No Win Situation

I can't win! No matter what I do, it just doesn't work out or it gets me in trouble.

On Friday, my boyfriend wanted to go to a bar to see a DJ friend of his play. I didn't want to go. I REALLY didn't want to go. I suggested that he go with his friends and I relax at home. Then he said that he won't go if I don't go and I felt bad that he would miss his friend's event. So I went.

When we get there, it is very empty so it gave me some time to settle in. But as the night went on, the DJ started and I hated the music that he played. My boyfriend and his friends were all up dancing and I was left alone at the bar. As time went on, I felt more and more uncomfortable. I lasted two more hours before I snapped and couldn't take it anymore. I was bored and left alone and I just wanted to go home. My boyfriend kept asking me what he could do to make me feel better and I said that I just want to go home. And so we went.

Then we got into an argument about it. And I felt bad that I ruined his special event. Why did he make me go? I didn't want to ruin it. Now his one friends are saying all these things about what I talked about there and none of it I remember. I wasn't drunk. I wasn't out of it. I remember most of the night. I remember that I barely talked to this girl and it certainly it wasn't a negative conversation.

This argument we had still lingers. It almost lead to us breaking up. And sometimes I feel like maybe we should break up. I feel like no matter what I do, I can't win with him. I try to be myself and then he tells me that it isn't the girl he wants. I try to be truthful and he tells me that I shouldn't be so negative. I feel so much pressure to be someone I am not. I feel like I am walking on eggshells just to not be in trouble with him or to say the wrong things or to avoid the next fight. I can't do it anymore. It is so hard.

I don't know what to do. I'm at the end of my rope. There are times I just want to end it, to be free. And there are other times that just the thought of that makes me start to panic. I think I am stuck. No matter what I do, will I be happy? I can't even answer that question. Am I destined to be single again? I wanted to marry him. I can't start all over again. I can't.

What do I do?