather than waiting and getting upset for days.

For now, I am going to enjoy the ride!

The End?

Last night, I went out with my boyfriend and a few friends. We were at the bar and having a good time for a little while until my boyfriend just left me at the bar alone to go talk to some girls across the room. He says that he was trying to find a lady for our single friend, but I can't be so sure. After a while of sitting alone with no one to talk to, which let me tell you is OH so much fun, I got bored and tired from a long day at work. My boyfriend noticed that I was losing steam but seemed mad about it. I told him that I wanted to go home but he was having such a good time that we wound up staying for another hour while I pretended to be happy and awake. After that hour, I really wanted to go home. I was exhausted. I have had insomnia for about three weeks so my energy level is low. I just wanted to lay down. I gave my boyfriend a few options because I know that he was having a good time and didn't want to take him away from him. I told him that I would drive home and then pick him up when he was ready or that he could drop me off and then go back. I really was fine with these options. If I wasn't I wouldn't have offered them. He decided that we would both just leave. When we get home, he is mad. He is angry that I took him away from his friends. But he wasn't just mad, he said some very hurtful things that I just can't get out of my head. He said that he was happy that I was in his life but happier when I wasn't around. He said I was selfish and needy because I wanted to spend so much time with him. Keep in mind that I don't live with him so I only see him on the weekends and the occasional weeknight, but apparently that is too much time for him to spend with me. It just really hurts.

This morning he acted like nothing was wrong. I wasn't feeling good and he tended to me and seemed concerned. I had to call out sick from work not just because I wasn't feeling good but also because I was still upset from last night but trying to hold it in around him. In hind sight, I wish I went to work to keep my mind off of it.

I know that we have both been frustrated about work and we could be taking it out on each other. I'd like to think that is all that it is but I may be fooling myself. I don't know. I just don't want to feel like this anymore but the thought of breaking up terrifies me. I do love him and I don't want it to end. At the same time, I just can't feel sad all the time and worried about whether he really wants to be with me.

I don't know if he even remembers what happened last night. This is the way it always happens with us. We get into a fight. He blames me and thinks he can do no wrong which makes me frustrated and angry. He says some hurtful things. Then the next day we don't talk about it, we just go on with our day and when we see each other again we are back in our happy world. Its like an abusive relationship with the honeymoon period.

I'm not being selfish but its not all my fault. I am not saying that I am not to blame for all of it. But it takes two people to be in a relationship and he is not perfect either, though he thinks he is.

I don't know what to do. I am confused, angry and hurt (again). Is this the end?

Cute

To update my last blog, my boyfriend didn't talk to me much today either, turns out he was just busy and sad about work.

He said the following about our fight: "I think that you are a closet drama queen." "It's rather cute that you let it out which is why it doesn't bother me so much."

I'm not sure if this is a normal reaction to a fight. I am not sure what it means. I'm not sure why he ignored me, was cold to me and told me that he was mad. I'm not sure about any of it, but things seem ok with us now. I am just going to be more cautious, be less caring about me (not like I was to begin with ) and try to control my outbursts.

Outburst

I am sad, concerned, hurt, mad, frustrated and most definitely confused.

My boyfriend and I got into a fight last night over something very dumb. I admit that I totally lost my cool and got angry because I was frustrated and over tired. When I left his house this morning things seemed ok. We kissed goodbye and all he said was "you were very grouchy last night" with a smile and a chuckle. So I thought everything was ok. But he hasn't returned my calls or text messages. I instant messaged him and got no reply. So I am worried that he is either really mad or going to break up with me.

I cried on my drive home from work. I am thinking too much. He may just be busy and that is why he hasn't written. I didn't just cry because of the possible break up. I cried cause I just don't want to be angry and have these emotional outbursts or think that I am not good enough for him anymore. It's just not fair to me to be feeling like that all the time. I get help for my emotional issues and I work on them the best that I can. But damn it, I am good enough and if he can't see it then that is his problem.

