Foolish Behavior

I have had time to think about last night/this morning's situation and now I am just really really worried.

I really am afraid that he is going to break up with me.

I acted poorly and foolishly. I said things I didn't mean and I wasn't there when he needed support. I wouldn't be surprised if his parents are mad and banish me from their house. And if that happens this relationship is over. I really regret acting the way I did and I just want to take it all back.

I really wish I could take it all back

I haven't heard from him since I left this morning. I am worried that he is mad at me. We are supposed to go out for a friend's birthday but I wouldn't be surprised if he cancelled.

I am scared that I will lose him over my stupidity while being drunk. I plan on never drinking again.

I really wish he would call, or text, or IM just so that I know he is ok.

Why am I so dumb? I'm really really worried.

Seriously?

He says that his mother doesn't hate me, but she sure seems to hate me. He says that she is just going through a depression and taking it out on me. She makes my relationship more difficult, whether she intends to or not.

I can handle a mother-in-law not liking me. I have dealt with it before and am getting quite used to it. What I can't accept is my boyfriend taking her side all the time. I really wish he would stand up to her and defend me.

Last night, we went out. I drank heavily and acted poorly after we got home. Lets just say I was an angry drunk last night. I woke up this morning at 8:30 a.m. to use the bathroom. I climbed back into bed and got comfy when my boyfriend says to me "You should go now. Check out is at 9." I thought he was joking so I laughed and he said "Seriously".

So I left. I was pretty hungover and feeling really dizzy but he made me leave anyway. He said that those are his parents' wishes, for me to leave so early. Its like his mother doesn't even want to see me.

I am pretty hurt by it. I feel really unwelcome in his house. I have been disliked by mother-in-laws before but nothing like this. This is hatred. I think that she wants to make our relationship so difficult that we eventually break up. Question is, can our relationship survive it?

Case of the Mondays

Lately, I have been a little down when it comes to work. I don't exactly love my job. I enjoy working with children but hate everything else about it...the hours, the stress, the people, the lack of challenge. I would love nothing more than to find another job and succeed at it. With the economy being as it is, this is not really the right time to go searching for a new career but I feel I have to or I will lose my sanity.

I have been off on medical leave for the last three weeks. I have loved it. I caught up on television and relaxed and slept and it has been oh so wonderful. Monday I have to return to work and I can already tell that my mood is more somber and blah, all due to the anticipation of returning to that dreadful place. My co-workers have been calling telling me how awful it has been there in the past three weeks and that is making it harder to look forward to going back to work.

On top of that, my benefits department due to some glitch or oversight has terminated my health insurance benefits. I didn't know this until I had several hospital and doctor's visits come back unpaid. Now I have thousands of dollars in bills.

So yeah, not happy with work right now on so many levels. And in a few days I have to return there.

Let me tell you why I hate this job so much. There are several reasons but I will give you a few that have been wearing on my mind lately.

I need more of a challenge. I am bored with just teaching preschool. When I have talked to my boss about this she told me that I don't have enough experience to apply for a promotion. I don't know when 12 years of teaching preschool and having leadership experience became not enough to go for more. I feel like she is holding me back and it makes me resent her.

I get paid very little and even before these recent medical problems I have had trouble paying the bills. I feel like being a preschool teacher is the most underpaid and under appreciated job around. And when I am there I do all the work and get no credit for it. The teacher I work with does nothing and gets the recognition. I have now developed a 'why bother' attitude.

I also feel the desire to do more. But after applying to public schools for many years and being rejected I am beginning to feel like this day care position of teaching preschool is all that I am able to do. I am good at my job and have won awards for my teaching but if I am not happy doing it then whats the point.

I don't know where to go from here. A part of me wants a total career change. I just don't know in what direction I want to go and with no experience in whatever field that is, its difficult to get a position in it. A part of me just wants to have a higher position in the same type of school. But being held back at my current school is not helping.

I really would like to get out of this depression over work so that I can be happier. I just want to be successful and happy and actually enjoy going to work.

Maybe it's too much to ask. Maybe everyone hates their job. Maybe I should just suck it up and deal with it. But I know that I am capable of more and if I have that desire then I should go for it, right?

Bondage

My boyfriend's parents don't like me. Well, actually just his mom. His dad seems to love me.

I don't want to say that his mom hates me, I'm not even sure if she fully dislikes me, but she sure as hell doesn't fully like me either. She is cautious and skeptical and I think she thinks that I am taking her baby boy away from her.

This is not an unusual situation for me. In my past two serious relationships, the dad loves me while the mom is not sure of me. I don't know why this happens but it does, it always does. I have gotten quite used to it.

But this time around, its different. I want his mom to like me because I have faith that this relationship is going to last for a long time, possibly even forever. And i want his mom on my side. I want to have a good relationship with her. I actually really like her. I enjoy talking to her and would like to regain her confidence in me.

