"Most people miss their whole lives, you know. Listen, life isn't when you
are standing on top of a mountain looking at the sunset. Life isn't
waiting at the altar or the moment your child is born or that time you were swimming in deep water and a dolphin came up alongside you. These are fragments. 10 or 12 grains of sand spread throughout your entire existence. These are not life. Life is brushing your teeth or making a sandwich or watching the news or waiting for the bus. Or walking.
Every day, thousands of tiny events happen and if you're not watching, if
you're not careful, if you don't capture them and make them count, you could miss it.
You could miss your entire life."
From the book Addition by Toni Jordan.
I just read this wonderful book, an excellent read. It reminded me a little of me and my boyfriend. I was perfect just the way I was when we met, just as he was perfect for me that cold New Year's Eve in 2009. You just have to accept each other and continue to love each other unconditionally. This book also reminded me to look at the little things, it will change your life.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Addition
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Not So Skinny, But Still Beautiful
I was talking to my boyfriend on IM.
He at first told me that he was not pleased by my text message to him this morning. I wrote him to tell him that I was upset, frustrated and stressed over my medical issues. Doctors still have not found a diagnosis and with each test that comes back normal I get more and more hopeless and depressed. He told me that I am "causing myself to be a victim" says I should "look past the doom and gloom and say all is well." And said "so what, you don't have the answer yet, move on." He feels that I shouldn't worry about the medical issues at all--that they will be solved when they get solved.
That was just the beginning, then he mentioned my weight. I have gained weight despite my efforts of eating much less than I used to. I believe the weight gain is due to the drugs I have to take to stop the seizures from happening. We have one of his company events to go to this weekend and the dress I want to wear he says may not fit due to the weight gain, even though it fit just a month ago. I told him that I am sure that it will fit, but if it doesn't no big deal, I'll buy another dress. He said "well you should worry about it and worry a lot about it." Now I understand that weight gain can become a health problem, but we are talking about maybe 10 pounds over the past 3 months or so. It's not like I have ballooned up to 300 pounds in 3 months. But that's besides the point.
Let me get this straight, I shouldn't worry about my health and medical issues but I should overly worry about the 10 pounds I have gained! It just got me thinking about how society has put such an emphasis on our looks and our weight that now people think that being skinny is more important than being concerned about medical issues. There is something seriously wrong with this world if I am expected to accept that having seizures nightly is normal as long as I am skinny. Or that I should stop taking the medicine just to lose the weight it made me gain in the first place. It really really bothered me.
As a preschool teacher, I am going to start one by one teaching the children I have care to accept people of all shapes and sizes. It may be a small dent in the problem, but at least I will hopefully make a difference in a small part. We need to teach this to children young, that people of all types, colors, sizes, shapes, orientations, races and religions are what make this country great. Accept and learn from all them.
I can't believe that my boyfriend even would say that to me. Seriously, he is worried about my weight more than the fact that I have seizures at night. Something needs to be said to him because that just isn't right. I am beautiful just the way I am (even if I did gain 10 pounds).
He at first told me that he was not pleased by my text message to him this morning. I wrote him to tell him that I was upset, frustrated and stressed over my medical issues. Doctors still have not found a diagnosis and with each test that comes back normal I get more and more hopeless and depressed. He told me that I am "causing myself to be a victim" says I should "look past the doom and gloom and say all is well." And said "so what, you don't have the answer yet, move on." He feels that I shouldn't worry about the medical issues at all--that they will be solved when they get solved.
That was just the beginning, then he mentioned my weight. I have gained weight despite my efforts of eating much less than I used to. I believe the weight gain is due to the drugs I have to take to stop the seizures from happening. We have one of his company events to go to this weekend and the dress I want to wear he says may not fit due to the weight gain, even though it fit just a month ago. I told him that I am sure that it will fit, but if it doesn't no big deal, I'll buy another dress. He said "well you should worry about it and worry a lot about it." Now I understand that weight gain can become a health problem, but we are talking about maybe 10 pounds over the past 3 months or so. It's not like I have ballooned up to 300 pounds in 3 months. But that's besides the point.
Let me get this straight, I shouldn't worry about my health and medical issues but I should overly worry about the 10 pounds I have gained! It just got me thinking about how society has put such an emphasis on our looks and our weight that now people think that being skinny is more important than being concerned about medical issues. There is something seriously wrong with this world if I am expected to accept that having seizures nightly is normal as long as I am skinny. Or that I should stop taking the medicine just to lose the weight it made me gain in the first place. It really really bothered me.
