Someday

After our little scare, all is clear and well. The test came back negative. I have to say that I am very relieved and a little disappointed. Relieved because we were not ready for this emotionally, financially or in any way what so ever. And disappointed because I guess I was kinda getting used to the idea of being a mommy. I know that it worked out for the best and I am happy about that and I am sure that the right time will come when I will become a mommy. That time is just not now.

I did learn a lot about my boyfriend through this experience. Last night, I told him that I was late for my period. He was so supportive. He said "All you have to do is take the test and I will handle the rest." He told me that if I was pregnant that he would want to raise the child together and even offered to marry me. I explained to him that I want him to marry me because he wants to and not because he has to. He was super supportive and calm throughout the whole thing, even when I was not. He made me feel better about the situation and that everything was going to be okay not matter what the results were today.

I took the test in the bathroom at work and since it was a negative, I texted him the results. He seemed relieved about the outcome and even said "Congrats" to me. About a half hour later, I realized that I wasn't that happy and even got teary eyed. I wrote him back and said "I thought I would be ecstatic but instead I am blah". He agreed and thought that it was because we realized how easily this can happen even with all the protection that we use and that the next time the outcome may be different. I think it was because after his support last night, I accepted the fact that I may be pregnant. I was getting used to the idea and even was starting to like it. As dumb as that is, when we are unmarried, without houses of our own and have little money.

Some day we will be parents, and when it is meant to happen it will. And I know that when that time comes, we will be more prepared and ready to handle whatever life hands to us.

Late

I am 5 days late for my period. I am scared out of my mind.

I have never been this late before. I haven't taken a test...yet. I feel like I should at least brace my boyfriend of this before dropping the bomb on him. And it could be entirely possible that the test if false.

I haven't taken a test yet because I am scared to. I am not sure if I am ready to know the results. I know that I am not young and it is perfectly acceptable now-a-days to have children out of wedlock. I am just not ready for it. I was hoping to at least be in this relationship for longer before children were introduced.

I know that my boyfriend will be supportive. We have actually had this conversation before about the what-ifs.

I am worried. I am scared. But I am sure that it will all work out as God plans it to....I hope.

Unwanted Attention

Last night, my boyfriend and I went to our favorite local watering hole to watch our friend, who I call "Glitter Bug", sing karaoke. We had an absolutely amazingly fun time.

There was one point during the evening that I was sitting at the bar alone. My boyfriend and Glitter Bug went outside for some fresh air. I am comfortable at this bar so it didn't bother me to be sitting there alone. I am enjoying my drink and people watching when the bartender taps me on the shoulder and points down to the other end of the bar to a guy who then waves me to come over. I wasn't sure why he was waving me over, I thought that I knew him from somewhere or something. I sit down next to him and he offers to buy me a drink. I ask him "On what conditions?" He said that he was hoping that if he bought me a drink that I would kiss or make out with him. I laughed and said "That is not going to happen." He asked me who I was there with and I told him straight out "My boyfriend and my friend." He gets all mad and says "You were going to let me buy you a drink when you have a boyfriend!" Actually I never accepted his drink offer. I questioned it from the very beginning. Then, he gives me his phone number (which I didn't ask for) and says that when, not if, I break up with my boyfriend to give him a call. This guy was getting a little close and touched my leg when I boyfriend walked in from outside. My boyfriend came over and started talking to us and then gave me an excuse to leave that situation.

Throughout the night the guy who hit on me kept staring at me, waving to me and winking. It made me really uncomfortable. On our way out of the bar, the guy and his friend followed us out and touched me on the back. I hated it! I was very uncomfortable but didn't know what to do.

I know that it was my fault for sitting down next to the guy but I knew that I had back up if he tried anything really tricky. I am a pretty smart chick so I knew not to accept his drink unless I saw it being made by the bartender and I knew not to give him my phone number. I also knew that this guy was going to get his ass kicked it he tried anything...Glitter Bug is a 250 lb. guy, and he will kick ass if he needs to. My boyfriend is also not a small guy. I also knew two of the bartenders who would bounce this guy out of there if needed. So I knew I would be protected, and thankfully I didn't need to be. But I still wish that I slapped the guy when he touched me or screamed at him or did something to defend myself and my body more.

Am I being too overprotective of myself? Also, I don't want my boyfriend to think that I sought out this guy or think that I wanted his phone number. What should I have done in this situation?

(And why is it that guys always hit on you once you are taken but never when you are available?)

Uninvited

Today is the birthday of my boyfriend's sister and they are having a family party at her house.

I wasn't invited. And it hurts my feelings. I am not sure if it should hurt my feelings but it does.

My boyfriend, in the short amount of time we have been dating, has been invited to three family birthday parties. He attended one of them even though he said that he was going to come to all of them. But its the invite that counts. He has been invited to three and I haven't been invited to one.

It hurts my feelings. He has been included as a part of my family already and I have not been accepted as part of his. And a part of me wishes that he would fight for me more on this issue with his family but maybe he isn't ready for me to be included in family events yet. It still hurts. I was hoping all day for a call or text telling me the details of meeting for this event but I got nothing. I am hurt. I don't know if I'd ever tell him that and I don't even know if it is right to feel this way, but I am still sad about it.

My Lovey

Sometimes we all need comfort. And my comfort item when I was a child was my stuffed dog, Mr. Wrinkles, that I hugged when I was sad and threw across the room when I was angry. Mr. Wrinkles knows more secrets and feelings of mine from my childhood than most people I know. He was my lovey, and he still resides on the top of my dresser...just in case.

But now I have another lovey--my boyfriend. When I have news, good or bad, he is the first one I tell. He always knows what to say, or not to say, to make me feel better. Sometimes just his touch--rubbing my back, holding my hand or fixing my hair--is enough to make me all feel better. Other times just him looking into my eyes and smiling sends happy thoughts and comfort through my body. He knows what to do to talk me out of bad moods and knows exactly what to say or do to make me laugh. And often times just knowing that I have him and he is mine puts things in a different perspective. I have been less stressed at work and don't let the little things bother me as much as they used to before he was in my life.

His love gets me through life's good times and bad. Our love for each other is my new lovey. It's comforting. :)

Okay

Things in my relationship are just fine. We have talked about Friday's foolish situation and are okay. I am not fully over it, as I am still very embarrassed and disappointed in myself and the way I acted. But he still loves me and that's all that matters to me.

We went out last night and I refused to drink. I had a few sips and he assured me that it would be okay if I wanted to drink. It's just not okay with me. I want to remain in control because I feel like the next time I lose myself and I lose that control that it will be the end of this relationship. So, I had a great time without the alcohol.

He cares for me and it showed last night. I am sure that with a little bit more time that things will get back to normal. For now I am still embarrassed and sad at myself. But with his love, I am sure I will be just fine sooner rather than later.