Just Not Sure

I am really not sure about a lot of things lately. Life in general just has me down and confused.

Things with my boyfriend haven't been going so great lately. We have been having mini arguments and I have been sadder and sadder around him than usual. I know that we are opposites, but its getting to be too much when he doesn't want to compromise at all. Its all what he wants to do and nothing what I want to do. Just not fair. I'm just asking for compromise. Then, this weekend, we did something he wanted to do = go to a bar. I finally got up the courage to sing karaoke and he when I looked around while I was singing. It was my first time and I was so proud and he wasn't there. He was outside smoking or flirting with someone else, or God knows what cause i couldn't find him after. It upset me. I probably over reacted but I got really upset and it caused an argument that night that didn't really end for a while. The next morning I was so depressed that I had self-destructive thoughts and had to call my therapist to calm me down. I am just starting to wonder if this relationship is the one I have always dreamed of. We have LOTS of good time too. He makes me happy, makes me laugh, is very supportive and is always there for me when I need him. He balances me out and calms me down. Do the good things outweigh the bad?

I am also having second thoughts about my new job. I have been there for two months now. I have enjoyed the job until this week when my boss has been blaming me for things that others are doing and yelling at me for things that I wasn't trained about. It is not my fault that I was not trained properly. I guess they want me to be a mind reader, but I just can't take it. I also don't find it fair that they tell me one thing and I go and do that and then then next day they change their minds and blame me for doing the wrong thing. My second doubts escalated yesterday when my boss threatened to spank a child. Abuse is something I will not tolerate. It is sometimes such a negative working environment. Is this the type of place that I want to work at?

Enough

Am I not enough for my boyfriend? Why do we always have to have "plans" to hang out?

It's Friday! Yay! And one of my favorite things about Fridays is that I get to see and hang out with my boyfriend. I don't really see him during the week. We don't live together and he works crazy hours sometimes, so I look forward to Fridays.

Tonight I was and still am looking forward to seeing him, but because we don't have "plans" with other people he now wants to scrap hanging out with me because "we have nothing planned to do". I don't understand. Why does we need to have a group to hang out? Am I not good enough? Does he need a distraction from me? It confuses me. It makes me wonder about our relationship.

Now I know I could be totally over-reacting here, but it just bothers me.

Serenity Now

I got the apartment!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is all mine as of October 15th!! I am super excited. Finally, a place of my own. Peace. Quiet. Serenity. PRIVACY! I can't wait, I am just so very excited!

I am not sure how to tell my mom. As I have said before she is completely and totally overemotional. I know that she will cry at this news even though the apartment is less than 5 minutes from here. I feel this is a happy event, and should be happy news. But she will feel that even though I am 30 years old, that I am abandoning her. She would be ecstatic if we all stayed at home forever and never moved out.

But due to my recent psychological discoveries that my mother and this environment make my depression and anxiety sky rocket, I feel it is the right time for me to start healing and live in my own place.

I am so excited. I am meeting with the landlord this weekend and going to bring my boyfriend to see the apartment. I can't wait!

Paging Doctor Librarian

Since doctors have not helped in my sleep seizure issues, I have decided to take things upon myself and do a little research. I went to the library today and found tons of information on epilepsy, sleep disorders, and the best doctors in the New York metro area who specialize in seizures. Through hours of reading and scanning and flipping through pages I have found something that sounds VERY similar to what I am experiencing. It is called nocturnal frontal lobe epilepsy and I have many of the symptoms.



Now if I found that in just a few hours of focus and time, how come several doctors could not figure this out?



Read all about this crazy disorder that I may have at http://www.mayoclinic.com/print/frontal-lobe-seizures.

Now I just need to find a doctor to either confirm or deny this and to effectively treat this for me so I can start to live my normal life again.

Thanks to the librarian at Kinnelon Public Library for her superb help and kind words. I don't remember your name, but you helped me more than any doctor I have seen in the last six months. Thank you!

My New Business

Started selling my crafts and creations online, so check out the website= alisonjoy79.etsy.com for upcoming handmade items that you may want to buy for yourself or to give as gifts. More items to sell are coming, I just started the website so it is limited at this time, but please keep checking back for more creations!