As a preschool teacher, I am going to start one by one teaching the children I have care to accept people of all shapes and sizes. It may be a small dent in the problem, but at least I will hopefully make a difference in a small part. We need to teach this to children young, that people of all types, colors, sizes, shapes, orientations, races and religions are what make this country great. Accept and learn from all them.
I can't believe that my boyfriend even would say that to me. Seriously, he is worried about my weight more than the fact that I have seizures at night. Something needs to be said to him because that just isn't right. I am beautiful just the way I am (even if I did gain 10 pounds).
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Merry - Go - Round
Life on the home front has not been so great for me lately. Put aside the fact that still living with my mother at the age of 30 is taking a huge hit on my emotional status, my brother moved back home recently and it is causing me more stress than I like to have at home.
My dog, Randy, has never been a fan of my brother, Joe. He has always barked and growled at him when seeing him or upon my brother's arrival. My brother doesn't help this relationship by being mean to Randy and just overall not making an effort to be nice at all.
Since my brother has moved home, Randy's barking and aggression toward my brother has become worse. It seems that Randy has enjoyed a Joe-free year and is really angry that he is back full time. All week Randy has been barking, almost constantly at Joe, leaving me with a headache and a lot of stress.
Since my brother is not making an effort to calm this situation, I have stopped attempting to quiet Randy. I used to try, but it has been way to stressful and I can't deal with it anymore (have I mentioned the major week long headache that won't go away).
I'm not sure where to go from here. I can't stand the barking, I can't stand the meanness, I love them both, I'm tired of being stressed in my own home.
There are other stresses at home that have been straining to me. My brother lives in the room next door (the big beautiful room that used to be mine, but my mom refused to let me move back in there even though Joe moved out. That is a whole other set of issues that cause me emotional pain). My brother and his girlfriend aren't always quiet. I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping. Some of the lack of sleep is due to medical issues, but some is due to the noise level coming from the room next door. For a person that needs to dedicate as much time to sleep as possible due to the medical problems, having some noises next door is not welcoming.
Seeing my brother and his girlfriend sleep here every single night, also makes me a little jealous. My boyfriend never even comes to my house let alone sleep over. I always have to sleep at his house and it is usually on the weekends. So, I have a little envy over their relationship, since I would love to see my boyfriend every day, but don't.
I really need to move out. I don't know if I can't take much more. But that puts me in a hard spot because I can't afford to move out right now. Apartments are expensive around here and I don't make that much money. And then that reminds me of how I don't like my job and want to make more money and around and around we go.
I just want the stress to end. Make the merry-go-round of emotions end.
My dog, Randy, has never been a fan of my brother, Joe. He has always barked and growled at him when seeing him or upon my brother's arrival. My brother doesn't help this relationship by being mean to Randy and just overall not making an effort to be nice at all.
Since my brother has moved home, Randy's barking and aggression toward my brother has become worse. It seems that Randy has enjoyed a Joe-free year and is really angry that he is back full time. All week Randy has been barking, almost constantly at Joe, leaving me with a headache and a lot of stress.
Since my brother is not making an effort to calm this situation, I have stopped attempting to quiet Randy. I used to try, but it has been way to stressful and I can't deal with it anymore (have I mentioned the major week long headache that won't go away).
I'm not sure where to go from here. I can't stand the barking, I can't stand the meanness, I love them both, I'm tired of being stressed in my own home.
There are other stresses at home that have been straining to me. My brother lives in the room next door (the big beautiful room that used to be mine, but my mom refused to let me move back in there even though Joe moved out. That is a whole other set of issues that cause me emotional pain). My brother and his girlfriend aren't always quiet. I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping. Some of the lack of sleep is due to medical issues, but some is due to the noise level coming from the room next door. For a person that needs to dedicate as much time to sleep as possible due to the medical problems, having some noises next door is not welcoming.
Seeing my brother and his girlfriend sleep here every single night, also makes me a little jealous. My boyfriend never even comes to my house let alone sleep over. I always have to sleep at his house and it is usually on the weekends. So, I have a little envy over their relationship, since I would love to see my boyfriend every day, but don't.
I really need to move out. I don't know if I can't take much more. But that puts me in a hard spot because I can't afford to move out right now. Apartments are expensive around here and I don't make that much money. And then that reminds me of how I don't like my job and want to make more money and around and around we go.
I just want the stress to end. Make the merry-go-round of emotions end.
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