OH UPDATE: He just wrote. He is mad. He said he is tired of it always being about me me me all the time. I think that he is trying to blame all the issues on me when it takes two to be in a relationship. I think it is a lot of him him him too. We always do what he wants to do, which usually consists of drinking at a bar (something I hate to do). But I do it to be with him. I can count on my right hand how many times he has come to my house. I always have to go to his. So for him to say that it is all about me, is just wrong. When I told him that I thought this, he said "then you'd be wrong" and "you're a fruit loop". I told him that I am trying to work on my issues but what about him working on his issues. Why is it always up to me to change me when he should be working on himself too.

I'm really at a loss as to what to do. I have been sad and confused all day. I can't go through another break up. I barely survived the last one. I just don't know what to do. I am consumed with too many thoughts and I don't like it.

Under the Weather

Yesterday, I wasn't feeling good, something I am not over today. I went to the doctor and was told it was a virus and to rest for the next few days.

Wednesdays are my usual date night with my boyfriend. It has been since we started dating. We usually do something that he wants to do, which usually means that we go to a bar somewhere. Last night, we had plans to go to the Colorado Cafe. I wasn't feeling good so I told him that although I wish I could go, I just don't feel up to it. He was not so understanding. Even though he said that my being sick was "aok with him", later on he gave me grief about it and tried to guilt me into going. I wouldn't give in, since I knew that once I went with him I would be stuck there for the duration of the night even though I had no energy and didn't even want to drink. He was even saying that I wasn't really sick, that I just had social anxiety and was using the virus as an excuse. Do I need to get a doctor's note now to excuse myself from activities with my boyfriend?

He is sick quite often and I have always been understanding, but because my illness interferes with his bar hopping he gets mad. Shouldn't he be more caring?

He hasn't talked to me since 7 p.m. last night. I texted "goodnight" to him, something I do every night, but no response. Seems ridiculous to me to be that upset about being sick.

I don't regret my decision to stay home. I fell asleep on the couch at 8:30 and just woke up about 13 hours later. So obviously I wasn't up to going out. I just wonder how long he will hold this against me since he has a knack for punishing me for certain things. Just not fair.

Happy Anniversary!

My boyfriend and I celebrated our first anniversary on New Year's. We re-created the night that we first met (well the best that we could) and it was wonderful.

Can you believe it, a whole year?

Happy Anniversary to us!! YAY!!

Missing Teaching

I think I hate my job. Actually I am mostly sure of it.

I thought that I would enjoy being a preschool director. I was a director before and loved it. But this school is different. Besides only being allowed to sit in an office all day and not interact with the children, the owner of the school is not only mean to me but also is cruel to the children. It is horrible what I hear her say to the children, it is just not acceptable. The school also is not following any state licensing regulations and is in fact breaking many of them. How this school remains licensed is a mystery to me.

I was never fully trained at this position so I go through work daily feeling incredibly unsure and unconfident in myself. Any one who knows me knows that if it is one thing that I am confident in it is my knowledge of child development and my ability to teach children. This job has zapped me of all of my confidence in what I do, what little I had left after my last job.

Today really bothered me. I am educated in how to teach children and how to make teachers and schools a better place for families. I am not trained in how to be a secretary and office manager. I do not know how to use quickbooks except for the bare minimums. I do not want to be in charge of the finances of not only the school but two other companies as well as my boss' personal finances. When I was hired they neglected to tell me that this would be the only thing that I would be doing and instead told me everything that I wanted to hear. Today, I told my boss that I think that there is less money in the accounts than she thought and I got in trouble. I felt terribly bad about it and I know part of it is my errors. But also, I was not trained in how to use quickbooks so how the hell was I supposed to know what to do. So she called the accountant and I had to sit in the office all day watching him do his work while being made to look foolish and feeling stupid.

I think that I actually miss teaching. I miss being creative and being a part of children's lives. I miss interacting with children and seeing that a-ha moment when they finally got something. I miss being in an environment where a child's uniqueness is fostered not diminished. I want to be in a more positive learning environment.

I feel like I may be making a mistake if I leave my current position. Am I meant to be a teacher and just a teacher? If I leave will I be able to do everything that my current flexible schedule allows? I think the flexible schedule is the only thing keeping me at my director job, is it worth it?