Don't forget : alisonjoy79.etsy.com

Love ya!

A Place of My Own

I have been looking at apartments in the past week, because I feel like I am ready to move out of my Mom's house. I appreciate all that she has done for me and helped me get back on my feet, but I feel like I am at the right point in life to have a place of my own. I am craving more privacy and just a feeling that I have something that is my own space rather than living in a closet size room. The apartments I looked at are close by to her so if she needs me I can be there in less than 5 minutes and if I get lonely I can go visit her whenever I want.

I looked at two apartments. One was absolutely beautiful. It has a lot of space. A huge kitchen, a huge dining room, a huge bedroom and and even bigger living room. A lot of space for little ol' me, probably way too much space for me. The grounds and apartment were quiet and beautiful but the price was very high. The second place I looked at was also on beautiful grounds, even bigger grounds than the first apartment. The apartment was nice, it was smaller but still had a good amount of space. A large living room, small kitchen and large bedroom. It was more my size, and more in my price range. I was happy with this place and was hopeful about it.

I am worried about a few things.

1) The potential landlord for the smaller apartment called today and he seems interested in letting me rent the apartment, but said he was checking my credit and that worries me. The whole reason why I had to move into my parent's house two and a half years ago was because my ex boyfriend screwed me over finacially and it messed my credit up badly. I explained this to the landlord when I viewed the apartment and I hope that he is understanding but I am afraid that he is going to call and say that he can't rent to me and that will just discourage me

2) I am afraid to tell my Mom that I am moving out. Last time I told her I was moving to Maryland a few years ago, it took her over a year to get over and she cried for weeks. This time shouldn't be so bad since I am going to be closer but I was also there when my brother told her that he was moving a half hour away and she cried for days. I just don't know how to break the news to her. And I may have to accept that she may react emotionally no matter what.

3) My boyfriend doesn't fully agree with this idea. He thinks I should have a roommate because he feels that I will get lonely. I want nothing to do with having a roommate, I just want to have a space of my own. He also wishes that if I were to move into a new apartment that it would be closer to him. He thinks that I should just move into the basement of my Mom's house. I have NO desire to do that because of the years worth of work that it will take to clean that up.

I know that I am excited for it. I am 30 years old and I am ready to move into my own place. I am excited for it, I just wish everyone was on board with it.

Trembling with Fear....Still

I still get seizures and tremors while sleeping. I am getting very frustrated and upset at it. I am just very tired of not feeling well and just want to know what is going on with my body so it can be treated.

I went to the neurologist and she claimed it was anxiety and dismissed me.

I went to a psychiatrist who said that it is impossible to get an anxiety attack while asleep unless you have a sleep phobia, which I don't.

I had blood work done which all came back "perfect" as the nurse described.

I had an MRI done. I was so hopeful that this would give me an answer. It is really sad when you are hoping that the doctor will call to tell you that something is actually wrong with your brain just so that you know what is wrong. But no, the MRI came back normal.

I want to have an EEG done, but my primary care physician says that I have no need to make an appointment unless I am having a problem. News Flash! I am having a serious, constantly recurring problem of having tremors in my sleep causing me to be exhausted all the time. So should I call at 4 a.m. when I am having a tremor and tell them I am having a problem? Craziness.

I am going to a highly recommended doctor on October 5th. I made this appointment in June and have been waiting. He is my last hope, but I also refuse to stop fighting to find out what is going on with my body. I can't live like this for the rest of my life. The medicines they give me are inconsistent and I just can't handle this lack of sleep much longer. I really hope that this doctor, who was recommended to me by several people and physicians, will be able to figure it out.

I am just worried that there are no answers and I will suffer forever. I have been keeping a journal of every shake, tremor and seizure, as well as the times that I feel pretty good and what is working to stop the tremors (which isn't much). My boyfriend started video taping the tremors at night since I am asleep when they happen and we are going to show them to the doctor, in hopes that seeing it will give a clearer answer.

I just want to feel better. That is all I want. I just wish it would happen soon.