See, for the first month of our relationship, she was very friendly towards me. We would have great conversations and she would share stories with me. Then I don't know what happened, but she became a bit unfriendly. She talked to me less and less and the conversations were always cut short. I don't know what I did, but she was just done getting to know me. And it hurt. It still hurts.

I guess it hurts because I want to be a part of his family. I am ready for that, and they aren't. I am hoping that with time this all heals itself. That we will get to know each other and form a bond. I'm just going to give it time and hope for the best.

Giving Me What I Need

I guess I have had a lot of stress lately. I guess I have held it all in....cause yesterday afternoon I kinda lost it. I started crying and feeling like the most horrible person in the world.

At first my boyfriend didn't know what to do. He hugged me and held me and talked to me. Some of what he said helped and some made it worse, but I know that he was trying.

He took me outside for some fresh air which helped out a lot. He said that I need a relaxing day and that is what he gave me.

We sat in his living room for several hours. We talked about what was bothering me and thought up some solutions to those problems. Then we just sat and looked at the snow. We talked about anything and everything. We played games. Then we watched television with his parents. It actually was nice....and exactly what I needed.

He calmed me down and gave me encouragement. He helped me greatly and I am thankful for it.

Fuel to the Fire

I think that sometimes it is hard for me to understand that I am not the only one in my boyfriend's life. It is hard for me because most of my friends live long distance, so I rarely get the chance to see them or make plans with them. And if my friends need advice or to talk, it is via phone calls, instant messenger or emails.

Tonight my boyfriend and I had plans to go out (which I was very excited for). So, when he tells me that he would like to go visit his friend Sue instead, because she just broke off an engagement and needs someone to talk to, I was at first very upset and very disappointed. One would even say I was mad. I remember saying out of anger that I was tired of losing out to other people. I wish I didn't say that, but I was frustrated at the time and I guess it really was how I felt. I was being selfish. It is hard for me to understand that his friends can get that immediate help if they need to call on him. With me, if I am going through something I have to call or leave an email or pray they are on AOL at the time. In other words, I have to wait for a response and sometimes that waiting is hours or days. I rarely have the opportunity to give or receive immediate advice. And in a way, I am jealous that his friends get that. I am also happy that he cares enough that he wants to help his friends.

I drove around for a while just to clear my head and realized that I may have over reacted and added more stress to the situation for him. And I feel bad about that. I feel like I could have helped him more and instead I just made it worse.

See, there is a lot more to this situation that I didn't realize when it first happened but have since learned about. I think he left out the fact that he was fighting with his parents because he didn't want to worry me. He has said in the past that he tries to not tell me about the rough times. He lets his friends help him through that, so that he and I can have the happy times together. Still, sometimes I wish he would go to me for help. Lord knows I go to him for it.

I do worry about this fight with his parents. I know that his mom isn't too fond of me, so I would hope that whatever this fight is about, its not me. I also hope that his mom's dislike of me doesn't cause him to change his thoughts about our relationship. A mother-in-law doesn't have to like her daughter-in-law, right? Like this relationship could still be successful without the blessing of mommy dearest.....gosh I hope.

Our relationship is still relatively new and I know that I am not fully used to him or his friends/family yet. I know with time this will take care of itself. I just want to help him now and I don't know how to yet.

Like I said, I drove around for over an hour. I just got on the highway and went. I got caught up in my thoughts. The first half of my drive, I was still frustrated and shaky and worried and upset. But then I realized how silly I was being. My boyfriend needs support right now and I am worried about our plans for tonight!? Once I had this epiphany, I turned around and drove home with a new attitude.

I realized what my boyfriend needs right now is to have his girlfriend be there when he needs her to be and to not add fuel to the fire when he is already stressing over so many other things.

I want to be that good girlfriend. The girl of his dreams? I'm not sure I can live up to that, but I can sure try.

(Sorry if I rambled in this blog. I had so many thoughts all at once and couldn't get them all down quick enough. Hope it makes sense)

A Permanent Situation

So, my boyfriend, though he has not said those three little words to me while being sober, is serious about little ol' me.

He says "I love you" SEVERAL times while he is drunk. And I know that he does love me even though he can't say it. But now I realize that he is pretty serious about this relationship and is hoping that it lasts for a long time.

I know this because he has said it. He told me that he has every faith that this will work out. And has said that this relationship will turn into a permanent situation. Today, I got my test results from being sick and everything came back normal. In other words, I am going to be fine. When I told him that everything will turn out just fine, he got super excited! He said and I quote "yeah, lots of sex and kids in my future!" and went on to say that he is happy to hear my news for my sake and not his. When I questioned this he said that he would accept me no matter what, even if that means I am sick or have a disease. He said "if your health is bad, it would still be good for me, I would be accepting of you". Then went on to mention marriage before changing the subject.

So he loves me. He just can't say the word sober....honestly neither can I. I seem to only be able to say them in writing in a Valentine's Day card. So maybe we aren't meant for each other.

Life is too short to not say you love someone when you do. I just can't do it. But I am definitely falling more and more in love with him everyday.

Support System

So, I have been sick lately. The doctor says I have an inflammation of my uterus. He said that this could just be an infection, but it could also be a sign of uterine or cervical cancer and could be quite serious. He took some tests and I am trying to be patient while awaiting the results. But as the days pass by, I am getting more and more worried. This worry has been weighing on my mind and by Sunday I broke down and told my boyfriend of a month and a half that I may have cancer. I may have endometriosis and I may need a hysterectomy. I may also have nothing but an infection, but I felt I should tell him. Not only cause the worry was killing me, but also because if this relationship continues into something more permanent then this news would directly affect him.

I wasn't sure what his reaction would be. I was really nervous to tell him and managed to give him this news without crying. He was totally supportive. He said he would be there for me no matter what happens. He also said that he would not blame me if in the end we could not have children. He said that when the test results come in, we will take it as it comes and figure it out together.

I felt good after the conversation, 1) because it felt good to tell someone and 2) he was supportive and gave me the hugs and words that I needed. I hope that he means what he says and will be there for me no matter what cause I will need that kind of support.

He says he has every faith that this relationship will work out. I just hope that I am in good health and can enjoy it.

A Wonderful Day

Valentine's Day turned out to be wonderful.

It was iffy there for a while. He wasn't feeling good and got some bad news in the morning. But after talking for a while he said that I could come over for a little bit. Well I went over and we went out to some bars and had a blast!! One of the best times i have had with him. WAY too much fun! I slept over and spent most of the day with him today as well.

He didn't buy me anything. He said that one day he will buy me flowers and candy and cards for no reason at all just to show that he cares. He didn't buy me a gift for Valentine's day because he doesn't want to do it because he feels obligated or because it is expected. That was a good excuse. It would have been nice, but at the same time, just spending time with him is gift enough.

It was wonderful. And I am very, very, very happy! :)

Valentine's Day Eve

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. My first Valentine's Day in a long while that I have a valentine to share the day with. I just got done making my gift for him, 2 dozen brownie cupcakes with butter cream frosting all made from scratch. It was the first time I have wanted to give a gift to someone on this holiday. Even when I had a boyfriend, we never celebrated on this day and we never exchanged gifts. This year, I wanted to do something special.

I am not sure what our plans are for the holiday. We had a conversation a few days ago about how he hates this day and usually doesn't celebrate it at all. I don't know if that was because he was single before so he shut the day out, or if he really hates this holiday and that even with a girlfriend he refuses to acknowledge the day. Or if he said all that to make me think that we aren't doing anything and then he will surprise me even more.

No idea. I am hopeful that we will spend the day in a special way. I hope that he plans something for me...but maybe I shouldn't ask for it. I should just be happy. I do have him after all. But it would be nice to have a little romance on a day that calls for it.

Yes I do

I have not been feeling well, so when my boyfriend asked me to hang out with him last night I was a little hesitant. But I also knew that I wanted to see him because he would be the comfort that I needed. So I went.

He helped me to unwind after a stressful week of doctors and hospitals and not knowing what was wrong. He made me laugh and smile and for a little while, made me forget that I was in pain.

I slept over and this morning when he was telling me stories and getting me water and just being happy, I smiled and realized....Yes I do love him. I want him in my life forever and ever.

The Good Guy

I have a real keeper of a boyfriend....a really good guy.

Yesterday, I was in considerable pain and was really sick. I couldn't walk and could barely talk. I was in severe pain and was scared.

I wasn't sure how he would handle it or if he even would want to handle it after only dating for a month and a half. But he stood by me like a trooper. He dressed me, drove me to the hospital, and stayed with me during the six hours we were there. He walked me to the bathroom and kept me company with good talks and hand holding.

In the hospital, while I was lying in bed in pain, he said that he was glad that he could be there for me while I was sick and that if he didn't have feelings for me he wouldn't have stayed.

He held my hand and made me laugh and stroked my hair and made me not scared anymore.

Yup, he's a keeper. I am very lucky to have him.

Loved

So, after all the stress and confusion, everything is just fine. We went out on Saturday and had the best time I have had with him. It was the first time that I felt fully like myself and wasn't at all nervous. It was wonderful.

And the best part of it all, he told me he loved me. He has never said that. We were slow dancing and he had me look him in the eyes and he said "I love you." He told me that he was scared before and that was why he was acting like that and that he realized the night before around 10:45 that he loved me. I don't know what changed for him at 10:45 but I am so glad that it did.

I didn't say "I love you" back. When I say it, I want to really mean it. Even though I do love him and I know that I do, but I didn't want to say it just because he said it. So I hope that he wasn't hurt by that. But I do plan on saying it to him very soon, even though he knows I love him.

And now I know that he loves me. :)